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Am I financially abusive? :s

(70 Posts)
Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 19:45:10

Name changed.

Me and OH rent together, are not married but have children together. At the minute we are very happy.

However after reading lots of posts on here I'm terrified I'm not treating him right re money. He is currently on JSA while I receive the usual tax credits etc.

I hate him buying things for himself.
If he spends more than a few pounds i ask him to tell me exactly how much he has left and if he can afford the bills.
I have a few hundred sitting in my bank, he has nothing. When he was desperate for some money for cigs (I don't smoke) I took a long time to give him £3.
He 'owes' me £70 as I paid for the removal van to our new house. He is struggling to pay me back.
I take him to sign on some can never forget an appointment.
He could do with some type of transport but I don't really want to put money towards a bike/moped,
I made him cancel a standing order to a charity (he'd only signed up cos he was to embarrassed to say no)
In contrast, when he got quite a good job earlier in the year, he sent me money if I asked for it, sent flowers to my door, bought me a v expensive gift and treated us to meals out/takeaways as often as I wanted it.

On the flip side, he has been fucking terrible with money in the past.
Got involved with wonga etc and is now in a debt management plan.
Used to pay our rent late. Forgot to pay council tax for about 3 months.
Forgot to sign on a few times last year and as a result we got sanctioned.
There are more!

He's trying hard and is much better now but am I right to keep an eye on him (as it were ) or should I just leave him be?

I know I'm a bit of a control freak yes. But last year I saved us from losing our home.

An advice? I want to keep making this guy happy.

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 20:55:56

btw living off JSA is a nightmare. There is nothing spare at all.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 20:57:27

Springy - o thank you, I didn't expect that! I suppose a joint acc in those circs would be easier.

Portofino Fri 06-Sep-13 20:57:28

We have a joint account and a credit card each, one that can have a positive balance. A personal account would be the same I guess. All money coming in goes to the joint account. We pay the the bills, put some in savings, put some away for dd, holiday fund etc. Then we put an amount on the individual cards. So I never fret about Dh buying shit - he can spend HIS money however he wants without negative effect on anyone else.

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 21:00:14

Too bad if he's shy - would he be 'too shy' to be on his arse?

This ain't going to go away - he has to deal with it. He wants to be a decent sort and this is the way: do the course. Or you're going to have to chuck him out. You can't live like this for ever (and you will unless he addresses it - like, properly, not half-hearted).

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 21:01:00

What you say are the bad ide of him is not as bad as what you are doing to him imo.

So yes, you are being abusive to him.

Portofino Fri 06-Sep-13 21:01:21

Box set of The Prisoner anyone ? wink

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 21:02:13

"keep making him happy"

Are you sure you are making him happy already??

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:04:20

Missstrawberry- I possibly am. I wish I could be more laid back. But what should I do?

I did send him £100 a few weeks ago... Trying to help I guess. But I do buy everything for the kids, the food etc and pay for some bills. I need to know I have money In the bank, if that makes sense?!

We're very lucky in that we live in such a cheap place in the country that housing benefit covers or full rent with him out of work (although he desperately wants to be in work!) so that's one less worry atm.

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 21:04:49

But you say you had takeaways as much as you wanted. So you also spend money you don't have?

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:06:34

He seems happy... And I can tell when he isn't!

Aahh it's hard... I know I'm too tight with money. I've just been seriously let down by every boyfriend I've ever had and wasted far too much money on them so now unfortunately OH is paying the price (literally) confused

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 21:06:38

Does he have issues with numbers btw? a good friend of mine has just admitted that she has always had problems with numbers, but has never told anyone. She's in her 50s. (she's done ok, considering she's never been quite sure about money/numbers)

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 21:09:02

woh, hang on a minute: you pay for everything?? I said JSA was a nightmare, but only when you're actually trying to pay your way - like pay your electricity bill, buy food. If you're paying for everything, what is he spending his money on?

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:09:08

Yes. I admit, I'm pretty bad with money sometimes.

But the bills in my name are never ever late.
I don't have a single debt.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:10:58

Springy- no he does have some bills in his name. And the debt management plan. The rest goes on random things I suppose - drinks, food, but for us both.

Like I said at the minute things seem ok re money. Taking one day at a time, but touch wood. I just wanted to change my attitude towards it.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 06-Sep-13 21:13:11

I don't understand why you think he owes you £70 for the removal van.

Apart from that, anyone could be forgiven for thinking you are mother and child.

I can't imagine how damaging that must be for both of you, to be in a relationship like that.

Do you only mother him where finances and appointments are concerned? Or do you organise his whole life?

littlemisssarcastic Fri 06-Sep-13 21:14:52

How many DC do you have OP?

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 21:16:05

Perhaps you could do the course together?

I record every purchase. yy that's a bit ott (comes from being poor in the past) but at least I know what is going on/where. You also get to see that there's more available than you realised. If you get a plan, all the angst goes: you know exactly how much you've got and how much left over. No guilt, no worry, no touching wood that you'll somehow get through.

Liara Fri 06-Sep-13 21:18:09

It's tricky.

DH was always hopeless with money. Wouldn't pay bills, spent a small fortune, never knew how much money was in the account, you name it.

I wanted separate accounts (we both earned very good money at the time), as I was keen to save more that he wanted to.

He felt like separate accounts would be akin to us not being married, so agreed to do things on my terms. I said I wanted the mortgage paid off by x date, made him budget all the expenditures and have a right to veto anything he wants to buy. I would regularly go through the bank account and ask him to justify anything that stood out to me.

Some of our friends were pretty shock at the way I treated him about money at the time.

Over time, however, he has come to be much more careful with money and he is now very appreciative of my making him do that, specially as it has meant we could quit the high paying but awful jobs and switch to a lifestyle that suits us much better (but where cash is always short).

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:18:22

We have three children.

I do organise a lot for him! I could stop. But then, what if things didn't happen? I'm a worrier!

And thanks springy.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:20:33

Liara, that's a nice story. Thank you. It does sound mental to outsiders doesn't it? But there not the ones panicking because a bill hasn't been paid. And I don't want to leave him over this, I want to work through it instead.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 06-Sep-13 21:23:53

So out of his JSA, he pays the bills and the food/drink for you both?

You said in your OP that If he spends more than a few pounds i ask him to tell me exactly how much he has left and if he can afford the bills.

Later, you said no he does have some bills in his name. And the debt management plan. The rest goes on random things I suppose - drinks, food, but for us both.

I'd imagine there's not much of anything left after paying bills, food and drink to enable him to pay you what he owes you for the removal van. confused

MariaLuna Fri 06-Sep-13 21:23:58

Forgot to sign on a few times last year


He didn't "forget". He is just not taking responsibility for his own life and "shyness" about going to college to learn how to organise your finances (= life) is not an excuse either if he has children to support.

No, of course you are not financially abusive if you need to keep a roof over your head and food on the table for your children and yourself.

Please. Stop enabling him by giving him money for cigarettes. Let him go cold turkey. It may kick his ass into action.

You say you have a couple of hundred in the bank. What when that's gone?

Why did he not save money when he had a job instead of blowing it on "tat"?

I couldn't live like that with a child to bring up.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:27:00

Sarcastic - when we moved, he had the good job. He just spent his money and forgot to tell me as per.

I meant food as in, a block of chocolate as a treat. I do all the food shopping.

Loveyouthree Fri 06-Sep-13 21:29:15

Maria - I did want him to go cold turkey but at the same time it's shit living with a moody, snappy craving person. It's like he has a personality transplant.

I don't know why he didn't save the money. I hinted at maybe he should on several occasions but it did get frittered away.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 06-Sep-13 21:32:40

I could not live with someone I could not trust with money to that extent.
Your DC could have lost their home because he forgot to pay the rent!!

In order to ensure your relationship works, you will have to spend your life being the parent, taking the responsibility where he wont/can't.

TBH, I wouldn't want to be in his position either.

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