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How does desire work for you if you are married?

(16 Posts)
cafecoffee Fri 06-Sep-13 21:18:16

I am a bit frustrated and not sure whether my situation is entirely normal or unusual.

Basically I never feel sexual desire going about my normal daily life (except sex scenes in fiction or accidental porn on the net).

I can usually stimulate desire by masturbation, but not as frequently as daily.

so I never initiate sex as I never want it, and I am mostly a little wary when husband initiates as I doubt that I will get interested.

if I get the idea that husband is going to "make a move" I can get myself more in the mood so that I am more receptive when the time comes.

husband is considerate in bed and i enjoy sex and mostly orgasm.

so, I guess my question is, at what point do most women feel desire in a long term relationship? do most wives (not newly weds!) feel sexually blank most of the time? is there anything I can do about it?

waltzingmathilda Fri 06-Sep-13 21:33:13

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

cafecoffee Fri 06-Sep-13 21:34:50


Dahlen Fri 06-Sep-13 21:36:30

THe thing about feeling desire is that it mostly comes from within, not without. Assuming that you do desire your DH at times and are not actually repulsed by him wink the trick to feeling desire more is to make yourself feel more desirable.

This means indulging yourself. As well as wife/mother/worker/care-taker etc you need to feel like a woman. Someone who is gorgeous. Take long baths, wear nice lingerie, have a massage. For some people it may be something more physical rather than traditionally sexy, e.g going for a run or a workout. Do something normal in your daily life but imagine yourself watching from the outside and picture yourself as sexy while doing it. The point is it is about you and your own enjoyment of yourself, not looking at someone else and thinking phwaor (though that undoubtedly helps).

One of the reasons passion tends to fade in long-term relationships is not because of time or familiarity but because the sexual part of people's lives gets lost in the mundane domestic stuff. People forget that feeling 'nice' is just as important as getting the laundry done, and partners forget to show their appreciation. Keep those things alive and the desire tends to stick around, although there will always be times (e.g. after having a child, during a crisis, etc) where that isn't always possible.

If your DH is considerate out of bed as well as in bed, hopefully you won't have to educate him that nothing kills desire like being taken for granted and little more than a glorified housekeeper.

Sometimes, of course, desire goes because of deeper problems in the relationship or simply because you fall out of lust. It happens. That doesn't sound like it's the case for you though.

Good luck.

yellowballoons Fri 06-Sep-13 21:42:13

How come that was deleted so quickly? Done in under 4 minutes. No ides what was said.

waltzingmathilda Fri 06-Sep-13 21:44:06

I copied this line:

do most wives (not newly weds!) feel sexually blank most of the time?

and answered 'no'.

MajesticWhine Fri 06-Sep-13 21:45:10

Desire for me is rather mundanely linked to the time in my cycle. i.e. approximately day 7 to 12, I am mad for it, the rest of the time, I am not really interested, but if DH initiates, then I will try and get interested for his sake. Of course I never used to notice this pattern when I used hormonal contraception.
Apart from the cycle, other things can make a bit of difference. Not being exhausted helps, as does generally being happy with life. And of course arguments and selfishness can do the opposite.

cafecoffee Fri 06-Sep-13 21:47:05

what a lovely thoughtful reply, I never thought of it like this, thank you I will see what I can think of.
To be absolutely honest I don't think I do find my husband sexually attractive, and this won't help will it?
I do like sex with him though and would love to feel lustful again instead of post menopausal.

cafecoffee Fri 06-Sep-13 21:52:24

hmm, yes I have noticed I am more keen days 1-7 for some unfathomable reason.

yellowballoons Fri 06-Sep-13 21:56:17

why did they delete you for just that? confused

cafecoffee Fri 06-Sep-13 22:07:11

that isn't all the post said. it was deleted within seconds so must have clearly breached mnhq rules

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 06-Sep-13 22:09:17


How come that was deleted so quickly? Done in under 4 minutes. No ides what was said.

We don't allow troll hunting

yellowballoons Fri 06-Sep-13 22:16:27

Oh. Ok. Thanks Olivia.

wm was being economical with the truth as well in that case.

yellowballoons Fri 06-Sep-13 22:17:52

op. Did you used to find him sexually attractive?

cafecoffee Fri 06-Sep-13 23:22:03


yellowballoons Sat 07-Sep-13 07:29:20

Did something happen to you, or did something happen to him?

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