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Desperate to get her back, our unborn son deserves but of his mum and dad!

(76 Posts)
Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 06:49:51

Firstly, I hope it's not inappropriate for me as a man to venture on here for help and apologies if it is? Yes, a relationship has gone wrong, yes I am to blame, yes I love her and yes, I want us to be a family both for the benefit of our unborn son and for us. My girlfriend fell pregnant after only 3 months, we're not young, I'm 10+ years older than her (she is 30+) and after a few weeks of knowing she was pregnant I acted like a total idiot and distanced myself from her completely. I kept in touch by text almost daily and saw her a few times, went to the 20 week scan but, through what I now know was a fear of commitment having been both 'cleaned out' financially and emotionally in the past, I lied to both myself and her and said I didn't think we had a future together. That was one of the biggest mistakea I have made in my entire life, I've been a total idiot, I now know I love her to bits, I very much want her back for her and for us to bring up our unborn son as a family (she has 8 weeks to go). Having seen her about 5 weeks ago I very much knew this but I missed the opportunity to tell her, having tried to we see her again I then got the bombshell by text that she had met somebody else, it destroyed me and the feeling I had only confirmed to me how much I love this woman. I have emailed and text and asked her to see me but to no avail, I strongly believe we owe it to our unborn sun to try every possible avenue in our relationship before we completely walk away. I want to be there for our son regardless, but he deserves better from us both as his parents. No, we don't know each other having only been together for a few months but I love her, I want her, I will give her my everything and I have told her that both by email and text, sadly she will not see me face to face. I have asked to meet to discuss the future well being and upbringing of our son but have had no response. I don't wish to have confrontation, my texts, my emails and my calls receive no response. I know I have let both her and our unborn son down, I was a total idiot but the last few months has proved to me how much I love this woman, I want to commit my all to her but am failing miserably in being able to prove it given my performance to date, but I hold my hands high and admit it and just ask for the opportunity for a second chance. Can anybody advise on how I may be able to rescue this tragic situation so that we can give our son the very best opportunity when he arrives in this world? I know it's a tough call and like I said at the beginning I apologise if it is inappropriate in this forum (let alone the length of my ramblings) but I could find nowhere else to go.
Thank you in anticipation and indeed for reading this far.

YoniMatopoeia Sat 07-Sep-13 09:15:08

Do we think the op will come bacl?

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 09:16:41

No, don't think he will come back.

Think it was a message to his ex who may use MN.

HorryIsUpduffed Sat 07-Sep-13 09:17:09

I'm at the same gestation as she is. I'm emotionally vulnerable, physically uncomfortable, and increasingly anxious about L&D and caring for a newborn.

If I were choosing between a man who had dumped me a few months ago just when I needed support and was now pestering me with alternately pleading and accusatory messages, or a man who was offering support and to take on another man's child... Well now let me think.

Bant Sat 07-Sep-13 09:19:06

No, we wants to have a bunch of women sympathising and cooing over how lovely and romantic he is, and how he just needs to keep stalking her and she'll come around.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 07-Sep-13 09:52:17

She's had around half a year to get together with someone else; even if she didn't know them before, that's not exactly indecently quick.

Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 10:04:41

Thank you all, firstly for allowing me on here and for your openness. To answer a question raised, I really don't know if she is on here, I purely came on here for some good, honest help and I have received that so thank you. I also understand and respect the general tone of some comments, I fully understand that but please be assured the last thing I wanted was sympathy and cooing, I could find no fathers-to-be forum like this so came here for help for the benefit of my unborn son, me feelings towards his mum are a side line, I want my son to have his real dad in his life as I truly believe he deserves that, at the moment there is a real risk of me being totally excluded and irrespective of his mum choosing another (totally my fault I know,) I want to be there and very much involved.
I must say I have not harassed her and I knew my real feelings before she told me she had met somebody else, I thought we were rebuilding something, she was sharing things with me that she had never done before, indeed I was wanting to show her I loved her properly and the last thing I expected was open arms, I knew I had to gain her trust back.
I know I have let her down at the worst possible time, she owes me nothing, I know that.
To answer some questions I have indeed bought things for our son, I was always assured her that I would be involved and support our son fully, we discussed things that are needed and I have bought them and will very much continue to do so. Unfortunately, I no longer have a communication route open to continue to do that properly.
I do understand the cynicism, I respect your opinions, I will continue to read your comments, thank you.

RandomMess Sat 07-Sep-13 10:15:40

Moving forward presumably you can email her? I would suggest that you email her and ask to provisionally arrange some regular contact for after the baby is born and what does she think would work? Hopefully a quick visit whilst she is still in hospital and then a few weeks/months later start brief visist a couple of times per week depending on how it's all going?

All you can ask is that you would like frequent contact but understand that in the early weeks this may depend on her recovery. Set up a maintenance standing order to her. Before turning up for contact you could check if she needs anything picking up from the shops or anything? If she chooses to bottle feed then hopefully you can arrange to take your child out for a few hours and give her break if she feels ready to do so.

Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 10:28:43

Thank you RandomMess, I have emailed and text her to ask if we can meet face to face so we can talk solely about our son's future and wellbeing, sadly I've had no reply. I don't want go to her house and cause confrontation on any front however, I also don't want a call saying "my son was born a week ago".

nkf Sat 07-Sep-13 10:31:35

Stop talking about what you want. What can you offer a child? That's the issue now.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Sat 07-Sep-13 10:33:40

Well unfortunately given your behaviour towards her and your child you have lost the right to expect anything from her in terms of when you find out that the child has been born. LEAVE HER ALONE. I can't believe that someone has suggested you go to the hospital. You need to sit back and wait. Arrange for regular financial support for the child and stop the emails amd the harrassent. Because THAT is what it is.

RandomMess Sat 07-Sep-13 10:43:55

Well you have missed my point.

Send her one email, explaining you would like to be involved in your dc life and what does she think would provisionally work.

Explain that you hope to be allowed to come and visit dc briefly shortly after the birth - perhaps when she is still in hospital. Then to sort out some regularly contact visits once she is feeling up to it and that you understand this may be several weeks down the line.

Stop texting her, stop harrassing her.

Yes your dc has a right for you to be involved in his upbringing but you need to understand how vulnerable Mums are in the early months.

If you do get the phone call saying that he was born a week ago it will achieve nothing by being angry - you need to be positive, thank them for being informed and ask when it would be possible to start contact.

Being aggressive and confrontational and harrassing will just get you pushed further and further away. You need to be very reasonable especially if long term you need to go to court to gain contact.

Whocansay Sat 07-Sep-13 10:54:13

If you want to help, start putting money aside in an account for the child. Token items once in a while are useless.

You may not think you've harassed her or may not have intended to do so, but she may feel differently. The fact that you were in contact, but are no longer speaks volumes.

Send an email or letter outlining how you want to co parent and suggest mediation. Make no reference to getting back together. She clearly doesn't want to and if you keep banging on about it, it will alienate her further. Concentrate on your child and its needs. Not yours.

RandomMess Sat 07-Sep-13 11:03:10

I suggest you apologise for your recent unreasonable behaviour towards her and that you now understand how inappropriate it was.

Please remember contact is about your child's right to know both parents not the absent parent's right to have a relationship with their child.

The request of mediation is great one, also as the birth is soon there is no reason why you could start by paying the recommended maintenance amount now. There is an on-line CSA calculator to work out how much you should pay her weekly.

clam Sat 07-Sep-13 11:18:26

"Unfortunately, I no longer have a communication route open to continue to do that properly."

This is ringing a warning bell for me. Why not? Has she blocked you?

tribpot Sat 07-Sep-13 11:27:13

I wondered if maybe she just couldn't face any more drama this close to the end of her pregnancy, clam.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 11:34:09

If she maintains no contact after the baby is born, and denies access then your only option would be through solicitor/court.

if you have been harrassing her it will not be in your favour.

give her time to give birth and recover and see how it goes

clam Sat 07-Sep-13 11:38:17

Exactly trib. We've asked OP if he's not perhaps harassing her and now it turns out he is no longer able to get in touch.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 11:50:19

Open an account for the baby anyway and put the money in there. Eventually you should be able to find a way to get it to her, maybe through an intermediary or a solicitor.

The least you can do is be consistent with financial support for the baby. This does not need to involve her at all.

Booboostoo Sat 07-Sep-13 11:53:35

Your first post seemed to be about getting another chance with this woman because you love her, your second seemed to be concerned with access to your son and with someone else being a father to him....which one is it?

As far as your ex goes, you left her, you made it clear you want to get back together, now the ball is in her court. It sounds like she is not interested, so sad for you but tough luck.

As far as her new partner goes, you are no longer together with the mother of your child. Sooner or later she will have other relationships so you will have to deal with other men being around your son and taking on some parental duties.

As far as your son goes you have no right to be at the hospital but you can ask and see if she allows you to. You do have a right to see your son and spend time with him, wait until he is born and approach your ex with a reasonable plan to support your son both financially and emotionally to include access.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 11:54:55

Do have any children already?

Dam58 Sat 07-Sep-13 11:57:22

If you receive a call telling you that you can attend the hospital, then you will be very lucky.
A woman needs help, love & support at a time that can be very frightening for some. It is quite likely that you may receive a call after your ds is born. This will not be for malicious reasons...I'm sure...but purely self preservation on your x's part.

Actions speak louder than words. If you are truly serious in your attentions and commitment to your ds, then you should do everything you can to prove it.

If you respect your x, build up trust, pay maintenance and encourage an emotional connection with your ds while laying off your x- relationship wise, she may see you as worthy. But if she has any sense it will take a long time.

I hope you are able to be there for your boy and that you don't let him down like you have his mother.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sat 07-Sep-13 11:57:23

She's moved on. So should you. You do however, have a right to be involved in our child's life. But this has to be done carefully and at the beginning, to the extent that te mother allows. Having a baby is a life upheaval and she might want to do it without te emotional trauma of havin you around. But let her know you're there, not for her, but for the baby. It you are gentle and considerate in your request to be part of your child's life you might be more successful.

dufflefluffle Sat 07-Sep-13 11:59:36

Whatever about your and her emotions, you are this baby's father and therefore you need to start preparing to be a solid, consistant part of his life. That is what he needs from you and for you to be steady and solid (rather than up-an-down as you were with his mother). That is more important than any easy come easy go relationship. You'll be his father forever: prepare for being a good one!

WeAreSeven Sat 07-Sep-13 12:06:39

I'm not sure your poor son does deserve to have you in his life, to be honest. Did you think of him when you were being non-committal or absent? Did you think of him when you told his mother you didn't have a future together? Did you not think of him when you were harassing his mother in the late stages of pregnancy and whether the stress you were putting her under might affect him.
Children need stablilty. Whether that comes from a Mum and Dad, single Mum, single Dad, Loving Granny, two Mums, two Dads or foster parents is irrelevant. On the stability front you have not so far proved to be reliable. Your son's mother probably feels that the new man is a better bet than you for her son.

To be honest, if she had come on here and said that her ex had not wanted to be involved with the baby and was now constantly calling and emailing trying to get back together, the vast majority of replies she would have had would have been to block and delete your number and that if you insisted on contact, it should be through a solicitor. The fact that she has blocked you suggests to me that you were harassing her.

KoalaFace Sat 07-Sep-13 12:11:40

I think writing a letter that takes complete responsibility for your behaviour and that shows you understand her feelings and reaction is a good start.

Explain how you want to support her in raising your son both financially and actively.

Show her that you expect nothing from her in return and will not put any further pressure on her to get back together.

End the letter with your hopes that you will be updated about any to do with the baby and told when you can visit but you will not carry on getting in contact as you understand that she needs space.

And then abide by the things you promised.

If she does not allow any contact with your son then I would advise getting in touch with a solicitor but do try first to do things amiably as it would be in everyones best interests for you and her to be on as good a terms as possible.

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