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Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

(414 Posts)
Fireplaces Sun 25-Aug-13 20:54:21

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

CookieDoughKid Sun 25-Aug-13 22:26:41

Dear OP. Keep the anger for as long as you can whilst he goes through this denial phase. He's a bastard to you. Remember that. He will try to put the blame on you [don't take that in for one moment is the real reason why he had an affair]. And you will try to minimise/forgive/see logic in all of this. Of which, there isn't any logic other than.....He's a disrespecting bastard and at this moment in time, deserves to be booted out and living on his own without the comfort and trappings of being in a family.

Take a WIDE berth and think about your next steps. Take a long good hard think and remember this. Even though you might, MIGHT forgive him, you will never forget. He's lost your trust and that will be a hard road for you both if you do decide to get back together.

Let's see what the bastard comes back with and calmly threaten that you will take him to the cleaners (divorce) if he even so tries to demand anything off you. Trust me when I say that that will shut him up (I know from experience, that people are very very afraid of being taken to the cleaners in a divorce, even though on the surface they may be calm and collected.).

Fireplaces Sun 25-Aug-13 22:40:16

Thank you for your replies. I have no idea where he has gone. Perhaps to the OW? I feel she is welcome to his moodiness,, bad breath, picking his nose, spotty arse, and snoring. I wonder how long it'll be before she calls it a day?

<pendulum has swung to anger>

Tortington Sun 25-Aug-13 22:42:59

i am absolutely amazed by how strong you have been, well done xxx ((hugs))

ProphetOfDoom Sun 25-Aug-13 22:50:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieDoughKid Sun 25-Aug-13 22:56:46

And don't forget you've kept your side to the marriage being faithful. Your integrity will get you through this.

myroomisatip Sun 25-Aug-13 23:06:22

Ah sunshine...

I am the other side of a split, although no OW was involved, but you know, I woke up this morning with the bed to myself smile... no other smelly, snoring, sweaty occupant taking the duvet, in my bed! Yes... result!

I think you will be fine smile

Hissy Sun 25-Aug-13 23:25:10

Oh love, so sorry! But you have done the right thing.

Really you have. You'll see that soon!

skyeskyeskye Mon 26-Aug-13 00:22:45

Well done on being so strong.

LittlePeaPod Mon 26-Aug-13 08:45:11

Op so sorry to hear what you are going through. I couldn't read and run. I hope you are as weel as can be under the circumstances BUT well done for making it clear to him you will not tollarate been treated so appaulingly flowers

Fireplaces Mon 26-Aug-13 10:01:48

Urgent help please this morning. He rang and I ignored the phone. He then sent me a text asking me to let him back in.

I need help constructing a non-confrontational yet firm 'no'. I do not know what to say.

I do not want to see him. He makes me feel sick.

I told him three times during confrontation yesterday that if he had any respect for our marriage and for me, he would move out and keep away for a couple of weeks so that I could have some space to think.

WafflyVersatile Mon 26-Aug-13 10:04:39

Send him that last sentence.

Vivacia Mon 26-Aug-13 10:10:43

What waffly said.

Do you feel safe? Do you want someone there with you?

Buzzardbird Mon 26-Aug-13 10:13:23

Wow, you are good. All the ones who are pussy footing around wondering what to do about their cheating partners should get you round!
Just be firm and repeat "no". You didn't make him go cock dipping.

Fireplaces Mon 26-Aug-13 10:28:11

Ok I will go with what waffly said x

Vivacia Mon 26-Aug-13 10:57:08

Yep, if he replies just repeat the same message and then don't reply.

DaydreamDolly Mon 26-Aug-13 11:08:01

You're amazing. Stay strong. You no longer need to do what he wants you to do or dance to his tune. Do not let him back in if you don't want to see him. Be strong, be firm, and I have a feeling you'll be just fine.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 26-Aug-13 12:10:50

I also think you're amazing fireplaces so many people would be in pieces and begging him to come're the winner...he's the one whose lost out and he's already realising it!

Fireplaces Mon 26-Aug-13 12:40:22

He has sent me a reply which has surprised me in its contrition yet annoyed me by the implication that he will 'stay away this week' (ie one week when I have repeatedly said 'a few weeks'.). He expects me to get over this in a week.

<pendulum has swung to forgiveness, yet just this morning I hated the mere thought of him>. Emotional roller coaster.

Lweji Mon 26-Aug-13 12:46:04

Remember that No is a complete sentence.
You don't have to explain, justify, dwell on it.

Just say No.

It's easy to feel forgiving, sorry, hopeful, but he is a liar.
He's not even contrite if he said he'll leave for one week. Although, his children should be able to see him. Can you try and maintain contact between them, without you being involved?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 26-Aug-13 12:47:18

Where is he staying? Did he say? Your emotions will doubtless change again must be hard to know what to think!

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 26-Aug-13 12:51:37

I would ask him if he went to the other woman and she turned him away?

Fireplaces Mon 26-Aug-13 13:18:10

Please help me word a firm but fair (don't want to antagonise) reply. Am stuck.

I want to say:
1) a week is not enough. He must not think he is moving back in, in a weeks time. (frankly right now i dont think i ever want him back)
2) The time apart is no guarantee of me then then agreeing to continue the marriage. Time away is purely to let me have space to grieve and think.
3) he should do some serious thinking too.
4) I have already said in my email thus morning that we should sort out access to the children. I am happy to be reasonable. Eg one full day a week at the weekend plus tea after school one day. Or every other weekend. But I don't want the DC meeting the OW as it would be too confusing for them (young).
5) I need the car seats back from the car he has with him (so I can put them in our old runaround car and they'll be safe).

Vivacia Mon 26-Aug-13 13:26:45

I would restrict your communication to your fifth point. There is no need to repeat yourself on the others. You've told him once that you need a fortnight. Once is enough.

I wouldn't mention the OW. Firstly, I can't see how you can win that one. Secondly, I doubt he's in a hurry to anyway.

onefewernow Mon 26-Aug-13 13:50:57

He hasn't even admitted it yet, has he? I imagine he us like nearly all cheaters, in that he imagines it is just a case of waiting for the dust to settle and for you to calm down, before he hops back in order to lie and minimise some more.

Do take advantage of that thinking time, and try not to spend it playing text tennis with him. He is only interested in helping himself, anyway.

You rock for swift action, though?

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 26-Aug-13 14:10:49

I agree with vivacia, you don't owe him any explanations, just tell him you want the car seats. Don't let him know how you are thinking or that you are confused, you can make decisions later - he is more likely to come clean if he thinks he has completely lost you, as he will think his honesty might be the only way of getting you back.

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