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feeling trapped(4 Posts)
I have namechanged and in need of perspective, this is going to be long....
I am at the end of my tether with my relationship with H. I come from a not so stable family background so I want to get views on how normal this is.
We have been together for 10 years and have two dcs. H has always been very clingy from the start of the relationship. He doesn't have any friends where we live (not from the lack of trying from people we know trying to engage him btw). He has always wanted to spend all his time with me usually around the house. He will usually follow me around the house for example if I am just pottering around (which drives me mental). I think I quite introverted so enjoy my own company whilst he actually needs constant interaction but only with me. People find him very charismatic when we meet others as a couple. It's not just social interaction but even going to the shops that are not familiar to him (i.e. outside our local area) seems to be an effort for him. I genuinely think he has an anxiety over it, although he will go most places with me.
From the start of the relationship, I have pretty much pleaded with him to get a hobby or some form of interest at least once every couple of weeks out of the house which he hasn't. TBH, I don't have that many friends either but when I speak to anyone he also wants to know what we have talked about in quite a lot of detail. I don't think he sees it as controlling just interest and my radar of what is normal is fundamentally broken unfortunately.
I work flexibly around the DCs so short days and then a few hrs in the evenings two/three days a week making up for it (from home but sometimes involve meetings out of the house). This has brought everything to ahead with arguments of lack of time we spend together. Pretty much every week this argument flares up.
Today's argument started when I said, I need some new clothes so am going shopping by myself this evening for a couple of hours. He made quite a PA like "ohhh so you want the whole day to yourself". When I pulled up on it he looked hurt and accused me of having no sense of humour even though it certainly wasn't said as a joke. Everytime I want to do something without him (even going to do a large food shopping without him and the kids ffs) has resulted in arguments and sulking.
Today's issue a small really but I am sitting here crying as the happiest I have been for a long time is when he was away to see his parents for a week. I just don't understand how my life has come to a point where I have fight to go shopping by myself for a couple of hours on a saturday.
The kids adore him, he is a great hands on father and tbf that is the only reason I am still here, emotionally I feel completely worn down and the more arguments we have about spending time together the less I want to anyway so try to find excuses to avoid him.
From those of you that have "normal" families with very young dc, have full on work and so on how much "quality" time do you spend with your other halves per day/week?
Not much if I'm honest - I work for myself so sometimes late into the night as clients not always in UK ... Hubby leaves for work really early and only comes in late ! One child grown and flown the nest - other just spends any free time at the stables. We do try and all meet up on the weekends !!! Don't know if this is normal ?! It is for us - we all work hard and are happy to support eachother if needed ... Sounds like your husband has almost forgotten how to amuse himself - and sees you as his entire world - flattering yes - but also a little constricting ?!? Can you arrange a day when you and a girlfriend get to hit the shops/ nailbar/ hair salon and her other half and the kids all meet up with your other half maybe ?!? Or when you are both out in town give him a task - like 'I'm going to M&S can you nip to Waitrose and get some wine for tonight ' to give your self a bit more space ?!
Hope that helps a bit ?! :-)
It sounds like your DH has become to dependent on you and there is an imbalance in your relationship.
Everyone needs a bit of space sometimes. He seems to be more needy rather than controlling and this can wear you down a lot.
You definitely need to speak to him and let him know how serious this is.
He should explore finding a hobby, or doing little things during the day away from you. If you cannot see him doing this then you should consider your other options.
You can try ignoring the pa remarks. To argue is to feed whatever his neediness. "I am going shopping. See you later." If he makes a sulky remark ignore. Or say "Yes. I want to be alone." in a no nonsense tone and walk away.
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