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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Karma has come around and bitten me

(106 Posts)
karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:26:07

Im posting on here because I am at my lowest of low and I cant turn to anyone in RL. I think I am hoping that someone might care enough to be kind to me today, but I am prepared for a flaming, I know how it works.

I have been having an affair with a married man for 18 months. I thought he loved me, I thought he would leave his wife eventually for me. He told me he loved me every day.

Then I found out he has been seeing someone else as well. I told him I knew and now he has ended things with me.

So now I have nobody at all. He has a wife and a mistress and I have nobody. I took some tablets this morning because I cant see any way out of this despair, but then I got scared and made myself sick. I cant function, I cant eat and I cant sleep, I just want this feeling to go away.

I love him. I gave him everything and he wasnt who I thought he was. I am a horrible person and now I have nobody at all

internationallove985 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:00:38

Also O.P. Remember Karma will get him as well, eventually.
Karma is like God, sees everything. xxx

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:05:50

If he didnt love me then that means that no man has ever loved me. My husband told me he had never loved me when he left me.

I have never felt so alive and loved that when I was with this man, its like it must have all been a dream

I must be a truly awful person if I am incapable of someone loving me for me :-(

Beamur Fri 06-Sep-13 15:06:51

I bet your kids love you.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:08:04

only because they have to, they didnt come along and choose me

Karma, please please please seek urgent medical advice (A&E) about the tablets you took.

I don't mean to frighten you but it is really important - especially if what you took was paracetamol. Some drugs in overdose can do immense and lasting damage which doesn't show up until a few days later.

But if you go now they will be able to make sure there is nothing left in your system to damage you.

They won't judge. They have seen it all before. They will give you the help you need. And things will get better for you, probably sooner than you think.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:16:04

I only took about 10 and they were all out within 10 minutes, they were still whole

Its not you that is the problem. If you have low self esteem especially if you have had bad experiences in the past then your need to be loved makes you an easy target for selfish people because they know you will settle for less of a relationship than you really deserve.

You really should get some counselling in the longer term.

I think in the short term you should take Outrageous's post very seriously. What did you take?

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 15:20:08

They don't have to love you.

They love you generously, freely, innocently.

Who knows if you have been loved or not.
I'm not sure I have by a man. Not truly loved.
I do know I have people in my life who love me.

You need to realise that you are worthy of true love and not have to put up with any shit.
You are worthy of a Man, a real, caring, loving man.
You may not find him, but you are still a person who is worth a lot and is needed by vulnerable children.

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 15:20:40

You're not an awful person. You are a normal person with your good bits and your bad bits and your strengths and your weaknesses.

Same as this man and the OOW and his wife and your exH and every single person who posts on this thread.

This too will pass. Maybe it's time to talk to a professional counsellor to help you through this low time.

wannaBe Fri 06-Sep-13 15:21:16

Op, affairs can never end well because of the hurt they cause to others and because of the self destruction they cause to the perpitrators.

It's very easy to see someone who has had an affair as a nasty horrible person who is undeserving of empathy, however so often affairs are a product of circumstance, where often those who have them do so because of their own lack of self worth, a lack of self worth which just deteriorates the longer the affair goes on.

You found out that someone you loved wasn't the person you thought he was. The fact that he is married is irrelevant at this point, you loved someone and you are legitimately allowed to grieve for the loss of that love.

But then you need to do two things:

You need to allow yourself to grieve that loss, because it is a real loss, and no-one can take that away from you.

And then you need to forgive yourself. No good can come from self loathing and retribution. It's ok, good even to acknowledge the hurt you have caused to others, and the reminder of that will be a reminder to you why you shouldn't do it again. but it's done now. It was the past, it's over, and you have learned a valuable lesson from it. It's ok to forgive yourself and to move forward.

lunar1 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:27:51

Please go to the hospital, you really don't know how much may have been absorbed.

Yes you made a mistake but your children don't deserve to lose you.

Zoe999 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:30:50

U r not a horrible person. Life is complucated. He sounds such an entitled user. He'll bring misery to his wife's lap soon. I hope u feel better soon.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:36:52

What have I dont to his wife? she does not deserve any of this, how could i be a part of it

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:38:27

The tablets werent absorbed they were whole they were capsules

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 15:52:03

Do not beat yourself up.

You did something wrong. Most of us have done wrong things at one time or another.
Do forgive yourself and learn from it.

And he was the one who promised fidelity to her. I am never one to blame the OW. I do think the unfaithful partner has 100% responsibility before their partner.

Bluemonkeyspots Fri 06-Sep-13 15:57:18

Just wanted to add a message of support, you are not the first or last person to make a mistake. It does to define who you are.

Take care of yourself, the pain will get better, one piece of advice I was given when going through a tough time was "in 5 years time will what you're going through now really matter" always makes me realise that things will get better.

NaturalBaby Fri 06-Sep-13 16:58:21

It's done now, you are suffering and hopefully so is he.
Focus on your kids, your home and yourself now -you can use this horrible experience to make yourself a better and stronger person.
The pain is awful but you can and will move on.

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 18:15:23

"I nearly rang his wife today as well I am scared that I will do that."

Now I am cross. You are in control of everything you do and don't even pretend you can't help yourself.

You need to delete. I know you are hurting but feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere and you don't have time to wallow.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 18:17:55

Why are you cross? :-(

I dont mean that I cant help myself, I mean that I will get it into my head that it is a good idea to ring her when I know it isnt

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 18:32:11

Because you are being self indulgent and making out you are not in control of your actions. You are. You made a choice to sleep with a married man. I am sympathetic as heartache is shit but you need to get through this and stop thinking about what you might do when it is stupid thing to do. Read the book I suggested.

Scarletohello Fri 06-Sep-13 18:46:30

Sweetheart I have been in a similar place to you. It hurts like hell. You have been badly deceived. You are worthy of love, his treatment of you doesn't define who you are. The pain will pass in time but right now you are both grieving and full of impotent rage. Be kind to yourself. If you can get therapy I would advise cognitive therapy as you have some very painful and erroneous beliefs about yourself. I'm 8 months on from where you are. It does get easier I promise...

Onebuddhaisnotenough Fri 06-Sep-13 18:49:02

Where are your children at the minute?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 06-Sep-13 21:19:23

I know you feel like you have directly hurt his wife but the chances are since he has a mistress is that he has done this before and he will do it again. I don't mean to be horrible but it's he who has done this to his wife, not you. You didn't make him cheat on his wife. If he loved his wife enough, he wouldn't have done it no matter what you said or did. If he had any ounce of respect for his wife or kids, he wouldn't have done what he did.

Yes, you made a mistake getting involved with someone who was married and yes you should take a moment to acknowledge you should never do something like this again.

However, if we do something bad it doesn't automatically make us a bad person. I have made mistakes aplenty, but I honestly now believe I am not a bad person. I am good person who has made bad choices and that stands the same for you.

I really think you should seek professional help. I don't mean this in a 'you're crazy' way I mean this as a way to move on and deal with your emotions and your low self esteem. I have been to counselling an am a generally well rounded person it doesn't make you any less of a person. See if you can get a friend or family member to have the kids for an hour a week so you can discuss it with a counsellor.

You said you have cut away from those you were close to because of this relationship. I am sure if they truly care they will welcome you again with open arms. They may say I told you so, they may ask you why you didn't talk sooner but you know they will more than likely want to help when they realise how down you have been feeling.

Go and give your children a big hug if you can (or watch them peacefully sleeping if they are in bed). This should remind you of what really matters in your world. Because no matter what, they will love you.

They don't love you because they have to they love you because you have made them feel safe, they have fun with you, they enjoy your company and you are the one stable thing in their life.

Think about that before you think about taking any drastic actions again in the future.

Bluemonkeyspots Fri 06-Sep-13 21:35:52

Ahh op there was a thread I read on here today from a wife who's husband had cheated on her at kayaking club and the other woman had since found out she had nerve damage due to kayaking (have tried to give you enough info to search)

Op was going on about how karma had been served and she was pounced on with all the "it was your dh that was to blame for the affair not the other woman" posts.

Mumsnet is a funny place, please take the support but treat the negative comments with a pinch of salt. How can anyone really pass comment on you after just reading a few paragraphs of your life.

How are you feeling tonight?

karmasgotme Mon 09-Sep-13 12:52:22

Thank you for all your replies.

I am feeling much better today, I cant believe how low I got on Friday, it really did feel like the end of the world for me.

I am feeling much more positive. I have been asked out on a date by a friend of a friend and whilst I am in no way ready for any sort of relationship, I am going to go, just because it gives me something to focus on this week (he knows we are going as 'friends')

Thank you for all your support and kindness. I am reading the book recommended and whilst I still feel absolutely crap about everything, I am going to find that light at the end of the tunnel, eventually.

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