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Every man I've ever been involved with has treated me like crap

(183 Posts)
VelvetSpoon Sun 01-Sep-13 21:49:30

That's really not normal is it?

I have been 'dating' (ha fucking ha) for 4 years, encountered an endless string of fuckwits. The latest one has decided he is 'too busy' to see me, cancelled on me 3 times and forced me to dump him.

But I've realised it's not just all these OD losers, it's all the other relationships/ encounters/ whatever I've had in the years beforehand too. Every single one.

I'm trying to think of any of them that have actually treated me ex helped me a lot with house stuff, but he refused to go to most social events with me, and in our 9 month relationship never stayed overnight at my house. So didn't exactly treat me that well. There was only 1 other, who was v considerate when I saw him but used to mess me around a lot in terms of seeing him, and would change/ cancel arrangements at v short notice.

So where do I go wrong?

ALittleStranger Mon 02-Sep-13 11:52:20

It's just offensive to say there are no nice men, is a lazy cop out and ignores the experience of scores of other people.

VelvetSpoon Mon 02-Sep-13 11:54:46

I'm not dismissive of people's suggestions or points of view generally, I try to respond to the same thoughfully, and either take on board those suggestions or explain why I don't consider they'd be helpful.

On the basis you have made your views about me quite clear on several occasions bant both on threads and via pms to others, I'm really not sure why you'd bother to post on a thread I'd started, other than to shit stir. You can of course post where you like, but I won't be engaging with or responding to you further.

MadeMan Mon 02-Sep-13 11:57:17

Do you have any male friends Velvet? Perhaps if you knew some men as just friends then something might develop there.

Mind you, it still means you have to find the men in the first place.

Back to the drawing board then.

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 02-Sep-13 12:00:22

There are lots of nice men but there are not very many nice single men in their 40s.
You are fishing from a very small pool (?) op, I sympathise.

VelvetSpoon Mon 02-Sep-13 12:05:14

I do have a number of male friends (none of whom can understand why I am single, or why I meet so many unsuitable men). Most of them are married/ in ltrs, the others are much younger than me. So that's not really an option.

I have asked in the past about their single friends/ relatives, in case they might know anyone to introduce me to, however their response was they don't consider any of the single men they know good enough for me smile

Bant Mon 02-Sep-13 12:13:30

Just trying to be helpful, velvet. You can complain all you want to about how all men are crap, and how you can't seem to find a good one, but if you post yet another thread along the same lines, and then proceed to repeatedly ignore everyones well meaning advice, maybe you should be looking at your own dating behaviour rather than blaming everyone else.

MadeMan Mon 02-Sep-13 12:14:26

"...however their response was they don't consider any of the single men they know good enough for me." - VelvetSpoon

If I were you though, I would want to see this cupboard full of supposedly unsuitable men of theirs, y'know, just to be sure. wink

VelvetSpoon Mon 02-Sep-13 12:21:07

I have met a couple of the unsuitable men at parties etc, and while nice enough blokes in their own right, they are far too much on the wrong side of the law for me to become involved with them, I couldn't risk my career. So I suspect the friends were spot on in their assessment of the others too!

Rufus20 Mon 02-Sep-13 12:24:52

This will sound a touch harsh, and I don't know you in real-life, but you don't come across that well online - maybe there's something in you that attracts not very nice men to you - sorry, I appreciate that's harsh

scrazy Mon 02-Sep-13 12:38:58

I was reading a good website recently about how men get to place value on someone they are seeing. You have to let them do the contacting and chasing initially. Let them do stuff for you and even accept being treated to dinner etc. It's about them investing in the relationship so will want to make it last.

It's interesting and I would say quite true ime.

I would back off next time you meet someone you really like and see if they come to you, if not, then you have saved yourself a lot of angst by not getting emotionally involved with someone who isn't feeling the same way in the first place.

This is what I intend to do and am doing atm with someone. I'm not that bothered about him at this stage and he is ringing and talking about things we can do in the future etc.

Good luck smile.

VelvetSpoon Mon 02-Sep-13 12:39:37

That's an interesting viewpoint rufus, can you expand on how I don't come across well online? That's not something I can recall anyone saying to me before, so I'd be keen to know more.

watchforthesnail Mon 02-Sep-13 12:59:28

i might suggest that those that also arent having much in the way of dating luck... to quit giving their advice, as as evidence is suggesting, they dont have it down pat either.

The deal with the rules is, apartfromitbeingaloadofsexistshit is its basing something on the fact that a man is going to chase, and is going to jump through hoops. I do believe there is another thread on here at the momment about the rules and online dating.... and how its basically shit.

The rules isnt going to weed out someone whos not nice, all it will do is show those that like the chase, nothing more.

VelvetSpoon Mon 02-Sep-13 12:59:38

I have let men do the chasing in the past, and again more recently, unfortunately I don't think it's always that simple, although I wish it was.

The man I had to end things with yesterday did all the chasing and texting. I left it to him to initiate contact. We had 2 dates, a 3rd was planned, he had spoken about taking me out shopping (because we both love to shop and he said it would be nice to treat me), and for a weekend away next month. Unfortunately he messed me around re the 3rd date (and cancelled/postponed more than once at the last minute citing work pressure) which wasn't fair on me, hence I had to end things because whilst he was apologetic, he clearly didn't have/ wouldn't make time for me (although he had for dates 1 and 2, which coincided with a less busy time for his business) and I deserve better.

None of which is the end of the world but it's disappointing that even when he did all the running, made all the right noises and seemed keen, it didn't pan out.

CuChullain Mon 02-Sep-13 13:01:08

I would back off next time you meet someone you really like and see if they come to you

Or, most likely, they will just assume you are not interested and not pursue the matter any further out of fear of being labelled a pest or a stalker.

Its crap like this that makes the whole dating game so much more difficult then it needs to be.

watchforthesnail Mon 02-Sep-13 13:08:23

agreed cuchullain... or those that do persue when its clear you arent interested, or even have a boyfriend.... because they think theres a chance you might be ' doing the rules on them' are just insane.

You cant back off from someone, when you have had one date anyway, or even before you have met. Backing off would impy to replying to emails/ texts, and, if you didnt do that, one) how would any conversation happen 2) how would you know if you liked them and wanted to meet up 3) how would any date get asked for if you were being too aloof to reply.

CuChullain Mon 02-Sep-13 13:21:30



I commented on another thread about 'The Rules' a few days back with regards to the whole acting disinterested and waiting a few days before replying to texts/emails/calls game plan. It really is such bollocks. There were several times when OD that I had what I thought was an enjoyable and 'successful' first date to which I subsequently followed up with an invite to go out again only to hear nothing back. After a few days I would come to the conclusion that she was not that bothered and I would move on only to get a whiny email several days later wondering why I had not pursued things further. By that stage knowing that she was playing some silly game as advised by friends or a book was an instant turn off.

SunRaysthruClouds Mon 02-Sep-13 13:23:40

I assume find these types of thread fascinating because there is so much analysis of what men should do / might do / think / want etc.

How can it be anything other than getting to know someone, deciding they are decent,, that there is an attraction then moving forward? And if they are not quite the person you had hoped for then say thanks but no thanks. Many people on here have said that attraction can grow, so logically it seems better to establish what kind of a person you are dealing with first, whereas so many have said it is better to meet v early and decide if there is attraction.

Fwiw my experience ‘from the other side’ was that emailing for a couple of weeks or more before meeting helped me to understand what the other person was really like. I think you can tell a lot from what people write. Then when we met we already ‘knew’ each other.

I have dated on line twice, each time contacted someone within a week, emailed for 2-3 more, met and gone on to have long term relationships. The second is still going after a year and it’s great. I appreciate that the nice man / nice woman ratio may be unfairly biased towards men but it just means the ‘establish who is nice’ approach must be more important.

Al that stuff about ‘men want to chase’ is so much bollocks. Maybe when I was a teenager that might have been true. But you (OP) and I are both over 40 and we are both mature enough to know better. If any woman had left me to chase even after I had showed interest, and we had established a reasonable rapport, I would have just concluded that she didn’t care and moved on.

Try not to over analyse – enjoy your life as it is. And make sure your correspondence reflects that.

SunRaysthruClouds Mon 02-Sep-13 13:25:17

Sorry - 'I find'

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 02-Sep-13 13:30:07

You don't think you're maybe being a little harsh on the "Because I'm Worth It" scheme of things? Someone putting off a date because they're very busy at work, while generally keeping in touch and making plans for the future does not equal "treating like crap" IMO. Obviously there may well be more to it.

You risk sounding like one of those jaded middle aged men in pubs who corner someone to tell them how all women are the same (i.e. dreadful, cruel etc). Do you think you might be setting yourself/your dates up to fail?

There is a difference between being a pushover and being kind and empathetic with the vagaries of someone else's life, it's not a sign of weakness. You sound scared tbh.

watchforthesnail Mon 02-Sep-13 13:40:27

its the 'establish who is nice' that is the hard part....
people can, and do say anything, there is no truth filter, you have to take it on face value. You also dont know someones intentions, they might say they want something long term, appear lovely and then vanish a few weeks later having got what they wanted.

Theres a massive element of luck and meeting the right person at the right time at play.

yellowballoons Mon 02-Sep-13 13:49:42

You could well be living in the wrong area.
If all of the parents in your childs class are married, except for you, you sound like you are living in coupledom land. All very nice for most, but not suited to your circumstances.
Would you consider moving?

ihearthuckabees Mon 02-Sep-13 14:07:21

I think you have written him off far too easily. You only had 2 dates, both of which were good, then he had a busy time with work and had to let you down. He has his own business - this is what work is like when you're self employed. To say you deserve better makes you sound arrogant. You are still getting to know him and vice versa, and after two dates, neither of you 'deserve' anything from the other.

You could give him another chance. You were not obliged to dump him after one so-called transgression. It seems like you are scared of being messed around but can't necessarily identify what is 'being messed around' and what is just life's little setbacks.

VelvetSpoon Mon 02-Sep-13 14:11:15

I wouldn't mind him cancelling one date due to work. The problem was he postponed it once, then postponed it to the next day, then postponed til later in the day and ultimately then cancelled. He clearly doesn't have, or won't make time. I can't date someone who will constantly be too busy to see me.

Re where I live, I am in a fairly well off London suburb. I am tied here until my children finish school in 6 years, so I can't consider moving til then.

JustinBsMum Mon 02-Sep-13 14:22:10

You have to stop looking for a man. You have to appear to be fun, interesting and very happy and content with your wonderful life, busy, with lots of friends and acquaintances, find your work enjoyable/interesting/rewarding one or several of these and men should then flock to your side desperate to be around this wonderful woman.
Somehow you are giving off either a needy vibe or a too capable vibe. The needy one scares men off and the too capable attracts the needy men.
Louise Hay has some positive thinking 'mantras' in her books which might help you give off a better vibe. Her books are very flowery but I tried some and they do work. So you could try that. Fake it til you make it as they say. Must say I didn't try them to improve dates, just to be happier.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Mon 02-Sep-13 14:26:24

I found stargirl's list of 'red flags' on p1 really interesting - not for me, but in general, and as a parent of girls. Does anyone have any more?

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