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In Private Browsing.

(58 Posts)
Dobbiesmum Tue 03-Sep-13 11:09:29

I need you lot to help me decide if I should dig a little deeper on this or if I'm overthinking it.
Last night DH was in the office on his laptop. He shouted through to me asking if I knew someone who had sent him an FB friend request, I went through to have a look and we figured it out. No issue there. His FB login is his work email address. About 10 minutes later I made us a brew and took his through to him just as he was logging onto hotmail. In the top left corner of the window it said 'In Private Browsing is on'. He didn't realise that I had noticed and we chatted for a few minutes. During the chat he didn't type anything in on the keyboard at all.
The toddler woke up screaming, night terrors I think, a few minutes later so I ended up upstairs sorting her out for about half an hour, took her into our room and dozed off on the bed with her. I woke up at around 2ish this morning. He was still on the laptop but was shutting it down when I went downstairs. Apparently he was working. This isn't unusual, he often brings home work.
So this morning as I am an early riser I went onto his laptop before he got up. There are 3 sites on the history in the last 24 hours. FB isn't one of them, even though I saw him logged in last night. The sites are innocent ones, hotmail, news and a football forum.
Digging back a few weeks there is nothing out of the ordinary, but even that's weird. We do online banking but there is no history of the bank website, even though I know damn well he's been on (and there's nothing strange going on with the bank account either).
Would hotmail even show (just the login page) if he was using in private browsing?
Is there anyway to bypass the private browsing without installing spyware or similar? I am fairly techie in most things (more so than DH thinks) but having an iPad rather than a laptop for the last few years I know very little about this.
I should say that this wouldn't ring major bells for me so soon, but coupled with very out of character behaviour recently it's niggling. He's very very over affectionate at the moment, constantly stroking my hand or hair, telling me he loves me all the time, over cuddly in bed and suggesting nice underwear for me. Again, on it's own mildly irritating as we're not 'touchy' types but these things together are strange.
I'm starting to think I'm not overthinking at all...

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 04-Sep-13 08:13:51

Glad you have an explanation for the odd behaviour - as I have said earlier, the in private browsing itself is not a big deal as long as nothing else has changed.

Hope all goes well at the GP.

Boosterseat Wed 04-Sep-13 08:26:55

Sorry OP forgot to wish your DH the best of luck at his appointment, sending good vibes.

liquidstate Wed 04-Sep-13 08:35:08

Sparky I also use InPrivate for googling my celebrity crush blushgrin

I first started using it as I could not work out how to have two browsers open at a time so that could be an explanation. I can now open up a separate window so when I am using private browsing I don't bother doing banking and boring things on there.

SparkyTGD Wed 04-Sep-13 11:33:20

Hope he's ok

cronullansw Wed 04-Sep-13 11:53:27

Boosterseat - it was a joke, it was irony, hence the smile

I'm entirely with the op and entirely against the lot who swore it must be porn, or an affair - you know, the ones who didn't apologise for their horrible and unfounded allegations and don't have a sense of humour.

ayahushca Wed 04-Sep-13 13:43:32

I'm glad it has worked out and all is well, but I got to say I'm horrified by the general acceptance by posters that your snooping and monitoring of a loved ones private material is alright. I would be hurt incredibly deeply if I ever found my dp looking at stuff that I have clearly indicated I wish to keep private, and going through my private browser history would be as devastating as finding them reading my diary.

To me there is no greater red flag than someone who think that being in a relationship means you forfeit your right to privacy. I've been with people who've insisted that their trust must be earned by emptying out my pockets and laying bare my life for their inspection whenever they ask. I felt infantilised, harassed, stifled and oppressed to such an extent that it simply couldn't work after that. And that's what you're doing, only if anything it's worse because you're going behind his back.

His being suddenly very physically affectionate may mean something bad is going on with him, or that something good is going on with him, or it might mean nothing at all. Finding out can only be achieved by talking to him about it. But it's a huge, unreasonable leap to use it to justify putting him in the "under suspicion" category with the suspension of his privacy rights that goes with it (in your book).

Instincts will not always be right, that's simply not true. Everyone's guided by their instincts to a large extent but they're completely fallible (especially on personal, emotional subjects), On some occasions they will be entirely wrong.

There are any number of innocent sites he might prefer to keep his visiting private, he might have a medical thing, he might want to discuss something life/relationship issues in private with someone, he might be researching a hobby/subject that he feels slightly embarrassed about and does not want to share with you at this point, it could be anything.
But he owes you no explanation for his private browsing if he doesn't want to give you one. His life is his business, just like yours is yours. You're there by invitation, you don't get to poke around where he doesn't want you going like you own the place. Sorry if this sounds unfriendly, and I wish I could express myself more gracefully, but I just find this attitude so so wrong.

To trust someone is to take a leap of faith in them. It unavoidably necessitates a loss of control, and leaving yourself vulnerable. But you're never forced to trust anyone, and merely wanting to trust someone but not quite being sure you do (as seems the case here) doesn't justify snooping. It's something you feel towards someone or you don't and can only be built through personal intimacy and impression over time. Proving it is impossible, and attempts to do so are massively destructive towards the chances of romance and happiness in a relationship.

Sorry for ranting at you, any anger I feel here is towards the way the world is trending generally and not directed at you personally at all, I know individual snooping is hardly crime of the century, what I find so chilling is how it's becoming the norm. Anyway, wish you all the best. smile

SawofftheOW Wed 04-Sep-13 15:39:20

Really hoping and praying that it is nothing serious. As for those who criticise those on this thread who have 'jumped to conclusions', I do apologise to you Dobbiesmum if my comments have caused you any hurt. That would never be my intention and they flowed only from the fact that as I and many, many others on this site know all too painfully well, initial suspicions about a change in behaviour are frequently followed by devastating news about your relationship. And you were right to trust your instincts as his behaviour HAD changed, but for reasons other than many of us initially suspected. Wishing you luck with your DH's trip to the doctor. x

Dobbiesmum Wed 04-Sep-13 20:53:41

Very quick ressurection of the thread and then I'll let it die
Doc's appt went fine, he's going for a scan when he gets an appointment through. Dr didn't seem overly urgent, agreed that it needs dealing with but mentioned a couple of things he thought it could be. The referral isn't going to be urgent (I used to be a GP receptionist and med secretary, I know how to use the lingo) so we can but hope and wait.
To those who apologised, you don't need to. I've been around long enough to know you get all answers from all sides here and that is exactly what I wanted.

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