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DH never apologises, its ALWAYS someone else's fault, now becoming unbearable but don't know how to move on.please help

(173 Posts)
ilovelilos Sat 31-Aug-13 12:46:30

DH and I are in a terrible place. Been together 10 years, had a long period of secondary infertility in which he was extremely unsupportive, even though the problem was his, now we have moved on from that.
But now he is never able to see when he is at fault. And never apologises. It is always someone else's fault to the point of very cleverly imagining scenarios to twist it round so he is innocent.

I am by no means perfect but am definitely able to say sorry and move on.
He on the other hand calls me controlling if I ask for an apology, or says people are too sensitive if they have been upset by him. It's always me that need counselling, he says he is fine.

If it was the occasional episode I would ignore and move on without getting an apology, its just not worth the grief from him, but now its constant. I don't know how to carry on, every day brings new problems.

In front of our DD he has just told me to leave, get away from him, he doesn't want me around. That upsets me so much. I've told him in the past to stop talking like this in front of DD but his temper flares and you cant stop him.
Ive tried talking calmly and reasonably to him, suggesting marriage counselling but its always turned round to the fact that I need help, I've had a difficult childhood ( not true at all, we are a very close family). Its actually him with family issues.

Totally frustrated and unhappy, any ideas.

Thank you for reading x

AnyFucker Sat 07-Sep-13 22:38:25

can anybody be bovvered to address that last comment ?

I am currently transfixed by the drying of paint on my skirting board

OxfordBags Sat 07-Sep-13 22:46:20

I'm too busy laughing my colon out of my eyes.

AnyFucker Sat 07-Sep-13 22:55:23


Jux Sat 07-Sep-13 23:21:47

Oh dear. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Lilos, I am a practical person and I do understand the need to just get on with things, but that involves sorting them out, not burying my head in the sand. It means looking at my mistakes, talking about them in order to learn not to make the same mistake again, and yes, apologising; particularly if the mistake was a serious one with bad repercussions.

Does your dh apologise at work? Does he apologise at all, to anyone? Does he reserve his obsuracy for you?

ChasedByBees Sun 08-Sep-13 07:32:27

I'm sorry Lilo, I don't get the present thing either. From your DD's perspective (I don't know how old she is) but this will appear to her as, "my life was/is at risk which upset mum so mum got a present to make her feel better." She is nowhere in that. Where's her apology or reassurance it won't happen again?

Even if she's a baby, steps to ensure that it won't happen again FOR HER SAKE - and that's through genuine exploration of what happened and why and real remorse, leading to a resolve that this will never be repeated. A present isn't any kind of resolution to this and it can't take the place of true understanding and remorse. Even if the present had been for her as the (truly) injured party.

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 07:59:50

She wanted a present, not for the present itself, but because of what buying it meant.
By him buying it, to her, it meant he was a bit sorry, that he understood that she was upset, that he cared that she was upset even though he cant feel that he can say it unless very forced, that he still cares about her etc.

She says that he did actually say sorry too about what happened.

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 08:01:52

I presume it wasnt for the present itself as well, but that would be for the op to say.

Mindmaps Sun 08-Sep-13 08:32:01

So she should sacrifice her own self worth and compromise her child's safety to give her early partner a safe space to express himself hmm

Mindmaps Sun 08-Sep-13 08:32:27

Ea not early

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 09:12:06

She should not compromise her childs safety.

You see threads on here all the time where virtually all parents say that they have made a mistake, health and safety wise, at least once, with their children.

A man giving a woman something is sacrificing her self worth? hmm

scallopsrgreat Sun 08-Sep-13 09:21:42

I think you are right yellowballoons. I think the present was to signify some remorse on his part because she had tried everything else.

"She says that he did actually say sorry too about what happened." She hasn't actually. She said he is finally showing some remorse, 6 days after the event. Look at how far things had to go and how hard it was to get that remorse out of him. That is not really an apology is it?

Remind me again why you are so invested in minimising his behaviour and attitude, yellowballoons?

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 10:37:10

See second line of op's post on thurs 20.49pm

will explain the rest again, if I have to, later. Got to go out.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Sep-13 10:50:26

ilovelilos Thu 05-Sep-13 20:49:02

Thank you for the continued support.
Health issue problem continues. We are going to the doctors tomorrow, together. He has admitted he did wrong, said an unconvincing apology, but denies he knew it was wrong at the time. I believe he did know at the time but he is very arrogant and didn't think and now wont admit it.

This post? Sorry, where does it say that he apologised?

OxfordBags Sun 08-Sep-13 10:53:05

No, yellowballoons, I think it's you that needs stuff explaining to. A present in lieu of an apology is disgusting. It represents the opposite of remorse actually. Any idiot or bastard can give a present instead of feeling or demonstrating remorse, any understanding of what they've done wrong or any commitment to change or cease certain things. Furthermore, the OP's OH didn't even buy the gift of his own volition, she asked for it. She tried to find some little way to make him show remorse and in the end had to tell him how to, and then he grumbled about it!

A person who will accept a gift instead of genuine remorse or apology or addressing the real problem, must have had some really sad aspects of childhood. They must have learnt early that their feelings don't really matter, but hey, here's a bar of chocolate to say sorry we do 't care about you enough. A person demeans themselves by accepting a substitute for genuine concern for their feelings and needs, and more than that, it actually encourages the person who has hurt them to believe that they can get away with things so long as they present a bunch of flowers or nip down H Samuel or whatever.

It's actually a classic trait of an abuser to give gifts instead of true remorse or changing their behaviour.

And apart from all that, the focus about the remorse should not be about how much the OH has hurt the OP's feelings, it should be about the fact he could've killed their child! Talk about warped priorities. Fuck getting a present, fuck healing the twembling ickle puppy-man, get that little girl away from this cunt.

And I too want to know why you are so invested in minimising, yb. I suspect it is to do with why you asked if I was a Christian.

scallopsrgreat Sun 08-Sep-13 10:57:55

I missed that (despite reading the post several times confused). Not exactly convincing though is it? No remorse. Didn't actually think he'd done anything wrong at the time. Unconvincing and 4 days after the event hmm

Previous points still stand.

LittleMissMarker Sun 08-Sep-13 11:14:18

He is sorry. He just cant say it. You need to teach him to say it

yellowballoons, I don’t think it is sensible to expect ilovelilos to teach him (or worse still “train” him) to apologise. He would first have to want to learn, and over 10 years he has shown no sign of that.

And what is the evidence that he does feel sorry? You are assuming he must feel it, but possibly he doesn’t. MNRelationships does get some partners of abusers and even sociopaths, more so than other relationship boards I’ve read, and abusers and sociopaths often do not feel remorse.

Think of him as a scared emotionally wounded puppy that you got from a rescue centre. He is emotionally speaking, cowering under the table

But a scared wounded animal (emotionally or otherwise) is dangerous. And lilo’s husband is not puppy-size, he is a fully grown man with adult responsibilities (emotional and physical) which he is failing to meet. You cannot safely leave a wounded puppy (or an emotional five-year-old) to look after a small child.

you do seem like you are not going to leave him anytime soon.

Oh I dunno, there’ve been some surprising turn-arounds here.

She wanted a present, not for the present itself, but because of what buying it meant. ….

Yes, that is why lilo wants the present. But if the apology and the present are just a grudging attempt to get her off his back and not an expression of genuine regret for endangering his daughter then it would be demeaning for her to accept them. lilo and her DD need real remorse and a commitment to do better in future, and lilo should not be fobbed off with a present instead. I don’t know what is the truth about him, but at the very least he seems seriously emotionally inadequate as a parent (and husband) and he may be physically dangerous.

LittleMissMarker Sun 08-Sep-13 11:20:34

Sorry, should have said "^I expect^ that's why lilo wants the present". Don't want to put words into your mouth ilovelilos.

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 13:39:48

I have more or less answered everything here.
Up to the op what she does about her husband and her marriage.

OxfordBags Sun 08-Sep-13 14:23:25

I think you're backing out of explaining yourself properly, yellow, because you know that what you're saying doesn't hold water and can't be explained sufficiently, but I'm not going to press you, because this thread is about the OP.

Jux Sun 08-Sep-13 14:34:05

Poor op. I have not seen such determined derailing of a thread for a long time. Maybe you should start another and hope that the debate simply continues here? YB, you should be ashamed of yourself.

AnyFucker Sun 08-Sep-13 14:43:16

It is quite inexplicable really. When I see this level of determination to excuse bad behaviour in a partner, one can only assume the apologiser is staying in a similar situation and that seeing someone else elect to make the same decision somehow validates their own.

yellowballoons Sun 08-Sep-13 14:56:53

Dear op
I understand if you choose not to post on this thread again. It must be quite scary for you to repost.
I hope that you have some ideas about what to do next.
best wishes

AllThatGlistens Sun 08-Sep-13 16:40:52


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