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I want to die

(56 Posts)
maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 13:07:07

I have nc for this. I want to kill myself all I think about is how many pills I have. The reason I want to kill myself is because I have type 1 bipolar and on my last episode started a affair with my best friend. The problem is not only did I fall in love but discovered he has loved me since I was 13.

This affair is continuing and I still love my DH but the thought of choosing between my best friend who I love very much and my DH is making me want to kill myself so I don't have to. I also hate myself for lying to my dh and have stopped my meds as I don't deserve to feel well which means I'm depressed and the voices are back telling me to kill myself.

I hate what I am doing so much, I hate lying to dh and I just want to die

BelieveinWigan Fri 23-Aug-13 13:08:55

I think you need to get help. Killing yourself is never the answer

mcmooncup Fri 23-Aug-13 13:09:32

I am sorry you are having a hard time dealing with all the emotions.
Do you have rl support?

EricNorthmansFangbanger Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:09

Manic I didn't want to read and run. Please please please start taking your meds again. You do deserve to feel well, you really do. Is there any kind of crisis team you could contact? Or maybe the Samaritans? I'm sorry you're feeling this way and really sorry I don't have better advice for you, but I'm sure one of the lovely ladies here who have much better advice will be along shortly. Offering a hand to hold while we wait.

mcmooncup Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:46

Please do look at what you have written.

You started the affair when you were in the middle of an episode.
You hate what you are doing.

What do you think about finishing the affair, or at least telling him you need to take a break because you are not handling the lies very well?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:51

No no one knows I cant tell anyone I'm so ashamed and so angry at myself plus so many people will be hurt.

mcmooncup Fri 23-Aug-13 13:12:41

Missed the bit about the meds.
YES YES YES, can you start taking them again?

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:18:24


Madlizzy Fri 23-Aug-13 13:21:06

It's your bastard illness telling you that you don't deserve to feel well. It's wrong, you very much do deserve to feel well. Contact your CPN if you have one to try and help you get back on track. With the affair, stop it now, explaining that you're not well and it's not the right thing for either you or him to be doing as you have to concentrate on you, then your marriage. Please accept any help that is offered, because not only do you deserve to feel well, you deserve to stay well too. Be kind to yourself. x

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 13:21:28

I have spoke with the Samaritans but it still comes down to the same thing I have to choose.

MadameBlavatsky Fri 23-Aug-13 13:26:27

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are feeling like this because you are ill my love. Please recognise that this is sortable, your life is very precious and you can take steps now, right this minute to start to make this ok.

You NEED to get some help, and to start taking your meds again. Who can you call right now? A family member? your GP? Have you a MH support worker? You have taken the very first one by posting here. You are not alone. You have been through shit before and come out of it, you can change this now.

Please call someone, and keep talking. It is going to be ok, just keep reaching out.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:03:05

I can call one of my cpns but I'm going on holiday in two weeks and don't want to be admitted.

Pawprint Fri 23-Aug-13 14:05:48

Please seek help now - you will get through this.

I have bipolar too and have some dreadful and damaging things whilst high.

Phalenopsis Fri 23-Aug-13 14:08:37

"I'm going on holiday in two weeks and don't want to be admitted"

You won't be going anywhere if you kill yourself. You need help right now, not in two weeks or next month but now.

Phone your CPN or if it really comes to it, go to A&E. That's what a bipolar friend was advised to do as an absolute last resort.

RegTheMonkey Fri 23-Aug-13 14:20:48

Madame is right. This is temporary - death is permanent. This is sortable, but because you aren't properly medicated at the moment you can't see that clearly. Thank goodness you have posted in here at least. You don't want to hurt dh or lover - how much will your suicide devastate them? I can only join with the other posters to urge you to seek immediate help.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:24:28

Sweetheart, none of this is your fault - it's your illness. Everything - the affair, the not taking meds, the thinking of suicide - all typical behaviours with BPD.

I lost a very dear friend to this illness last year (crying for her, and you, right now). Please contact your CPN right now, or get down to A&E.

LM x

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:28:45

Thanks all I'm going up to see my cpn when my mum comes back to look after the dc.I just don't want to hurt either my husband or my friend. But there is no way out of this now without hurting someone.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:30:31

Lm I'm so sorry for your loss.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:32:17

Well done, maniclady - and please keep posting until then.

Would you like to tell us about your DC? Are they pre-school, or is this the summer holidays? (Just ignore, if you prefer)

Lweji Fri 23-Aug-13 14:38:26

Self preservation.

Forget the holidays.
Forget what others will think.

What you don't want is to leave those who love you behind.

Start your meds again and seek help now.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:39:40

My dc are 7,4 and 20months. I just feel so torn up over what to do I have known my best friend since I was 2 I don't want to hurt him but at the same time I love dh and don't want to leave him.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:46:29

As Lweji says, forget all this other stuff. You only need to focus on two things:
Getting yourself better
Making sure your children are safe

Presumably your friend knows about your illness, and possibly hasn't behaved very honorably himself. But let's forget about him for the moment, and concentrate on getting you well again.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 14:49:51

A load of questions . . . .
What time will your mum be there?
Does she know it's urgent?
Is your CPN expecting you?
How will you get to the clinic?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:56:02

I don't know when my mum will be here,she dleant know she thinks I'm just picking a prescription up I prefer it that way as otherwise everyone will know I'm ill ans I'll have awkward questions.Which I really can't deal with right now.

Cpn knows I'm coming yes and I'll drive to the clinic.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 14:57:13

Dleant should be doesn't stupid phone.

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