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If Im being unreasonable with my grown up daughter, i need you lot to tell me. I feel so confused!

(93 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Sun 01-Sep-13 16:27:25

Dd is 21. Lives at home. Older ds24 moved out 5 years ago when he went to uni. Other dc are dd11, ds8&ds5. Im 19 weeks pregnant. Dd21 reacted really badly to news of the new baby. She hasn't spoken to me or Dp in 3 weeks. Ignores us & barely answers when we speak to her. She sent me a really nasty & insulting text the day i announced the pregnancy.

Now there's part of me who totally understands her point of view. I understand she feels Im too old to be having more dc. I've got plenty, why have more!

But, she's gone out of her way to tell a family member Im pregnant. I have gone NC with this person. Dd knows how deeply hurt & offended i was by something this family member did about 6 months ago.

Im really angry at dd. This probably isn't fair of me but its how i feel. I've carried a secret for dd for about 3years,a secret she's kept from all the rest of her family. I would never ever betray dd. I had a mc 2 days before her 21st. We didn't alter any plans due to the mc. Everything went as dd wanted. She never even asked if i was ok. She doesn't pay rent. She doesn't do any housework. She never helps with the younger dc.

I've done a mightly shit job with her. Shes very successful but one spoilt princess.

I want her out of the house if Im honest but i won't do that as Im her parent, the so called responsible one... How do i move on from this? am i the one who's actually out of order by having another baby?

Dd has betrayed my trust by telling this person & well she knows it but i need to get over it, how do i do that? should i forgive her?

Any advice appreciated as my mind is really confused!!

Viking1 Sun 01-Sep-13 16:30:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovesPeace Sun 01-Sep-13 16:31:31

My advice is simple, and boring. Talk to her, try to tell her how you feel, and ask her how she feels. Build bridges if you can.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sun 01-Sep-13 16:31:40

She is behaving like a child. She's 21, an adult. She might find it uncomfortable that her mum still has sex but seriously, she needs to get over it.

kickassangel Sun 01-Sep-13 16:32:43

Tell he she betrayed you. Ask her how she would feel about you telling her secret. Point out what you have done for her.

She sounds like a spoilt little princess with a touch of bitchy back stabbing. I'm sure there is more to her than this, but you are obviously seeing that part of her now.

You are an adult with rights to a personal l I've as well, not her servant. Tell her.

And if by successful you mean she is earning money, then charge her rent and make her contribute to housework, or she can move out. She's an adult. Keep treating her like a child and she will resent you, in fact, look at what is happening right now.

That sounds shit. Would the person you are NC with have found out anyway?

Of course you are 'allowed' to have another baby grin you daft pillock.

Why is she paying no rent and doing no chores? She is being very selfish, I would be inclined to call her on it. You can still love her while intensely disliking her behaviour.

Adult to adult chat - things have to change or you need to find a house/flat share with some friends because I will not tolerate being treated like crap. She needs to pay rent (token rent if she's skint) and do her fair share around the house - give her specific jobs to do.

NormaReedus Sun 01-Sep-13 16:34:25

I'd tell her she has 20 weeks to find somewhere to live.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Sep-13 16:34:51

God, that sounds like a horrible situation. She does sound incredibly selfish. What are her reasons for not wanting you to have another child? Does she think she'll miss out on time spent alone with you? Does she think you won't have the same amount of money for her?

At 21 she should be living with friends and being independent. Whose idea was it that she didn't pay rent? She has a massive sense of entitlement, doesn't she?

The thing is that as well as being entitled and selfish, she has a bit of a nasty streak. It was horrible of her not to check you were OK after you had a mc. Even if she wanted her party etc, she should have made sure you felt OK. Telling this other person was really awful; she deliberately did that knowing you would be hurt. Did you find out from that person or from her?

You say you have carried a secret for her - did she have a termination? If so, might this be the reason why she is so horrible about you having a baby?

dancemom Sun 01-Sep-13 16:38:33

I'd also talk. Tell her that her behaviour the past 3 weeks has shown she doesn't want to be a member of your family so she either changes her attitude and behaviour or she leaves. This should be a happy time for you and it clearly isn't. Don't let her taint your pregnancy and control your family any longer.

and TBH at 21 I was living at home rent free but i was training for a proper job on a minimal bursary and doing a weekly whole house clean and helping with childcare and school runs for much younger sibling as I was living with my widower dad.

cozietoesie Sun 01-Sep-13 16:45:12

I'd talk to her - with her leaving in a specified period of time (say a month) as the agenda.

Not only do I think that this is not the act of an irresponsible parent but I think it's the only thing you can do to help her - she's going to get stuck mentally in this situation just as much as you might. She needs to get out and develop on her own rather than sitting stewing in her bedroom in your house.

I reckon it might be the only way of salvaging your relationship as well. Can you imagine the hell on earth that your house is going to be as you become more advanced in your pregnancy and then have the new baby? By all means give her a hand (or even initial financial assistance) to move on but whatever way you do it, I think it's got to be done.

LibraryBook Sun 01-Sep-13 17:00:17

You are having your sixth child and complaining your 21 year old DD doesn't help with the younger children?

She sounds entirely normal for a 21 year old. And it's very common these days for 21 year olds to live at home (things have changed). You mustn't punish your DD for not sharing your pregnancy joy, give her some time.

LibraryBook Sun 01-Sep-13 17:01:40

Why is it suddenly a problem that she doesn't pay rent?

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 17:02:46

I disagree, I don't believe that this is normal behaviour for a grown woman. I wouldn't choose to share my home with an adult who treated me like this. I'd talk to her. I'd lay down some rules (including rent and pulling her weight with running the household) and allow her to choose whether to comply or move out.

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 17:07:27

Perhaps you need to explain to her that if she can't behave like an adult then she isn't welcome to remain in the house.

To be polite and civil
To pay her way
To do her share of housework

usualsuspect Sun 01-Sep-13 17:08:08

I'd talk to her and try and find a solution.

And no I don't think you should 'kick her out'

noddyholder Sun 01-Sep-13 17:09:23

Agree with usual Kick out is never the solution. My mother did this to all of us for varying reasons (all pretty minor) and it had a devastating affect in many ways

Parmarella Sun 01-Sep-13 17:15:38

I don't know, I would never ask my children to pay me rent, that would not be normal in our family, I guess, maybe it would not be in OP family either.

Don't kick her out, people are so hard here

Have a chat with her instead, build bridges, take time to listen to her. Tell her how hurt you are as well. And keep talking.

It sounds bad though that she does nothing in the house, maybe time to get ALL your children onboard for this?

Mindmaps Sun 01-Sep-13 17:15:46

No, give her a reasonable time frame and ask her to move out - she is behaving like a small child and needs to grow up

5madthings Sun 01-Sep-13 17:15:50

You shouldn't kick her out but there need to be ground rules, if she is living at home she needs to be polite and she needs to pull her weight and pitch in around the house ie laundry, cooking, cleaning wetc.

If I remember rightly she is studying? So no income? So rent would depend on her having a part time job?

I remember your thread when you were worried about telling her, I am sorry she has taken it so badly sad tho not surprised.

She doesn't have to like it or be happy about the pregnancy but she does have to be polite and respectful and pull her weight if she wants to continue living at home.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 01-Sep-13 17:18:30

I wouldn't kick her out. I would ask her to help with chores, eg, do her own washing etc. I wouldn't expect her to help with younger dc - you've chosen to have 6 children after all.

I think you just need to keep the channels of communication open for her. Its sad she betrayed your confidence but does she have a separate relationship with this family member? Perhaps she feels torn.

And yes, I'm sure I remember reading before she's still studying.

MadBusLady Sun 01-Sep-13 17:18:49

Why on earth do you "totally understand her point of view"?? It's nuts for a 21yo to be behaving like this. It is completely fair of you to be angry. She has been a cowbag, and she is more than old enough to know not to be one. It is not your responsibility to "get over it" or "forgive her". It is her responsibility to stop being a cowbag and apologise.

She has to see some consequences for her unpleasant behaviour. They could well include asking her to move out - not because she doesn't do chores, but because you don't want to live with an adult who treats you like this.

I think the chores/rent thing is a separate issue TBH. Of course, if you want to change your boundaries on it, then do, but don't do it as "punishment" for her having done this. Won't you just let her off after a while? Do it because it's a fairer arrangement.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Sep-13 17:19:36

Well, either she's an adult, in which case she needs to behave like one, ie with some manners and courtesy and paying her way plus doing her share of the housework; or she's a child, in which case she is subject to rules, discipline, must do her share of the chores and needs to watch her mouth around her parents.

She's failing on both fronts right now.

Honestly, I think you need to be a bit more assertive. Not angry - assertive. What's the history with her, though? I mean, was the split with her father nasty, were the kids dragged in, how was your DP's introduction to their lives managed? Not saying you have to be perfect to deserve basic courtesy but if you are going to talk to her, and to explain your side, you need to have a bit of a think about hers as well. This may be down to long-held resentments.

I also think it may be better for all concerned, if she has a decent job and enough money, if she moves into a house share with some contemporaries. Apart from anything else, being an overgrown kid isn't good for her, and a flat-share is fun.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Sep-13 17:23:31

If she's a 21 yr old student then living away from home would be really tough. Apart from the total poverty of students generally, if you go to a home town uni afair you used to get get less loan and grant. She can't afford to pay you rent if that's so without working at a pace that will damage her studes severely, or getting into major additional debt.

I think setting out some boundaries and explaining she can't treat someone that way just because they're related sounds a good idea.

MadBusLady Sun 01-Sep-13 17:25:03

xpost, agree with the others on studying/rent. I assumed she worked.

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