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New relationship and the local gossips

(13 Posts)
Shapechanger Sun 08-Sep-13 01:45:17

I try to help others as well; I feel indebted.

You have helped me today Hissy; thank you.

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:08:23

The only help I had at the beginning was MN. I feel indebted to so many here.

If I can help one person, the way that so many helped me, that's enough for me!

One day all of this will seem a lot easier. It's a lot to learn, and so unfamiliar, bewildering sometimes perhaps, but it's a great journey!

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 22:36:33

Hissy your message is so kind it's made me cry.

Couldn't have got where I am without MN, it's such a source of strength and hope. thanks

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 22:23:43

Take him out where you feel comfortable.

My ex was thousands of miles away, and it was a year later that my BF and I got together.

I did invite him to a school thing though, so all my school mum friends saw him from afar.

There's no rush, if you fancy taking him out in your area one day, do it, but when you're ready.

If you're not long term serious about him, I understand perhaps having him too close to home might not feel right.

There are no rules here, it's about YOU and what you're comfortable with.

(another lesson, the one where you realise that You CAN set the agenda)

Bits of your recovery will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, so be kind to yourself and try to listen to your feelings and work out why you feel the way you do. In all cases, forgive yourself.

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 22:11:49

Thanks so much Hissy, really glad you managed this and are healing.

Back to my OP, do I take him out locally or not? Would you?

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 22:09:42

I had a 10 year DV relationship, and after i'd put myself back together a bit, dated a guy for a year. To just about thé very day.

Things weren't right, he didn't see a future, and didn't want to. TBH, for MANY reasons i'm glad, because it forced me to end what wasn't ever going to be right for me and my son.

Knowing that I had a relationship, for a year, without anyone getting hurt means the world to me.

I got back on the horse, and got myself off again when I needed to.

I'm not interested in dating atm, not sure why, but maybe because i've proved to myself that i'm normal, lovely and worth more than sub-standard or not good enough.

Well done for not losing hope in life, well done for not excluding your own self from your life, well done for not limiting yourself!

Enjoy, keep your eyes and ears open, learn and grow and be happy! Xx

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 21:12:25

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow our lives don't mix because we live miles from each other! Both got kids we're devoted to in schools who we'd never uproot, five between us all ranging from 11 to 15. Our worlds are very different, our backgrounds, our lifestyles. But we have fundamentals in common - sense of humour, attitudes, values. It's always great when we are together.

His exW has a new bloke in the town where they live (seen proof of this on FB in case anyone thinks he is still married, of course I was wary at first). She has the majority of custody but he sees his kids a lot, my dh and I have a 60:40 custody split in my favour. My dh is also a devoted, hands-on dad and very tied to this area as are the dc.

I think perhaps one of the things we liked about each other was the geography kept it 'safe'.

My kids wouldn't wear another man coming into their lives anytime soon and that's OK with me, though they may have to one day.

And tbh I am happy on my own most of the time. Being my own boss, not having to pander to my EA husband, wash socks, iron shirts, share a bedroom and bathroom.

Not sure why you asked really hmm not everyone is seeking happy ever after you know.

The lesson you're learning now is that you can have relationships that don't scar/hurt.

Hissy you are so right, it is part of a huge learning process and finding out who I am - something you lose sight of in a stifling bad marriage. I find this hard sometimes... worry I'm getting too attached, but I am determined not to get hurt, or if I do, to move on quickly in my mind and hold on to good memories... there are many already.

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 19:55:08

Trust your instincts, they sound about right on the money.

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 19:54:26

OP, this is a practice relationship for you both, it probably won't last, and tbh, neither should it. You both have lots to learn before you're ready for the one.

The lesson you're learning now is that you can have relationships that don't scar/hurt.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 07-Sep-13 18:40:19

You say in the OP that you both want to keep your relationship casual. Can I ask why? Also what do you mean by your lives don't mix?

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 18:04:54

Sorry to bump my own thread but it's gone so far down I think it will disappear... sad

usualsuspect Sat 07-Sep-13 15:36:09

I would go out with him and sod the gossips.

None of the reasons you have given would stop me.

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 15:24:44

Left my EA husband a year ago.

I'm in another relationship - for a while - it's casual but wonderful.

Both scarred from awful marriages and neither of us wants to find The One but we don't want no sex/affection now or ever. It's deepening a bit and we are close but both want to keep it casual; our lives couldn't mix and don't cross over (met on net).

I live in a small, conservative gossipy town. Dh and I lived in a particularly toxic 'posh' area before the separation - and I never go out without seeing someone I know.

Dh didn't want to split but was on Guardian Soulmates months ago (dd asked me what it was as she saw). He's not on there any more as I looked. He can rarely swap nights each of us has the kids. If he's seeing someone I'm glad.

My problems are these...

I'm not divorced and finances are still tied up though we haven't disagreed about them - yet. I want to be friends with him in the future and it's getting better.

I don't want to hurt/humiliate Dh or rile him if he found out (jealous type)

New man and I are both busy people (it's always evenings at mine as he travels and I don't)

When we see each other it's lots of fantastic sex smile and we stay in.

All this is fine for me. But I would like to go out sometimes for a drink or dinner, too.

He's attractive and a bit of me would like to show him off. Why? Because I know some people think I'm sad and desperate and after their crappy husbands. Some little weasel tried to kiss me at a wedding I was at alone, his wife in another room. I hadn't flirted or given him the come on either, he's disgusting. It was horrible and I felt traumatised.

I want to go out and enjoy a nice meal with my bloke and I kind of want us to be seen in some ways but in other ways the idea terrifies me.

This is all very waffly - sorry - but I didn't want to drip feed.

WWYD? And has anyone been in this situation? Such mixed feelings sad

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