Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Still feeling crap after over a year, will I ever learn to stop looking.

(68 Posts)
Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 15:35:14

I was in a relationship for five years with my ?soul mate? or at least that?s what we both thought. We did have problems, mainly masturbation and internet addition on his part but we tried to work on it and he sort of quit, and also I think I kind of accepted it. He said these and other problems were caused by the fact we did not live together, so he moved in. I felt like I spent my life trying to please him. Then just over a year ago, after a couple of weeks of acting weird and pretty shitty, he left me. He never gave any explanation and has never contacted me. He still owes me a small amount of money and ignores my phone calls.
I found out recently that he has not got another woman (I thought this might be an explanation) and has recently quit his job. His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family.
Sometimes I am consumed with curiosity to know how he justifies the decisions he made. The thing is I am still unbelievably cut up about it, I know how mad it is but I still think about him every day and, I guess, miss him (how crazy is that). Does anyone have any advice on letting go, it is making me so unhappy.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 20:16:37

I couldn't block him before because he got in first and blocked me iykwim. I could only block him once he'd unblocked me so I could see his profile to block him.

God that sounded complicated!!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 20:01:16

Oh booster he's deleted. I only noticed as I saw him pop up with comments on a few mutual friends' threads. He is now firmly blocked!

Boosterseat Thu 19-Sep-13 19:01:32

Shit not shot.

but fwiw you are well shot grin

Boosterseat Thu 19-Sep-13 19:01:00

Delete him Bitoutofpratice!

It screams "Shot, now I've unblocked her she's noticed I'm still on her Facebook and she's deleted me. Why? Bet she's up to all sorts? Damn she was awesome and she now knows what an actual loser I am and wants fuck all to do with me"

Don't let that that twat keep tabs and judge you! Make him sweat.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 18:01:04

I'm having a shit day at work as well!

I shall retain my steely silence and enjoy knowing he's wetting his pants thinking I might tell his mommy what an arsehole he is! grin

Chyochan Thu 19-Sep-13 16:34:26

Ok, thanks. Having a shit day at work tho, which is a bit of a bummer.

How things with you?
I did laugh when you posted your ex has unblocked you on facebook, you need to get busy with your camera and post some shots of you at various functions (all the while with some unexplained attractive man in the background) thatll give him something to keep him occupied.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 16:13:48

How are you doing chyochan?

cerealqueen Tue 17-Sep-13 23:16:24

^I felt like I spent my life trying to please him. Then just over a year ago, after a couple of weeks of acting weird and pretty shitty, he left me. He never gave any explanation and has never contacted me. He still owes me a small amount of money and ignores my phone calls.

I found out recently that he has not got another woman (I thought this might be an explanation) and has recently quit his job. His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family. ^

What are you regretting exactly?? Is it that he treated you like that and got away with it, and being a twunt still managed to find somebody else to be with him?

Having said that, I have past form for obsessively dwelling on exes. Best thing is to write a very long email to him, edit it, get it perfect in what you want to say and by the end of that process you will be sick of it, yourself for thinking of him but mostly, just sick of him, and DELETE it.

Then stop wasting any time on this loser. I wish you all the best.

Boosterseat Tue 17-Sep-13 22:19:40

grin for you Bitoutofpratice.

I wish we had a bootupthearse smiley.

3mum Tue 17-Sep-13 22:07:28

I agree that the greatest damage is to your self esteem. I don't want my cheating ex back. We could never mend our relationship after all his lies, but the scars still hurt and I suspect they always will. That whole thing that apparently any random woman is better than me and the fact that I lived my whole adult life thinking I was in one relationship when actually I was in another so I can't even trust my judgment let alone his.

Logically I know that he cheated because he is a selfish, entitled twunt who always had to be centre stage, but logic doesn't really help your feelings.

My scars are bad enough that relationships are off the table for good. I won't ever lay myself open to another person to abuse me that way again. I'm actually pretty happy on my own, but I think even if a perfect relationship came calling now (and it won't) I wouldn't take it because now I believe that any man would cheat on me again or I might end up with a man who is abusive in other ways.

Note to self: must buy more cats.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 17-Sep-13 16:57:07

Found out today that my ex has unblocked me on FB

I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has amused me to think that he's checking up on me now while I couldn't give a shiney shit what he's doing! <boot on other foot>


Boosterseat Tue 17-Sep-13 15:05:56

grin Glad to be of some assistance amusement

Chyochan Tue 17-Sep-13 14:39:52

I think it was the 'emotional spectrum of an earthworm and the personality of a damp towel' post that did it smile

Chyochan Tue 17-Sep-13 14:38:22

Sorry Skye things are tough atm.
I suppose at least with my ex over the years I kind of realised he was a wanker had issues.
To see someone you think is ok, a teriffic guy even, change overnight must be horrific.
I read a post, it may have been yours, about how there is a lump of sadness inside and you feel like you will never stop wanting things to have been different.
But I dont think that lump does last forever, one day it wont be there and it will feel ok that you are no longer together, even a relief, its impossible to imagine now but it does happen.
Im feeling for the first time like this is begining to happen for me.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 17-Sep-13 13:57:17

Oh I welled up at both those last posts.

Skye, have you thought about writing him a letter? Not sending it. But getting it all out on paper. I wrote to my wanker ex every day for months on my iPad and never sent them. Sometimes sad. Sometimes angry.

Then the letters got less and less frequent until last month when I read through them all, had a good cry for the indescribable pain he caused me and wrote him what I suspect will be the last one.

It really helped me. And when I read back though them all it helps me realise just how far I've come.

Undertone, I think you're a bit like the op. it's less about the wankbadger ex, more about the crap he left behind for you up try and process for yourself.

Undertone Mon 16-Sep-13 21:32:40

Meh. I too went out with a whopping loser, fell head over heels, everyone around me (family, friends, people we'd just met...) thought he was a dweeby weirdo, and what the HELL was i doing with him? Poor social skills, unattractive, incompatible sexually - you name it.

He suddenly left me for another girl. It's been almost a year and I'm surprised if at least once or twice a day (or many many times) i don't think about why he left me.

Mum hit it on the head one day. She said that i didn't miss HIM. that wasn't why i felt sad and angry. Instead I was stewing over this massive insult he'd dealt me; not falling and staying fallen at my feet in gratitude that i chose him. I was angry at myself for still not being good enough to even hold onto such a conspicuously inadequate fucko.

But it's not a league table after all. I can't expect love from someone i subconsciously think should be grateful. He was free to love who he liked. So am i but there's still a lot of scar tissue in there and i have been isolating myself more and more recently, which isn't good (maybe has more to do with working 60 hour weeks but hey ho).

I just feel paralysed - scared of making the same mistake. And it feels impossible to approach anyone who feels more 'on a level' because i know they would reject me.


skyeskyeskye Mon 16-Sep-13 20:36:16

It's been 17 months for me and some days it just drives me mad. I know what I need to do, I can tell others what they need to do but some days I just can't do it myself.

Because my XH left so suddenly claiming he no longer loved me, it was a huge shock. To discover all the texts with OW was just devastating as I trusted him implicitly. He was very shy, not good at talking to people.

But that is where the fantasy came in, texting and emailing, pouring out your feelings to OW is so much easier than talking to your wife isn't it?

I have so many unanswered questions. I know I will never get the answers. I have things I want to say to XH but have left it too long after the divorce to say them. Not even divorced a year yet. Left in April, divorced him in November.

All too much to deal with. My doctor said its only a short space of time since this happened and that grief takes an unspecified amount of time to work through.

I know it will be ok one day. I know that one day I will not think about him at all. But I still find myself caring about what actually happens to him and I shouldn't after the way he treated me.

Sorry, rambling myself now. Trying to explain hiw i feel and that i understand. But there is some good advice on this thread for the OP and me and others going through similar.

Boosterseat Mon 16-Sep-13 14:51:44

My DH doesn't isn't usually very introspective but has given me the best piece of advice anyone has ever offered up.

You cannot change a person, they can only change themselves

Going over and over this actions will only pull your self esteem down further. Simple plain truth is - he did it because he wanted to, and it was more important to him than you. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, and it is in no way a reflection of you - his choice, his actions, his consequences.

There was nothing you could do to stop it- selfishness runs through this joke of a man like a seam of coal (except with no use/value!)

His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family.

Chatting online is safe, no one has to know how sexually and socially incompetent he is, its a safety net of fantasy where he is the alpha-male stud muffin with loads of interesting things to say. In RL you know that not to be true, in fact he is a sad little man hiding behind his keyboard grabbing his own balls instead of grabbing his own real life by the bollocks.

Plenty of men out there who don't have the emotional spectrum of an earthworm and the personality of a damp towel.

If posting makes you feel better, then keep getting it out. Think of him like a bad case of nits, it may take a few combs and a few chemicals wine
but once your head is clear that little itch which was bugging you will be a long distant memory.

Chyochan Mon 16-Sep-13 14:30:22

I do feel better, it seems to go in jumps though, like steps up.
He does sound awfull I know, he wasnt always like that.
When we met he was really in to having a relationship with me, was over the moon that I was his girlfriend, bought me expensive presents, the works, we were going to be together for ever, we were soulmates, etc. Except there was almost no sex, so there was always some mystery and confusion.
I still question why he did the things he did, I dont think I will ever stop wondering what was going on in his head.

Boosterseat Mon 16-Sep-13 14:19:25

You mourn for the loss of the relationship you wanted (and deserve!)

Its hard to let go of the ideals you had, you cling to the good memories and they become rose tinted.

Make a list of the good things, then make a list of all the shitty things. Look at the list when you feel like you are wavering.

Grieving is a process, and everyone moves at their own pace, there is no right or wrong amount of time but remember all the time you spend thinking about this loser is time you're taking away from all the positive things in your life.

i.e you're awesome and he's a sad loser. grin

This^^ grin

BitOutOfPractice Mon 16-Sep-13 14:12:16

Skye, hope you're ok too.

I agree, letting go is really tough

BitOutOfPractice Mon 16-Sep-13 14:10:39

Crikey chyochan! He sounds like a right catch wink

It sounds like he was dragging you down with him and you're better off without him! It's not always easy to remember that though is it? Even when your head tells you he was no good, your heart can take a while to catch on!

But it seems like you are starting to see the wood for the trees? Do you feel any better?

Chyochan Mon 16-Sep-13 13:59:40

Iv also wondered what it is exactly that has/is still getting to me, I cant really miss him, what exactly is it that is cousing me pain?

For the last couple of years he seemd to only really be interested in talking about himself and I was begining to find this a bit boreing tbh.
In the end I couldnt even discuss problems with him as I felt he would turn it on me and use any difficulties as proof of how useless I was.
He was socialy phobic, so we had no social life, and he was a nightmare around friends and family anyway.
I still found him attractive tho but seeing as he didnt 'put out', in truth I might as well have had a poster of Michael McMannus on my wall if I wanted someone sexy but unavailable in my bedroom.
At least he would not exspect me to cook dinner and wash up every night.
It really must be about something else, either a loss of a fantasy you have about the future (maybe even the present), that and the damage to selfesteem that getting dumped gives you.
Also the wondering why and confussion, I have found that very difficult to deal with.

skyeskyeskye Sun 15-Sep-13 16:24:26

Bitoutifpractice, an excellent post that I need to apply to myself.... It doesn't matter....

OP you have had some good advise here. It can be really hard letting go sad

BitOutOfPractice Sun 15-Sep-13 13:41:05

Oh thank you! I'm not sure I'm that nice but your story struck a chord with me and I've tried, cack handedly to offer a helping hand!

Well done in getting that new perspective!! That's a huge step on the road.

Do you know what? I think you're over him. I don't think it's him that's bothering you. I think it's more about what you think him leaving you said about you and yourself. He is just the vehicle for you to examine yourself and how you feel about yourself. What him leaving did to your self esteem. And that's not necessarily a bad thing to ponder, so long as you come to the correct conclusion in the end. ie you're awesome and he's a sad loser. grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now