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Cheating DH, 'friend' and my strange domestic set-up.

(123 Posts)
merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 17:37:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worsestershiresauce Fri 06-Sep-13 18:29:46

Looking at it objectively you have been leading very separate lives for years, and it is very hard to sustain a relationship under those circumstances.

If you both want to make things work you probably can, although the one shag thing may be a red herring. Most men who cheat minimise and I'd assume there is a lot more to it than that.

If he's still out there, and so is she, it isn't over.

The biggest question is do you want to work things out?

morethanpotatoprints Fri 06-Sep-13 18:30:47

Sorry OP.

How old are your dc and do they acknowledge their father much? I ask as bringing them up single handedly they must have an opinion on him being away and not being a family man.

LondonNinja Fri 06-Sep-13 18:32:22

Jeez. It's not fucking inevitable. No, no, no. He had a choice.
OP, I hope you can work through this.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Fri 06-Sep-13 18:32:34

Saying its inevitable is not the same as saying its ok, or acceptable.
He has been living alone, apart from his family, for years. He's unhappy and lonely. He sees his wife on weekends who is also unhappy and does not want to sleep with him (her prerogative, of course). He doesn't get to spend much time with the children he works hard to provide for.
After YEARS of this, an attractive woman showed an interest in him and he cheated. He admitted this very soon after. Is it ok? no. Is it something you can get over? Up to you. But is it understandable? I have to say yes, it is.
and it has nothing to do with him being a man, I'd say the same if it was the other way around.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:33:47

That's very sad about your children - must say that would hurt me more I think than a one-off shag.

Would he move back to the UK to save his relationship with you and your children?

Whocansay Fri 06-Sep-13 18:34:00

I think it says a lot that he came clean, when he could have kept his mouth shut and you may never have known. That sounds like real remorse to me.

It was not 'inevitable', however hmm.

What do you want to do, OP?

Biscuitsneeded Fri 06-Sep-13 18:36:21

I think it's interesting that you were the one who encouraged your friend to make contact with your husband. Are you sure your motives were 100% altruistic, or is it possible on some unconscious level you knew this would happen and wanted it to happen, because then you would be the one 'sinned against' and he would be the bad guy. When actually your relationship doesn't sound that great and maybe you are no longer able to live with the pretence. I'm not judging, it's kind of where I am too... By the way I'm not implying that men and women shouldn't meet up for platonic reasons - I have two fantastic platonic male friends - but I wonder if you knew that they would both be tempted.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:36:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc Fri 06-Sep-13 18:38:20

He intimidates your dc, and has cheated in you.
Sounds like a keeper hmm

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 06-Sep-13 18:40:38

What has prompted you to post this now OP? I mean, how have things been in the 3 weeks since he confessed? Is he coming home this weekend (tonight)? How are things between you right now?

I am not usually one to jump right on the LTB bandwagon so I am happy to see it hasn't come around on this thread yet.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 06-Sep-13 18:41:08

Ha! Massive ironic x-post with Badvoc there.

motherinferior Fri 06-Sep-13 18:41:59

I still don't understand why he's allegedly lonely when he's lived there for six years. That really isn't your fault or responsibility.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 06-Sep-13 18:42:31

FWIW, I think if you do ultimately decide to try and give your relationship a go, you need to be living together as a proper couple and a proper family. The current way won't cut it any more. Intimacy and warmth need a certain amount of proximity.

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 18:43:03

I find it really sad that some people appear to be saying it was inevitable that he shagged someone else as he was away from home, not getting any sex with his wife and spent time with another woman.

What happened to forsaking all others, in sickness and in health, doing the right thing and being a decent person?

If you don't get regular sex your dick doesn't fall off. If you want it you be a grown up and talk to your spouse.

You also need to think whether you want him back for you as well as it is the right thing to have him back for the children.

Thisisaeuphemism Fri 06-Sep-13 18:43:10

It sounds like the op was quite satisfied with the arrangement of a wkend relationship and infrequent sex. He wasn't. He has fucked up big time and i feel for the op who is shocked but now is a chance for her to decide if she wants a full time marriage or not.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:44:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:44:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:46:12

You are right MissStrawberry he should have discussed if he wasn't happy with the lack of sex - am presuming he hadn't? But I do think if there is no/little sex, well it puts a marriage in a very vulnerable place if that's not something both partners are happy with.

But he absolutely should have talked to the OP about how he was feeling.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:47:39

Merlin - so are you around when he sees these friends at weekends? Or does he go off and seem them during the limited amount of time you have as a couple/family?

I'm really struggling to see what you get from this relationship other than being comfortably provided for.

motherinferior Fri 06-Sep-13 18:48:08

A lot of people seem to be implying that it's the OP's responsibility to repair the relationship. With a man who has, she says, been the one who has been cold and unresponsive. And isn't particularly interested in a holiday with those children he 'works so hard to support'....

QuintessentialOldDear Fri 06-Sep-13 18:49:24

But you have traded your husband for a comfortable lifestyle, why do you complain?

You have however also made a choice for your children to live without a father, so you can be kept in comfort without him around.

Not sure what you want now.

Thisisaeuphemism Fri 06-Sep-13 18:50:31

It is her choice to repair it, not her responsibility.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:50:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:51:26

MI - I think the OP's husband should be the one making the big gesture, ie, moving back in with his family.

If that's what she wants - not sure it is though?

Badvoc Fri 06-Sep-13 18:51:46

"Quality time" = shagging around now, does it?

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