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Narc XH and court

(98 Posts)
MotherOfDragon Mon 02-Sep-13 22:55:02

We have been fighting over custody of the children for well over a year. Cafcass are involved and contact is restricted to a supervised centre. We are due to go back to court and I need to write a full statement. Cafcass and I had a meeting and agree it is important to write all assault, mental sexual and physical (99% was mental) in the statement.

I just can't bring myself to do it. Very time I go to write it I feel Ill it's pathetic. I can't explain myself. Not elegibke for legal aid and can't afford a solicitor so having to write it myself. I don't know why I'm wiring this.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 23:00:42

It's not pathetic. You are having to think about it and be affected by it again.

Would it be easier to dictate it to someone else or to try and use voice recognition?

Otherwise try and treat is as a form of therapy/exorcism (not the right word sorry)

Good luck.

MotherOfDragon Mon 02-Sep-13 23:09:02

I have jotted down notes of how he made me feel. I am just finding it very hard to explain myself. hmm I can write it, but making it readable is another thing

Unlikelyamazonian Mon 02-Sep-13 23:11:54

Does he have a professional diagnosis as NPD?
I expect not as very unusual for them to get that far. But it would be very useful for you and your case for custody, if he did.

Agree with Xales - it's not pathetic at all to find it horrendous writing down his shit treatment, revisiting/recalling it etc.

But you HAVE to do this.

Can you begin by writing incidents/experiences down in any random order - as in bullet points.

Then flesh them out slowly?

Or hand the list of bullet points to Cafcass.

Do you have a deadline?

Also, is Cafcass aware that narcs will lie, convincingly, if it means they might get their way?

I feel for you. But you have to be steely strong.

MotherOfDragon Mon 02-Sep-13 23:14:52

He isn't no. That is my diagnosis. Would I be able to put my bullet points in here? Is that allowed?

Lweji Mon 02-Sep-13 23:26:29

Why not here?

If you write it here informally, it may make more sense to you once you move on to writing the official papers.

And some people might help phrase it too.

MotherOfDragon Mon 02-Sep-13 23:27:05

These are my points so far. I have lots more to add

Felt it was always me and my fault for not fitting in

I still struggle to define what was my fault an what was nt. I look back and logically know I had no influence in a situation but a voice in the back of my head is always there making me doubt myself

I am still working on being appropriately assertive. I had to confront someone at work recently and when it went smoothly I came away feeling confused. I was glad it was all ironed out but worried he would hold something and keep bringing it up and picking holes in me. When he didn't I found this hard to deal with. It was the first real disagreement since x and it took me a while to feel comfortable that it really was over.

I picked my battles. It was easy to not argue with the small stuff - like hiding food- because my mind was elsewhere. I agreed with things he said in public to people because if I didn't he would say I was disrespecting him as the man of the house.

as time went on I used to agree with everything he said because I wanted him to like me. He was excited by conspiracy theories so I would read things on the Internet and learn them because whilst I was telling him the story he would be listening to me.

He rarely wanted to sleep with me. if he did he wanted me to be wearig makeup. We slept in separate beds and i used to beg him to stay with me. i was so lonely. Days after the birth of DD2 he wanted to have sex. DD2 was in intensive care- she was a premature baby and very ill. I had just had a c section and double hernia operation.
I slept with him in the bathroom of the hospital. It was consensual - he told me he was the man of the house and I agreed. I wanted to make him happy.

When DD2 left hospital she was breast feeding one night. I was upstairs and he was in his shed. She suddenly stopped breathing. I shook her and hit her back but she was floppy. I ran downstairs and shouted for him. By this point she looked white and blue. He just looked at me and said - this is your fault. I ran across the road as I knew a neighbour was a nurse. She managed to get baby breathing again and she spat up mucus and rang for an ambulance, the paramedics said she was fine ad sometimes this happened after her condition. Once they left he said it was my fault. The bible says sins are generationally and she has inherited my demons

Unlikelyamazonian Mon 02-Sep-13 23:32:20

Sorry, but what's the bible got to do with this? Are you both very religious? Is he?

MotherOfDragon Mon 02-Sep-13 23:34:28

He is very very religious

MotherOfDragon Mon 02-Sep-13 23:35:46

The inherited sins line was something he said to me that night.

The hiding food thing was because he stockpiled food as he thinks we are living in the 'end times'

Lweji Mon 02-Sep-13 23:45:46

Does this sound pathetic?

He withheld affection and sex. As a result I was starved of affection, felt very lonely and used to beg him for sex.
On the other hand, he demanded sex at inappropriate times, such as when he made me have sex with him in the bathroom after a C section still in hospital.

To gain bits of affection and of interest in me, I felt I had to agree with him in everything and show to be interested in things I didn't. Otherwise, he'd just ignore me.

I felt I was losing my own identity and self esteem, because he considered himself to be superior to me and that could dominate him, because as he said "he was the man in the house".

He had little regard for our children's life. Once, he failed to help me save DD's life because, instead, he simply accused me of being responsible for it. It could have cost her life and I'll never forgive him for that.

Lweji Mon 02-Sep-13 23:47:37

"that could dominate me,"

Try to write a generic statement and then give examples to demonstrate your point.

MotherOfDragon Mon 02-Sep-13 23:48:04

When you put it like that. It sounds much more coherent then my ramble.

My head jut feels so full of all these stories And they said to get them all on paper, as many as I could remember. It's so difficult

Unlikelyamazonian Mon 02-Sep-13 23:52:45

How about 'He is very very religious and stockpiles food as he thinks the world is going to end. I strongly believe that he is delusional and needs psychiatric help' and follow that with what Lweji writes.

If he genuinely believes the end of the world is nigh and is religious to the point of borderline insanity then he will surely stand up and say what he believes to a judge.

So when/if it comes to court ensure you have a damn good family law solicitor who will question him closely on his beliefs.

he sounds nuts. But then NPDers are just that.

Can you move somewhere far away with your dc and simply stop engaging with him and his court bollocks? He'll lose interest once he has found a new victim.

Unlikelyamazonian Mon 02-Sep-13 23:53:34

I have to go to bed but will pick up this thread again tomorrow. x

Lweji Mon 02-Sep-13 23:54:33

If he was abusive, are you sure you're not eligible for legal aid?

Anyway, if you write all those stories, when you read them again, it will start to make a coherent picture.
You'll just need to group them by topics.

Say, mental abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse.

Even if you repeat some of the stories, you can show point by point how abusive he is.

You could for example, take a list of abusive behaviour, and show how he matched that criteria.

For example

I'm sure you'll have stories for many of those points.

meiisme Tue 03-Sep-13 00:01:12

When I had to write a statement like this, to organise my thoughts I used the Duluth Wheel of Power and Control and the list of different kinds of abuse (emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, and financial abuse) that professionals use to assess DV situations. I went through the explanations and wrote down all the small and big things he did to me and the children in that category. The more different kinds of abuse he has subjected you to, the more of a risk to the children he will be considered, so write down incidents in as many categories as possible but also describe how it made you feel and what you think he was trying to achieve.

I then wrote a chronological review of the big incidents.

Finally I wrote an introduction stating why I would never consent to unsupervised contact, with four bullet pointed reasons, referring to what I wrote in the rest of the statement.

My children's social worker also did an assessment that courts use to decide whether there should be contact or not, but I don't know what it's called. Maybe Cafcass already told you? Or somebody else here knows?

It's really hard and triggering, and I recommend having people around you to keep you stable while you are going through it. But it can also be cathartic to get it all out on paper from your point of view.

garlicbargain Tue 03-Sep-13 00:03:20

You've made a good start, MOD. Well done.

Your first two things are statements of PTSD - the ongoing damage that living in fear has caused to your everyday life. Because he insisted everything was always your fault, your mind has now developed a habit of seeking to take the blame, even when you know rationally that something was not your doing. By a similar token, you don't feel safe to express your opinions, believing that any disagreements will inevitably result in your opponent bearing grudges, attacking and undermining you. These responses have developed in direct consequence of living under XH's abuse. We'll come back to this.

Can you please elaborate on hiding food? Did he do this to keep you hungry, to make you think you were losing your mind, or some other reasons? Although you say you tried not to think about that, what really went through your mind? How did you know he was hiding food? Did you find items he'd hidden?

garlicbargain Tue 03-Sep-13 00:04:44

It's a very, very good idea to name each abusive behaviour, mei. We can help you with that, if you like, OP. I think it'll be very helpful for you to have a go at it, too.

garlicbargain Tue 03-Sep-13 00:05:20

xposted with lots smile

skyeskyeskye Tue 03-Sep-13 00:45:06

Well done for getting some points down. It must be distressing to relive it. If you can keep posting bits here then people can rewrite it for you.

Maybe anyone who has time to help could PM you and help you to compose a full statement.

CCTVmum Tue 03-Sep-13 00:52:29

Oh dear if it's their not Satan they are God!!! <ooohhhh deeeeaaaarrrrr>

Do not state he has NPD in statement to CAFFCASS unless you are a forensic Psychologist or Psychiatrist who can diagnose it.

So is it?

He does not fit in with society and then tries to say it is you that does not fit in with society? (projection).

Do not mention 'your thoughts in back of your head'...this just incase someone twists it too is she hearing voices?

No need to mention issue at work. I don't think they will want to know about that?

You need to defo mention you could not speak your mind in public...what were consequences if you did? Name them.

What conspiracy theories excited him? Was it about abuse or religion or something else?

The sex after the operation although you said yes it was out of fear ...I'm so sorry what a twist psycho using you as object to meet his need and no empathy towards your physical and mental state as baby in intensive care need to mention this with you had to consent as he would beat you down (control) until you did agree.
This withdrawal of sexual contact is a common form of abuse for control also.

Do you have any proof of this religious stuff he sprouts? Does he keep a diary etc? Or a blog?

Video and or photograph the stock piles of food for evidence explain this in report.

I was told the other day by police to screen shot the stuff on the blog my ex does. You need to do the same...collect evidence. If he is spouting on again about demons and your mobile recorder manages to pick it up then this is evidence you need to get a full psychiatric assessment on him.

You need 'physical' evidence! Photos/copies of his thoughts/videos /recordings say it all! Ask for a full psychiatric assessment.

Does he do anything else? Make you preform sexual role modelling? Or make you behave in a way that you did not before meeting him?

Excellent advice above. You can do have your babies to protect and you will NOT lay down and let this unstable and dangerous man take your children away!

meiisme I loved the abuse cycle you used as the main focus of your statement! You showed pure professionalism to be taken seriously! I take it court went well?

MotherOfDragon Tue 03-Sep-13 08:10:58

Thank you all so much for your replies, I will add more examples as I think of them. The wheel is a very good idea.

I do have some evidence- I have screenshots of religious scripture he sent me, emails, handwritten notes, etc.

I am very sorry if I am illegible. I am not very good with an iPad.

More examples-

When I was pregnant with DD2 DD1 was just a few months old(born a year apart) I had SPD and was in a lot of pain. DD1 had spent all night crying and I had just fallen asleep (it was about8am) when she woke up again. I asked XH to go downstairs and heat up some expressed milk. He kicked off and didn't want to go but by that time I had DD in bed with me. He walked downstairs and after about 10 minutes I called to ask where the milk was. He ignored me, I went downstairs myself with DD and he was just sitting watching TV and wouldn't talk to me, he them got up, walked into the kitchen and held the kettle in his hand and threatened to throw its contents over me and DD if I did not get off his case.

Mother's Day 2011 he said as a Mother's Day present he would get up with DD and I could have a lay in, he rarely went out. In fact in all the years we were together I would say less than five. However he chose the night before we went out to travel across the country and go on a night out. We went with him (he had form for cheating and I was scared not to) and slept on an air bed that night. The next morning he wanted me together up with DD. when I protested he stood up and kicked me. I was laying on the air bed at the time and was pregnant with DD2

MotherOfDragon Tue 03-Sep-13 09:02:54

He would watch a lot of pornography. He used to say it was because I was ugly and couldn't satisfy him. He also said if I was nicer to him he wouldn't watch it. But he did anyway.

When I had SPD I couldn't move and he had to help me in and out of the bath. One evening I was due to go out and he wanted to go to football training. We had agreed in advance I would be going as he went to football weekly. He helped me into the bath then left the house. I was stuck. I couldn't get up and if DD had cried there was nothing I could do about it, I had to sit there and wait until he came back.

When pregnant with DD2 I upset him, I don't know why, he pushed me and I landed on the floor and my stomach hit a corner,

When heavily pregnant with DD1 we had a disagreement whilst out, he left me in the town and disappeared. I got a cab home as it was raining and say outside the house for hours. He didn't come home so I climbed a wall at the back if the house so I could break in through the back door. I fell of the wall and hurt myself. He came home drunk, shouted at me then drove off. I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning I was bleeding, he said he was hungover and it was my fault I fell, I shouldn't have climbed the wall. I had to go to the hospital alone- I am sure that there are maternity notes that will attest to this.

When DD2 was born and in intensive care I was sitting by her bed and just being with her, he called me because he couldn't find his football boots. He started screaming at me, saying I was a bitch for not knowing where his boots were.

I was once in a charity shop with a friend and the children, he was there and he became angry - we still don't know why. He started picking at me then stormed off. The woman working in the shop asked if I was okay and offered me a cup of tea. She said it was not normal.

He pushed me down some stairs whilst I was hOlding DD2. I can't remember why.

He would be very cross if I did not have makeup on. Especially eyebrows. He said I looked like an Alien if I didn't.

He once said if he had met me and my sister at the same time he would have picked her because she is more attractive,

He once called me a cunt repetitively and pushed me every time he said it until I was outside. He then locked the door and I had to wait for him to let me back in.

MotherOfDragon Tue 03-Sep-13 09:21:21

He would continuously bring up my previous marriage. When I threatened to leave him he would say 'two kids and two failed marriages, who else will want you?'

He once was angry with me and grabbed me around the throat and threatened to spit in my face. I was up against a wall.

I was once ironing and he was next to me, he pushed the iron so the thin edge hit my arm, when I yelped he laughed.

If I wanted affection from him he would go limp and refuse to hug me, he once want for me and I stepped him away. For months and months after he said he was abused by me and he even phoned a men's domestic violence helpline- he told me all about it and how the man on the other end of the line said I was abusive and he must take control of the situation,

I had access to both bank accounts and would sort out the bills, he made me check the balance almost daily and if it was not to his liking or if I had not earned enough ( I am self employed) he would accuse me of being frivolous, I once booked a holiday and he agreed with the price. However transfers also had to be paid for and when they were there was an additional minor fee. He refused to talk to me because he said I hid it. This is the same holiday he assaulted the live in nanny and she left,

After we broke up he diverted my work email to his personal email so I couldn't earn any money, luckily I had to confirm this through my own account and I have proof of this.

When i was heavily pregnant with DD1 were in a bar with my Dsis and her DH and he lifted my skirt up in the middle of the bar. I was very upset but he just called me a name ( I think he said I was a slut)

He never wanted to sleep with me but I realised if I stopped asking him he would want me more. When pregnant I asked him daily as I knew he would leave me be. However when he realised my SPD caused paid he wanted sex more. I lactated from my first trimester and my breasts were very sensitive. He knew this and used to pinch and squeeze my breasts throughout sex.

When pregnant with DD2 I had a double hernia. This was because he did not want me to stop working and I wanted him to be proud of me. One day it became agony and he refused to take me to hospital, he said I was playing up to it and being pathetic. He also said if I went to hospital he would not look after DD1. I ended up going anyway and my friend drove me. This hernia lead to an operation and the early birth of DD2

If I had to leave the house he would ignore the DDs. He said it was not his job. Put them in their cribs so they could not climb out and go and sit in his shed.

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