Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband having dinner at Nobu with female friend while I'm at home with kids

(65 Posts)
orangeblosssom Thu 05-Sep-13 23:16:00

Opinions please.
Found out today that husband had dinner at Nobu last Thursday with female friend. To make it worse, we went there for our anniversary last year.
He did tell me was going to a meeting with her but didn't know about the details.
Saw it on her Facebook page.

QueenofallIsee Fri 06-Sep-13 14:14:53

YaYa?? What a douche bag

MarshaBrady Fri 06-Sep-13 12:42:06

I agree. And I don't think it's even at a cheating issue thing here.

It's more that you don't do this stuff and make your dh or dw feel awful.

Dh goes out all the time to swish places and I don't particularly think he is untrustworthy, but I still wouldn't be happy for all the reasons you mention op.

And it would further annoy me if it was put down to insecurity.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 06-Sep-13 12:41:28

I would not find what your H did at all acceptable and I have no reason whatsoever not to trust him.

DH tells me if he (very rarely) meets any of his female colleagues/ex-colleagues for lunch. He wouldn't dream in a million years of going out for dinner to a swanky restaurant with one, nor for that matter, would I go out with a male colleague/friend.

Oh and his quality over quantity family time, complete bollocks sprouted by some blokes to get out of the tedious aspects of child care.

mignonette Fri 06-Sep-13 12:39:55

YaYa as in 'Get your YaYa's out'? How naff.

Time to have a little talk w/ her I think and reinforce some boundaries. And state quite clearly that you wish her to find another agony aunt.

As for DH, we were given instinct for a good reason and in my experience, ignoring them leads to problems. Deal w/ this now and make it clear to him that contact w/ her outside of strictly work is over. If he has issues w/ this that should tell you a lot. It is not about your 'unreasonable jealousy' as he might try to frame it but about him not wanting to burden you w/ worry and insecurity.

When you truly love and respect somebody, you go out of your way to not hurt them.

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 12:34:40

'You don't have "trust issues", OP, you have a husband who is behaing like a shit and expecting you to put up with it.'

3 cheers for Auntie Stella, for nailing it!! Follow your wise inner voice OP, it is telling you you are unhappy for a REASON. Your H is on the Shirley Glass slippery slope, and a timely intervention could shock him. Tonight? You need to ask for his phone. Do you have Ya Ya's mobile phone no? Key it in because sadly it might be under Mike Brown in the contacts.

Trust issues. Sheesh, sadly you can really tell the posters who have never been taken for granted/betrayed, from the counsellors/people who have and can spot it in nanoseconds.

elastamum Fri 06-Sep-13 12:24:41

I think you are right to be worried.

My exH had a 'friend' like this one. They used to work together and travelled together a lot. I didnt like her as she was all over him and usually blanked me. He always told me I was being silly and there was nothing in it. A year after we divorced he married her hmm (they are now divorced though)

MarshaBrady Fri 06-Sep-13 12:19:07

Nope I would not like this either.

I don't blame you op.

Pipparivers Fri 06-Sep-13 12:15:03

Your H sounds like a dick but im not sure the woman is a problem. One of my best friends is a man, when I was married there was no problem. Within weeks of my marriage breakdown my friends wife started to obviously feel uncomfortable with him and I spending anytime together. I feel deeply hurt that someone thinks that because I am divorced that I am going to become a home wrecking whore! We no longer have a meaningful friendship because he obviously and rightly needs to protect his family. And that means not seeing me because it makes his wife feel insecure. I no longer have my exh or my best friend and it hurts. Cut her some slack.

lunar1 Fri 06-Sep-13 12:03:56

I wouldn't be happy about this, why does he need to be out every night leaving you alone with the children? The relationship crosses a line really and is too intimate.

AuntieStella Fri 06-Sep-13 12:01:26

"D"H is meeting a woman he knows from work in secret, in circumstances that look like a date, and admits they spend the time talking about her emotional life?

You don't have "trust issues", OP, you have a husband who is behaing like a shit and expecting you to put up with it.

garlicbargain Fri 06-Sep-13 11:55:49

Good advice, wobbly, imo.

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 11:55:07

Agree with AF, could people please rtft.

This is not good:

"She is a business partner and friend.
My insecurities stem from when they had to stay in a hotel, when my little one was 8 weeks old. I know nothing happened but I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to have a night away at a hotel too.
This hotel stay was a business thing.
My husband has meeting most evenings so we don't talk like we used to before we had our 2 kids.
I didn't ask about their meeting last week, because we've had massive arguments about her and trust issues before.
She is currently trying to divorce her husband but still lives with him.
I know she likes to discuss her marriage problems with my husband.
She's pretty flirtatious but my husband says not with."

Your husband is lying about the flirtatious.

You need to Have a Talk outlined in my suggestion above. Calm and deadly OP. He needs to be warned NOW. You could shock him out of the slippery slope.

And, YaYa if you are reading? Get ahold of yourself, woman. Divorce the twat, work out why it went wrong and find someone who is NOT MARRIED for the attention you crave.

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 11:46:00

This sort of thing absolutely used to get me too, Orange.

So you have my sympathy!

I must say that unfortunately for me it was indicative of a wider attitude.

IIWY I would give him a calm, clear and deadly warning that you will not tolerate cheating or any other sign being taken for granted as a domestic entity and could he bear this in mind, because if he shows you continued disrespect he can gaze in YaYa's eyes for the rest of his life.

PLEASE book 10 day's holiday of his leave, and he can be a SAHM whilst you fuck off on your own.

I have really really had it burned into me that all the time we go along with/tolerate being taken for granted, we are in fact agreeing with it and setting ourselves up.

Please believe me on this one!

OctopusPete8 Fri 06-Sep-13 11:25:21

So she's single again, & likes to discuss her marriage with your H, spent a night in a hotel together, Is flirty?

No I wouldn't like it. How is she with you?

garlicbargain Fri 06-Sep-13 11:19:00

Charity, you're wrong about this dinner, but you'd missed my point anyway. When somebody's going out to lovely restaurants, theatres, whatever, the fact that it's all on expenses doesn't stop it being a social life. That's the whole purpose of business entertainment - to have a good time and forge close relationships.

It's a bit tough when one partner has this and the other's at home.

Blu Fri 06-Sep-13 09:46:58

OP, he may or may not be in an affair, or it may be that that is what she has in mind and he thinks he is simply being a friend and is crassly oblivious as to why you have issues around it. However, he is definitely not pulling his supportive weight as a family member I have friends who work in a largely male city environment and they tell me they routinely 'have to' stay late until the humdrum work of bedtime with kids is over and they can roll in to a glass of wine. If he is usually out in the evenings he could have taken the chance to do some parenting.

It sounds as if you could do with weta calm assertive discussion about your relationship as a whole, teamwork, him understanding the sheer lonely quantity that parenting can be, and a discussion about his behaviour and trust wrt to this woman .

AbiRoad Fri 06-Sep-13 09:01:58

If it makes you feel better, I think yaya may be a pet version of grandmother in Spanish.

MairzyDoats Fri 06-Sep-13 08:58:35

The thing that struck me is that you're stuck at home every night without support while he has business meetings - but on an evening when he could be at home with you, he's meeting a female friend socially. In which case, why make it something flashy, and why not invite you along?

HerdyHerdwick Fri 06-Sep-13 08:58:29

OP, what does 'she is trying to divorce' mean exactly. As in what is she saying to your DH, or rather what is he saying to you about it?

EeyoreIsh Fri 06-Sep-13 08:52:04

I would be really unhappy about this.

First, he lied about having a business meeting when he was in fact at a social event. If DH went out for dinner whilst I was at home, without having invited me, I would be livid.

Secondly, it was a dinner at a nice restaurant that means something to you as a couple, without telling you. The real issue for me here would be that he didn't tell you where he was. He is lying by omission.

The fact that the ow is getting divorced, and they have nicknames for each other, could either be innocuous or indicative of an inappropriate relationship.

ivykaty44 Fri 06-Sep-13 08:44:32


I would be very angry at this type of behaviour

Whocansay Fri 06-Sep-13 08:41:32

This sounds like it could be an emotional affair to me. They have no reason to keep in touch.

I would be very hurt if my dh took another woman for dinner at a fancy restaurant (although this may be a bigger deal for me as when we go out it tends to be cheap and cheerful, the cost may not be an issue here). The fact that you went there for your anniversary suggests its a bit special. A 'catch up' is usually lunch. I would feel happier if they went Dutch or it was paid for on expenses though.

I wouldn't be happy about them sharing a hotel room either, tbh. The nicknames thing is just wrong.

You need to have a chat with him about why he kept this a secret. And ask him why he feels you do not need support during the week.

ageofgrandillusion Fri 06-Sep-13 08:36:49

He sounds like a knob. YaYa? Fucking YaYa???? You can just bet he thinks he's really clever for coming up with that name. If he's not shagging her yet, he soon will be. Him and fucking yaya are having a right old laugh while your're sat at home. What does this woman look like OP? Is she pretty?

nocarsgo Fri 06-Sep-13 08:36:47

I agree it wasn't a work dinner. And, crucially, the OP's husband didn't tell her about it. That speaks volumes.

As for the pet names...

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 06-Sep-13 08:33:44

It sounds to me like a bit of a showy-offy ego stroke for him. Fancy 'special' restaurant he took DW to for anniversary, nicknames, silly comments about quality rather than quantity family time. All of this is about showing off to this other woman.

The thing is that it isnt many steps from an ego stroke to something rather more. Of course he will think that he is immune, that he is too clever for that. He isnt. It is all too easy to go from ego stroke to affair to sad bloke in a bed sit taking his kids to MacDonalds on a Sunday.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now