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Really annoying person I could get my own back on... but should I?

(148 Posts)
LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 13:47:04

Looking for some votes here for or against while I decide what to do.

Two years ago I was helping organise a charity event and somebody who didn't know I was the chairman of the volunteer sports club involved was obnoxious to me. Gratuitously rude and insulting. I withdrew with dignity and said to her "I hope you never want to join our Club in the future". She didn't know at the time I was senior management.

Now two years later she has applied to join with her new partner and I could "black ball" her. She has friends who have begged me not to, she has turned over a new leaf, she is with a new man etc etc.

I have done stupid things myself in the past, and maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. But already she has upset me again with this, and I will have to socialise with her for years potentially.

So do I block her application and look petty? Or be the bigger person and say nothing? This is a very small place...

Sparkeleigh Fri 06-Sep-13 14:20:01

She might not treat you as rudely now she realises your position, but if you think there's even the smallest chance she might repeat her behaviour with other people in the club, I'd blackball her.

For full disclosure I've been in a great sports club that was been torn apart by someone troublemaking, so I'm biased. I'm also sceptical about passing the blame for her behaviour onto her old partner - I'd be more inclined to believe she's 'changed' if she took responsibility for herself and apologised.

Celadorthepinksequineddragon Fri 06-Sep-13 14:20:01

I would chat with her and if you think she hasn't changed - blackball.

If it's a friendly, relaxed club, I wouldn't want the dynamics changed by this person. I'd also not want to risk them bullying anyone else (to me, it sounds like she did bully you).

Sparkeleigh Fri 06-Sep-13 14:21:36

"was been?" sorry, my brain clearly failed on that bit...

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 14:22:05

Black ball.

cees Fri 06-Sep-13 14:25:04

I'd black ball, you don't need the hassle.

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 14:30:40

If you go out to dinner and your companion is nice to you but nasty to the waitress then they are not a nice person.

Is there an opportunity for you to be in the same place socially before deciding?

Blackballing on the basis of one situation might be OTT, depending on just how awful she was.

Viking1 Fri 06-Sep-13 14:32:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leopoldina Fri 06-Sep-13 14:34:06

the reason you've been given the right to black ball is because your opinion is valued and trusted in terms of who is suitable to join your club. You are exercising it on behalf of the whole club, not just yourself (black ball the witch)

Vatta Fri 06-Sep-13 14:35:29

Black ball.

If her friends hassle you about it, just point out that this is a social club, and only people who will be a good "fit" are allowed to join. Based on her past behaviour, you don't think she's a good fit, that's totally valid.

hairclipcloe Fri 06-Sep-13 14:38:06

Blackball - don't feel guilty or bad about doing it. She sounds like a bully and a bitch and the fact that you've already got her minions on your back is an indication of what it could be like if she joins.

Vivacia Fri 06-Sep-13 14:41:00

I can't get a handle on the situation (applying to join a sports club?) but how about asking her tfor an informal chat about her application? Be honest, tell her obviously you are fully aware of her opinions on X and that this causes you some concerns.

Her friends shouldn't be talking to you and apologising on her behalf. She should be.

Zoe999 Fri 06-Sep-13 14:41:40

Blackball. Its only a social club.. uu r not ruining het life

NettleTea Fri 06-Sep-13 14:42:41

Black ball. Someone who thinks its OK to bully/humiliate you because she believes you inferior to her is a surefire red flag of an abusive personality.
Those things dont change.
And, as poster above points out, she is bullying again, only indirectly this time. She sounds a nightmare and like she may attempt to challenge you to rule the roost at some point in the future.

BeCool Fri 06-Sep-13 14:42:42

Perhaps ask yourself WHY you have been given the right to BlackBall applicants - surely you have this right for a purpose?

What is the purpose?
And if it's approrpiate to use this power now, then do it.

Sometimes karma in action needs a helping hand.

Thumbwitch Fri 06-Sep-13 14:42:49

Another vote for blackball.

If she now knows that you are in charge, AND you let her in, she will probably come in all smug and "ha, I STILL got in despite you saying I wouldn't two years ago".

Any H&S breach through showing off and stupidity, especially where bullyboy tactics were involved, is good enough reason to keep her out, IMO.

I agree with whoever else mentioned Wendy - she will turn into a Wendy and you might find yourself having to leave your own club if she joins.

If her friends decide to leave off the back of you denying her entry, then that's tough, but it's their decision.

It might help if some other person on the committee (if there is one) denies her application as well of course!

Charbon Fri 06-Sep-13 14:44:32

I have an inbuilt dislike of blackballing, especially when it is anonymous and done in a covert fashion. So I wonder whether there is something in the membership criteria that would prevent her joining, that would be consistently and demonstrably applied to other applicants with the same shortfall?

Failing that, I'm sure you can produce a code of conduct and point out that her earlier transgression was a breach of club rules and so you are minded not to approve the application, unless she can refute what you saw happening, to your satisfaction. But I would be transparent about that and own the decision. In this case her friends' eavesdropping is going to ensure she knows whose decision it was and if it's a fair one, you should have confidence making and communicating it.

Plus, you might just enjoy it wink.

FondantNancy Fri 06-Sep-13 14:45:02

This: Invite her in for a chat about her membership application and see how she reacts when she realises who you are.

And THEN blackball!

wheredidiputit Fri 06-Sep-13 14:48:40

If you don't want to 'Blackball' her, could you explain your reasons to the other committee member and leave it to them and not vote. Then there can not be any comeback on you.

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 14:49:39

Gosh! You are a very unforgiving lot! Very few seem to think I should be generous. Luckily my spell in charge is now over and I am back in the ranks so ultimately this is not my decision. But as some of you pointed out I have the power of veto for a reason. I have until Monday to decide what to do in the best interests of the Club.

I think this person potentially could cause difficulties within the Club, but being warned now might put her on her best behaviour.
I am also aware that I am a little afraid of the consequences of crossing her, due to her profession and her loudness! I wish I could be as brave in RL as you lot are over the internet!

Thumbwitch Fri 06-Sep-13 14:49:55

As a matter of interest, has she made any attempt herself to apologise for her awful behaviour and say that she acted stupidly and has changed? Because if she hasn't apologised then DEFINITELY don't let her in, however you achieve that - she won't be sorry.

InMyShreddies Fri 06-Sep-13 14:51:16


I have to ask though... what's a Wendy?

Stropzilla Fri 06-Sep-13 14:51:33

I'm sorry I'd blackball. Why be the bigger person when it's doubtful she'd appreciate it? Her friends getting involved sort of tell me she's not changed, but they'd like you to think that! No way would I want to spend time with someone I didn't like, and yes I'd avoid it if at all possible. But I'm feeling knocky and unforgiving today.

LePamplemousseMousse Fri 06-Sep-13 14:52:32

I would black ball. I agree that you are in a role to decide who is suitable for the club - not just for your sake but for all members. Someone who belittles others like a school bully does not sound like they are going add to the enjoyment of the club. I understand her friends may suspect you've black balled her but you're not the only one voting, so you may not be the only one especially if other senior members are aware of your concerns.

I wouldn't risk ruining an important area of your life by letting her into it. You could really come to regret it as people rarely change, her behaviour surely has nothing to do with which partner she's with.

And you did warn her, after all grin

A Wendy (name given to a protagonist in a thread)

A Wendy is someone who appears to be your friend who you then introduce to your group of friends who makes it their business to gradually worm their way in with your friends and ostracise you. You go from from being in the midst of a friendship group to being out in the cold.

KoalaFace Fri 06-Sep-13 15:00:31

Blackball vote is protecting your safe space from infiltration from bitch face.

But will fall out from her posse make it worse?

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