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(35 Posts)
notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 11:34:23

Ok. so that's a bit of an exageration.

Where to start. My stepdaughter is 26 yrs old and has a very poor education, therefore can only do menial jobs. She cleans and waitresses. She starts a job, loves it then leaves. She is always pleading poverty and dropping hints about how poor she is. Her Dad in the past has bailed her out far too much and so have her Grandparents which has made it all too easy.

On top of this, she smokes dope daily and seems to me to be a bit of an emotional wreck. Cries very easily and always seems to be in a bad place.

Her manners are apalling and she seems to think the world owes her a living. Its all about Me, Me, Me. What can I get out of my Dad, he owes me, kind of attitude.

I am trying really hard to bite my tongue but am finding it increasingly difficult to like her, let alone, love her. What dosnt help, is my husband says nothing. Dosnt want to upset her as he rarely sees her.

It is driving me mad. I cannot say anything without it causing a row. Should I just put up and shut up or should I continue to try to make him see what a mess she is and man up and say something to her, in the hope she may see sense???

MUjunkie Mon 13-Jun-16 16:20:42

Haha didn't notice that duhhhh confused
Shows where my heads at lately lol

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Mon 13-Jun-16 16:13:46

The last two posters could maybe start a new thread of their own? You are unlikely to get much of a response from the people upthread who have probably moved on since 2013!

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Mon 13-Jun-16 16:12:30


MUjunkie Mon 13-Jun-16 16:09:35

i know how you feel. My DP has 2 living at home in their 20s and they are exactly like this, although neither one works. I found it so frustrating, yet the more I tried to discuss the matter the angrier and more defensive DP got.
I moved out but carried on the relationship, hoping with some distance I could manage to keep my mouth shut, but 2 years later things are worse with them if anything. They completely take advantage and know exactly what they are doing yet he can't, or won't, see it!
We got into huge fight last week and he told me he will never make them leave or stop doing what he does for them. So I ended it, I've spent 6 years trying and I'm exhausted by it. They are his "kids" (although they are actually adults) and whatever angle I came at it from it ended badly.
I definitely think keeping your opinions quiet is the best way, in my case I just couldn't keep my mouth shut lol !

Vivalasvegas1999 Mon 30-May-16 21:56:12

I am having massive troubles with y step daughter..,she is nearly 18 and hasn't spoken to me for 2 years. Before Christmas I went to go to work and the back of yr car was completely covered with kids stickers, the type you buy in Poundland. We thought it was our neighbours grandchild so mentioned it to them, and to b honest things got a bit frosty between us. It turns out today that it was my step daughter and her lovely boyfriend who drove to our house in the middle of the nigh and did it because she was pee'd off with her dad. What worries me, is what will she do next! She's nearly an adult and doing really childish stuff but where does it stop? It's causing a lot of tension between me and my other half, and I have a 13 yo son to think of as well.
I am currently sitting on the bathroom floor writing this in tears as I dint know what else to do.
Why are people soooooooo mean? I only want nice things for her, but she seems intent on being horrible to me!

MrsWilberforce Fri 23-Aug-13 17:27:24

Glad to see you say the thread title is an exaggeration - she certainly doesn't sound anything like 'hell' - sad and frustrating certainly but not 'hell'. She is working, even if she has no ambition for more fulfilling roles and although the dope smoking isn't great you don't say that she's gone on to harder drugs which is the usual objection raised against dope.

It's interesting that you feel you should have to like or even love her - she is not your child and you've had no input to her upbringing so why would you? I think in her place I would resent it and she probably feels inadequate in comparison with your dc.

She sounds as if she's stuck in a teenage mindset of entitlement and resentment. Hopefully as she gets nearer to 30 she will grow up and realise she can stand alone and make a better life for herself.

pumpkinsweetie Fri 23-Aug-13 17:05:33

I wouldn't get involved in this at all. This is your dp & his ex partner's job, this girls sounds like she has many issues. She does sound in need of growing up, being in her late 20's but it's up to her parents to help her with that. There could be many reasons behind her behaviour and drug taking. She needs help not you putting your foot in, it will only make things 10 times worse.

stepmooster Fri 23-Aug-13 16:25:07

She's a drug addict, as she says she can't function without it. Until she kicks the weed she will never change. That's something she's got to want and can't be forced.

Every time someone helps her financially they are enabling her addiction.

My mother was an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser for many years.

I think DH wants to save his daughter, as I wanted to save my mother. He's on a hiding to nothing but he's got to figure that out for himself.

Sometimes addicts need to see what they've lost in order to turn things around.

Jan45 Fri 23-Aug-13 15:14:57

Right so you know he's basically a crap parent, you're happy to stay with him so if I was you I'd leave it alone cos you will never win or be right.

PatriciaHolm Fri 23-Aug-13 14:14:37

How is your relationship with your DH? You don't sound as if you respect him very much either, tbh, for good reason.

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 14:04:42

My children, even if I say it myself, are a credit to me. They are the total opposite. Work hard at school, 1 is off to Uni and have impecable manners. People are forever commenting on how beatiful they are, inside and out.

He is not the best at emotional support and hates conflict.

I have found all of your advise very useful and will continue with trying to have a good relationship with her, without being too involved.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 13:59:43

You're welcome smile

Well it sounds as if he gives her money to salve his own conscience but doesn't want to make the effort to actually do anything practical to help her.

All you can do is make the best relationship you can with her and let them both make their own decisions.

I hope he is better with your children?

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:57:04

Fairenuff - NO, not in a million years becuase he is in total denial. Honestly beleives this has got nothing to do with his past behaviour. He can be very arrogant at times. He is always right !!!

Just says, its her life, let her get on with it :-(

Thank you for your advice btw

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 13:52:37

Ah, now I'm starting to see where her low self esteem might come from. Would he consider family counselling, do you think. He has an opportunity to be an influence in her life now, is he man enough to step up?

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:34:45

LemonPeculiarJones - I have had so many rows with him about the taking responsibilty for her behavior. He needs to do that, but constantly blames her mother. He says he has not had enough influence in her life.

He has not been the best role model for work. He only works 2/3 days a week on average.

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:29:46

Fairenuff - great advise. Really is.... only one problem. My husband will not discuss his daughters behaviour with me. Its as though he has given up. He says she is what she is and is beyond redemption. I then argue that he must never give up on trying with her, even if it ends in a row, which it inevitably does.
I have said she is always welcome in our home, but she rarely comes.
I think she has no self esteem hence the constant tears.
As her stepmother, I will try my best to support her gently and not judge. Thank you, good advice

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 23-Aug-13 13:25:11

I imagine its hugely frustrating but it seems like you've got it sorted. I hope the extra cash your DH will now put in the joint account will make you feel less irritated about the money he gives her, which is, after all, his business.

However. He is enabling her half-life. His support of her do-nothing bumbling along is helping to prevent her from doing anything positive with her life. He is, in his own small way, partially responsible for her unhappiness, unfortunately.

She's 26 now but she'll get older like all of us, and be stuck in minimum wage jobs. She potentially has a life of poverty ahead of her. The dope smoking is an unbelievable waste too of course.

Every time your DH funds her car/nails/whatever he is funding her dope habit.

Maybe he could tell her he is starting a savings account for her specifically for training or other positive actions - instead of giving her cash. Controlling, perhaps. But preferable to killing her with kindness, maybe?

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 13:19:30

I think it's worth looking at what she may have been through in her young life. It sounds like she has low self esteem and needs support. Of course, no-one can force help on another adult but there are plenty of ways to gently support.

If you listen with a sympathetic ear and don't judge, she will be more likely to open up to you

If you open the doors of your home to her, she will feel that she has a safe place to go

If you ignore obviously challenging behaviour with calm dignity, she will feel cared for even when she is badly behaved

If you educate yourself about drug addiction you will be better equipped to discuss it with her

You can build up a relationship where she starts to trust you, as another adult, not just as a stepmum.

Would you be interested in any of that OP? Because if you are I think you could have a discussion with your dh about the best way to support her. Giving money that will be spent on drugs is not really a solution. But between you you could work out a plan of action and sit down with her and spell it out.

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:05

Emptychairs - Until recently my DH was putting in £100 more than me a month. This has led to huge resentment and he is now going to put in double (I do have 2 children at home, although 1 is off to uni in 2 weeks)

This will feel much more fair and then maybe I wont care so much what he gives her?

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:07:49

fairenuff - I think she is very vulnerable and a very immature 26. She is not interested in re-training. Thinks she can just get by doing the bare minimum.

notnotnee Fri 23-Aug-13 13:05:06

culycatkin - She has been smoking dope sinse she was 14 apparently. Totally hooked. Cannot function without it.

All the family have tried to warn her of the downward spiral this drug will get you into but she just says " Its not that easy to stop when you have been smoking it as long as me"

As far as education, she would not be remotely interested. Just wants to bumble along, doing as little as possible. Her words, not mine.

OctopusPete8 Fri 23-Aug-13 12:59:31

I would say bite your tongue,

she's 26, not 16.
Its her life,
She's not abusing you in anyway , just being annoying.
Apart from bad manners , you can pick her up on bad manners.

curlycatkin Fri 23-Aug-13 12:56:44

She admits to smoking dope daily?
Well that won't be helping will it!? She can't be in a good place mentally.
Maybe no-one has confronted her with the facts about how that drug can totally sap your energy and ability to deal with even simple things in life. If she's not careful she'll wake up in a few years wondering what the hell she's been doing wasting her life and prospects. Maybe her Dad or GP's (Definitely not you!!) need to present her with concerns about this and evidence. And let her know that she is valued and loved for who she is and they (perhaps) miss the person who is now a stoned mess? Hard but might make her think.
Maybe another crack at education she's interested in now she's older would work wonders.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 12:55:51

Is anyone advising her about possibly re-training or taking adult education classes? Does she have good enough literacy skills to apply for different jobs? She is young and could change the path her life is taking her.

At the moment it sounds like she is reacting to circumstances in her life rather than planning ahead. A bit lost and out of control. Perhaps she needs some guidance rather than being bailed out all the time?

Although she is 26, from what you have said she sounds like a young 26 and possibly a vulnerable person.

Jan45 Fri 23-Aug-13 12:53:32

I think regardless what she spends her money on, it's up to your DH what he gives her, I know that sounds unfair but honestly it would be more stress for you if you start nit picking at how much he is giving her and what she is doing with it.

And of course, make you really look like the wicked stepmother.

There's no harm in you speaking to him about your concerns though but I doubt it would make any difference.

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