My ex keeps coming on to me- Should I tell new dp?

[oreoaddict]

Ok, so quick back story.....

I was with my ex (dd's dad) for nearly 10 years. Over a year a go, I was struggling with my sexuality, realised I was bi sexual and I met a woman who I fell in love with. Me and my ex broke up before we got physical, as I'm not the type to cheat. We would have broken up anyway, as we're just not right for one another and actually, looking back, he was very aggressive, moody and some might say, an emotional abuser. Actually, towards the end, it was physical a couple of times. He didn't hit me, but he man handled me a lot and at one point, had me up against the wall. So basically, not the nicest guy in the world.

I've been with my gf for nearly a year and we're very much in love, committed and very serious about one another. My ex knows this. Obviously I have to keep things amicable for the sake of dd, who is 6. We live close and so he sees her a lot. 3 or 4 times a week actually, but usually just for an hour or so after he's finished work. He's in a new relationship, but I know he's only using her. I am glad he's found somebody because he was desperately unhappy in the beginning when we first broke up. However, like I said, he's just using her and I can't see it lasting.

I know he wants me back and in the beginning, he used to try and kiss me and would cuddle me, just that little bit too long. Made me feel very uncomfortable and even though I hadn't done anything wrong, I almost felt guilty. Does that make sense?...

Anyway, that kind of stopped for a few months, but recently, whenever my gf isn't here, he'll come on to me and I've been getting really angry with him. Today was the worst. I was looking under the stairs for dd's book bag for school and he just pinched my ass! I told him to stop doing that and he laughed and told me that I love it really and he just can't help himself. He even kept doing it after that! He always says really inappropriate things to me about missing cock etc and like I said before, it makes me feel guilty. Like I'm hiding something, which I am. I told her once, when he tried to kiss me, but that was because I was so upset about it and I really couldn't keep it to myself, but the other times have been less obvious, but it's pretty constant now. I've told him to stop it, but he just seems to find it funny.

My dd actually heard me tell him to get off me today and I have a feeling she'll be saying something to gf as they're very close now.

So, should I tell her? I don't want to upset her 'unnecessarily'. I would never cheat on her. I couldn't, but I know how I'd feel if it were the other way around. So if I know I'm never going to do anything, is it worth hurting her? It just feels so wrong keeping it from her, like it's a secret between me and him and I think that's what he's trying to do.

Advice really appreciated.

Thanks

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

Frankly I'd tell him if he ever pinches my backside again I'll call the police and have him charged with sexual assault, and I'd do it too.

[oreoaddict]

Betrayed really? I really don't want it to go that far, but he's really just taking the piss now. He's going way too far and it's messing with my head.

[oneofus6666]

if she hears it frm someone else she might think you have something to hide

[joblot]

What's stopping you from telling her?

[lilithtime]

Definitely tell her, he is sexually harassing you. Cut contact to handovers and don't let him in the house. Tell him what Betrayed said, seriously!

[oreoaddict]

job I think I just keep thinking that it's ok, I can handle it. I'll get him to stop etc, but he just doesn't. I'm just so scared that she'll be hurt and then will worry when she's not around. She works away in the week and I don't want her mind to start wandering.

God he can be such a bastard! He's tormenting me and we're not even a couple anymore!

[pregnantpause]

Tell your dp what he's doing, and tell him that he cannot sexually assault you

[oreoaddict]

pause, I honestly hadn't really thought of it like that. I was just so angry and annoyed. He always used to do things like that when we were together and I hated it even then. It's the laughing afterwards which gets to me the most. I think he genuinely thinks that I'm secretly desiring him. He fancies himself quite a lot and I don't think he believes that I could possibly be satisfied with a woman. It's ridiculous!

[Cabrinha]

I know you don't want to upset your partner, but if I were her I'd be more upset that you didn't trust me. He is assaulting you - that is a big thing to hide!
And hiding easily breeds mistrust.
I'm a bit concerned that you also don't want to tell her, in case her mind wanders when she's away. Really? You think she'll be jealous because some sleazy ex assaulted you? You need to talk to her.

[oreoaddict]

Cabrin oh no! I don't mean that. I worry that she'll think that maybe I'm giving off signals or something and that maybe secretly I want him or something. She does trust me though and writing it down, it sounds stupid, but I suppose that's what I was worried that she might be thinking if I'm being 100% honest.

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

Seriously, that is sexual assault and there's no way I'd let him get away with it. I'd give him one warning, then call the police. He'll get the message and it will make it clear to your partner that you are not interested.

[kalidanger]

Do you have to see him so much? Can he have contact at his place and you do handovers at the door? I don't suppose that sounds like a great idea as it appears so amicable since you split but actually it's not amicable at all, is it? He's being a pig and crossing a lot of lines of normal behaviour.

Tell your partner and change the arrangements.

[VelvetSpoon]

Why have you not set proper boundaries with your ex? After the first time he tried to kiss you, you should have stopped him coming into your house, and if necessary asked a third party (friend/ relative) to be there at handover time. I can't understand why you would want someone who would attempt to assault you anywhere near, let alone in your home.

You need to arrange a strategy to keep any contact with him to a minimum. You don't need to speak to him, or see him. He's shown he has no respect for you or your current relationship. Ensure he sees your dd at his own home, and keep communication to text/email.

[fortyplus]

I would write to him - recorded delivery - spelling out that his behaviour is unwelcome and that any repetition will be reported to the Police as sexual assault.

[joblot]

He's clearly made you doubt yourself and be scared of him. Maybe now is the time to stop the intimidation andaassaults and stand up to him. Talk to your p, maybe arrange counselling or speak with womens aid. He is an arsewipe and needs firmly kicking into touch. Good luck with it. Look forward to reading your updates, I'm sure you can get rid of the tosser and reclaim your self esteem and confidence

[bestsonever]

You don't invite him into your house or put yourself in any situation where you are alone with him, simple. Then you tell your DP why you needed to do that. This response to it will reassure her and others that it really is not on and unwanted.

[oreoaddict]

I'm having trouble coming to terms with this if I'm being honest. I feel a bit shocked, cos the more I think about it, the more I realise just how terrible it is. I'm just so used to him being a cock, that when I didn't have to deal with him on a daily basis, I was just bloody relieved. I know that probably sounds utterly insane.

[GingerBlondecat]

Your Ex beleives that NO means Yes, so badly, whom else is he going to Hurt?

[oreoaddict]

ffs I got a text message in the middle of the night from him telling me that he can't stop thinking about me and then some stuff that I don't really want to repeat. I was honestly tempted to forward it to gf, with a warning message beforehand.

I haven't replied yet, but he's supposed to be seeing dd later. I had loads of work I needed to do here, but I'm going to go out now.

He's trying to create this dark secret between us and it makes me so upset.

Like I said before, it's not like she's completely oblivious to his previous advances and she knows how he feels about me. If I tell her all the recent stuff, I'm worried that she'll confront him and then all his resentment for her will come out and I don't want her to have to see that side of him. He can have an acid tongue.

I'm such an idiot aren't I! Can't believe I thought I had this under control.

[oreoaddict]

God the more I read that message back, the angrier I'm getting. How dare he do this to me?!

[LemonDrizzled]

How about ringing the police DV officer on 101 for a friendly chat about harassment from your ex? you could show them the text and see what they advise? SGB would be advising a blunt warning to him that any further contact other than arrangements for your DD will result in a writ for sexual harassment/stalking
And I don't quite see why you need to tell your DP apart from wanting some comfort through a shitty time. You are able to deal with this yourself using the police and a solicitor if need be. Are you wanting her to be angry with him on your behalf?

[WeAreEternal]

I would sit her down and just say that you have not mentioned something because you were trying to convince yourself that is was not a problem, but you have realised that you have been in denial and actually it is a problem.
Tell he about his behaviour and how he has now escalated and now you know that it is not a non issue and you have to acknowledge that you have a problem with his behaviour and stop ignoring it and pretending its not a issue. Sw

As long as you stuck to the truth and make it clear that you have been hiding it from yourself rather than hiding it from her I don't see how she could be upset with you.

And as for your ex, I think I sharp kick to the balls next time he behaves inappropriately would make your position quite clear.

I would maybe also try to limit to amount of contact that you have with him, could you get a friend to come and be there when he is visiting DD?

[VeganCow]

Dont allow him in the house again, get him to pick up and drop off dd at the door - make handover quick, that should sort it?

[oreoaddict]

lemon no, not atall. I genuinely don't want to tell her, but at the same time, as I mentioned before, I hate that this has turned into a secret between me and my ex. I wouldn't want her to keep it from me and we're usually very open and honest with one another. It just doesn't feel right.

WeAre, I will try to limit contact, but it will be difficult. I have made my position very clear, but evidently, not clear enough. When he pinched my bum yesterday, I kind of slapped it away and I shouted at him, but dd obviously heard this and shouted at him "leave mummy alone" To which he replied "oh mummy's just being silly" which obviously enraged me, but he knows that I don't want to argue in front of her, because we did a lot of that towards the end of our relationship and I don't want to harm her any more. She's been so much happier since we broke up. The last time he did it was on his way out. I was making dd's dinner and I didn't have my hands free, he pinched my bum again, but this time, it was much more intimate....I'm sure you know what I mean. Dd was still reasonably close and I really didn't want to shout, so I just told him to leave and then I followed him out so dd couldn't hear me. I asked him what he thought he was playing at, but he just walked off laughing, saying that he'd see me tomorrow.

[Dahlen]

You need to deal with this hard; it's the only behaviour your X will understand.

In your shoes, the first thing I would do is tell your DP. She needs to know. You're not protecting her by keeping her in the dark, you're excluding her. Why all this talk about not wanting to expose her to that side of him? Either she is an adult who is your equal partner or she is a vulnerable child. Are you sure it's not really about you being embarrassed to admit that you put up with such a fuckwit? If so, don't be because his behaviour is a reflection on him, not you.

When you're in a loving committed relationship you share the difficulties as well as the triumphs. Any attempt at shielding simply ends up building a wall between you. You know this already - it's exactly what you're referring to when you talk about this 'dark secret' your X is trying to create. So don't let him; full disclosure all the way.

You may even find it helpful to have another person's POV on how to deal with all this. If it was me, I'd save police involvement for further down the line but I would send a witnessed and recorded delivery letter (you don't need to use a solicitor for this if money is an issue) stating it in clear, uncertain terms that you expect his sexual assaults (and yes, use that phrase in conjunction with describing certain acts he does) to STOP immediately. Failure to respect your wishes will result in you reporting him to the police and may result in a referral to social services as forcing your child to witness sexual assaults on her mother is a form of child abuse. Hit him hard with it.

He will not like it and you may well receive a torrent of abuse, but if he does that you have more ammunition to use against him if he persists, but the chances are that he won't once he's vented his spleen.

Good luck.