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Cheating DH, 'friend' and my strange domestic set-up.

(123 Posts)
merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 17:37:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lotsgoingon Fri 06-Sep-13 17:41:27

given the scenario you've described, I'd have thought that what happened was pretty much inevitable, sorry.

hmsvictoria Fri 06-Sep-13 17:41:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's a nightmare sad

What happened between him "falling in love" with her and him confessing all to you and saying he was sorry?

Do you believe what he's told you and is telling you now about no contact etc?

And do you think you want to stay with him?

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 17:50:32

I think flying home and back every week for 6 years is pretty devoted actually.

InternationalPower Fri 06-Sep-13 17:58:29

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I agree with lots. With with their circumstances as you describe, I do think it was more or less inevitable.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:00:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior Fri 06-Sep-13 18:01:02

Inevitable? Why? It is actually perfectly possible for men and women to spend time together and keep their pants on.

HairyGrotter Fri 06-Sep-13 18:02:57

I don't get the whole 'inevitable' thing, what a sad view of people some folk have. He cheated, end of

motherinferior Fri 06-Sep-13 18:04:15

If he's been there for six years, presumably his loneliness is his own problem. He's had plenty of time to sort out a social life for himself. I think you're being unfairly bashed.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:05:34

How horrible for you. But as others have said, your relationship was already precarious.

Could he look for another job back in the UK as your current relationship clearly isn't sustainable.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:06:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:07:22

I don't think he can be excused for cheating. But, if there's very little sex - well I do think it puts a relationship in a dangerous place.

But he should have spoken to you before it got to this stage.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:08:25

Merlin - I do think the whole mon-fri apart thing puts an enormous strain on relationships.

For both of you.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 06-Sep-13 18:08:34

Where do you want to go from here, OP?

Do you want to try and work through this? Or do you think that this is the end?

There is a lot to work through, so take it one step at a time. One decision at a time.

It's a good thing that he told you, if you'd never have suspected. At least he was honest. That doesn't excuse what he did, of course, and you'd be completely reasonable to kick him out and refuse to speak to him again.

What is your heart saying? And your head?

WoundUpWanda Fri 06-Sep-13 18:10:54

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PenelopePitstops Fri 06-Sep-13 18:11:24

Cheating is cheating end of. Lack of sex isn't an excuse.

On the other hand he had sex once.

Perhaps he needs to move back to the UK?

Don't make any major decisions yet.

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:14:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

defineme Fri 06-Sep-13 18:15:49

Nothing is inevitable. There were many many other solutions to loneliness/no sex than adultery with a close friend... Personally I would have thought having a wank and joining some clubs would have been a more appropriate solution in the short term and long term looking for another job at home so he could work on relationship he's committed to and his children.

I's up to you op.If I could forgive, everything would have to start again from scratch and that would include work/living arrangements.
You'd be perfectly within your rights to file for divrfce.

WoundUpWanda Fri 06-Sep-13 18:16:40

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alterego2 Fri 06-Sep-13 18:16:54

The fact that some people see it as inevitable doesn't make it any less painful. I am sorry for what you must be suffering merlincat

My husband sounds very much like yours - quiet, apparently honourable, a family man. Two years ago, he had an affair - with his secretary. What a cliche.

These things are not inevitable - they are the result of choices that have been made. Decisions that have been taken.

Right now, you need to try and make sense of what you have learned. And then you need to try and work out if you want him to go, or if you want to try and make a go of things. Neither route is easy but it is your choice. If he is away every week anyway then at least his absence will give you the headspace to try and work out what you want to happen next.

FWIW we are trying to work things out. It is not easy but it was the choice we made.

Badvoc Fri 06-Sep-13 18:22:10

What, exactly, are you getting from this relationship other than a comfortable lifestyle op?

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 06-Sep-13 18:25:10

Has your DH said he's now looking to change job/location after his big revelation? The current situation clearly isn't working for either of you so I'd be expecting him to do that at the very least.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 06-Sep-13 18:25:51

Why would somebody be in love with somebody one day then call the next and finish the affair/ not be in love.
OP, your dh could have said no, even though many would say it was inevitable.
Him being away and very little time for you and the dc will have taken its toll over the 6 years you have been back here again.
This is no excuse for what he has done.
If you want him back and to try again I would suggest insisting he works in this country and becomes a family man. There is no reason why you should be the sole carer for your dc. I know sometimes one parent does more than the other but he should want a good relationship and to care for his dc. Considering he has a very good job, he should find work here easily.

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow Fri 06-Sep-13 18:27:06

Inevitable? Really? As a pp said, he made a choice - could have chosen not to.

So sorry, OP. Positives? At least he came clean....

merlincat Fri 06-Sep-13 18:29:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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