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Every man I've ever been involved with has treated me like crap

(183 Posts)
VelvetSpoon Sun 01-Sep-13 21:49:30

That's really not normal is it?

I have been 'dating' (ha fucking ha) for 4 years, encountered an endless string of fuckwits. The latest one has decided he is 'too busy' to see me, cancelled on me 3 times and forced me to dump him.

But I've realised it's not just all these OD losers, it's all the other relationships/ encounters/ whatever I've had in the years beforehand too. Every single one.

I'm trying to think of any of them that have actually treated me ex helped me a lot with house stuff, but he refused to go to most social events with me, and in our 9 month relationship never stayed overnight at my house. So didn't exactly treat me that well. There was only 1 other, who was v considerate when I saw him but used to mess me around a lot in terms of seeing him, and would change/ cancel arrangements at v short notice.

So where do I go wrong?

VelvetSpoon Wed 04-Sep-13 10:22:22

I know I'm a bit different to other people, I have been used to not quite fitting in most of my life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I do think if I were more average in many ways I'd find it easier to meet someone smile

Re age, I was in a relationship with a man 20 years older than me in my 20s. The last 2 men I've dated have been 5 years younger, so I am open minded as to age and always have been really.

yellowballoons Wed 04-Sep-13 09:05:48

I think you are unique, VelvetSpoon, and I mean it in a nice way.
I do sometimes think that people who are much the same as other people have an easier job finding a partner.

The other thought that occurs to me from you post, is have you thought yourself about having an older or younger partner?

Quite often, families follow patterns, even if they dont set out to.

VelvetSpoon Wed 04-Sep-13 08:38:47

I really don't think I'm trying to find a perfect man. I do ask myself sometimes, if it's someone I particularly like, whether my dad would have liked them smile and I have thought several times that he would have approved. Plenty he wouldn't have liked at all though.

My parents were both from working-class (ish) backgrounds, although there were differences: my mum was from a v large, close-knit Italian origin family, my dad (who was 16 years older than my mum) had a very disjointed childhood, was brought up in the country by his grandparents for 10 years before being returned to his dad in London. They didnt get on, my dad went into the army at 18 (this was during WW2) and never saw him again. Both my parents under-achieved academically - my mum couldn't go to grammar school because her parents couldn't afford the uniform. My dad failed the 11plus because of moving. Hence why they wanted me to do well at school and go to university, because neither of them got the chance.

yellowballoons Wed 04-Sep-13 08:20:59

Sorry to hear that VelvetSpoon.

Do you think you may be trying to find the perfect man, or a man that can live up to who you think your parents would have approved of?

I dont think the perfect man exists. After all, we are not perfect ourselves, so cant expect anyone else to be.

Can I ask one more thing, which you dont have to answer. Were your parents from the same sort of background as each other?

VelvetSpoon Wed 04-Sep-13 08:05:46

Thanks andanother. Honestly I think I'm lucky in some ways though, so many people had awful childhoods, and terrible relationships with their parents. I have loads of great memories of my childhood, even if my parents are no longer with me, I'll always have those.

I don't think that I'm rejecting nice men. I have dated/ been in relationships with some who seemed nice at first but weren't, leading me to have to get rid. In recent years I have mostly been the one getting dumped after 1/2 dates. But I don't think most of those men were very nice either, so actually them dumping me wasn't a bad thing.

AndAnother Tue 03-Sep-13 23:52:50

Scared to go for a good one in case they leave in the same way maybe?

Hats off for achieving what you have on the back of all that Velvet.

AndAnother Tue 03-Sep-13 23:47:11

So sorry Velvet sad.

After that, I think I'd be scared to ever love anyone again, in case they also died.

Treen44444 Tue 03-Sep-13 23:36:48

Scarlet flag

VelvetSpoon Tue 03-Sep-13 23:19:52

Sadly my mum died when I was 21 and my dad when I was 25. I am an only child, so have no other immediate family (grandparents died when I was a child).

My mum was my best friend, I was the apple of my dad's eye. We were very close. I remember some teen angst over friends and crying to my mum who said 'don't worry, friends will come and go. But however old you are, whatever happens, you'll always have me and your dad. We'll always be there for you'.

They were the most amazing, impossibly glamorous unique people, brilliant parents and I adored them both. They always encouraged me to aim high, believe in myself and that nothing was beyond my reach.

Even many years later, I still miss them every day.

AndAnother Tue 03-Sep-13 23:05:40

I guess someone has to say this: what is your relationship with your parents like? These things can influence our relationships years later (also their relationship with each other).

VelvetSpoon Tue 03-Sep-13 19:28:16

That's a fair point. I'd find hillwalking or rambling deeply dull, and would rather boil my own eyeballs than participate. I'm sure there are lots of nice men who do those sorts of activities, but I wouldn't be their type or vice versa.

I do exercise, but I am not sporty, so that rules out any sort of sporting clubs etc, although I know they are very good places to meet people (I know of one couple who met via a running club, and several who met through diving).

LessMissAbs Tue 03-Sep-13 18:20:57

I don't know any lawyers who look or dress like me, though I'm sure there are some. I've never worked for one of the magic circle firms, I've always been able to dress pretty much how I wanted for work

Outside the magic circle firms or their pretenders, I've encountered quite a few colleagues who dress similarly. And certainly some of the attire in court would raise far more eyebrows than your profile attire!

But trying to analyse the point you make in your OP, I postulate that a lot of the decent guys are ones who do things in their spare time like hillwalking, cycling, whatever (and probably not internet dating as a time consuming hobby!) ie they fill their time not with shagging around and drinking and dating multiple women but with more traditional sort of hobbies, and perhaps those type of men couldn't see someone who spends a lot of time on their appearance doing those hobbies with them or being compatible with them.

watchforthesnail Tue 03-Sep-13 12:34:02

its not a new profile. same pics and everything, which is why im more shocked by it.

if it was brand new i would expect that reaction... but its not.

I did the IE thing too and had exactly the same experience you did, bar finding a decent one.

and how nice hotbut is single again smile

MsCellophane Tue 03-Sep-13 12:24:45

Watch - is it a whole new profile? Not wanting to burst your bubble but new profiles do get a huge amount of interest.

I did the IE experiment (as you will remember) looking for a FWB. I was very honest in what I was looking for - someone I could meet on a monthly basis, for drinks and sex and conversation. I made it very clear that I wasn't looking for one night stands and that sex would only come about once we had got to know each other over a few weeks

I got hundreds and hundreds of messages. From those I had a handful of dates, some led to one night stands, others were just left at one date. In all of this, I found only one man that understood that a true FWB should have a friendship over and above the benefits. That a woman who is being treated with respect at all times is more likely to be sexually attracted to them and that the terms are mutual so if I was to ask if he was free - then that was fine

It was disappointing, so many men just looking for a shag, on their terms only, not wanting to meet again as a woman 'can't remove feelings and it wouldn't be fair'

The good part is my lovely HotBut was an amazing FWB for a year - who then sadly got a GF but still stayed in touch (and is now single again and we are trying to sort a date lol) So I do know there are great men out there but the odds are not in our favour

So, long winded way of saying don't get too excited by new profile smile

watchforthesnail Tue 03-Sep-13 12:14:20

i know, im just pondering out loud.

im not expecting anything to come of it....

its just its wildly different in all aspects. I didnt struggle to get dates or messages, but i didnt get the volume ive just had. and they werent the same kind of messages either. That is interesting in itself.

Lots of people are treated like crap with online dating, you only have to look at a few threads or even talk to anyone thats done it to know that.

ALittleStranger Tue 03-Sep-13 12:07:55

Watch having not had an actual enjoyable date, or relationship out of this profile, or found out if it attracts the kind of men you like, or found out if you can continue to attract them after the first date etc etc, I think it might be too soon to evaluate the profile. It is just the opener in a very long game. Very few people struggle to get msgs or dates, plenty of people aren't treated like crap, the challenge is progressing with the kind of relationship they want.

watchforthesnail Tue 03-Sep-13 12:02:30

its so odd, i would have argued till the cows come home. tbh im still shocked.

i think after a marriage break up, all my dating advice came from here, so it was all what women thought... and mn is quite feminist, and full of strong women, so it was all ' be interesting, be confident etc' not that these arent important things, they are. BUT - they arent the bait for fish.

lazy - that is possibly the best quote when it comes to dating ive ever heard.

I have also been treated like crap by pretty much every single date, ive been baffled and discusted and wondered why the hell it keeps happeing, but keeping on, because well, i know its not me...

but i wasnt playing the game right. The new profile gives nothing away, other than a peek at a future ( and a standard one at that) I can filter from there. It seems from the 100's of messages ive had than men what that, some of them have been begging ' tell me what i can do to get a date with you' they are literally willing to do anything. very odd. The ones i have replied to cant believe their luck and think im so kind of prize. IF they have asked me out ive said when im free up to them to be avaliable and to suggest something.

Maybe this will make the crap dates be less frequent and the being treated like crap stop, because im giving less of me away, for more effort from them. If that makes any sense.

yellowballoons Tue 03-Sep-13 11:57:53


Lazyjaney Tue 03-Sep-13 11:55:58

@yellow - no worries, I spent some years in Holland, their bluntness rubbed off on me, they are as blunt to friends as foes smile

yellowballoons Tue 03-Sep-13 11:50:46

It is like Lazyjaney says, "If you want to catch fish, you bait hooks with the food they like".

Women dont seem to realise it, or dont want to do that. Fair enough. Up to them. But as I said before, I dont think many men have changed all that much. Women change, men dont much.

Me, I am a bit naturally 50's anyway, so no skin off my nose.

[and yes, I realise Lazyjaney, we have been on a thread together before, but I suspect that you and I would agree to leave that thread be.]

watchforthesnail Tue 03-Sep-13 11:15:34

in the interests of updating - im being taken out to dinner friday evening, by the very nice company director. He lives 30 miles away, without hesitation he said he would come to me, i resisted the urge to tell him no, im happy to meet him halfway, or even go to his to make it easier for him ( like i would have done before, because i like to think im nice) he said he would love to take me out to dinner and i can pick where ever i like. So - i have.

So - i have dinner somewhere expensive friday, where the guy is doing all the running. and lunch monday, at the nicest place in town, where the guy is doing all the running.

very very interesting....

watchforthesnail Tue 03-Sep-13 10:30:30

i would as well little, its like waving a big red flag around.

still..... people do it.

lots of people do it.

ALittleStranger Tue 03-Sep-13 10:27:37

Ah but you see Watch I would strongly discourage anyone from saying they've been hurt etc on a profile.

Anyway, I ought to do some work. I won't carry on out-earning my boyfriend if I get sacked. [Wink]

VelvetSpoon Tue 03-Sep-13 10:23:59

It's not so much that I'm not interested in men who earn more than me per se, more that I encounter very few of them; with the exception of the guy I dumped at the weekend I don't think I have ever had a date with one via OD, and probably haven't had many messages from them either.

It's impossible for me to say whether that's because in my area there are no high earning single men - or if those men have simply chosen not to contact me.

Ultimately though a man's job or earnings doesn't mean much to me. As watch says, how they treat me matters more. I wouldn't entertain a cocklodger, but I'd never rule someone out purely because they were a lower rate taxpayer. One of my exs earned half the amount I do. It never bothered me, although it did concern him.

watchforthesnail Tue 03-Sep-13 10:11:01

im not sure it is desperate little - how many womens profiles say how hurt they have been and how they want this and that and the other. and other such shit? loads.

I think show and not tell too. Tried that for 4 years, didnt get anywhere. This is just an experiment, ive got nothing to lose. Im as surprised at the results as anyone, and if you read back i said i cant see it making much difference. except it has.

Oddly, the men who are responding are not bottom feeders, ive had replies off far more unsituable men when i had, what i thought was a better profile. Mostly im getting responses from slightly older ( late 30's early 40's) company directors/ managers/ successful men. Im going on a date monday lunchtime to the nicest place in town.

Couldnt be more shocked, and like i said, does go aganist everything i thought too.

Im not selling myself short im not saying im not fab, because i am. Its just setting it out in a different way. As an dating experiment, i think its interesting.

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