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Urgh, I'm going to have to tell DP I don't want another baby :(

(29 Posts)
Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 11:35:25

I have 3 children, 2 from a previous relationship and 1 with DP. We've always said we wanted 2 together and had planned to think about another in a couple of years time.

DS3 is 10 months, so I know still early days but I have had Apnd since he was born, I hate day to day life, I love all the kids but the day to day drudgery is destroying me, all I do I cry. I can't take it much longer.
My anxiety levels have sky rocketed since labour which isn't helping and I cannot shift this depression.

I don't know what will make it better but I do know I don't ever want to feel like this again which I would be risking by having another, but DP is dead set on it so I'm risking the relationship by telling him I want to stop now at 3.

He knows about the depression but he just wants me to tell him what will make it better but I don't know.

I've not seen a GP, I've never fund them to be helpful with this sort of stuff and I don't want to spend forever on antidepressants.

I was going to name change but I can't be bothered, I'm tired, fed up and miserable.

MadBusLady Mon 02-Sep-13 17:58:55

You sound so miserable, Titsalina. What talking therapies have you had in the past if any? I share some of your cynicism with regards treatment for depression (esp medication), but I wonder if you're resisting seeking help this time partly because you see it as a potential route to getting better and therefore "able to have another child".

It isn't going to be like that (whatever your DP may think!) You getting better is a goal in itself, and then you can deal with the ttc decision. If he thinks it's a good idea to get you to the GP, maybe he needs to play a more active part in making that happen. Why doesn't he ring up and make an appointment for you, take the morning off and go in with you, or look after the DC so you can go unhampered? Those basic steps are so, so hard in the middle of depression. Or he could help you find some private talking therapy (assuming the NHS waiting list is a mile long which it usually is).

GettingStrong Mon 02-Sep-13 17:27:18

You say you do feel respected and he is supportive. But going back to your thread title, maybe you would still feel a bit better if you could take some of the pressure off to have another baby.

Having your husband make light hearted comments about a fourth when you are struggling with three cannot be helping you. So even if he does mean well with his comments, could not try asking him to stop? Or maybe agree to take the pressure off totally for say a year, and then see how you both feel then?

I have been in the position of struggling with three and being pressed for a fourth, and it's horrible pressure to be under. I hope you can find a way of taking the pressure off a bit.

dollius Mon 02-Sep-13 15:16:12

Look, I have been where you are, not pnd related, but severe anxiety which tipped into depression. This was my third (diagnosed) serious and prolonged bout of depression/anxiety in my life.

I was prescribed Prozac which, at a high dose - 60mg per day - worked brilliantly for me. For the first time, I actually felt normal. I switched to Sertraline during my last pregnancy, 200mg per day.

It actually came as a great relief to be told by a perinatal psychiatrist that after two major episodes of depression, it is actually advisable to remain on ADs for life. This just took away all the worry I had about when I should come off them and what if it made me worse, etc etc.

I now take 150mg Sertraline a day (equivalent to 40g Prozac per day) and I will never come off it. It makes me normal.

In my opinion, this is me managing a condition I have in the same way that my husband uses inhalers to manage his asthma. He has to use a preventative one every day even when he is not wheezy - it's exactly the same thing.

Really, there is no point in suffering like this. You just wouldn't if it was anything other than mental health-related. Get to your GP love and put a stop to this, you deserve a happy life. If your GP is not sympathetic, then go to another one.

I know what you mean about being labelled by the GP. But, when I went to see my GP about what I thought was a stomach ulcer because I had so much pain, she rightly spotted that it was more likely anxiety, because of my history. She was absolutely right and the pains went away overnight.

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 14:30:36

I always feel respected, DP really is very supportive but I think we're trapped in the cycle of not knowing how to move forward.

The negative thoughts about ads and drs come from drs sadly, and health visitors, medical professionals in general.

I don't remember if the ads worked before, I was on them from such a young age they just became part of life.

I miss life before DS3 so much but feel evil saying it because I do love him just like I do the others.

GettingStrong Mon 02-Sep-13 14:24:31

Do you think you are depressed, or do you think you 'just' have a lot on your plate?

Three children is a lot to cope with, especially when one has disabilities. You must feel exhausted.

Don't assume you must be depressed because you don't want another child. It's ok to just not want another, even if you said before you wanted another you can change your mind.

Could you ask him to stop the jokes? It is soul destroying for your husband to be joking about this.

LayMeDown Mon 02-Sep-13 14:20:51

Hi. I know exactly what you mean about the relentless drudgery of it all. After my third I damn near lost my mind. I was a SAHM and my youngest was an incredibly easy going baby, but everything was so difficult with three. I hated it. I went back to work and it saved me. I was lucky I got a part time job.
You need to carve some space and time away from them. Any thing you can. Before I got the job I went to some classes twice a week. I insisted H came home (he works long hours) and I ran out the door as soon as he arrived. That helped a lot. Can you get some help in for a couple of hours a day during the week to help you?
You do need to consider the possibility of ads. I don't have any history of depression so I was fairly confident I was just plain old unhappy with my situation and not suited to being at home with three kids, and it proved to be the case. With your history it is more likely that as well as struggling with the general difficulty of it all, you have also developed PND.
It does get easier as they get bigger, but I know how you feel and its not nice. And a big fat no to another baby. DH knows where I stand on that to. Its OK to change your mind. Everyone has their limits (mine as it turns out was probably two and a half children!!)

wordyBird Mon 02-Sep-13 14:10:18

Do you feel heard, and respected, when you talk to him?

It's good that he listens, but ....he doesn't seem aware of the magnitude of the decision about having or not having a baby (for example). It's not some trivial thing you'll come round to sometime. A child needs mutual consent, and mutual enthusiasm really.

I don't like the sound of your thoughts and feelings being dismissed simply because you have MH issues. Did that come from the doctor, or somewhere else? This kind of thing can make you reluctant to seek help.

CailinDana Mon 02-Sep-13 13:57:33

Did the ads work for you?

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 13:56:00

He wants me to go to the GP. It's just... I'm not sure how to explain it buy I can't physically get myself through the door.

I had a good few years after being on antidepressants of being labeled and being treated like I was fragile or that my motion or thoughts didn't matter because after all, I had mh issues. I just wish I could think of something that would make waking up in the morning seem easier.

CailinDana Mon 02-Sep-13 13:39:10

When you next have the conversation could you say "I'm ill I need to go to the gp?"

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 13:33:52

I know he can't, if I can't work it out he's not going to be able to but that's what he wants to do, fix it. Without an answer its the same old conversation over and over...

CailinDana Mon 02-Sep-13 13:25:01

He can't make it better except perhaps by going to the gp with you.

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 13:22:18

I can talk to him about anything, he's always willing to listen but it always comes down to "what can he do to make it better?" and I just don't know,

CailinDana Mon 02-Sep-13 13:19:30

I developed pnd after dd was born 6 months ago, felt exactly like you. I went on ads when she was 3 months and honestly I feel fine now. Forget about work and more babies for now and concentrate on getting well.

wordyBird Mon 02-Sep-13 13:16:53

DP uses humour to diffuse situations a lot so if I mention not having another he'll just cheerfully say "oh you'll be fiiinnneee" or he'll make another joke to try and make m laugh or smile

This isn't very good, titsalina. It sounds as if he's just dismissing you.

Having a child, bringing another life into the world, is a huge commitment. It's not something to joke about or dismiss with a few soothing words.

You need to have a serious talk with him about your feelings - not only regarding this, but also how you feel about your life generally. Can you talk to him about these things?

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 13:04:25

I'd love to work but I was stupid, I had my first child at 16, he's disabled so I've been taking care of him ever since, I could do a few shifts a week doing something/anything but I've never had a proper job so who'd want me? My cv is non existent. I hate it, I feel so useless.

ballinacup Mon 02-Sep-13 13:01:05

Is there any way you could work? I know it's not possible with childcare costs as high as they are, but maybe a weekend job when your DP is around to look after the children.

It won't help you want another, but it might help you from finding the day to day grind so relentless. I had PND and only really felt better once I went back to work when DS was 11mo.

Choos123 Mon 02-Sep-13 12:40:38

Yes, I had that too, if you see dc for a couple of hours a week it's hard to see it from the other side. I get it though and most primary carers of small dc would too. My dh says he is not a mind reader (especially about feelings). I have to remind myself to be direct with him, not my default or yours by the sound of it. You're not doing a bad job of explaining it here, I do think my dh would again come back to 'tell me what I can do' as he's action based. You should post to the mental health board too, when I posted about anxiety, people were very friendly and they definitely get it. If dh says you'll be fine re another baby, you should say to him straight out that you need him to acknowledge its off the table and his reaction stresses you out. Good luck op.

lipstickstains Mon 02-Sep-13 12:38:56

My DH wouldn't listen either when I would tell him about not having another, so I just gave up trying to convince him and got the Mirena coil fitted (strings trimmed entirely so he could never detect it). I would never have wanted the chaos of another child but when men are at work all day they don't realise how difficult it is. You are the one having to cope with the day to day childcare and of course it's your body, so it doesn't have to be something you negotiate but rather something you tell them imo.

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 12:31:34

I have anxiety about everything even deciding what to have for dinner causes me anxiety incase I get it wrong (not that there is a wrong)

DP uses humour to diffuse situations a lot so if I mention not having another he'll just cheerfully say "oh you'll be fiiinnneee" or he'll make another joke to try and make m laugh or smile which I don't mind but it really doesn't help but then again I don't know what will help!

He hasn't a clue how I feel because he adores every second with DS and can't understand why I would have a problem with doing the 24/7 care for everyone.

I don't even know why I posted tbh. I just feel so desperate all the time, I wish I had the right words to make the people around me sit up and notice the extent of te problem but I don't.

Choos123 Mon 02-Sep-13 12:22:15

Sympathies, I've had lots of anxiety since having dd, that all sounds awful. Things people have suggested include giving up caffeine, exercise (it helps me feel more in control a lot and oddly less tired), getting out more in general. Do you think your anxiety at leaving the dc will get better if the babysitter/child minder/nursery sessions were more regular? Do you feel the same if dh or a sister babysits? If you don't know up front, can you try these things for a period of weeks to see? Status quo doesn't seem like a good place to be. If you won't take pills (i can understand) do some research on taking control of anxiety/depression without pills (drs have ideas here too) and try some of the things that have worked for other people. Having another baby must be off the table in dh's mind already, surely?

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 02-Sep-13 11:59:18

DP is great when he's her but he works a lot. I don't think he understands how draining it is to pull DS down from whatever he's climbing for the 59th time that day.
I find myself resenting him working, I know it's unreasonable but when he comes home and says he's been out to lunch here or there with colleagues all I want to scream is "do you know what I had for lunch?" Fucking nothing because I was sorting the kids.

As I said I know it's unreasonable and I never say anything to him but the fact that he gets to use his brain, talk to adults, eat in peace really makes me bitter.

I don't have any friends but I see my sisters from time to time, we have a babysitter available occasionally but my anxiety is so bad I spend time away worrying.

I find the problem with ads having been on them before that you get labeled with it so anything you talk to them about is given a sympathetic nod and dismissed as me feeling low.

I think I was depressed for most of my pregnancy, I went from severe 'morning' sickness to bein wheelchair bound and loosing any dignity I had from spd, then DS was born in minutes without warning which was traumatic to say the least and then I was released from hospital and not bothered with again.

northernlurker Mon 02-Sep-13 11:53:15

I see OP. Did wonder if that might be the case but it's a strategy that works with some practices so worth a try. In that case make an appointment and take along a written statement of the situation. Something like:

This is how I feel, I've felt like this since......
This is what I've what done......................
This is what I would like to happen............
This is what I'm afraid of happening next......

Then if you find you struggle to articulate what's haoppening you can give them that.

You have a medical problem. You need medical help. As Lisa has said - if you had a broken leg you wouldn't just drag it around for months expecting it to fix itself.

LisaMed Mon 02-Sep-13 11:50:37

x post do you know anyone else who goes to that practice who can recommend a GP? Can you convince your HV that you cannot do her suggestion?

I have been stuck in depression and it is such a grim place and so hard to pull yourself out of it, even with all the help. The depression itself makes it harder to do things that will make things better. Has your DH done any of the thinking/research/planning that would make things easier for you?

sureitis Mon 02-Sep-13 11:48:34

I feel for you OP.

My baby is 9 months and I also have pnd. Have been "ignoring" it for months. I prob was even depressed when I was pregnant. It's now got to the stage where I can't ignore it any longer and I've a docs appt for tomorrow to get ADs and ask to be referred for counselling because I can't cope with it any longer. I made the appt last week after reading another thread on here about someone else who was brave enough to make an appt about her pnd.

You need help and if you need ADs for a short while to get you back on your feet then you can look at getting the tools to manage on a day to day basis so you can gear towards coming off them in the future. Right now I'd be happy to take them forever if it meant I didn't have to feel like this ever again.

Good luck.

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