Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Hand holding ? He's leaving... Again...(213 Posts)
NC as I know a few people in RL on here, I don't yet want to discuss this situation with them...
DP just home from his holidays, 2 days ago, he seemed distant, I asked him why, he says he loves me but isn't happy, que me having a melt down and a massive panic attack... This then lead him to tell me we will discuss it tomorrow in fear I will lose control again.
Now I've been up since 6am, unable to grasp the current situation, trying to entertain my DC, while he is STILL sleeping.
I'm pregnant, due in over a month, and can't seem to deal with knowing I will be a single parent again, this is his first DC and I feel he feels trapped, responsibilities have gotten too much for him? Now I'm waiting on him to wake up, no doubt to start packing and leave me for good...
How am I going to cope? I emotionally don't think I can, the thought of single parent life again with a baby in toll freaks me out, I'm scared, labour myself, Christmas myself, night feeds myself, emotional stress with no one to hand hold, god I don't want him to go. How can we make this bbetter? Did he have that much of a good holiday that he has realised that is the life he would rather have
Please give me some advice, what do I say when he wakes up? (Worried he will flip if I try address the situation as soon as he gets up, and then make it worse) how do I deal with this? Can we make it work? He is holding all the cards and I can't deal with it
Help, lovely mnetters xx
Hand hold over here. I'm so sorry you're in such a tough situation.
Does he have form for telling you he is leaving?
I really don't see what you can do. If he wants to leave and you beg you are going to push him further away
Oh sweetheart, I have no advice but hand holding until someone smarter and wiser comes along.
A week before he went on holiday we had a massive blow out, he was "leaving" the next day we managed to sort it out, only then he was drunk when saying this... Last night he was sober...
My heart feels ripped out, I feel like its all my fault..
Let him go.
And don't be too hasty to take him back when he ..
1) gets sick of the other women
2) realises the grass is greener
3) suddenly remembers his responsibilities when he runs out of clean underpants
4) thinks he has punished you enough so that you will stop being such a nag and expecting him to be a proper partner and impending father
Firstly.....please....think about yourself. Have you eaten this morning?? Deep breaths and keep calm. Whatever happens YOU WILL BE OK. He is out of order to start all this shit a month off due date.
He has left you before? Why did he leave last time?
To be honest being distant and he 'loves you but is not happy' seem to be indicating another woman. Who did he go on holiday with? Who did he meet?
You can't make it work. You can drive yourself into the ground attempting to be his perfect woman but unless he wants to make it work and works with you it isn't going to happen. You cannot make it work alone just destroy yourself attempting.
Harsh as this seems you need to make sure he leaves and leaves for good. Coming and going is not good for you or your DC.
You need to spend the next few months concentrating on and caring for you. Not dealing with a head fuck of will he won't he.
You have been a single parent before. You can do it. It will be bloody hard but you will not have to worry every time he is quiet that he is not happy and is about to up and leave and cause chaos again and again.
Being strong and independent may make him see what he is missing. If it doesn't, his loss.
What I would also add is if this is how he is behaving now....it'll get worse when baby comes. Do you want him laying in bed til 11am when you've been up doing night feeds?? You'll prob be better off alone if that's what he brings to the party! Also....why was he on hol without you if you're heavily preg?? Is he a good partner??
Sorry x-post with your reasons for him 'leaving' before.
Last night he got really upset, crying when I had my panic attack, he has never seen me like that.. He says its not normal, and wonders what harm
I have brought to the baby, I feel cramp now, I got in such a state,
He will walk away with barley a scratch and there's me, left on my own, dealing with life at its hardest, god this is the hardest thing, I woke up thinking it was a dream, until reality hit...
If he goes. I know I can't take him back, I know that once he's gone he's gone and that's it... Truly heartbreaking
What a shithead, OP.
This is my advice. Get something to eat and try to stay calm and in control. Also, try not to think too far ahead and worry about how you will cope months into the future. One day at a time.
He went away with a group of friends, possibly cheated, i didnt think he would though, but now, not so sure...
maybe he thinks life is better since he had his single week of life...
I wish I could be the woman he wants, I wish I knew what I have done wrong
He worries what harm YOU have done to the baby? Sheesh. When he gets up I would ensure his bags are ready on the doorstep.
Hand holding here, sorry you are going through this at a time when you already feel quite vulnerable.
I think others are right (Anyfucker) in that if he's made his mind up to go there's probably nothing you can do to stop him so keep calm (easier said than done I know) reach out to someone in RL and just think about looking after yourself today.
I am a few weeks down the line from where you are although did not have a pregnancy to cope with and the best advice I have been given is to just try and get through today and not worry too much about tomorrow right now.
Anyone who can go off on holiday on his own when his partner is heavily pregnant is a selfish sod, sorry you are going through this but none of it will be to do with anything you have done. It will be down to him alone.
Going on holiday without you while you are 8 months pregnant says all you need to know about this man.
So sorry you are going through this. heartbreak OP but you really are better off without this selfish, thoughtless tosser.
Thank you all for your kind words...
I have been here before and I think it makes it worse, baby as a constant reminder, I feel so sorry for my unborn child, being brought in to this, I feel so guilty,
In my head, I know I should just pack his bags and wave him off, but my heart is stopping me, the thought of life alone again is horrible,
I feel I have been left all of my life, father walked out, DC father walked out and now him?! God I must be the worst catch a man could ever want... Lowest point by far....
He says its not normal, and wonders what harm I have brought to the baby How did he expect you to react? With soft smiles and calmness? You are 8 months pregnant, he dumps this bombshell and then tells you you may have harmed the baby!
Nice guy not!
I doubt that one panic is going to harm your baby in the slightest. Try not to worry and feel bad about that. Easier said than done I know.
Are you prone to panic attacks? Do you need some help to enable you to manage these? If so get to the doctors and get whatever help you can.
Even if not, get to the doctor or your mid wife and explain the current situation and let them help and support you. Friends and family too. Don't try and deal with this all on your own.
Having been a single parent you will already know a lot but take some time find out all the help and support you can get and use it. Knowing what you can have helps reduce the fear of OMG how am I going to cope.
Honestly why would you want to hold onto someone who is thinking of leaving just as his baby is due? What a lightweight. Is he scared he won't be the centre of your world any more? If he stays it's probably delaying the inevitable. Kick him out, he won't be expecting that. And you never know it might be the wake up call he needs to realise that it's a family life that he wants.
And grrr saying YOU we're harming the baby....
You have been there for your DC and done it all when their dad walked out. You are the best mother you can be to them. You will be to this new baby.
Don't measure yourself by men but by your children.
Also maybe your radar for twats is off as your dad left you.
Perhaps some help to ensure you don't repeat again with the same sort of twat.
I look at my Dsis and see her life, marriage and kids, and they are so happy, I just wonder why it's me that can't have that... I am so envious, I just want someone to love, and be happy with..
God I'm wallowing in self-pitty... No wonder I'm on my own...
I want to wake him up, I just need to know, but dread I will make the situation worse and I really don't want DC experiencing anything they shouldn't (my emotional distress)
Do you think any relationship is better than none at all ? Please, think again.
What happened to you in your formative years that you would still cling on despite being treated like shit
Find your self respect, take control and tell him he is leaving. I reckon he will back right down because he doesn't really want to lose his soft landing, he just wants that and a doormat who will let him do what he wants while she raises his kid, turns a blind eye to womanising and behaves like a domestic appliance.
you are better than that.
Can you go out for a bit so that you are not actually there when he wakes up? Go for a walk or take dc to the cinema or something. Maybe he'll be the one to worry if you are behaving independently rather than waiting on him to make all the decisions. Try not to give him all the power. How old is he by the way? He's behaving like a kid! Good luck x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.