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Please help me decide if I am overreacting!

(25 Posts)
Enjayy Thu 29-Aug-13 18:35:57

I am a long time lurker, but I'm so angry and upset about this that I need someone impartial to help me! I hope someone can sad

The back story; I moved to a new city 2 years ago into the spare room of a friend who has now become my bf. Unfortunately due to some problems in the relationship (he didn't want to include me in his life, I always felt on the periphery and like I had no life of my own to counteract this) I decided to move out 4 months ago. He seemed fine with this as it would give us a chance to 'date' and have our own lives too. We were still very much bf and gf, and in fact things were in general much much better, we were even looking at houses to buy together.

However, he still struggled with having me as an actual part of his life. Don't get me wrong, I don't want total control of him or knowledge of everything he does... But basic things like him going on holiday or getting a new job were things he just "forgot" to tell me about!!

Now... He has had a female friend staying in his house before she can move into her new house. I've never met this woman (and he's never mentioned her before). I didn't have a problem with that really, he was helping her out. But then he decided that as she had moved here from overseas she should see some of Europe, so they're on holiday this week. Then, the day before he left, it came up in conversation that they are sharing hotel rooms all week!! I was so hurt and upset that he thinks that is appropriate, and didn't think to mention that small detail.

We spoke on the phone last night, and he says I am being ridiculous and abnormal to think that this is a problem. I really don't think he would cheat, but to me sleeping in the same room is intimate, and he should have at least let me know that this was happening?!

Sorry this is so long, I guess this is just the latest in a long list of things that I have felt hurt and rejected by. He can be lovely and fun to be around...but only for a short while before he goes off to do something that doesn't involve mesad

Am I being too needy and possessive?!! Would you be ok with your partner in the same room as a woman you'd never met??

hillyhilly Thu 29-Aug-13 18:37:56

I'd say you're not being at all needy or posessive but he is not treating you as a girlfriend or partner and I am astonished that he has spoken about buying a house with you as he sounds very half hearted - sorry

Hatpin Thu 29-Aug-13 18:53:57

No you are not being needy or possessive at all. Your expectations of a gf/bf relationship are perfectly normal.

Unfortunately he is treating you as little more than a FWB...and now he appears to be acting as a free agent with his new 'friend'.

Please don't waste one more second of your life on this man.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 29-Aug-13 19:20:23

He's going on holiday with this woman and they are, or will be, sleeping together. He's not treating you as a girlfriend at all at the moment.

oreoaddict Thu 29-Aug-13 19:25:27

Sorry, but I agree with the above.

I don't think you're being possessive, you're reacting completely normally under the circumstances. It sounds as though he's just twisting things around on you, so that you start to question yourself. He must know what he's doing could hurt you, even if he's not actually having an affair, which you don't believe anyway.

I agree with Hat, don't waste any more time with this one. He clearly doesn't respect you.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 19:27:19

I wouldn't be 'OK' with any of it.

I could bang on for ages, but really, to sum it up 'He's not that into you'.

RUN while you don't have any financial ties or children with him. Go and find someone who thinks the world of you and you can be happy with.

Josie314 Thu 29-Aug-13 19:28:41

I would have been seriously miffed if any of my bfs got a new job without telling me. He is treating you like friends with benefits. I would tell him to shape up or get lost.

You may be surprised though - I had a bf a bit like this (although not to this extent) and when I said that I wasn't going to deal with it and he had to treat me better, I was shocked at how seriously he took it. We've been married for 6 years now. I think he just had no idea how he was supposed to behave in a serious relationship.

Josie314 Thu 29-Aug-13 19:30:59

Oh, and while I agree he should have mentioned it and asked for permission, I do think it is possible he doesn't consider sharing a bed with her a big deal. I would not assume he plans to sleep with her without other evidence.

FetchezLaVache Thu 29-Aug-13 19:49:41

What form does "not being included in his life" take? Have you been introduced to his friends/family as his GF, are you included in the invitation if he gets asked to parties, weddings etc?

Nothing wrong with not living in each other's pockets, of course, but I think he perhaps takes it a bit far. And I think going on holiday with a woman you've apparently not met and sharing a room is, IMO, a bit inappropriate.

I agree with Chipping- time to draw a line under this one, not be getting yourself further entangled.

FetchezLaVache Thu 29-Aug-13 19:50:56

(For clarification- I mean him going away with a woman you've not met, obviously I realise he's met her!)

Vivacia Thu 29-Aug-13 19:58:45

I think he's moved on to the next relationship and just can't bring himself to tell you. I'd presume that our relationship was over and treat him accordingly if you see/hear from him again.

IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep Thu 29-Aug-13 20:00:38

I don't often bring out the LTB but in this case I think you should. Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who very much wants you in their life?

BoffinMum Thu 29-Aug-13 20:03:22

I agree, he's just not that into you. Have a bit of pride and find someone who adores you. Life is too short to do otherwise.

PrincessKitKat Thu 29-Aug-13 20:09:24

You're not being unreasonable and you're not overreacting.

I would be very hurt if he was my BF.

Fairenuff Thu 29-Aug-13 20:55:08

As far as he is concerned, he is not in a relationship with you.

He is treating you badly, you should end it and move on with your life.

clam Thu 29-Aug-13 21:22:47

And in virtually all hotel rooms I've ever stayed in, there are double beds. How's that going to work out then?
Oh, wait a moment...

lilithtime Fri 30-Aug-13 00:59:58

He's not your BF in his head. Cut your losses OP, he is treating you like crap!

Enjayy Fri 30-Aug-13 14:42:40

Thank you everyone, I think you have all said what I was too scared too admit. Josie - I've been holding on for that realisation to happen to my bf...but there are no signs that it will!!

Thanks again, you're all so lovely to take the time to tell me to buck my ideas up and stop being a wet drip hanging on for a man that doesn't appreciate me!

Perhaps I'll stick around here instead!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 30-Aug-13 14:49:47

Dump. So far unanimous Enjayy!

Scarletohello Fri 30-Aug-13 14:54:18

I suggest u check out the Baggage Reclaim website too. There's some great advice and insight about guys like these. And why we stay with them...!

Treen44444 Fri 30-Aug-13 14:59:04

I think you are over reacting a bit and a bit possessive, but if you are not happy then you know what to do.

specialmagiclady Fri 30-Aug-13 15:01:57

Wow - you could be me 20 years ago. Wish I'd had mumsnet in them days.

sonlypuppyfat Fri 30-Aug-13 15:02:24

He's using you and you know that

newmumsuchfun Fri 30-Aug-13 15:03:58

Absolutely 100% you are NOT being over-anything. Would I be ok with my boyfriend going on holiday with another woman?



ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 15:13:23

So - what's the plan then?

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