DP addicted to internet.. anyone else cracked this?

[MrsRBrand]

I confronted him about it and he agrees with me, he worries how it affects his daughter and seemed to take it seriously. He hasn't been using the laptop much lately when I go round since our chat.
Last night in bed he started playing with a piano app on his iphone in bed!! To me this is the same as getting lost in internet land.
His whole house is a tip he has no time to eat, sleep, do anything and Im gutted that it means we may not have a future together as I thought he was the one I wanted children with.
Has anyone else experienced this? (it really is chronic)

[KissMeHardy]

Been there, done that..........ran very fast in the opposite direction.

[MrsRBrand]

Really Kissmehardy? was is hard or did you spot it early on?
Im fully loved up been with him adore his child it doesnt feel so simple.

[Squitten]

Well how do you think he's going to be when you have children with him? He already has a child and he hasn't improved any! Do you want to raise your children in a pigsty while he ignores you all?

It's all right there in front of your eyes OP!

[dreamingbohemian]

It's a cliche but: love really isn't enough.

There's a big difference between someone who goes online a bit too much, and someone whose house is filthy and doesn't eat or sleep.

Why would you want to have kids with someone who already is an admittedly poor parent?

How long have you been with him? If you want to put the effort into persuading and helping him to change, well, you can, but you really need to be realistic.

[HerdyHerdwick]

Does he want to change this? Does he want to drastically reduce his online time? If he does, there's some hope here but he would need to set himself firm usage boundaries.
If he doesn't, I agree with other replies - leave now because this will cause big problems down the line.

[MsBuzz]

I think you have to like the person you are with and not want to change them - I would hate it if my partner didn't like me for who I am (and I have plenty of warts) and wanted to change me, well I wouldn't be with him....
Work out if you can live with his addiction because if it wasn't the internet would it be something else that he was addicted to?

[StHelenInPerson]

Sorry to say cut your losses if he isn't actively trying to sort out his habit of playing on p.c or phones etc,even then only so many chances you can give before you quit.

I have been there and it literally takes over their life,there's always something to learn/do on the Internet that's more important than real day to day life and you/ us just float around in the background and don't dare interrupt.

That wasn't why I ltb but it was a big problem for years.

[MrsRBrand]

Thank you for your replies.
I am myself a recovering compulsive overeater and attend a 12 step programme on a weekly basis to help me live my life to the fullest and not getdragged into my own various compulsive tendancies.
Because of my own journey (which has been a success so far), I am all too aware of the dangerous affect any kind of addition has upon a relationship.
I spoke to him about it a few days ago and he told me that he had thought deeply about it and is going to make some rules for himself to address the issue.
I told him that I refuse to live with anybody who is practising an addiction and things (for the past few days), have improved.
He has come up to bed with me every night, made love, washed up after meals.
Occupied his time with sorting out his house and not gone on his laptop, even once, in my company.
He even told me this morning that he thinks his posture is already improving.
What I have learned about addiction from my own path is your own will power only takes you so far eg. when I was suffering with the disease of compulsive overeating, regardless of whether I was restricting my food intake or binging- the matter still stood that I was constantly thinking about food. This is what I worry about with him that he is white knuckling to some extent and doesn't have the humility to ask for help outside him self.
I really believe that counting on your own will power alone doesn't work and eventually leads to relapse so I hope that loosing me isn't the rock bottom he needs to get some kind of help, either from a therapist/councillor or from a 12 step programme.

I certainly don't want to have children with a dysfunctional person, (I had enough of that nonsense in my own childhood)

Thanks for your replies, it's helpful to hear other people's experience.

[UnexpectedStepmum]

My DH got a bit like this - not to he extent of not eating or leaving the house dirty, but every free moment reading the news, sports or playing scrabble. I spoke to him about it and our 3 year old DD complained too, he ended up deciding for himself that he had got a bit addicted. He changed his phone from a smart one to a basic calls and texts only model to stop. He still looks on mine and monopolises the I pad in the evenings, but his aware of the issue and tends to give himself a set time and then put it down. However he recognised it was an issue and wanted to address it. There's not much you can do until your DP gets to that pont, sadly.

[MrsRBrand]

Thanks, I'm gitted I always seem to attract men who don't function in a way that is sympathetic to a healthy happy family life.
It sucks because I thought I'd really met the one but it would get on my nerves after some years and I always seem to be better off on my own ratherthan lugging someone behind me :(

[YoniTime]

I'm sorry OP. It's really up to him alone to decide if he thinks his addiction is serious enough that he want to change and get help. I don't think you can "save" him from internet addiction, while you can be supportive he needs to work seriously on it himself and seek some sort of outside info/ help for his addictive behaviour if things are going to change.

[MrsRBrand]

Thank you again for your advice.

We have now had a full 7 days without him going on the net at all in my presence, it has been such a joy to potter round the house, him actually getting stuff like washing/fixing things done- just a different energy I don't want his undivided attention I just want us both to be well getting on with our lives alongside each other, rather than him disappearing into a black hole of internet every spare minute he has.

I am feeling hopeful I don't want to control how he goes about changing but whatever he's doing seems beneficial.
Saturday he was like a junkie going cold turkey and obviously the feelings which came up were painful he said he felt ill and went to be for a large part of the day.

That's the thing with addiction, it seems to mask and numb difficult feelings of boredom/anger etc and when you take that away ,you're not practised in dealing with these feelings.

Anyway Sunday was a lot better, time flew by and he did some washing/fixing we went for a meal, listened to music and he helped me revise for an exam.

[MrsRBrand]

bed*