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Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

(181 Posts)
Salbertina Mon 26-Aug-13 19:00:59

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

TeeBee Mon 26-Aug-13 20:18:42

I'll quietly hold your hand while dealing with the same shitty situation.

Salbertina Mon 26-Aug-13 20:45:02

Thanks, Tee, yours too. Hard to know what to do for the best, isn't it? Been years like this!

SecretJewel Mon 26-Aug-13 20:50:50

Me too :-(

I am a million miles away from being 'happy' in my marriage.

But, there is no way that I am 'unhappy' enough that selling the house and struggling to get by on benefits with 2 small children, would be a better option.

There is no answer to it. Apart from my rubbish marriage, the rest of my life is ok so will just be plodding along for now.

Salbertina Mon 26-Aug-13 21:12:19

Are you sure you'd be struggling by on benefits? Checked out child maintenance etc?
Fairly clueless here still

shootfromthehip Mon 26-Aug-13 21:31:41

Been in this situation for years. Got the courage to stop it all last week. It's no way to live. <<offers hand>>

SecretJewel Mon 26-Aug-13 21:36:51

Well, I'm fairly clueless too(!), but there's no way we could fund anywhere near the lifestyle we have now.

And if dh paid a decent amount of maintenance, then he wouldn't be able to afford a house for himself.

We are generally civil, courteous (sometimes even nice!) to each other, but we're just not 'happy' together and I think the love has gone sad.

It's not brilliant, but the alternative seems even worse.

I suspect there are A LOT of couples like this, but it's one of those things that people don't talk about isn't it?

Support thread sounds great smile. Would love to compare thoughts with others in a similar situation, x

FatOwl Mon 26-Aug-13 22:05:32

Pulling up a chair

This is me

My H is EA but we have three kids (two still living at home), and he has a secure, well paid job.
We also live overseas and if I left him I would have to return to the UK and would probably not be entitled to any benefits (we have been gone 10 years)
I've not worked for 10 years either, and returning to work would be challenging. I'm not qualified for anything.

Leaving would be so difficult, staying (for now) is preferable. I am not unhappy all the time. Sometimes its OK. Most of the time it tolerable and I have my coping strategies.

I am lucky that he doesn't take too much notice of money and he is not tight with money. I spend very little money on myself and am buidling up a "running away" stash in an account he knows nothing about. Just having it makes me feel better knowing that I have it.

SecretJewel Mon 26-Aug-13 22:13:26

That sounds difficult FatOwl sad

I have considered saving for a leaving fund too. Haven't quite got to the point of starting it yet. I think mainly because the sums of money seem so unachievable. I'd never get enough to leave. May as well just spend it on making myself as happy ad possible now hmm

FatOwl Mon 26-Aug-13 22:17:45

It is, but I go through ups and downs.

It can be OK for a few weeks, then bad for a few weeks. I just plod on, others are in a worse situation- ie he's not physically abusive, not esp controlling- I have friends and hobbies etc.

He is just a miserable sod and puts me down a lot

SunshineBossaNova Mon 26-Aug-13 22:49:50

Another one here.

grounddown Mon 26-Aug-13 22:50:22

Me too sad

whodhavethunkit Tue 27-Aug-13 04:35:06

Me too sad

Emptychairs Tue 27-Aug-13 09:49:33

Hi, me too!
I've been asking for some help a bit now on mn also.
Gave me the courage to ask for couple counseling, but as my dh is ea this is plodding along somewhat superficially. When one issue is dealt with up pops another.
I'm also a stepmother and the advice I was given on that particular board was basically detach and its helped a lot.
So I've started detaching from dh (again, like you, our cofunded lifestyle is too complex to give up atm, kids etc).
Although I work ft this does not help much. I've taken up driving again and this has worked miracles for my self esteem.
A mnetter gave me a great link for assertiveness training (to be found under thread of people pleaser).
IMO, its essential to build up your self esteem (and the nest egg) and take it from there. Who knows, once you respect yourself dh can either respect you more or punish you for it, and when he does you can move on without guilt and regret.

Halfahundred Tue 27-Aug-13 10:01:50

Am in this situation too. How do you make yourself detach? Not care about all your once cherished dreams smashed to smithereens? Struggling with this bit..

Overtiredmum Tue 27-Aug-13 10:23:53

I'm in this situation but taken the steps to start again.

It terrifies me starting again. At 39 I have 2 failed marriages under my belt but two wonderful DCs who are being my strength and motivation.

It was the toughest decision of my life, my family has disowned me along the way and I have lost quite a few friends.

I am stronger every day and optimistic about the future, although I know everyone is waiting for me to fall flat on my bum.

gaggiagirl Tue 27-Aug-13 10:31:13


IntheCorner Tue 27-Aug-13 12:13:13

Me too.
In a bad patch right now, and I hope it only is a patch.

We have 2 dcs, DD at Uni and teenage DS.
Ok house in a nice area.
H works full-time, me part-time, very little spare cash each month.

Things go from good to ok to bad. Most of the time the ok outweighs the good and the bad. I can live with that. But then the bad rears its ugly head.

DCs old enough to see that things are not right, when they are not right.

But I can't afford to pull the plug and then have a satisfactory standard of living for me and DS. As SecretJewel says, we don't have enough income between us to maintain two households.

Plenty of people worse off than me, I know, but at times this is so hard.

Thanks for starting a support thread.

SunshineBossaNova Tue 27-Aug-13 13:09:31

DH is an alcoholic. He's a reasonable human being during the day, but in the evening he turns into a slurring, over-affectionate bell-end. He falls over and injures himself, once spectacularly knocking a hole in a wall. Our sex life is absolute crap, because he's drunk so often.

If I leave I will have to take a room in a shared house, because I'm a student and can't afford to rent a flat. I'll also have to leave behind my 19 year old cat, who I love dearly.

I've already married and divorced one alcholic - but it was easier with XH as he was abusive too. But DH is kind and lovely when he's sober...

I've bought the 'Too good to leave' book, and have another one on the same subject. I've read neither, as I keep hoping things will get better but they don't.

Does anyone else find indecision is making them feel like shit?

Overtiredmum Tue 27-Aug-13 14:46:05

Sunshine I think it's the indecision that makes it worth, you spend most of your time trying to justify your feelings, but down the line, you're still in the same place? You can be married to the nicest person in the world, but if they don't make you happy?

I'm 5 months in, still living in the same house due to working patterns which is far from easy. DCs are very accepting of the position, although I am under no illusion the future will be hard at times.

I work full time, evenings at the moment, but will be switching to days, and the house is sold just waiting for the sale to go through.

This has been the hardest decision of my life, but I am happier, the DC are doing great - that's all the motivation I need.

comingintomyown Tue 27-Aug-13 17:10:19

I feel so bad for you guys

This time four years ago I was living in a gilded cage in a marriage I knew was wrong like a rabbit in the headlights. We were together 17 years with two DC and I dined out on our past happiness to keep me going and just made the best of it as in many ways I had a very good life.

Luckily XH had the guts to end it and in the end it was a swift and clean break.

Lots of heartbreak, without doubt the hardest time of my life, and a year long journey recovering from the worst.

My day to day life is much harder as a single Mum working FT and my future financially less rosy and assured.

But inside I am whole , I feel emotionally clean. I dont cry very often at all. I wake up most days feeling pretty much the same . I am happy.

The day XH told me he didnt love me anymore and we spent the day in turmoil I remember him saying that one day I would thank him for ending it. He was absolutely right.

FatOwl Tue 27-Aug-13 17:19:01

Sunshine, my DH is a functioning alcoholic, who is unreasonable and belligerent by the end of the day. I have to talk to him in the morning to get any sense at all.

Overtired and Comingintomyown, thanks for your input. You I where I'd like to be, but can't see it for a few years yet.

I am thinking of retraining as a TA. As I said I live overseas and there is one international school who has a TA training programme. It's a different school to the one my dds go to.
To do that though, I would have to give up a major volunteer role which I really do enjoy (but isn't salaried), and is almost my entire social circle. But it would be a means to an end.

comingintomyown Tue 27-Aug-13 19:02:01

Do it FatOwl my biggest hill to climb was getting back into work and you can keep the social circle in a different context no ?

BadSpeakingSkills Tue 27-Aug-13 23:06:51

I'm here. Marking my place and offering support /hand holding where I can.

I returned to work when youngest was 12 months old, I couldn't face not having just even a bit of financial security for myself and DC's.

Since finding this board 12 months ago I've recognised so many behaviours in myself sad I've been emotionally detaching myself more and more as a means of self preservation if that makes sense. My H doesn't want to spend any time with me alone, when I made suggestions to go out/get a baby sitter/ do ANYTHING without dc's it got rebuffed or "We can't afford it." or the one that really brought me to tears "We're a family so we should do everything as a family not just you and I anymore because that's not how it is anymore" sad

I get depressed and moody but then when we have a good family day out (these far out weigh the lonliness atm) and I just find myself thinking "Guess this is how it is now" and throw myself into my hobbies.

I've never written this down before and now I have - I can't stop crying. sad

Overtiredmum Tue 27-Aug-13 23:46:46

It can be very lonely, can't it? Nothing was really to blame in my case, I too just drifted further and further, to the point i felt I was living with a stranger hmm

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