Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trying 'The Rules' with OD. Anyone else attempted this?

(56 Posts)
akaWisey Thu 22-Aug-13 16:37:16

That's what I've decided to do. Joined POF last week, bought the Rules of Internet Dating and hoping for something better than I've had thus far….

Not sure how well this method translates however…….the last thing I want is marriage and the principle's all seem geared up to 'snare' a bloke into proposing.

Having said that, I can see all the mistakes I've made in the past with online dating blush and I've been able to rectify them.

Anyone else tried to do it differently and not felt you've sacrificed your own principles?

Dahlen Thu 22-Aug-13 16:52:59

The Rules make me want to vomit personally, but some of them are based on fairly sound principles, such as not behaving in a needy manner and not being too available because you already have your own, well-established and enjoyable life.

However, I would say that any well-rounded individual with a healthy, functional life doesn't need the rules. They should be able to just act in a way that feels right, trusting their own judgement.

Unfortunately, being a fabulous person doesn't guarantee a successful OD experience. While I know of a few success stories, I know of many more attractive, successful and hugely likeable women (and a few men) who have got nowhere with OD. It seems to be overrun with married men who like to send cock pics and women who are looking for knights in shining armour to rescue them, who dwarf the number of ordinary, sane people on them. IMO, the key to successful OD is not so much following someone else's set of rules it's to be far more selective about the sites you use (paid ones have a far higher success rate because they weed so much more effectively), and to recognise that if you don't find anyone that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means that the right person for you isn't single at this current time or he isn't on an OD site.

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but a healthy dose of realism is needed for negotiating OD and IMO The Rules doesn't provide it. Good luck in your search though.

dontcallmehon Thu 22-Aug-13 17:34:56

Me. I do need the rules as I tend to get too clingy and reveal too much early on. Had one OD that started well and now after 3 dates he has disappeared. Think the rules would have worked on him.

kittymchotpress Thu 22-Aug-13 17:48:43

let me know how you get on. I don't really think a certain type of approach will affect (effect?) the outcome...if someone's into you, and you them then it doesn't really matter how either of you handle it...BUT I'm coming round to the idea that being a bit more insouciant might be a good idea...might weed out the half arsed ones quicker. Hard lesson learnt - if they are not in touch its not because they are shy, dropped their phone dpwn the loo, had a terrible texting injury. sigh...

lemonmuffin Thu 22-Aug-13 18:30:14

The Rules are great, every time I've done them in a relationship it's worked brilliantly. You do have to make sure you stick to them though.

BreeWannabe Thu 22-Aug-13 18:32:39

Can I ask what The Rules are please? Can anyone summarise?

60sname Thu 22-Aug-13 18:38:15

I did the Rules 'lite' in the sense of trying not to appear desperate and not spilling my guts early on. But generally I think playing games is a waste of time - for one thing it's impossible to sustain a facade indefinitely.
(I have had just one relationship via OD, but we are marrying in the spring.)

60sname Thu 22-Aug-13 18:42:16

Oops, I forgot the bit you put about not wanting marriage, sorry, ignore me. smile

beaglesaresweet Thu 22-Aug-13 19:01:18

Ime it works on men who have been spoiled by other women, i.e. bog-headed ones who are shocked when someone doesn't chase them. But it's not so great on unconfident guys, at least then the rules-light work when you don't show desperation but do encouragethen a bit by initiating sometimes (not NEVER as the rules state, though they do say in the beginning). Imo the true rules aer just impossible to follow for more than 2-3 dates if you really like someone, you haev to be a tough, tough woman confused!

beaglesaresweet Thu 22-Aug-13 19:01:56

60s, do you mean you shouldn't mention wanting marriage on your OD profile?

beaglesaresweet Thu 22-Aug-13 19:02:33

sorry, big-headed, oops!

beaglesaresweet Thu 22-Aug-13 19:12:03

Dahlen, I always enjoy reading your posts, much wisdom there! But I think this one sounds a bit 'uppity', as the reality is, most single women (I'm not saying married ones are all balanced) often do not have 'healthy, balanced' lives, where everything is perfect - finance, social life, kids, work satisfaction, etc. People are not robots, and most of us are not perfect and not that confident, and we do feel needy at times and notr so balanced. Not all women are that strong emotionally. So don't be so condesceniding about 'damsels in distress' as opposed to the minority of 'normal' women, as they can be genuine, intelligent, nice women, just not some paragons of success in life. In a way they have more chance of finding a partner than women who apperar perfect and strong as men are also imperfect and vulnerable (nice ones), and they would relate to a normal woman (I call THAT normal) rather than someone who has it all - and usually has a long check-list for a future partner.

akaWisey Thu 22-Aug-13 19:19:40

I agree that the rules per se are just too unrealistic and yes, I wouldn't be myself were I to follow them religiously. It's true that generally it's not necessary to follow guidelines if one has a strong sense of who you are and what you want. But I haven't previously, having had a long marriage which ended somewhat disastrously. But now I know what I want.

Thing is, I've had many wasted hours and yes, I also agree the rules are more likely to work on guys who are used to getting it all their own way. These aren't the ones I'd go for, but I can now spot those who I would have wasted time on before. I actually didn't have a clue how to 'behave' in a context which, when I was younger and single, was thought to be only for the sad and lonely. Now I do.

And, having followed the initial few (pre-date zero) rules I've got three guys all asking me for a proper real life date, I haven't been a push-over and all of which I've accepted but not for the next week- because I don't want to be too ready to go out with them. That feels good!

akaWisey Thu 22-Aug-13 19:32:00

No I don't want marriage but I do want a relationship, and I'm pleased for anyone who sees marriage as a future - but I've done that and it doesn't have the same meaning for me any more.

60sname yes, that bit about not spilling too soon - even though these guys seem to want to know everything about you. Done that. Went nowhere on every single occasion. So this time my return messages (at least a day after they message me) are short, friendly and what do you know? They've either disappeared OR, I've been asked on a date.

In my situation I don't have the time or the inclination to join clubs, go to singles events/whatever so OD really is something I can do when I've got some time. I also don't agree that a paid site is more likely to get a better result. There are as many wealthy players and time wasters with cash to spend as there are without IME.

beaglesaresweet Thu 22-Aug-13 19:33:30

akaW, good luck! sounds like you've found your confidence and are holding back which of course does work to start with! But I still think that once you really fancy/like someone, it's very hard to posrpone dates, not to worry if he doesn't contact you for longer than normal, and notto try and get closre and share more. That's where the Rules are tough, as according to them, yo ushouldn't share much of yourself at all until he wants to be exclusive, and not to 'light up' in his presence too mucj, I mean, no one is that self controlled, surely?

But what you are doing is sensible, and I agree that it was a completely different ball-game when young (then I had to learn how to DIScourage them) grin

Moanranger Thu 22-Aug-13 19:35:09

I am a big fan of The Rules, especially in this age of texting, you can start swamping a guy with info without realising it. I think sociobiological lay men like " the hunt" and are not comfortable with being pursued. The Rules is built around that concept. I do think men sometimes need a bit of encouragement, but that is not the same as pursuit. In terms of communication, I think 60:40 works well, meaning he is contacting/ initiating just a bit more than you.

akaWisey Thu 22-Aug-13 19:44:38

Thank you beagles. I know it's hard to hold back when you really like someone - but I think the work I needed to do which the rules seem to have helped with is all the stuff about acknowledging when it's a no-goer and not making excuses, just saying "Wisey, he's just not that into you" and moving on.

Conversely there's a huge potential in OD for the rush to false intimacy (done that too blush) which holding back really helps to avoid.

akaWisey Thu 22-Aug-13 19:48:33

Yes, absolutely Moanranger, there are infinite ways in which we can unintentionally 'give' too much too soon - on both sides.

ladybranston Thu 22-Aug-13 20:07:26

i follow The Rules for all my dating - online, real life etc etc. it has literally changed my life and i cannot sing the book's praises enough. i love taking about it too, so happy to continue talking about it on the thread. you should know that Ellen and Sherrie (authors) have updated editions to use for online dating and texting etc. very very useful.

akaWisey Thu 22-Aug-13 20:34:28

lady yes I bought a kindle the other day and the first books I bought were The Rules and the Online Rules!!

I wish they said something about texting - I guess it's the same as any other message (at least that's how I'm interpreting it) so I've just counted the text exchange I've had with potential date and told him I had to go after 4 messages. It's hard not to get into too much information when being asked questions - I'm used to what Ellen and Sherrie would call 'spilling' <cringes>.

Well any advice you can give would be really helpful lady. smile

beaglesaresweet Thu 22-Aug-13 23:13:28

ah, so there is a new book! is it just online or in the shops (or just an extra chapter in the usual book)?

I'm really baffled by online dating, the usual thing is so much more straight forward! You are pushed into 'interviewing' each other, and if nothing happens fast, they just move on prior to the meeting as they interpret short messages or lack of as lack of interest from you - and they aer npt invested until they meet and REALLY fancy you. There is no usual flirtation and building up anticipation online either. I'm really not a fan.

beaglesaresweet Thu 22-Aug-13 23:15:57

the other thing is - you can't really hold back with info, as OD starts with finding out about each other through messages before deciding to meet - you can't just be evasive to all his questions, but I hate spilling lots of info about myself to strangers. Any advice on that aspect, lady, or OP?

akaWisey Fri 23-Aug-13 07:58:51

beagles there is both the kindle and hard copy of the OD Rules.

Yes the idea of 'interviewing' is an issue that I've been thinking about.

The authors ask you to treat the OD messaging thing the same as you would if you met someone in any other RL context. If it were real life, so they argue, you'd spend about half an hour chatting but NOT giving chapter and verse about how shit your ex was (even if that's true), laying your relationship requirements out on display, telling your life story etc.

If after that half hour is up he hasn't asked for your number or email address (!) you move on. If he has offered you his number (which happens ALOT in OD) you return the offer by giving him yours but DO NOT phone him first no matter how attractive he is. Same applies to online messaging - imagine you that half hour chat and stop after 4 messages (I think that's a bit arbitrary though).

They reckon that those blokes who go for the online interview are merely information collectors who aren't looking to meet anyone but are gathering the sort of knowledge which improves their chances of engaging more women but ONLY ONLINE. That makes sense to me and has been my mistake in the past and further to that they argue that endless exchanges of information online kills the intrigue and it fizzles out. That has been true for me - I've simply run out of steam before now. And, after all, you're talking to a photo - why would you share personal information with someone you've never even met? Guilty Your Honour. Done that too. But not any more grin.

I agree, it IS more difficult for any chemistry to build with OD. I don't think being evasive is what they mean. I think they mean don't give very specific information. For example I was asked the typical question last night - "How are you finding OD, have you had lots of dates?". I answered that I'm new, haven't really formed an opinion yet and OD is just ONE of the things I am doing with my life. He didn't press it, I don't feel I was evasive, I was protecting myself because I don't know this guy from Adam. And this is where the experience from RL dating kicks in - if he's really interested he'll take a risk and ask me out on a proper date. What's the worst that can happen? I'll say no thanks and he'll just move on!

akaWisey Fri 23-Aug-13 08:04:43

Sorry this is epic but I also wanted to add (if you're interested!) that there are people, like me, who really do better in life when there ARE 'rules'/guidelines/structure in any context. Rules (or whatever you like to call it) give a framework for containing anxiety and uncertainty and they help keep one grounded in reality even in the virtual world.

Dahlen Fri 23-Aug-13 11:25:50

beaglesaresweet - thanks for the compliments and the observations. No offence taken and feedback is always appreciated. I didn't intend to come across as condescending. Being far from perfect myself, the last thing I meant to imply was that only perfect well-balanced people should attempt to date. The point I was trying to make (perhaps badly) was that if you are a bit lost or have a slightly messy life for whatever reason, you really are so much more vulnerable to the sorts of predators who prey on women who use OD sites and IMO the rules can actually make you more at risk because of the way it encourages men and women to conform to gender stereotypes.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: