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Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

(561 Posts)
Moochicken Mon 02-Sep-13 22:10:43

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

perfectstorm Mon 02-Sep-13 22:27:16

Think it depends, as has been said. If it's a groan or nightmare face, which as has been said may be involuntary, then I'd accept it. If he said stuff I didn't like it would depend on how and why it offended me - pet names might be a turnoff, misogynist dirty talk and he'd be on the sofa.

If he's doing something to your body with his you don't like then I would hit the freaking roof. That's a disgusting attitude to have during sex. The other person's body is not your property. You're a guest. And I would kick him out that second, each and every time, personally until he got the idea that his actions = end to sex.

Apart from anything else, the selfishness is staggering. It's like your pleasure is an irrelevance if it's a chosen action.

HerdyHerdwick Mon 02-Sep-13 22:27:43

Oh that's very out of order.

ShatnersBassoon Mon 02-Sep-13 22:28:13

That's an awful thing to do against your wishes. He should be deeply ashamed of his behaviour, not carrying on regardless.

CailinDana Mon 02-Sep-13 22:28:47

I've had it happen too op. Same guy raped me eventually (not anally just to be clear). Someone who ignores boundaries like this can't be trusted.

ageofgrandillusion Mon 02-Sep-13 22:28:56

LT filthy B.

perfectstorm Mon 02-Sep-13 22:29:48

Just refreshed. That's fucking appalling, I'm sorry but it's worse than I was imagining (I was assuming he grabbed your head and tried to thrust during a BJ or something - still bad, but could be semi-involuntary). You've said no and he violates your body knowing he's doing it without your consent? Does he know that's a crime?

Moochicken Mon 02-Sep-13 22:30:13

It's not something I would leave him over but I think I do need to lay down the law. I think part of the problem is that we don't have sex as often as we used to as we have 2 young children and I'm always knackered from getting up in the night with the baby. He has a much higher sex drive than me and we fall out over it quite a lot.

BitBewildered Mon 02-Sep-13 22:30:21

Yes, that's very bad because he is violating your body and you've told him not to, so he knows you don't consent.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:30:40

When he's asleep I'd shove a carrot up his arse

And then promise faithfully not to do it again

LoisPuddingLane Mon 02-Sep-13 22:30:41

I don't understand the (mainly) male obsession with bum holes. You've got a perfectly nice and functional hole up the front and what do they want? To stick things up what is technically a one way street.

ZeroTolerance Mon 02-Sep-13 22:30:54

I knew that's what it would be.

He is violating you. A finger in your bum is not so very different from a penis in your vagina - if he did the latter after you'd said no, it'd be rape.

MissMarplesBloomers Mon 02-Sep-13 22:31:23

Slap or knee him in the balls, and ask him when he asks why if having that done repeatedly is acceptable.

Repeat till he stops.

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 22:31:36

OP this is totally unacceptable and shows clearly your partner doesn't give a toss about you or your pleasure.

This is horrible but I promise it happened a few years ago - I had an ex (who co-incidentally I've just mentioned on another thread!) who constantly did this to me and ALWAYS went on about anal sex.

One night when we were DTD and he was drunk he forced his penis into my anus unexpectedly and I have never felt pain like it. I was bleeding well into the next day. Due to being utterly messed up and emotionally abused, I was all over the place the next day, believing I'd done something wrong, etc etc. I HATE the fact I could have avoided this if I'd dumped him sooner.
Please don't let him keep doing this to you.

MaryLovesDick Mon 02-Sep-13 22:32:11

I think that is a total abuse of your trust and your body and I would tell him to get to fuck.

Can you honestly say you still find him attractive sexually or emotionally after he has repeatedly done that? He knows you don't like it and still he continues. Eugh.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 02-Sep-13 22:33:41

Next time you are moving towards having sex, tell him beforehand that he absolutely must not do it this time and it is a major thing for you if he does. If he complains you've spoilt the mood or whatever, you can point out that his 'habit' does exactly that for you. And yes, as others have said, definitely stop immediately if it does happen and a halt to the sex life for the foreseeable future.

BitBewildered Mon 02-Sep-13 22:33:42

So his way of helping you to enjoy the sex you do have is to do something to you that he knows you hate? What a cock.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 02-Sep-13 22:33:44

Part of the problem is they see it on porn, where EVERY woman has a willing and open sphincter and apparently doesn't even need lube. It seems to give them the idea that all women want this. Some women do. But if you don't and you say you don't, he should bloody leave off.

givemeaboost Mon 02-Sep-13 22:35:19

oooh moo, I have an ex who did that. I disliked also but luckily he only tried it a few times.

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 22:35:30

Part of the problem is they see it on porn, where EVERY woman has a willing and open sphincter and apparently doesn't even need lube. It seems to give them the idea that all women want this
Absolutely this.

perfectstorm Mon 02-Sep-13 22:36:56

I think part of the problem is that we don't have sex as often as we used to

Bollocks. Sorry, but bollocks. That's you taking responsibility for his choice to sexually assault his wife.

You have said no. He is penetrating your body knowing that you have said no and knowing he is doing it without consent and against your expressed wishes. That's a criminal offence. It's a very big deal. Please don't try to make out it's your fault - if he raped you and then argued he had a high sex drive and you were tired and didn't want sex much, would you think that was a legitimate argument?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 02-Sep-13 22:37:12

Some people like that kind of thing but you don't, so he has to respect that.

Like I said previously whenever he does it grab his hand, stand up from the bed and go into the bathroom. Take a few minutes, come back in and refuse to continue.

He will get the message if you do this every time religiously.

He probably thinks you are saying no as a joke. Not that it makes it right, but he's not using his brain in any which way and analysing how you are responding. Make him do so by what I mentioned above.

Helltotheno Mon 02-Sep-13 22:37:36

Save yourself years of grief OP: dump him tomorrow.

Moochicken Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:01

I might just show him this thread and then he can see that I'm not overreacting.

The problem is that I want him to stop doing it but I don't want to make it into a huge problem. I love him and enjoy sex with him the rest of the time.

VenusRising Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:03

Do you know that that is sexual assault?
You could go to the police and have him arrested, and charged.

Do tell him that.

So sorry you are with this dick.

Give your local rape crisis centre a ring if you need to talk to someone who is there to listen just to you.

hugoagogo Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:06

eek no! I would shoot up the bed and ask him what the fuck he was doing?

Please don't be subtle with him.

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