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Gathering my thoughts - am I mad, or is he a tosspot?

(124 Posts)
shadowofmyself Wed 28-Aug-13 22:18:24

I think I need to ltb - unless I really am mad?

I'm sorry, this is dreadfully long as I need to gather my thoughts. I've also name changed as I don't want to be linked to my other threads.

We have been together 17 years, married for eight and have a baby. I have been with him since I was 19- I know nothing else. He is 10 years older and previously had a marriage of convenience.

We have not had sex in over 18 months and before that, it used to be every couple of months only and over in minutes, that's if he could keep it up. (Our five month old was conceived with fertility treatment, after many years and many attempts).
This may be bearable if he showed me any affection, any hugs or kisses or anything at all, but there is nothing. I am not allowed even on the same sofa as him, so there is not even any cuddles in front of a film - which I would have no choice in anyway. I lost two stone in weight before I got pregnant, but it made no difference. He is about five stone heavier than when we met but thinks he's gods gift.

I have given up trying to get any affectionate response from him, even a cuddle, as the rejection floors me. Even when I was pregnant, he wouldn't massage me or rub my back
unless under duress. He only rubbed my back during my 50 hour labour because I begged him in front of the midwife. He keeps saying how hard the labour was on him!

Financially, we each pay in what is supposed to be a fair and equitable amount to a joint account to cover the household bills - except he's never upped his side since the late nineties, even when he was earning far more than me. I now earn more than him, but am currently on mat pay. This set up has seen me accumulate massive debt as I have paid for most things - our wedding, all fertility treatments, bills, any holidays, renovations and the latest: all expenses from our recent move (this means I am having to cut my maternity leave short). He's never contributed to Christmas and the only things he's bought our baby is a £5 babygro and a puppet toy. He won't pay towards childcare and was not interested in looking at nurseries with me, so I've looked and made the decision myself. While I've struggled and rummaged in the reduced bins, he's been guzzling anything up to four bottles of wine some nights. I even pay his mobile bills and he made me put his expensive car repair bills and glasses on my credit card. Of course he's never paid a penny towards this. I very much resent him for this. I realise this makes me an utter mug.

I have been alienated from any local friends - and most of my friends and family are four hours drive away. If I do meet anyone locally, he belittles them so I don't feel I can talk about them. I am very, very lonely but do try and get out to baby groups. The only thing is I find it very difficult to relax and join in as I have no confidence, so haven't made any friends. I find it hard to trust anyone or think of anything interesting to say.

There is no conversation - every night he's in front of the telly (I have no say in the programme) and he'll ignore me if I try and talk. The TV is on full blast as soon as he wakes, even if I'm asleep. I sometimes think he should have married the Samsung instead.

He won't go out with me, even to the cinema. If I get a present for birthdays or Christmas, there's no thought in it - I get things like remote control daleks or spacehoppers. Something last minute and the first thing he's seen in a shop. I'd love to see some live music or theatre, or get a book - but he doesn't think what I might like. It's like I'm not worth any thought at all.

If I ever offer an opinion that differs to his, he shouts me down or ignores me. He comes out with dreadful bigoted stuff and when I protest, he says I am easy to wind up. I don't want him spouting this vile stuff around my son, even if in 'jest.' Apparently this means I have no sense of humour.

At the weekends, he wakes me up to make him a cooked breakfast, even if I've been up through the night with the baby and even when I was recovering from the c section. After I'd had the section he was straight on at me to do the housework and pushed me so hard physically (in terms of activity) in the first couple of weeks post partum that I got a terrible wound infection. I had a hard time getting breast feeding established and when I was upset and doubting myself as as mother, he just shouted rather than offering support. He goes on at me about housework all the time then huffs and puffs and makes a show of redoing it to his standard. It makes me feel useless - I think I must be if I can't even stack the dishwasher or mop the floor right.

I'm pretty sure he gaslights me - denies I've said something or does something stupid then blames me. As an example, he left a bottle of breast milk out at room temperature over night, so it all had to be thrown away. When I asked him why he hadn't put it in the fridge, he shouted and blamed me for not telling him that it had to go back in the fridge - our son is five months old!

At the weekend he called after work to say he was meeting a friend for a couple of beers and would be back by 7. I was absolutely OK with this and said I'd get dinner when he came back. Except he didn't roll in until after midnight, steaming drunk. I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd have let me know so I wasn't hanging on waiting re. dinner and to let him in as he hadn't got his keys.

Today, I went to hang some washing out but the line went very slack. I brought it back in until I could get the line sorted and mentioned that I may have to get a new one and he started shouting and swearing at me. I asked him not to swear but he kept cutting me off when I tried to explain the line had gone funny - but he turned round and said he swears because of the way I speak to him and I was 'lucky I didn't get more than swearing from him.' At this point, I ran upstairs telling him to F off and not come back (I know I shouldn't have sworn, but I hated him at that moment). He went to work carrying the sandwiches I made for him. He came back this evening and has still not spoken to me - worst thing, he's not even cuddled our little boy.

If I ever confront him he says no one else would have me and I'm lucky to have him. He says I'm a moody, high maintenance cow.

There's more. I could probably write a novel, but I'm exhausted.

To the outside world he's charm personified - no one would ever believe me and would just take his word that I'm a nightmare to live with.

Perhaps I am and I just need to accept that despite my university education and career I'm fundamentally useless, unattractive and not worth talking to.

His good points? He's good at his own PR, he can be witty, he can be generous when he chooses to be, he loves our boy...

I know you'll all say to ltb and that's what I'd say if I was reading this too. He's all I've ever known though. This is my normal. He'd deny all this and say I was mad. My friends and family would all think I was horrifically stupid if I left as he's always saying 'what I'm like' to them so I'm sure they must wonder why he puts up with me.

Maybe it is me who's mad, I don't know. I just don't trust what I'm thinking or my instincts anymore.

I'm not expecting any replies to this behemoth post. I just needed to get it all out of my head as containing my unhappiness is making my head spin.

Thanks for reading, if you haven't died of boredom!

Bant Wed 28-Aug-13 22:23:37

I am always bemused by the number of people who will jump in to say 'LTB' at seemingly common infractions and arguments, but in this case, I'll be the first to say it. He sounds horrible, a systematic abusive narcissist, and I'd suggest having him put down.

AnythingNotEverything Wed 28-Aug-13 22:30:15

You deserve better.

Hissy Wed 28-Aug-13 22:30:20

shadowofmyself how apt a name sad

You poor thing!

Your poor son!

You would both be so much happier without this dreadful millstone around your necks

Please take your own advice, do what you know you must do, and get this piss poor example of a male out of your day to day.

You know that there IS more to life than this!

StrangeGlue Wed 28-Aug-13 22:30:52

Oh op that's devastatingly sad! He's really destroyed you. People would believe you, you'd be (more than) fine without him and you are a valuable and wonderful person. Look how strong you are, you've raised your Ds not only single handedly but with someone making it as hard as they possibly can.

Please leave him. If you for you then for your Ds. Is that the atmosphere and attitude either if you deserve? No!

I think you're so strong and still young.

Do you feel safe tonight? He has threatened you. If you don't then please call women's aid or get yourself and your Ds out of there. Get a taxi 4 hrs to your folks if necessary just be safe.

SpanishLady Wed 28-Aug-13 22:32:35

You know for me it's often the little things, why if someone loves you do they expect you to do everything when you are obviously tired / struggling? Why the put downs, the withholding affection? It has to be because they don't really care. You h sounds like he just can't be arsed though there are clues that he is depressed ( lack of libido/ sitting in front of the telly all night). At the end of the day your not his skivy and as a grown adult it's up to you f this life is enough for you. But when there are kids involved its different, it's got to be about the environment they are being brought up into. Maybe your son will end up like him or will be a lackey for your h's mood swings like you are - so how does that sound? If you replace yourself with your son, can you still stomach this life?

If not its about if you want to give h a chance to change things around or just want him out. Life's too short for you and too precious for your son to do nothing . You sound great, willing to make your family happy and secure but if h can't bring something to the table why the hell put up with him having a seat at it!

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Wed 28-Aug-13 22:32:56


Really. Really? sad

Kick the fat useless wanker to the kerb.

RandomMess Wed 28-Aug-13 22:32:58

Geez it sounds absolutely awful, I really think you would much happier going it alone and waiting until you meet someone who deserves you before you settle down again!

CharityFunDay Wed 28-Aug-13 22:35:00

You are mad...

... To stay with him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 28-Aug-13 22:35:30

your not mad, he's a tosspot.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

fortyplus Wed 28-Aug-13 22:36:34

I'm another one who bristles at the way some people on here seem to expect women to leave for the slightest misdemeanour.

But in your case it's different - this man is appalling. Definitely LTB you'll be so much better off in every way without him.

TiredDog Wed 28-Aug-13 22:37:31


Be happy

Handywoman Wed 28-Aug-13 22:38:41

Please gather your thoughts and your strength. Call Women's Aid and get away from this abusive man.

flaggybannel Wed 28-Aug-13 22:39:36

you are not mad OP.

he sounds like the biggest arsehole I have ever heard of.

Mummybookworm Wed 28-Aug-13 22:41:25

You might find after you have left (or thrown his ass out) that your family and friends have not bought his "charming" act. You deserve so much better than this.

Scrubber Wed 28-Aug-13 22:42:49

You need to be free of this man, you know this, it is screaming out from your post. You will find so much self confidence without him. You need to make a plan to leave.

resipsa Wed 28-Aug-13 22:46:17

I feel so sad for you on reading this post, particularly as your first few months with your long-awaited DS should be filled with happy memories. You obviously know that you need to get out but the doing it is always harder than the saying it. I truly hope you have some support nearby and can summon the courage to do what's bet for you and DS.

Notalone Wed 28-Aug-13 22:46:38

Shadow - you are effectively a single mum anyway. Please please leave this man because he is intent on destroying all your self worth and confidence. Deep down he knows you are better than him which is why he treats you with such contempt.

Practically what can be done. Is the mortgage in joint names? Could you stay with family while the house is sorted out if it is? Could you raise a deposit for a rented property for the time being? Please try to confide in someone in RL as this will validate even more why you need to be away from this man. You and your son deserve so so much better sad

TVTonight Wed 28-Aug-13 22:51:35

Agree with all the others

Pilgit Wed 28-Aug-13 23:00:11

He sounds truly horrid. You are worth so much more. If you had a daughter - would you want her treated like this? Would you want your son to treat his wife like this? I would guess not. But that is what is going to happen (in all likelihood) if you do not do something about this. He has systematically, over a sustained period of time destroyed you. He has made you doubt reality such that you actually think this behaviour is normal. IT IS NOT. You deserve so much better. Start planning your departure - get all the paperwork you need, stop getting into debt, make a plan and get out. You are already doing this alone the only thing you will lose by leaving is a constant drain on your self esteem and self worth. So in answer to your question -you are not mad, he is a tosspot!

Armadale Wed 28-Aug-13 23:00:29

yy to all the above, and also to add:

"My friends and family would all think I was horrifically stupid if I left as he's always saying 'what I'm like' to them so I'm sure they must wonder why he puts up with me. " .....

Not everyone will have believed his PR, however good it is. They will have also noticed the changes in you and your lack of confidence. There is nothing as horrid as a man putting his wife down in front of other people, even if they are doing it in an 'entertaining' fashion- it still speaks volumes about them and their lack of respect for their spouse- you might find people are actually wondering why you are putting up with things..

HansieMom Wed 28-Aug-13 23:02:24

You need to be rid of him. Be by yourself and be happy. Take him to the cleaners. Later on, hopefully you will meet a normal man, one who does not scream at you, abuse you, have normal or even great sex that you get something out of, that you can have fun with. You deserve all of this and he deserves nothing. He is old, fat and nasty. Please go?

Solo Wed 28-Aug-13 23:06:29

I've never said this before, but please, LTB. You would be so much better off on your own as a lone parent proper and officially.
He is a waste of good oxygen angry

Portofino Wed 28-Aug-13 23:06:53

No - he sounds horrible. This is not what "normal" relationships are like. Mine isn't perfect I know, but it is not horrible like this.

colafrosties Wed 28-Aug-13 23:13:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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