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My world is falling apart

(46 Posts)
tri10 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:01:32

I don't know what to do, my husband said there was an emergency at work Friday night and would be late home but didn't know when he would finish. Thought nothing of it, but the following morning I looked at his messages and there was lots about meeting up with some guy( I wasn't looking as I was suspicious I'm just a bit of a nosy Parker confused) didn't get to see the rest of the messages just the meeting bit as he came back in and I couldn't believe what I'd read. Yesterday I just denied it to myself and carried on as normal,I checked his phone this morning and the messages have been deleted but the history is there I googled the name and town and it gay hook up sight today I have been a bit teary and he hasn't asked why but managed to pull it together to go to his mums for dinner.

We came sat on the sofa in silence and then I came to bed. I text him half an hour ago saying I know he lied and can he sleep on sofa I know how cowardly that is but I can't bear it..but no response.

We have 2 children aged 1&4. I can't through him out as he needs to look after them tomorrow while I'm at work.

I just want to pretend it isn't happening.....

tri10 Mon 02-Sep-13 11:51:32

I was ok this morning have come into work. he has text me saying my four year old told him I said I didn't love him hmm the blame seems to be being completely pushed onto me. I'm just so cross I don't want to talk to anyone is real life as I was sort of hoping we could get through it buy im not sure now.

Hegsy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:58:26

Your 4 yo told him you said you didn't love him? hmm

If he can't accept the responsibility for his actions I can't see how you can work through this. This is NOT your fault OP. Even if you were having no sex whatsoever it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

I'd be asking him to leave, he can still help look after his kids if he doesn't live with you.

camaleon Mon 02-Sep-13 12:00:05

tri, it is pretty obvious your husband is not telling the truth. He has looked for gay sex and got it.
You need to be health-wise and go for a STI test.
If he does not come clear this is going to be very difficult to resolve. It is already quite a mess and there is no amount of hiding it from yourself that will help.
I am really sorry. It must be awful but you have to confront this as a grown-up. Don't let him play with your mind and feelings. Don't allow him to use the children in any possible way.
He has cheated on you. With a man. He needs to do lots of explaining. Not you

JuliaScurr Mon 02-Sep-13 12:21:07

hope they can help you
wine or brew

JuliaScurr Mon 02-Sep-13 12:26:53

skyeskyeskye Mon 02-Sep-13 13:23:49

Most straight men would be appalled at even the thought of any sexual activity with another man. If he was just after a BJ, there are any number of prostitutes out there, so his explanation doesn't hold water.

It sounds like he is going to lie repeatedly to cover up his actions. If he is gay or bi, then he needs to be honest with you.

As for bringing your child into this, that is inexcusable.

Book yourself an STI check and an appointment with a counsellor

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 02-Sep-13 17:49:02

I agree that a straight man wouldn't want to have sex with a gay man in any which way.

My friend told me he wasn't gay but him and his friend used to give eachother blowjobs and handjobs. He said he wasn't gay because it wasn't anal sex as that is disgusting and he used to do it whilst in a relationship but as it was with another man it wasn't cheating.

tri10 Mon 02-Sep-13 19:36:42

Thanks for all your messages.

Julia that first website is really helpful.

Kids have just gone to bed so I guess we have a difficult evening ahead of us.

FetchezLaVache Mon 02-Sep-13 19:43:06

This must have been such a horrible shock for you, Tri. Regardless of the fact that it's a man, your husband lying to you, cheating on you, is trying to minimise it and put the blame onto you. You do indeed have a difficult evening ahead of you. Stay strong; wishing you all the best.

SubliminalMassaging Mon 02-Sep-13 19:46:54

People who are frustrated at a lack of sex with their wives will usually have affairs with other women not men. confused

He is lying, panicking, in denial and clutching at straws. To blame you is despicable - you could be shagging him 20 times a week and it still wouldn't be enough to keep him away from the gay scene if he feels compelled to explore it.

Deal with it however you see fit, but do not let him undermine and gaslight you - it's highly unlikely to be a one-off, or the first time, and it's most definitely not your fault.

TheCricketWidow Mon 02-Sep-13 19:54:58

What a difficult time for you, I've no words of wisdom but would agree with those that have advised that you have a sexual health screening. Thinking of you op.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 20:00:04

Cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter if it is man, woman or sheep.

As with all the others I agree you need to get yourself checked out to make sure you have not caught anything.

As for the rest, it's easier to get a BJ from a bloke, it's all your fault and it's the first time. BOLLOCKS

Sorry you are going through this.

Ayres108 Mon 02-Sep-13 21:32:21

Hi, Tri, so sorry you're suffering.

He needs to come to the point where he can express himself to you honestly, sincerely, and with transparency. That takes a certain amount of self-understanding, and in patriarchal culture, that kind of self-understanding is rare in heterosexual men (at least that is my experience). I think it would be good for him to undergo counseling with a therapist experienced in the issues that members of the LGBTQ community face. It is possible that he is experiencing shame and other emotions that are frightening to him; if so, then he will be internally defending himself against those feelings, and such psychological defenses can be quite strong. Professional psychological counseling could help him to get a handle on things. If he is open to going into sessions with an LGBTQ therapist, then, for the two of you, perhaps couples therapy or marital therapy would be beneficial for your relationship.

Please know that you're not alone, and that there are others out there (both men and women) who have faced these things too.

Wishing you the best,


Clarina Tue 03-Sep-13 19:33:29

Are you ok tri10?

Catwoman12 Tue 03-Sep-13 19:44:56

Tri, how are you? I have found writing it all down really does help xx

Mumsyblouse Tue 03-Sep-13 20:47:43

I'm so sorry this happened, what a shit! I can see that you are bound to focus on the fact that it is with a man, because the revelation that your husband has gay experiences is a huge one, but despite of all that, he's been unfaithful and out seeking casual sex. That to me is waaaaay worse than having a bisexual husband who is faithful. Many people are bisexual, hide their sexuality, have fantasies, wonder what if, or have had previous gay relationships, but he's married to you and needs to be faithful to you. That's the bottom line.

His excuses are pathetic, he's blaming you and it sounds like he's quite experienced (how likely is it that you caught him the first time?) All of this makes him a complete cheat, not a good quality in a husband.

I would not be hopeful about resolving this unless he can be completely honest about both his sexuality and his seeking of casual sex. Blaming you will simply make you feel rightfully angry.

Mumsyblouse Tue 03-Sep-13 20:49:32

And, I would probably confide in one very good friend. The trouble is that this feels very taboo and this can make you feel even more isolated and awful. But, basically it's the age old story of being a cheater, with a bit of a twist. I would tell a very good friend because you need support and help and someone to take your side too, especially as he appears to be in denial.

littlebunnyfriend Tue 03-Sep-13 21:04:01

Sorry, that is so awful for you. sad

Your hubby is, of course, talking nonsense. It's no easier to hook up with a male than with a female, and I can feel confident in saying that NO straight man would consider getting a blowjob from another man - most would be positively horrified at the thought.

Please do not let him put this on you - he's probably very anxious about himself and his sexuality, but he cannot be allowed to turn this into being your fault. He has been dishonest in so many ways.

ImpatientOne Tue 03-Sep-13 22:48:57

Hope you are ok OP thanks

tri10 Wed 04-Sep-13 22:06:43

So we've talked, he tried to explain..... Still not sure what to do.
I'm off work tomorrow and eldest starts school so will try and speak to someone In real life, but I think that will be even more difficult than confronting him.

FetchezLaVache Thu 05-Sep-13 08:17:31

You sound really down, Tri, and I'm sorry to hear it. Feels like he holds all the cards. I hope you manage to talk to someone today in RL. I have no advice for you that hasn't already been given upthread- for now, just consider your hand held.

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