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Have I over reacted? Is this something that others would accept and move on from?

(45 Posts)
gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 19:46:18

Dp had an EA with a friend of a friend of his earlier in the year. Told me he wasn't in love with me and was unhappy etc. I asked for specific examples and I believed we were working on these.

Fast forward to now, found out he had been in contact with numerous other local (unknown) women on a fuck.buddy site. Asked him to leave as I couldn't trust him and he said he liked the attention and was still unhappy.

Found out today that the female friend of his and ow has told him that it was ok as he didn't physically do anything and if her dp had done it she would want to ask him why and work through it. She also went on to say that IHO I hadn't been paying him enough attention.

So, have I over reacted by asking him to give me some space? I thought we were doing ok and things had improved since the first time. I obviously wanted it to work the first time and I really thought he was being honest with me about his feelings which is something he struggles with.

We are going to see a counsellor which from what I can tell he hasn't told her this as when she mentioned it to him he said he couldn't see me agreeing to it.

Admittedly we didn't have sex very often (18 month bf ds) but we rarely went to bed at the same time as he liked to stay up later. On the occasions I instigated it he turned me down and the last time he was unable to keep his erection.

Right now I feel awful because I think people see this as all my fault and that it was inevitable for a man in his position and that I should be grateful that he didn't have a physical relationship with anyone.

Cabrinha Fri 06-Sep-13 11:28:40

Fuck what others say.
But... If you need a line to use to them, or to yourself, or to him if there's any blaming, try this:
"I wanted to try to work it out, but he joined a website set up to arrange no strings attached sex between strangers - I can't accept that".
ANYTHING that gets said in reaction to that isn't going to cut it.
His behaviour is indefensible.

captainmummy Fri 06-Sep-13 11:03:26

A letter is a good idea, lottie. You can take your time writing it all down and getting your facts straight in your head - and he can't derail your train of thought as he would if you were speaking. He can dispute and put his own version of events to you, but I really think you and he are dead in the water.
He doesn't know what he wants but he know it's not THIS! Let him go off and find 'it'.

gingerbreadshoes Fri 06-Sep-13 08:29:14

I hadn't thought of a letter I think that might be a good idea thanks.

Everything that I have told my friends and family (and on here) has been factual because I don't see the point in lying and then people discovering the truth later on. If he wants to play the sympathy card that is fine by me as hopefully his lies will catch up with him.

gingerbreadshoes Fri 06-Sep-13 08:26:15

No you are right, it doesn't matter what they think or believe. If they genuinely cared about me they would have asked me how I am. Instead there has been silence.

I have said that he needs to appreciate what he has and stop wasting his time and energy believing that there is something better.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 06-Sep-13 08:25:23

I'd suggest you write him a letter, setting out the problems in your relationship, how you've felt, what you've done to improve things and itemise the changes he'd need to make for you to be willing to try again (though I think he's already gone past that by not being worthy of trust).

That gives you a record of what happened and your position at this time. Useful if you're wavering later. You don't necessarily have to give him the letter but, if you do, he has a record of things he knows are true - though beware he'll probably dispute and twist facts and responses. You could keep his version very simple and factual.

captainmummy Fri 06-Sep-13 08:24:03

You will never make him happy. Fact.

No-one will.

Happydays12345 Fri 06-Sep-13 08:10:05

It's not about whether you make him happy or not. He's just using that as an excuse so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions.

Who cares if he plays the hard done by card. You know the truth and that's all that matters. My ex told people frankly laughable reasons for our split and his family wont talk to me but it didn't really matter in the end.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 06-Sep-13 08:08:45

He thinks there's something better but doesn't know what - fgs, adults recognise that life is what you make it, it isn't presented on a plate. That sort of negative dreamer is just an emotional drain, nothing will ever be good enough, because, in the end, it is only things he achieves himself that will give satisfaction and he lacks the motivation to try. He will live out his life and die miserable.

Stop caring about what other people think, especially people who are not your friends. The lines 'you only know what he's told you' and 'he would say that wouldn't he?' may be useful.

It is really galling knowing that others think wrongly of you but you have to distance yourself and recognise you cannot control what other people say or think, only what you do. If they wanted to understand your experience and feelings, they'd ask you - and you wouldn't have to tell them if you felt heir motivation was not kindness.

gingerbreadshoes Fri 06-Sep-13 07:40:13

But it all comes back to him not having to take responsibility for what he has done. He listens to his friends and family and if they are justifying his behaviour to him he believes this and it then turns on me and how I must be to blame for it all. He will then play the hard done by victim who has been forced to live away from his ds by me - the one who is over reacting.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 07:34:39

Who cares what his friends and family say ?

They are not the ones who have to live with a disrespectful cheat who makes you feel like shit. This is your life, not theirs. Stop asking for/listening to their opinion. People in general like to keep the status quo for others as it often makes them feel better about their own crappy choices.

gingerbreadshoes Fri 06-Sep-13 07:29:40

Happydays that is good to hear as at the moment all I can see is the difficult times ahead i.e money worries and loneliness.

I honestly don't know how I could've paid him more attention. He has hobbies which he does 2-3 times a week outside of ft work and I work pt. I do think bf ds hasn't helped with the sex issue as I just haven't had any interest in it.

I don't think I want to be with him anymore but his family and friends appear to be telling him that they hope we can work through it which makes it seem as though they see the whole chatting thing as being insignificant whereas I don't.

Surely, and this is what I find hard to understand, if after the first time he was still unhappy then he should've just spoken to me again to at least give me a chance. He has admitted that by not speaking to me that he has taken the easy way out but has hurt me in the way.

I asked him what he would do if it was the other way round, he said he would want to find out why I had done it, which is exactly what his friend said she would do.

I don't think he realises that this is what I bloody well tried to do the first time by talking to him. It is as though in their eyes I have made no effort to understand and have just made him leave his home and ds over nothing.

Happydays12345 Fri 06-Sep-13 06:54:53

My ex had countless EA's and signed up for dating sites. He always turned it into my fault for not paying him enough attention. I dumped him for something else in the end and it was the best thing I ever did. It was so hard for about 6 months but then it got easier. I've now got the most wonderful new boyfriend who treats me so well and I'm happier than I thought possible.

Shellywelly1973 Thu 05-Sep-13 23:52:04

As Anyfucker said...!

AnyFucker Thu 05-Sep-13 23:44:16

You are under reacting

And wasting your precious time.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 05-Sep-13 23:41:28

He doesn't know what it is, but he expects to find it on no-strings dating sites, eh? hmm

Never heard the clap referred to as "something better" before, but if that's what floats his boat he sure is going the right way about getting it.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 22:05:22

Life is too short I agree, but I do wish I could see what the future holds for me and ds.

That statement fron him actually makes me angry because there is no way I could know what it would take to make him happy as even he doesn't know.

I am pretty much certain that it is over between us but I want to go to see the counsellor before I tell him once and for all.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 05-Sep-13 21:54:02

"He is unhappy with his life in general and believes that there is something better out there for him but he doesn't know what it is."

Oh for god's sake. Life is too short to spend it with this kind of loser.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Thu 05-Sep-13 21:47:10

I agree with Squitten that the best way to wake him up is to tell him you've had enough. Either he will come to his sense and make an effort (have to say it seems unlikely but being 'understanding' will not do it) or he will get a rude awakening and you get to start making your life better without him in it.

You may not have a family with him in it, but you'll have your DS and there may be another family arrangement in the future for you. Don't think you have to settle for this.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:55:05

captainmummy you have hit the nail on the head, that is exactly what he is like.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:53:44

I have said that so far this year he has gone from one ow, who knew all sorts of things about me that he would never tell me, to actively signing up to a site and looking for women to chat to, the next thing is up with one as they have been chatting for at least three months! I cannot see a way forward for us because I will never be able to regain my trust in him.

If he could do this whilst I thought it was ok and quite possibly sitting next to him then what else could he be capable of?

Looking back he never did make anymore of an effort with our relationship. It only took him three months before he started the next round of EA's so as you say it was very one sided.

I only ever wanted to have a family and now I don't have that anymore.

Cabrinha Thu 05-Sep-13 20:45:27

Only signed up to chat? Bollocks.
I'm not having a go at you, I'm really not. I had years of this "only looking" bollocks before I kicked my useless scum ex into touch. (stayed because I thought you should work at relationships, then because we had a child - conceived when I stupidly - well, harsh - naïvely, hopefully - thought it was sorted).
Even if he has only chatted so far, he WILL do more.
He can cross the line of an EA, of sex talk on fuckbuddy... How well do you really think he'll stay the right side of the line after some sex talk online that ends with a woman saying "let's meet then - I only want sex and I'll never tell your wife". You already know you can't trust him.

Let him go.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

captainmummy Thu 05-Sep-13 20:44:24

He sounds very immature - he doesn't like his life at the mo but doesn't know what else he wants. Apart from lots of women fawning over him and him playing the big I AM.

He is the one who will lose out on his ds; in the future when the women are older and wiser and he is alone in a bedsit... even then people like this think the world owes them everything.

sassy34264 Thu 05-Sep-13 20:43:50

my perspective.

the past and the present:

i dont know if i love you
i think there may be better out there
im not interested in sex with you
im not happy
im not willing to try the things you suggest

bending over backwards to try and make it work


she doesnt do this or that
i feel this and that

bending over backwards to try and make it work

im still not happy.

the best solution all round, whether you want to keep him or not, is to tell him to sling his hook. it may make him wake up or it may make you wake up and realise you are happier without him.

everyone cherishes the thing that was hard won over a thing they were given for free. make him work hard to get you. if he doesnt- well you'll know he wasnt worth it

Cabrinha Thu 05-Sep-13 20:39:12

So easy to throw in LTB.
I'm not saying this to be hurtful - but both a friend and I have been through being turned down for sex and husbands not maintaining erections. Turns out both were doing a lot more than just looking on places like fuckbuddy.
What you find, is usually not the whole story.
The ONLY way to make a relationship work after an issue like an EA is for both parties to be commited to trying.
Joining fuckbuddy is not showing commitment.
Honestly, cut your losses.
Don't bother about being different, silent, unnerving him. Just end it.
I'm glad I did - I also have a child so I know that makes it harder.
You are worth so much more than this.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:35:27

Squitten that's why I have asked him to leave this time as before nothing much changed for him as I just shouted at him and that was that. This time he has had to leave ds behind, which isn't fair on ds but I haven't stopped him visiting at all.

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