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how can i stop DH from airing our dirty laundry?

(54 Posts)
thefatandthefurious Mon 26-Aug-13 14:39:22

That, really.

When arguments between us happen (as they do in a marriage) DH gets some weird validation from involving other people. If there are people around anyway, he asks what they think and gives them a one-sided view.

Dinners with friends are littered with comments like "oh, well that's what thefatandthefursious could spend her time doing if she wasn't busy being so insecure...." Or in a conversation while out to dinner with his business colleagues talking about data security, "Well thefatandthefurious read my texts messages once and saw something from an ex and whipped it into a froth. Spoiled a perfectly nice evening, as usual."

Obviously if I then fight back when he does this we look like some jaded couple who always takes swipes at each other, so I hold back and laugh it off and pretend it's not big deal, although I'm seething inside about how he's misrepresented me to other people.

When there is no one around he will call his mother, present a really one-sided view of a discussion we're having and then tell her to hold and say to me "my mother thinks you are overreacting."

Is there a word for someone like this?

CreatureRetorts Mon 26-Aug-13 14:41:23

What? He sounds a catch.

Why don't you ask him why he does this?

Sounds like he's trying to undermine you - incredibly disrespectful and just plain spiteful.

DragonsAreReal Mon 26-Aug-13 14:42:40

Why are you with him.

ratbagcatbag Mon 26-Aug-13 14:43:30

Yeah knob.

How awful, if I disagree with dh I may relay thr conversation to my best friend, not for validation as I'm always right wink but for a natter and a aren't men idiots at times.

Next time he does it, calmly say, "we'll I'm so pleased you feel the need ti are yourself more secure by undermining me"

I'd pull him up on it every single time, until he stops, don't row or yell, just be very matter of fact.

glastocat Mon 26-Aug-13 14:43:42

An arsehole? He sounds very childish, petty point scoring like this is never helpful. Have you told him that this behaviour is making him look like an idiot, and really pissing you off?

Thumbwitch Mon 26-Aug-13 14:43:46

I agree - sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you at all and wants other people to feel the same as he does.

Tell him that he is trying to get other people to lose respect for you - if he means to do it, he will bluster and/or smirk; if he doesn't realise that is what he is doing, he should be shocked and mortified.

If he smirks, then he's a bastard.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 26-Aug-13 14:43:53

I think the word for it is twunt. Have you told him not to do this? In words of one syllable.

Sparklysilversequins Mon 26-Aug-13 14:46:49

What a childish and unpleasant individual.

I'd find it quite difficult to be attracted to someone who did this.

onefewernow Mon 26-Aug-13 14:47:59

I think he should be called a divorcee. I couldnt tolerate it.

By the way, he looks foolish undermining you in front of others, not you.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 26-Aug-13 14:49:33

There are quite a few words for someone like that. No nice words though.

thefatandthefurious Mon 26-Aug-13 15:07:54

I agree that I am above "swiping" back, so I don't. So even saying "I'm pleased you feel the need to make yourself more insecure by undermining me," just makes me look as bad as him.

What works at the moment is to just laugh at him or roll my eyes and say something like "in his dreams" or "bla bla bla" and make the action of a mouth with my hand and then move on to another topic. It is the only way to retain my dignity. He is not affected by this and doesn't find it offensive. It's like it's a game to him.

When I am REALLY upset about something I find it harder to control this exterior and I feel very frustrated that I have been so misrepresented.

When I tell him that it really hurts he has an excuse for every separate time he does it. he was upset and wanted to talk to someone (his mother) he wanted another perspective etc

CreatureRetorts Mon 26-Aug-13 15:10:20

It doesnt matter if he has an excuse. What excuse does he have for doing this in front of friends? As for ringing his mother.... Words fail me.

You feel upset when he does it - does that not bother him?

CleverWittyUsername Mon 26-Aug-13 15:22:21

Doesn't his mother think he is being pathetic calling her up after a row? How childish. I would need him to agree to a) fight with me then discuss it rationally and never bring it up in front of other or b) go away. I would really hate our personal disagreements being brought up as a conversational topic in front of friends or colleagues (or the MIL) and it would be a total dealbreaker for me if my H were that immature.

yellowballoons Mon 26-Aug-13 15:26:17

What is the rest of your marriage like?

thefatandthefurious Mon 26-Aug-13 15:51:00

the rest of our marriage is fine, but it is really affected by this. As it takes me days sometimes to get over the fact he has told someone something. It's like he does it in the heat of the moment.

StillSeekingSpike Mon 26-Aug-13 15:56:24

"oh, well that's what thefatandthefursious could spend her time doing if she wasn't busy being so insecure'

What do your friends think of this? because if my friend's husband came out with such a bitchy and knobbish comment, I would feel deeply uncomfortable and rather sorry for her.
And he rings his MUM during arguments???? Is he twelve????

yellowballoons Mon 26-Aug-13 15:56:33

Good that the rest of it is fine.
In that case, I would have thought that he can work on the problem

What I have done, in my own marriage, with things like this is to say to my husband "well, shall I go and tell your mother x y and z".
He normally looks suitably horrified, and realises that what he has been saying or doing is not on.

thefatandthefurious Mon 26-Aug-13 16:01:32

As much as I like her, the MIL is one of these mother's who wants her son to still be hanging on to her apron strings so will take any information he tells her and milk it to the max, as she sees it as him still 'needing' her in his life.

Thumbwitch Mon 26-Aug-13 16:07:24

Yellowballoons, I do similar but use my Dad as the example - when DH tells MIL something inappropriate, or expects me to do something in relation to her that I find uncomfortable, I ask him how he would feel if I talked to my Dad about him in the same way - he usually shuts up pretty fast!

Thefat - could you try that as an option? Rather than stooping to his level, just ask him how he would feel if you did the same to friends/family about him and see how he reacts.

yellowballoons Mon 26-Aug-13 16:17:51

Ok op, mil is a bad example!
You can use anyone really, but best to use someone that your husband admires.
His boss, his aunty, whoever.

thefatandthefurious Mon 26-Aug-13 16:18:52

I'll try that Thumbwitch that's a good idea.

yellowballoons Mon 26-Aug-13 16:21:02

btw thumbwitch, I remember a thread you and I were on many months ago[I was a different name then].
I thought then, and I think now[bearing in mind the other thread you and I are currently on], that your marriage and my marriage, and how we handle them, is very similar.

Thumbwitch Mon 26-Aug-13 16:30:26

I really should stop myself from posting on those threads though, eh. I put too much stuff out there and then get really really fucking pissed off with people telling me that it's ALL DH's fault and he sounds like a toddler. <sigh>

I am not anti-feminist but I refuse to allow MIL to get off scot-free from taking some blame for the situation - if MY DSs are like DH when they grow up I will be flogging myself for allowing them to get like that, and will be doing my damnedest to make sure they're not.

Sorry, thefat - shouldn't hijack your thread!

yellowballoons Mon 26-Aug-13 16:36:20

Agreed thumbwitch.
Sorry thefat too. Back to your thread.

brokenhearted55 Mon 26-Aug-13 17:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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