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Was I expecting too much

(77 Posts)
buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 09:46:59

I was 30 on Monday.
Dh asked for list of things to get weeks ago.
Asked for 2 things (not extravagant, less than he'd spend on his hobby stuff)

Morning of birthday, no presents, no card. Didn't even get ds to make me a card.

Just said, I didn't have time to get you anything, I'll do it after work. I was visibly disappointed.

I emigrated here to his home country, no family, not many close friends.

That evening he gave me presents & card, said we'll do something sat and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening.

It's Sat evening here now, I asked if we were doing anything, he stormed out for an hour, came back with ready mix for a cake.

Told him not to bother, I was disappointed with everything.

He told me I was an ungrateful brat, what I asked for was too expensive, I was a moody bitch all week. 'Fuck you and your fucking birthday'

Was I expecting too much, tbh I was sad this week. Missing my friends & family who would've celebrated my bday with me.

I knew he wouldn't have done anything big and that's fine but he had so much time to even have a card for me that morning or all day to do something like make a card with ds.

I know I'm too old for 'special birthday girl' strop but is it ok to be disappointed by this?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 07-Sep-13 15:15:12


GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 07-Sep-13 15:24:31

And by the way, expecting the person you share your life with to treat you with respect and to show you they care about and love you, however that may be, is not expecting too much- it's what you deserve.
He sounds like a total wanker.

MariaLuna Sat 07-Sep-13 15:30:54

I emigrated here to his home country

Do you live in a country where men are "head of the household", OP?

Whatever, he treats you with contempt. And like a child.

I agree, keep that money for a leaving fund.

kutee Sat 07-Sep-13 15:45:16

Wow. Need to be put that man in his place. I would not have that

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 16:06:03

God. How do people live like this?

Cerisier Sat 07-Sep-13 16:28:20

I am so sorry OP, this is no way to live. He sounds vile.

tallwivglasses Sat 07-Sep-13 16:44:15

Send him an email. How dare he say 'Don't you dare'? What do you think he'll do, OP?

Capitola Sat 07-Sep-13 16:53:17

He sounds like a really unpleasant man.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 19:28:04

Do you realise that you are in an abusive relationship?

mammadiggingdeep Sat 07-Sep-13 19:41:07

sad my xp did this on my birthday, two years running. It's because he was an abusive man who knew that I was looking forward to my birthday and couldn't quite let me be happy. Bought me pressies afterwards but it was almost like saying "youll celebrate your bday when i say so". The fact you forgive easily is like me too.....I used to let big things go so as to avoid the tension.....just made him worse. I ended up living on egg shells. I got called names too. Reading your post made me sad for you. Please leave. It is not right and you deserve better.......xx

haverer Sat 07-Sep-13 19:56:20

He's awful. He is making you question your every move. Sending him emails because you can't talk to him about your reasonable and genuine grievances is bad enough, but now he's stopped you even doing that! WTAF? If he doesn't want to read an email he doesn't open it or doesn't read it, it's really quite simple. He is silencing you and removing your voice at every turn.
This man is very controlling and abusive. You're in a weak position (a mother, in his home country, noone close enough to discuss your problems with) and he's taking full fucking advantage. Do you want your DS growing up treating women like this? Because he will grow up seeing this as normal, and it doesn't matter how much you smile and pretend it's all ok. Can you call someone from home?

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 22:54:19

Hi, just woke up, he slept in the spare room. I have a massive headache.

We live in Aus. There are people I can speak to at home but I haven't because I know they'll be worried about me.

I don't know what would happen if I just sent him an email anyway but I don't want to. It achieves nothing, I try to make him see my point of view but it's disregarded as soon as something else happens.

Mammadigging I'm sorry this happened to you too.

Haverer, when you said he's taken away your voice is really ringing true to me. He's discouraged me from vocalising anything I'm unhappy with by blowing up when I do and now basically forbidding an email or lettersad

Fairenuff, I don't know if I'm in an abusive relationship. He's never hit me. He's thrown things and used to get really close to my face when we argued.

He stopped doing that when I told him I found it agressive.

There is something in me that I can't articulate...essentially I am scared of him sometimes. There's long stretches, even years where I'm not and everything's fine.

But something is stopping me standing up for myself and demanding to be treated better and I think that's fear of what'll escalate.

In every argument, I argue back a bit but then stop and let him go on or leave the room or house because I fear what'll happen. Like if the argument's bad enough he'll get worse.

We have a friend's birthday party today, I don't know if he'll end up coming. I hope not. A running theme of our relationship is us inthe car, me upset and him silently raging.

Thank you for your posts, you're helping me see things more clearly

tribpot Sat 07-Sep-13 23:04:55

You've practically had to beg for your birthday present. And he still fucked it up. It's no wonder you feel angry and upset, OP.

As to "don't you dare send me an email" - WTF is he going to do, sue you? He can't stop you doing anything you want to do.

You could be married to this prick for another 50 or 60 years.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 23:09:27

This really isn't acceptable, most relationships aren't like this and you don't have to tolerate this life.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 23:12:01

I think it's so sad that you're left thinking for a second that you were expecting too much. A loving, respectful partner wouldn't let you doubt for a second that you deserved to be cherished.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 23:18:29

Thank you for responding, it's a relief telling someone.

I don't want to live my life like this.

We very rarely have sex which was another big issue for me.

What he brings to my life is financial security and we parent our son 50/50.

I love him as my son's father, they're very close, always doing things together.

I don't think he's a narc or inherently abusive, I think he thinks I'm less than him.

He talks about me so proudly though. Whenever I meet his work mates or friends, they all say how often he talks about me so much and how much he loves me.

I don't know, my head is sore from thinking about it, thanks for responses

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:21:53

I'm sorry.

This is going to sound too much, but this really IS what's going down:

This is an abusive relationship.

The throwing things, getting up close... that'll escalate.

This is a Wtf do you expect woman, don't expact a fucking thing from me from now on, i've got you where I want you, no-one to save you, so what you gonna do about it kinda moment.

This is not going to get any better unless you make it a deal breaker.

Get yourself a ticket home and leave him to it.

Fuck what others will think, bollocks to gossip, naff off to anyone who is rude enough to ask.

When the time is right, you tell them that he wasn't the man you hoped he'd be.

Don't stay thinking he'll get better. He absolutely won't.

In fact, the only chance you have to make him change IS to leave him.

Please come home love? You've done nothing wrong, you deserve better than this!

Costypop Sat 07-Sep-13 23:24:38


Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:25:15

My ex was a complete bastard to me when we went to his land.

To all his friends, family, cousin he was besotted and devoted.

His cousin told me how much he loved me.

I showed the cousin a bruised and swollen elbow the size of a tennis ball.

Guess that was Egyptian for Love then was it? hmm

Is your OH Australian? Was your child born there?

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:26:21

Psst.. you're NOT less than him.

If he thinks this... he's abusive!

ghostmummy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:29:00

Tell him to leave, it's not a surprise it's your birthday he had a year to prepare NO EXCUSE, he is an idiot you deserve better.

AnnieLobeseder Sat 07-Sep-13 23:33:45

OP, the reason he shows you off so proudly to everyone is that he sees you as a possession for everyone to admire. And the reason he gets so upset when you open your mouth is that possessions aren't supposed to have an opinion on how they are kept and treated.

He doesn't respect you as a person at all.

I'm sorry.

PS - abuse is not only physical. Please don't fool yourself into thinking he's not abusive because he doesn't hit you.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 23:39:24

Our son was born at home but we've been here two years. He has both citizenships.

I don't think the Australian courts will let me bring him home. sad

I'm a permanent resident not a citizen so I don't know what I'm entitled to. We're building a house at the moment and the 20% deposit came from inheritance on his side.

I feel trapped and I'm crying with the realisation.

He's just got up and gone to get wrapping paper, he's still raging.

I know what he's done all night is list everything I do wrong so he can justify being so angry

AnnieLobeseder Sat 07-Sep-13 23:42:10

OP, you can make a happy life for yourself in Aus if you have to stay there to be with your son. What you don't need to do is stay with this man if you don't want to. Your options are not limited to coming home or staying with him.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 23:48:12

You're right, I don't feel I'm strong enough on my own though. My position is weak at the moment and I have to get stronger.

I have a p/t job and we live in an expensive area. My plan was go and re-train when my son starts school in Jan so I can get a better paying job and can rent somewhere ok.

We're building a house, not our names on the deeds but the full 20% deposit is his from inheritance so i think he has more ownership. If we sold once built, I wouldn't have any money.

If he doesn't come to the bday party, one of the other mom's is friends with a therapist and I think I'll ask her for a recommendation

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