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Abusive ex has cost me so much..and still is

(36 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Fri 30-Aug-13 23:51:18

I left my alcoholic and v abusive ex fiance for good this summer after a few failed tries before. I have absolutely commited to it this time and felt i was in a much better place than previous attempts.. despite the trauma of the abuse, and leaving home, job, pet , possessions etc behind. (and having to move back in with parents..where i still am for now) I have never ever been one to go quickly into a new relationship but I started seeing a guy who had been a friend for a short time and it progressed into more. It all just happened naturally and for me it was breaking the mould.. i didnt want to spend years single like i had after other breakups, as felt ex had cost me enough years as it was. Also that life is too short and get on with it ( a friend died tragically and unexpectedly this summer..same age as me.. it gave me such a kick up the bum to try and live in the moment).. it all felt right with him.
We were so happy and full of hope for the future..preferably together.
But to cut a long story ex guessed (without real evidence) that i was seeing him. Obviously it's none of his business, but my ex is a very, very sick man (and in denial about it and refuses treatment). They used to be friendly(but more like acquaintances). He took it as a massive betrayal. This whole week ex has kicked off harrassing me, my family, friends and this new guy (not physical harrassment..he doesnt drive and can't get here). As a guy has dumped me and run a mile. I don't blame him ( i can't go into details but it was really , really spiteful and malicious, what my ex did.. opened up massive wounds) I'm completely heartbroken.
I did the right thing by leaving but it made no difference. The abuse followed me. I had every chance of happiness with this guy. My ex has won..the evil bully has won. And this guy admits he has..he thought he could handle it but really in the heat of things he could not. I knew what my ex was capable of.. new guy had no experience of vicious, vitriolic abusers.
I am waiting for my domestic violence advisor to call me,she's on annual leave. I know i will have to get an order in place now. But that's not going to bring this guy back. He has made it quite clear it's totally final. Because my ex won't let me go, i'm a liability. Even though i fled and am two counties away. It's too much risk and baggage for anyone new. My ex will stop at nothing to punish me for leaving him . He told everyone he'd split us..and he succeeded. He had aces up his sleeve to break my new guy and he used them.
I am utterly broken.
I know some people will think, well i'm better off without this new guy if he runs like this. but what my ex did cut to the core. and this new guy isn't in the strongest of places or rather hadnt been and my ex played on that to rip the plaster off as it were.. but together we were so strong and moving forward hand in hand. Until this.
Please be kind , i am in pieces i have been crying non stop for two days. I feel i have nothing to live for or look forward to at all. We were so happy and falling for each other.
My parents are angry i'm crying all the time and my dad shouts at me for getting involved with my ex in the first place and i've brought it all on myself. but he'd been dry for 6yrs..we had 3 good years (out of our 4) until in the last year he picked up the bottle again.
This new guy is totally through with me and its another loss..but this is the worst one i've had as a result of leaving. And this should've been my happy new beginning.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 13:40:13

I feel so alone. I go to Al Anon but it's not enough. I see a counseller for 50 mins a week.
I just miss the new guy so much. We were solid friends before anything else. I mourn his friendship. And ex has taken away my chance of happiness there. Of course it may not have worked out. But it may have been wonderful. Me and new guy both clicked on every level. We just 'got' each other. We wanted the same things. and ex has taken that chance from us..and i'll never know what might have been.. i feel sick physically and emotionally. Why did new guy have to take it out on me by ending it, and not on my ex. Ex has got away with it.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 31-Aug-13 13:49:09

Try contacting Shelter to see if they can help with your housing situation.
Just take small steps at a time, whatever you can handle and slowly you'll work through it.

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 31-Aug-13 13:53:40

If new guy is mentally fragile, then he did the right thing in protecting himself by disengaging. Both of you tangled up in your ex's mess would not have helped. Who knows how bad new guy feels about this?

Maybe at some point you may come across each other and perhaps renew at least a friendship. But the first thing is to get strong enough to stand on your own. In fact, you sound strong enough, but hobbled by your situation. Sounds like refuge would be best way forward?

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 16:04:11

yes may have to be. All i know is i'm cut up and miss this guy terribly and gone from being in an exciting start to a potential new relationship to hell and goodbyes without warning

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 16:05:30

well there was warning i guess but i didnt want to believe ex would stoop that low (it's cost him friends, doing this..but that doesn't help me) and i thought new man would weather it. I don't blame him for not being able to. I'm just so devastated. not just lost him but all our plans. and i really do think, there's no going back. I have to move on.......yet again

Hissy Sat 31-Aug-13 18:15:46

Your dad is carrying on where your ex left off. He should be ashamed of himself.


Get out of there. Don't tell your parents, just make the plans with whoever you need to and GO!

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 02:16:40

My ex kicked off again tonight threatening my best friend and other friends and sending me some vile messages. I need to talk to police in the morning so please wish me luck and strength..i know i won't be getting any sleep tonight.
I only havent rang them tonight as my parents are stopping me and asking me to wait till morning. Their house, their rules..
As for the new guy, i'm so disappointed and devastated. he emailed me and is accusing me of perhaps having a part in what my ex did to him. Which is unbelievable when he knew just how scared i was to lose him (and how my ex is abusing me still). But..he's been speaking to my ex, who tried to apologise to him. It sounds like whilst he's not fully accepted the apology, he is again doubting me, and believing my ex's lies. I'm sickened by that. This is a guy i was falling in love with..and slept with. It's vile. that he could doubt me when he's seen with his own eyes what my ex has done. It's like he's taking out what ex has done, on me :-(
Why do people keep taking the side of the abuser, or at least, doubting the victim? i can't take much more and if i lose my best mate over this (she's blaming me for not getting an injunction before) that will be it.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 02:17:52

what's the difference between injunction and restraining order? do you think they'll take me seriously, as i refused to do it before? i was too scared, and was being blackmailed. I'm so scared as he still has my he could punish me for this

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 02:19:36

i guess this is classic abuse? my ex trying to scare off would be suitors, and manipulate people into thinking i'm wrong/ bad? why do so many people fall for the lies of abusers? my ex is very charming /manipulative though and can often come across as a functioning alcoholic.

Hissy Tue 03-Sep-13 07:54:47

Call refuge and get to a shelter. Change your numbers and don't ever speak to your 'parents' again.

The people around you are poisonous, they are disgusting.

Normal people would call the police for you ffs, they enjoy watching you suffer! sad

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 03-Sep-13 09:29:47

You need to get to safety now, your parents I am afraid are part of the problem and they won't help you stay safe. You need to get out of there asap.
Don't tell them what you are doing just arrange it and go so they don't have a chance to stop you or take the things you need from you like a car, passport ID etc.
Get in touch with WA explain how you are unsafe where you are and you need help to get to safety.
Don't let anyone stop you going to the police. Be strong you can do it.

With regards the potential new man if he's in such a bad place mentally that his head is being turned by what your ex says, have some sympathy that he is susceptible to the abuse and lies your ex spews and is therefore nowhere near in a good enough place to evaluate a proper relationship, he will just do what he is told by whoever is overwhelming him. He may in time fix this but right now unfortunately you need him out of your life as well because he will cause you more pain by switching his opinion with the wind even when you know he knows the truth.

Brutal as it may seem, you need people around you now who believe you and can be there for you when the going is bad. Cut out the rest, for now at least, this may become permanent. This goes for all friends and relatives, especially your parents. I would be so angry at them for bringing me up to believe I have no right to a voice of my own and have to accept being treated in such as way.

You do have a right to be treated with respect and dignity and love at all times. Not just when they think you are being a good girl.

After all that get some counselling to help heal what your parents have done to you. You are using a model of behaviour picked up from them as an ideal for picking partners and probably some friends. Learn how to spot those who will do the same to you and remember just because its on a less level or involves different tactics doesn't mean its not abusive behaviour that you don't need to tolerate.

Best wishes for the future.

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