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Met a man, are these early red flags or am I over-sensitive?

(85 Posts)
redflags Thu 29-Aug-13 17:40:59

I met a man recently and we have been talking pretty much everyday for a month and have met up quite a few times now.

There are a few things I don't think I would have picked up on before but since joining mumsnet last year and reading about red flags I wonder if he has some. I've never been in a healthy relationship so my viewpoint is skewed, I could use some opinions from the wise women of MN.

His good points are that he's very driven, outgoing and hard-working. He seems to have everything planned out perfectly for someone my age. Hes funny and we share many of the same interests. He motivates me with my work and offers to help further my career.

Now to the not so good things. He slept round mine last night (only the second time) and decided to go out for the day today. All day he was in a bad mood and very short with me. He perked up a little after lunch but blamed it mostly on being tired and just generally a little moody. Dont get me wrong, everyone has their off days but this is a new, exciting thing!

He takes the piss out of me quite a bit. I'm not overly sensitive and we are playful with each other but he seems to take it too far sometimes when he refers to my looks. Its often disguised as back handed compliments or jokes.

Hes been single for about a year and said he had pretty much given up on women all together as they annoy him. He then pointed out that I'm different because I am more into stereotypical man things and not a girly type.

He expects me to pay for alot of things. He lives about an hour away by car and although I offer to pay for some of his petrol he volunteers that I should pay for lunch or whatever activity were doing.

What do you think? Am I being over-sensitive? I've got pretty low confidence right now anyway because of the last 2 exes.

Hawkmoth Thu 29-Aug-13 17:43:09

He sounds moody and selfish to me. I would accept what he's showing me and cut my losses.

Callmedreckly Thu 29-Aug-13 17:45:21


Keep looking for 'The One'

PrincessKildare Thu 29-Aug-13 17:46:35

oh dear.

Didnt want to read and run. Id be worried if he is doing this at this early stage what will he be like 3 yrs down the line..
dont let him take away what confidence u have left. xx

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Thu 29-Aug-13 17:47:27

He sounds horrible, and his 'jokes' and put downs won't help your confidence. Ime men who are permanently single and blame it on women are generally arseholes. If you are 'different' then beware especially, because he will eventually realise you aren't 'different' (ie he will start to resent and disrespect you for some 'womanly' trait he despises) and he will hate you even more for 'tricking' him.

Viking1 Thu 29-Aug-13 17:48:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrspaddy Thu 29-Aug-13 17:51:17

I think he doesn't sound overly ind.. Kindness costs nothing Kent out with someone who used to make little digs... I am annoyed now I didn't cut my loses and waste years with him...

The money thing... It is early days so he shouldn't be bringing it up.. ESP since you offer fuel etc.

Maybe be good you yourself and take your time ... Cut your losses this time and take your time in meeting someone better.

Silverfoxballs Thu 29-Aug-13 17:51:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meditrina Thu 29-Aug-13 17:53:17

Some of it could be unlucky fluke.

But if you're finding yourself having to make excuses for a number of repeated behaviours this early on, then I don't think he's the one for you. It doesn't have to be big 'red flag' stuff that shows incompatibility. Just th stuff that means that actually, you don't like him as much as you thought.

I don't think I'd like someone who was frequently criticising me, and expecting me to put up with it - GSOH means something in tune with mine, not cover for insults.

StrawberryMojito Thu 29-Aug-13 17:53:35

Definitely not a keeper.

Bogeyface Thu 29-Aug-13 17:53:59

Cruel, moody, stingy and misogynistic.

Not exactly a great catch is he?

Throw this one back.

Bogeyface Thu 29-Aug-13 17:56:07

Cruel, moody, stingy and misogynistic.

Not exactly a great catch is he?

Throw this one back.

ThreeTomatoes Thu 29-Aug-13 17:58:11

Yep. Red flags galore as far as i can see.

SoleSource Thu 29-Aug-13 17:58:35

I have never written this before

Please, please LEAVE THE BASTARD


Isabeller Thu 29-Aug-13 18:01:11

Not good. What everyone else said.

ImpulsePineapple Thu 29-Aug-13 18:04:33

Run for the hills! Sorry OP, he doesn't sound that nice, and what Ehric said is true. Right now you 'are not like all the rest', when you show a flaw, you'll find out why he's been single...

Onward and upward!

specialsubject Thu 29-Aug-13 18:09:15

nope. You can do better than this. With almost anyone!!

run away! run away!

redflags Thu 29-Aug-13 18:09:24

Thanks everyone for confirming what I was thinking. Its been quite confusing seeing as one minute hes joking around about something I'm self concious about and the next hes telling me I'm wonderful and beautiful.

I realised today when driving back with him in complete silence that this just isn't supposed to be like this.

I will get rid.

CoffeeandScones Thu 29-Aug-13 18:09:31

Yeah, running shoes on.

If this is him at his best...

mamabrownbear Thu 29-Aug-13 18:10:21

Have you told him that his 'jokes' upset you? If its a new relationship and the first in a while for both of you then it's all learning what you both find acceptable. Let him know it hurts you, it might not be him being mean at all. As for the money thing, I can it-he is paying for fuel so why buy him lunch instead of contributing to boring petrol...
If you like him then try and see past the red flags. Every new relationship has a learn curve for each of you besides communicating when a problem occurs is an important part of relationships too.

mamabrownbear Thu 29-Aug-13 18:11:26

I get it why not buy him lunch...sigh

BalloonSlayer Thu 29-Aug-13 18:13:54

Why the hell would you offer to pay his petrol to drive to see you anyway?

FourLittleDudes Thu 29-Aug-13 18:17:13

He sounds like someone I know - his name isn't Chris is it?

sonlypuppyfat Thu 29-Aug-13 18:17:18

Moody and mean with his money hardly a winning combination

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 29-Aug-13 18:22:30

Absolutely - do get rid of this tosser!

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