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So how do I accuse him when I know nothing has happened YET?

(94 Posts)
meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 03:13:46

OK so this is going to seem ridiculous but please bear with me. About 4 years ago, DH met someone through his then work. Nothing happened with them but I could tell he fancied her and there was definite 'chemistry' there. Whenever we happened to meet her it was awkward and you could tell she didn't want o speak to me.

Me and DH were going through a hard time at the time anyway. DS1 was a baby and we weren't really seeing eye to eye. We were on the verge of breaking up and I often wondered if this woman was possibly adding to the tenstions. Anyway, bottom line is that he left the job for totally unrelated reasons and he and this woman lost contact. They weren't really 'friends' as such, more work collegues, so didn't have each others mobile numbers or anything.

Anyway, years later, me and DH have recovered our marriage and gone on to have another child. I thought things were fine between us. I think they are. BUT today when we were out shopping he bumped into this woman. I didn't think too much of it but later he has sent her messages on facebook yet he's not actually friends with her on facebook so he has actively searched for her today. I know because he left his account logged in on the computer but anyway during these messages he manages to call her 'hun' say how nice it was to see her after all these years and his messages were all ended with a 'x'. She replies the same bullshit and then he asks for her phone number as he finds it easier to text than FB message.

So I know this. Knowing nothing has happened since he only sent the messages today but what do I do? Am I over reacting here? I feel very uncomfortable and I know I am probably being jealous and stupid. What do I do?

He's away camping with our eldest DS tonight so I have no doubt he's been texting this woman whilst there. I am so fucking angry but do I have a right to be? Could it be innocent? Bearing in mind he has not mentioned a thing about even bumping into her today, I feel like he's being shady messaging her without me knowing (only I do know but he doesn't know that!)

SO what do I say without just yelling and looking like a desperate twat?

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 01-Sep-13 03:19:08

If things are fine with him actually, why can't you say, "that woman and how you felt about her makes me uncomfortable. I think some of our issues were related to that. I would like us to be happy. Please don't contact her again."? Will he respect how you feel?

meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 03:24:01

Thank you. I think so but I don't know if it will just make me sound unreasonable. At the time of our difficulties 4 years ago, I felt he was too close to her even though he didn't have an affair. But a male friend of mine started to get flirty and 'interested' in me. Even though me and DH were having difficulties and weren't happy, I stopped the friendship with this other male because I knew no matter what I wouldn't go down like that. If we were over, it wasn't going to be because of me cheating. DH knows what happened (well nothing actually happened but he's aware of the situation) with this male friend of mine and I hae never contacted him. Blocked him on Facebook, erased his number and not spoken to him in 4 years. I feel heartbroken that DH hasn't shown me the same respect. He's actively sought her out in order to get in touch with her behind my back. It just makes me feel betrayed.

heidihole Sun 01-Sep-13 03:41:22

You could always say nothing so as not to alert him and get a look at his phone. If no messages then you know he's deleted them (check sent too) and that will ring alarm bells. If they are there you can read them. Do this before you alert him that you know he's in touch.

meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 03:48:48

Good idea but I don't know how I feel about going through his phone. Doesn't that seem a bit too much like I'm spying. Also if they have been deleted how the hell do I accuse him without telling him I've searched his phone? I'm just so sad. All this secrecy and checking up on him. I never wanted us to be like this. I am so disappointed.

VortexOfDisaster Sun 01-Sep-13 04:18:44

I would be furious if my DH sought contact with a woman in this sort of situation. I agree with MrsTerryPratchett, and would definitely confront him immediately. If he is not going to respect your feelings about this, then that is a problem.

Seriously - what were his intentions in seeking her out and asking for her phone number?

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 01-Sep-13 04:32:12

The fact of the matter is that he may have liked her as a friend at work, possibly there was an attraction, he left work. He bumped into an old colleague and FBed her. Really nothing to write home about. He left his FB open which he wouldn't have done if he was starting an affair. Unless there is something to worry about.

Either way just tell him how you feel. Be honest. Ask for what you need.

VortexOfDisaster Sun 01-Sep-13 05:04:09

Yes, of course - it might be nothing; you will only find out by asking.

I do think, though, that the fact there was an issue in the past involving this woman means seeking her out was at the very least insensitive. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, and it did not turn out to be innocent.

I really hope it is just catching up with an old friend. Good luck, and I hope you have someone in RL to chat to.

Quiltcover Sun 01-Sep-13 08:13:50

I understand how you feel. I would be upset too especially with the history behind it. Putting kisses at the end if messages to a woman you hadn't seen for years would ring alarm bells a little.

I think you need to hold fire for a bit though. Keep an eye on things. Jot down the woman's phone number given to your dh from FB. Is it in your dh phone? If so under her name? It is easy to get your head turned, I think more do for men who are often more vulnerable to seeking attention!

If they are going to text etc, it will prob hear up the next week or so. Is he any different? More sparky or distant?

If you feel he is texting her. I would just be honest and say you saw on FB that he had contacted her as his page was open. You are surprised he didn't mention it given the history. Why not? Then ask what further contact he's had outside FB.

Fwiw I think asking for a private mobile number is a bit hmm, absolutely no need and is not the behaviour if a married man to be having secret chats with someone he has history with.

meandtheboys Sun 01-Sep-13 12:58:06

Exactly quiltcover. That's how I feel that it's just not the behaviour of a married man. He's still away with DS1 at the minute but they should be home in a few hours. I keep swinging wildly between anger and confronting him as soon as the boys are in bed, then maybe just gently asking to see if he owns up to anything. Then I start feeling so hurt that I just don't know what to do. Right now I'm in the anger phase but 5 minutes ago I was actually feeling sorry for him when technically he hasn't done anything yet. I just feel betrayed. Utterly pissed off. I just find it so disrespectful. I would never ever get back in contact with the male friend I had because I wouldn't want to reopen that can of worms. He so obviously doesn't feel the same.

SuzySuzSuz Sun 01-Sep-13 14:09:00

What about asking him in a general manner if they're still in touch or would get back in touch to see if he lies about the Facebook / mobile number?

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sun 01-Sep-13 15:25:27

I wouldn't be okay with this personally. If it were me I would do as others have suggested and check his phone when he gets home.

If there's nothing to be found, then talk to him calmly about it and say you'd rather they weren't

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sun 01-Sep-13 15:28:30

I wouldn't be okay with this personally. If it were me I would do as others have suggested and check his phone when he gets home.

If there's nothing to be found, then talk to him calmly about it and say you'd rather they weren't in contact in that way. Not mentioning seeing her is what rings alarm bells for me.

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sun 01-Sep-13 15:30:02

Argh sorry, entered too soon

ALittleStranger Sun 01-Sep-13 16:28:52

I think you're justified to be angry/suspicious. Contacting someone you bump into after a long time apart isn't that unusual, but I do find it odd that he's instantly asked for her number, fallen straight back into very chummy chat etc. When I bump into old sort of friend's it can be lovely but there's often a distance there at first IYSWIM.

I would mention something...

Quiltcover Sun 01-Sep-13 19:54:50

Have you said anything op?

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 09:27:58

Thanks for asking after me! Well I confronted him. (I did note down her phone number so I can check his phone later if I feel suspicious). It ended with an argument because DH, as expected said it was all totally innocent. I got angry and explained how it felt to me and the fact that he hadn't mentioned it despite knowing how much it would make me uncomfortable. He said that was the reason he hadn't said anything because he knew it would be awkward. I told him in that case he shouldn't have fucking done it then! If he knew it would make me feel awkward. I then asked him how he'd feel if he found messages from another bloke (especially one he had suspicions about fancying me) with kisses and calling him 'hun' etc. He agreed that yes he'd be pissed off. That is when he kind of mellowed and accepted that it was wrong what he'd done. Apparently the woman is now getting married and she only wanted to be in touch to invite us to the wedding. I am not entirely sure I believe this since it doesn't say on her facebook that she's in a relationship or engaged and it seems a bit of a get out clause to me. There are also no pictures whatso ever of her on her profile with her and another man. This rang alarm bells with me. Surely there'd be some photos of her and her fiance?!

Anyway, he claims he knows he was wrong and is 'sorry'. I am actually convinced he's sorry but only because he's sorry he got caught. I have no doubts that if I hadn't have accidentally found these messages that he would have text her. I don't think it would have necessarily turned into anything more but I explained how much I will doubt him now because he has planted those seeds. How could he expect me to believe him from now on. He understands this and has said he won't text her or contact her again. I did explain that it wasn't the fact that he was in touch with her, more the fact the he was in touch with her behind my back. how would he have explained her inviting us to the wedding (if indeed there is going to be a wedding?????!) Hmmmm.

Over all, I'm glad I confronted him but I still feel hurt. I still feel betrayed even though I know nothing happened or would have happened. It's the deceit and the shadiness of it all. I don't know if he'll contact her. I really don't know. I just hope if he does and they are just 'friends' then he will have the decency to tell me about it. My worry is, that now he knows he's been 'caught out' that he will just go to more effort to keep it secret. He'd be a fucking fool if he betrays me again. If one more incident like this occurs, I have made it clear I will not tolerate it. We have always been best friends. Been together for 12 years and known each other since school. If he's prepared to jeapordise all that for some other woman then he's an idiot. I think we will talk more tonight. Hopefully it won't end in argument but it all needed to be said.

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 09:41:58

You did well to catch it when you did and its obvious he had some bad intentions there regarding this woman. He sought her out even though he knew it was wrong and has also seemingly lied about why he did. Fb is a terrible thing and I think the route of a lot of relationship woes. They don't call it fuckbook for nothing!
I hope you can get back on track. Although now I suspect you'll be watching your back from now on.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 09:50:34

Exactly Mojave. I feel like he's turned me into a paranoid jealous bitch. Even when he knew her years ago I wasn't watching him like this. Not it's the fact that he kept it secret that hurts. What an fool sad .

I would have trusted him with my life. I never feel the need to go through his phone or check who every one of his friends are on facebook. We've never had any jealousy or trust issues before. Now I am on high alert and it doesn't feel good. I want him to know quite how much he has damaged us and it will take a long long time to fix that. I also want him to knw that I really do not believe she is getting married. whether she just said that to make DH jealous and make her seem desirable or whether he's made it up to try and place me, I don't know.

I just don't feel like I trust him anymore. Not that he cheated on me but that he could lie and keep secrets about something so hurtful and potentially damaging. It has made me question everything. Who is he really texting?? Who are all his friends on facebook?? Who is he really meeting up with etc?? I've never ever felt like this before with him. It' jut so sad over something so stupid. What an idiot. I told him that heshowed poor judgement and a lack or respect. That won't be mended over night! I would just have never ever trated him with such disrespect. I have way too much love and respect for him and our marriage. I told him to be very considerate over his next moves because it will shape our family and our children't lives forever. He then cried and said he really didn't mean to be such a horrible person. I do believe he would never want to hurt the boys but he just didn't even think how this would affect US which in turn obviously could ruin everything.

meandtheboys Mon 02-Sep-13 09:51:44

^ Placate me ^ not place me!

Looksgoodingravy Mon 02-Sep-13 10:42:05

You did the best thing confronting your dh. Hopefully this has put a stop to things going further.

Take a look at Just 'Good Friends' by Shirley Glass and read it with your dh. It has sections describing the 'slippery slope' leading to an affair.

Unfortunately I didn't find out about dp until things had gone too far but his story started the same. The reconnection with 'old friends', the fb messages turning to fb chat and then mobile texting. The names of the women were saved as men's names on dp's phone btw and I think this is quite a common thing the cheater does judging by other stories I've read on here.

I hope you can sort this out.

MexicanHat Mon 02-Sep-13 10:52:48

How does your H know she is getting married and wants to invite you to the wedding? Presumably you would have seen this yourself if your read the Facebook messages? If not how does he know?

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 11:27:11

I think you did the right thing op. I understand the hurt. My dh has behaved like this on occasion and you start to get paranoid and have trust issues. It's not that you think they are going to meet and shag, but its the in appropriateness and secrecy. You're never quite sure what the full picture is.

When married for a long time, it is upsetting to think of either partner being attracted sexually to other people. I try to think of it as neither partner is dead and its natural to find people attractive. Indeed I can pick out women who my partner would like and vice versa. We tend to joke about it, which I feel takes the risk and excitement out of any potential in appropriateness.

Secrecy damages relationships. Your dh knows he messed up. He liked the attention. Very hurtful to his wife who is devoted to him. Cliche I know but try to spend nice time together.

beaglesaresweet Mon 02-Sep-13 11:39:33

Mexican - because he's bumped in to her of course, and she presumable told him about the wedding!

beaglesaresweet Mon 02-Sep-13 11:42:51

OP I don't think he'd lie about the wedding as it's easy for you to check (i.e. when and where is the wedding), so he wouldn't do that.
But did he say why did he take her mobile number - that was crossing the line tbh, unless it was just for arrangements re wedding.

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