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He is looking at children online(152 Posts)
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I would really appreciate the perspective of the parents on this board, especially those who have daughters. I am 32, have been married a year and don't yet have children.
Since we got married, sex has just slowly disappeared and we now haven't had sex in over 5 months. Before we got married sex was frequent although he has never been able to climax with me ever - we were getting help with this but after we got married he lost interest, and the therapist ended up asking us to leave it and come back when we were prepared to commit what we need to in order to resolve the issue.
In desperation and frustration (he bluntly refuses to discuss the problem) I did something last week that I'm not proud of and hacked into his email and social media accounts. What I have found is that he is registered on a photo-sharing social media site used almost exclusively by teens, and he is following, commenting on and interacting with scores of very young girls, around the 13-14 age, although a couple that he seems particularly interested in look much younger and are very much pre-pubescent, I suspect around 10-11. He has hundreds of their pictures saved to his account, with three or four very young girls that he is obviously especially interested in.
Pubescent girls with newly-discovered curves being as they are and social media being the scary thing it is these days, a great deal of these pictures are quite sexual in nature, and he is interacting with these girls by posting inappropriate comments on the pictures and in many cases striking up conversations. I have worked out from what he has posted on his own profile that he is also registered on a 'chat' platform that is used through a mobile phone app, and I think he is using this to chat to young girls - I can't look at his phone as he keeps it with him at all times.
He is using a profile picture where his face is quite obscured and in which he could be quite young. He is in fact 45 next month.
I discovered various other worrying things on other sites like Facebook but this post is long enough already.
To be honest I feel sick and confused. I don't know what to make of this. He hasn't done anything illegal like downloaded child porn (although he has lots of adult porn on his computer), and obviously none of it is real as it is all online so pretty much fantasy. I am also acutely aware that by hacking his accounts I have massively betrayed his trust. But it just seems terribly terribly wrong.
Apart from the sex issue our relationship has up to this point been very happy, although he has always been a very closed and guarded person who doesn't talk about much. Now I feel as though I don't know this man I am living with. I don't know if I can ever look at him the same way again.
The reason I am posting here is because I daren't speak to my family or friends about this, and I really need to hear from the parents out there, especially those with daughters.
Being a mum is the most important thing in the world to me and we are planning to have children (how we would do that without having sex is obviously another matter completely). Would you have children with a man who looks at sexualised pictures of other people's children on the internet? Would you even stay with this man?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this very long post.
From a lonely and confused young wife.
Report him to the police. This sounds like grooming behaviour.
Would you have children with a man who looks at sexualised pictures of other people's children on the internet? Would you even stay with this man?
Not to be harsh, because I cannot imagine what you would be feeling right now, but do you seriously have to ask that question? Really?
The only thing I would do with a man like that is report him to the police and get the fuck away from him.
Kick him out. Call the police. So sorry OP looks like grooming.
This behaviour is wrong and inappropriate, you must report him to the police. I'm sorry, but you must. He is one step away from hurting someone and it IS real.
I'm very sorry, but you have to do something. He needs help. And I mean that sincerely.
Oh come off it. You aren't genuinely posing those questions, this is about hand holding
much required hand holding.
You know this is wrong. You know no mother is going to post and say she'd be comfortable with a 45 year old chatting up her 12 year old daughter on line. This is not acceptabe behaviour by any stretch of the imagination. You ignored some red flags to marry this man, now pull your head out of the sand before you have children.
I cannot believe you even have to ask what to do! Report him to the police right now! Then get the fuck out!
Totally agree with puds. Also also would say this is beyond grooming as he has saved pics of pre pubescent pics - you may not class that as illegal and child porn but I would. Report him.
Report and divorce.
Why you would be hesitating over this I dont know.
In fact, id pick up the computer and go straight to the nearest Police Station today.
PHONE THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY!! there are children at risk from him right now. phone the police and change when they arrest him change the locks and start divorce proceedings.
I think you must report him to the police. I really can't think of a reasonable explanation for his online behaviour.
How shocking for you. What an awful thing to discover about your H.
What puds said. It comes across as grooming to me sorry and I expect thats how the Police will see it too. I would report it to the Police also ~
Lord knows why you are asking for perspective from mothers of daughters! Well I suspect I know but ...
You know the next thing he will be doing is meeting up with a poor unsuspecting girl in some hotel and forcing her to have sex with him! How would you feel about knowing you knew what he was doing and did nothing to stop it!! Phone the police now!
I too would take the computer to the police before he has a chance to delete everything!
What Porto said. With massive great clanging bells on.
I wouldn't have children with him and wouldn't honestly stay with him.
I agree with you that you probably don't know him at all and that must be a massive shock and very confusing.
Now that you have an insight in to what he is doing you at least have a choice about your future and what it will possibly hold if you do decided to stay ie could you ever really trust him again, would you be concerned if you had your own children with him etc?.
I suggest the first thing you do is speak to the Police and then find someone, maybe a friend rather than family to confide in. I think you need real life support.
No I wouldn't. You SERIOUSLY need to report him to the police today. This is very very wrong.
My dd is 11. The thought of a 45 yr old man making 'inappropriate comments' to her online makes me feel physically sick. She is a child in every way, yet already she is developing curves & her body is changing. Any man who acts on their attraction to this is a paedophile.
I cannot stress the importance of how very wrong & disturbing this is. Please DO NOT even think about having children with this man. This may just be the tip of the iceberg.
Sorry you're going through this, but please please report him. You may save a child from being abused.
I hardly ever comment on Mumsnet but felt I had to on this thread.
OP - I suspect the reason you don't want to tell friends and family is because you don't want what you are seeing to be true. But it is.
This is grooming. It may just be the tip of the iceberg, you haven't seen his phone. Even if it isn't this is unacceptable behaviour, morally and probably legally.
I can't begin to imagine how bad you feel but you must report this to the police - for yourself but also these children. For your Husband even.
You have done nothing wrong, but you will have if you collude OP and don't report. Sorry if this sounds harsh but his behaviour with hese children will escalate.
Whatever you feel for this man he isn't for you. You want children. That cannot happen with this man.
Don't be afraid of 'what people say'. I think you will god people would be very supportive, should you choose to tell them.
How shocking for you . I expect it doesn't feel real. You have no choice but to take the computer straight to the police. Can you make up a cover story whilst the dust settles and you formulate a plan for separating eg that you spilt coffee all over the computer and have sent it to be mended?
Please stay strong. You have done nothing wrong but will be complicit if you ignore this. I think you already know this. I am so sorry for you.
I agree with everyone else, you must phone the police. You have to protect the vulnerable girls.
What a horrible position to be in, do you have family who you can confide in?
How do you know he hasn't done anything illegal like download child porn? Are you that techno savvy?
His grooming of children is really really dangerous. He has already betrayed your trust. Please report him to the police. Immediately. Without his knowing so he doesn't get a chance to delete. They will come and take away the technology.
And - don't run from here. You're in shock and confused and devastated. There are people who will hold your hand and see you through this here even if you've articulated this as questions in your OP. Your mind must be racing and desperate for help.
Please do contact the police. Do it now and then come back for support.
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