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Think I fucked up - how do I make it better?

(38 Posts)
RememberingMyPFEs Fri 06-Sep-13 00:33:27

Apologies for the length of the post - I needed to get it all out iykwim

I have a 5.5wo DD and am exhausted. DH is stressed with work right now and working long hours but is my rock when he's home. I had a shit day today with no sleep overnight and a very fussy and fractious child all day. Called DH in tears at 7pm and he came home with flowers. I'm not in PND territory but I get how I could be...

DD won't tolerate being put down in the day so DH took her while I sorted dinner but he made a couple of comments I took badly and we sniped a bit. I said we were both tired so we kissed and made up.

A little later I was trying to work through plans for coming weekends (his folks, my folks etc) and he's a bit shit at planning but got increasingly arsey at me asking. Eventually came out that he thought I was 'banging on' about one aspect as I was trying to figure out what he actually wanted to do.

I then said we should talk about our communication as it was clearly shit ATM. He was hmm
I should have left it alone but I can't.
We chatted a bit and I couldn't stop crying. Felt misunderstood and unsupported (unreasonably so) and had overwhelming urge to cause myself pain.

Got ice cream to calm myself down, couldn't get the spoon in cos it was too hard and had complete 5yo temper tantrum. Ended up with pot flying across table where i jammed the spoon in and it hit DH leg. Pathetic. I ran into the kitchen and screamed ten got all passive aggressive with DH cos he didn't run after me to check I was ok.
Ended up pulling my hair and being a compete child.
DH stropped off to bed. Can't blame him.

I should have left DD with him and got an early night til the next feed but instead I've pushed away my rock and am up alone and scared, shattered and wondering how the fuck to undo my pathetic behaviour. I think I really scared DH too sadsadsad

Thanks for sticking with me if you're still reading thanks
(Shoulda name changed but dunno how to on the app)

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 11-Sep-13 21:43:47

That's wonderful news OP. It's sooo hard with a new sleep depriving screaming machine baby. I'm glad you are getting support from your DH and

cloudskitchen Wed 11-Sep-13 14:00:48

That's good news. I used to have to get out at least once a day when dd was a baby even if only to get her weighed (and preserve my sanity) X

caramelwaffle Wed 11-Sep-13 11:49:34

Good to hear that.

Good luck with everything.

PuddingAndHotMilk Wed 11-Sep-13 10:17:15

Hi all. Name changed since my OP but wanted to say thanks again for all the support. Things are starting to look better, I had a great chat worth the HV who is coming to see us every week for 'listening support'. DH is working from home one day per week so I can catch some sleep while he looks after DD and I've decide to stop being to hard on myself (in theory at least)
I'm also making sure I get out every day I'm home alone - slowly I'll make some friends locally I'm sure.
Thanks again for the support thanksthanks

skyeskyeskye Fri 06-Sep-13 22:46:22

Have you got any Sure Start Children's Centres near you? They usually have baby groups and classes and you hopefully meet new people and make some friends. Hopefully your HV can help you or refer you to the doctor.

I remember one night when up feeding at 2am, sat there crying my eyes out because work hadnt sent me a card. I was surrounded by over 100 cards yet crying over 1.

Tip for the ice team next time? - put it in the microwave for a few seconds, then you will get the spoon in smile

LilyAmaryllis Fri 06-Sep-13 22:36:45

I'd put a load of asterisks in there but of course they all disappeared!

LilyAmaryllis Fri 06-Sep-13 22:35:38

You're doing brilliantly Remembering glad you managed a smidge of sleep and sounds like you managed to calm the situation down with your DH in the morning.

I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your mum last year. I would strongly advise postponing the flight to see your dad. If you take that trip you will look back on it and think, "what the was I doing??!". Hopefully you can help your dad understand its not personal, its for the sake of your health at this point.

Ah... it does gradually get easier with every week and month...

ModreB Fri 06-Sep-13 18:56:13

I remember when Velcro baby DS3 was about 7wo, DH had told me go to bed early as I was so tired, and he (equally tired but didn't have to get up the following morning - I did as I had a hosp appointment with DS2 and DS2 wouldn't let anyone else take him - he has ASD) stayed up with a crying, colicky baby.

He told me the next morning that he sat with a crying baby at 11pm, himself crying with tiredness and emotion at Titanic grin

Be kind to yourself, and your DH. Speak to your HV, and if you need help, take it. It will get better, I promise.

madrudge Fri 06-Sep-13 16:23:52

I once threw a 2 pint bottle of milk with the lid off at my sleeping husband because he wouldn't.wake up to help with the baby. He took me straight to the Doctors, but it would have been much more helpful if he had just let me sleep. Doctor gave me pills , which I knew I didn't need - it was purely lack of sleep and extreme anger at seeing husband happily snoozing.

LondonNinja Fri 06-Sep-13 16:15:48

Marialuna, you don't get a prize for that you know. Needs must.

OP, it's bloody hard work and the emotional side can knock you for six. Go easy on yourself. Seek support and help and remember - lots of people go through this. Take care.

absentmindeddooooodles Fri 06-Sep-13 15:50:05

Its such early days so dont beat yourself up. Adjusting to having a screaming weiggling arsey bundle that does not want to sleep is such hard work and its obviously going to take its toll.

Go say sorry to your dh. Give him a hug and just explain really nicely how bad you are feeling. Also id have a little chat to your hv.

I was a total monster for the first few months. Sleep deprivation is horrid and makes you unreasonable at the best of times. Get dh to take baby so you can have a sleep now and again. Hope you feel better. It will pass smile

tangerinefeathers Fri 06-Sep-13 15:42:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

audweb Fri 06-Sep-13 15:27:25

You sound what I was like (my little one is now approaching 7 months). I slipped well into the PND territory and my behaviour got worse and worse before I admitted defeat. Now, thats not to say you will follow suite, but I would strongly advise you to follow all the fantastic advice on this page. And most importantly, wellwobbly speaks a lot of sense. I don't think I was so kind to myself, and I struggled to ask for help - I also struggled to ask my OH for help, or even let him help where he could (as I was bf). I'm getting so much better at it, and that has helped me so so much.

And yes, nap when you can, 6 weeks old is nothing, and you're just getting used to the sleep deprivation where the 'high' of having a newborn is wearing off, and lack of sleep is a daily isolating slog. God, it's tough, but even with my PND, babycare is so much better/easier as the months go on. Hugs.

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 11:02:20

Apologise, give him a big hug.

Talk to your health visitor, and look out for local coffee mornings, toddler groups, NCT postnatal groups and GO. They provide huge, huge, huge social and emotional support because you are all in the same boat, and 'older' mothers can reassure you. These are the normal worries new mums have for not coming: 1. they are too fat. 2. they don't fit into any of their clothes. 3. nobody will like them 4. if you aren't instant bezzie mates that confirms you are crap and shit.

Don't worry! I used to tell my group: if you haven't managed to get out of your pyjamas by 11 o clock, just pull a tracksuit on and still come! Don't worry, its fine.

And, very very important: stop following the capitalist 24hr clock. You are NOT lazy, please take sleep deprivation seriously. It isn't used as military torture for nothing!! Do what you can housework wise, and when your baby sleeps, you sleep (especially in the afternoon).

Take care, your entire life has changed, and it is all pretty overwhelming. Be kind to yourself.

cloudskitchen Fri 06-Sep-13 10:56:00

ps. my dd never wanted to be put down. That is very tough especially when tired. It does get better. My daughter is now a thoroughly independent 11 year old that's just started high school but I remember those days so clearly x

cloudskitchen Fri 06-Sep-13 10:53:32

Those first few weeks are so so tough (I am laughing and the poo filled nappy being lobbed across the room) Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing and factor in a few hormones trying to settle themselves down, its not really surprising we lose the plot every now and again. I hope you feel better and your dh recovers from the shock of flying ice cream smile

Lazyjaney Fri 06-Sep-13 10:08:21

Sleep is absolutely everything, until youve experienced it its impossible to understand what lack of it does! Do whatever is necessary to get enough, OP. And rack back on the socialising gerfuffles, let them comevto you.

Roshbegosh Fri 06-Sep-13 09:52:00

You will feel better soon and DH will one day join you in laughing about the hideous time when you were so exhausted. Don't know about LO not tolerating being left down for a moment, maybe it is you that can't tolerate it if DD cries a bit. I know she is still tiny but you need to put her down at some point or you will go crazy.

RememberingMyPFEs Fri 06-Sep-13 09:44:10

Thank you all! I knew it would be hard but underestimated how hard it would be and am stubbornly independent so need to get better at asking for/ accepting help!

I feel slightly brighter this am and slept 1-4:30 6-8 which has helped. Had a cuddle and I apologised. DH is scared by my behaviour last night but I did explain sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Your posts have helped too!

We have our 6 week check this afternoon with the HV so I'll talk through how I'm feeling and what's going on with her. Thanks again for taking time to read and reply thanks

Dahlen Fri 06-Sep-13 07:45:14

I love being a mother and never came close to having PND, but I will happily admit that there were times in the first year that I really thought I had made a dreadful mistake. I threw a poo-covered nappy across the room in a rage once (that worked out well... hmm grin) because I'd simply had enough.

Having a baby can be one of the most stressful things anyone will ever do in their lives. I've been involved in some pretty high octane situations but I'd class my first year of being a parent as more difficult than those. There is nothing quite like it.

No one was around to witness my one-off tantrum, which I dealt with by having a good sob, sorting it out, calling my best friend and proceeding to drink best part of a bottle of wine (very unusual) while on the phone to her for nearly 2 hours.

What it made me realise was that me - someone with a remarkably high coping threshold who is well known for being calm and controlled - had reached my limitations. There is no shame in that but it is vital to acknowledge it and do something about it. You need more support.

In my case I didn't have much support I could call on. Family all dead/too far away and friends had their own lives/families, etc. I ended up adopting a fairly ruthless routine in order to get through, which maximised my opportunities for sleep. It wasn't a magic wand cure but it helped considerably.

You've had a wake-up call. Please don't beat yourself up about your behaviour. You're only human. But please don't ignore it either. Talk to your HV and your DH and accept whatever help you are able to get.

Congratulations on your DD.

newmum001 Fri 06-Sep-13 06:54:47

I remember having a very similar tantrum with hair pulling etc when DD was a similar age. DP just stood in the doorway staring at me totally shocked. I don't remember what the tantrum was about or how it was resolved but it certainly didn't have any lasting effect on us. You're exhausted and should cut yourself some slack, your dh won't hold a grudge at all I'm sure. Have a cuddle, explain that you weren't having a go at him but were just sounding off in general. The early days/weeks/months with a baby are very hard and this probably won't be your last meltdown but just make your dh aware of how tough it is and that sometimes you'll need to have a rant to him to get it out of your system. It will be fine I'm sure.

ihatethecold Fri 06-Sep-13 06:38:33

You haven't messed up. Dont be so hard on yourself.
Have a hug with your dh. He is probably feeling as upset as you

I think the early years of babies can be very isolating.
Do you have a good relationship with your mil?
Could she come and help?
Try to get out if the house on your own. Maybe at the weekend.
Speak to the hv. Ask her for some support.
Put yesterday behind you both. Today is another day smile

Sleepyfergus Fri 06-Sep-13 06:33:50

Yes Marialuna, can you explain a bit what you meant???

OP - the early days are hard, your hormones are still all over the place and the smallest things become a massive deal. I'm sure your DH will understand this and you can have a cuddle and make up in the morning. You know you we're a bit 'childish' - not saying you WERE childish, but you recognise that it all got a bit out if hand and silly.

Hope today is a better day!

MrsRoss26 Fri 06-Sep-13 06:32:49

Just wanted to add some more support. My lo is 6wks & last night my dh and I got ratty at each other. The stress of just having a newborn / tiny infant + sleep deprivation is a recipe for relationship stress, so take it easy on yourself! You're doing well, keep going, and try to get some fresh air each day, even if it's just stood in your garden/outside your front door in your jammies! thanks

doingmyhead Fri 06-Sep-13 06:25:00

Oh bless you, you are exhausted, don't be so hard in yourself.

Sleep deprivation makes us do strange things, I have a wonderful story of how my aunt thought she had thrown one of her twins out of the window! Not funny at the time, but looked back on now as a wonderful example of how being deprived of sleep makes you act bizarrely. The baby was found under the covers on her bed!

I hope you get a few hours sleep and you will feel totally different,

I also feel like having a tantrum with that rock hard ice cream at times. Ridiculous it is!

brew and thanks.


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