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What do you do if one of you is bisexual?

(22 Posts)
Hollibaloo Thu 22-Aug-13 16:27:34

In the past I had experiences with women. Have been with dh for 7 years, he knows I'm bi and the thought turns him on. We've spoken about a threesome which I would like to do but he thinks he'd get jealous. I love dh and don't want a relationship with a woman but I feel sad I'll never have experiences with a woman again. Has anyone experienced this? How do you get past it?

Dahlen Thu 22-Aug-13 16:31:13

You talk and keep talking until you are both absolutely clear on your boundaries, both as individuals and as a couple.

Nothing wrong with threesomes if all involved are clued-up and consenting. If he's worried he'll get jealous, explore that. If its a feeling that persists, be aware you could ruin your marriage.

The fact that you feel sad you'll never experience sex with another woman again is a bit irrelevant. Even if you were heterosexual, unless you've agreed to have an open relationship, you won't get to have sex with another man either. You're either monogamous or you're not, but sexual orientation is neither here nor there, unless you think your bisexuality leans more towards women than men and you've made a mistake marrying a man.

Hollibaloo Thu 22-Aug-13 16:35:03

I don't have any regret over not being able to sleep with another man again. Dh and I have a great sex life and I'm very attracted to him. I think he would love a threesome but maybe worries he'll get overexcited...! We've spoken about it hypothetically and what we'd both be happy with if we did it. He's massively turned on by talking about it but then always ends conversation with 'but I think I'd be jealous'

SinisterSal Thu 22-Aug-13 16:38:38

What about you? Would you be jealous? It doesn't sound like you (pl) are quite ready yet,( if you ever will be).

Also if you decide to go monogamous you will be sad you will never sleep with a blond/dark/balck/white man again. Monogomy means cutting out 99.99999999% of the people in the world not just 50% !

Dahlen Thu 22-Aug-13 16:39:30

Do you think he's saying that because he genuinely fears it, or has he simply absorbed the social conditioning that maintains that if you really love someone you wouldn't be able to bear the thought of someone else touching them sexually? Maybe he's worried that you'll interpret him saying he's fine about it as a sign he's not fully committed to you or that it some how makes him less of an alpha male if he doesn't get all territorial about his woman. Is that a discussion you can have with him? There are some interesting avenues to explore about that, which can only serve to strengthen your relationship even if you decide to leave threesomes well alone.

str8tothepoint Thu 22-Aug-13 17:01:36

Don't do it, your relationship can't be great if you want 3sums. Your committed to a relationship with him, not messing with another woman even though he's ok with it. More of a fantasy for him and his needs, would you be open if he was bi to watch him with another man. You chose him, not him plus a woman when you get the urge

Hollibaloo Thu 22-Aug-13 22:46:25

Dahlen I think maybe he worries that it could be a slippery slope and that I would then want to have one with a man, which I really really don't. I love him and do have a great relationship, I would never give it up so I could experiment more but if he likes the thought so much then I think it could be worth trying

Darkesteyes Fri 23-Aug-13 01:33:58

str8 the OP and her dh are talking about a threesome where all three parties are decieit involved. Its the business of the couple involved and the third consenting party.
I read an interesting article in Psychologies magazine this month about sex therapy.
Esther Perel was discussing the fact that ppl are becoming more open to relationships being non monogamous.
Str8 you are talking in social constructs.

CharityFunDay Fri 23-Aug-13 01:55:07

I'm bisexual and I understand where you're coming from OP.

When you can play for either team, restricting yourself to one gender feels like a loss of sorts. Sexuality is a form of expression and for a bisexual to commit to one gender feels a bit ... stifling.

(Perhaps this is why I'm 42 and terminally single).

If a threesome now and again would help scratch that itch, then I'd say go for it -- your H sounds like he's excited yet terrified by the prospect.

But if your relationship is built on a firm foundation of trust, the experience would probably make you stronger.

You need to make sure that you don't fall for any of your 'third spoke' bed-partners. That way lies nothing but trouble.

Of course, not all bisexuality is 50/50. You can be gayer than you are straight, or vice-versa. If you are secretly gayer than straight, then perhaps you ought to be reassessing your original relationship, rather than dabbling in threesomes, because it will all end in tears.

In summary: Tread boldly but with care.

xalyssx Fri 23-Aug-13 02:08:28

DP and I have said that if we ever have a 3some, it will be no penetrating allowed, just hands on bits and mouths on nipples...

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 23-Aug-13 07:17:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hollibaloo Fri 23-Aug-13 09:18:38

Xalyssx - we have discussed that rule too! I think the chances of either of us falling for someone else are about one in a million. We both want to be together for life, no two ways about it. I think I may be more gay than straight in that I find women more attractive than men, am more turned on by lesbian porn than straight etc but how I feel about dh is completely different to how I've ever felt about anyone, as is the level of sexual attraction.

scaevola Fri 23-Aug-13 09:27:44

I think your DH enjoys the fantasy, but knows he doesn't want to do it for real. Fantasies are like that. And having a partner with whom you can share fantasies is a good thing.

If you decided on a monogamous relationship, then you chose to forsake all others (of either sex). If you decide this is not what you want, then you might have to think about the long-term future of your marriage, as your DH appears to be telling you that monogamy is what he wants.

SkylerRose Fri 23-Aug-13 09:30:30

My dh and I are both bi. Long story short it was though our ex's we met and went out together as a group got drunk and ended up staying the weekend. Things happened and 2 years later he split up with his oh and a year after he admitted he liked me and I wasn't happy with my oh and we got together.... That was 4 years ago. 3sums might sound fun but I would never go down that route again for fear of loosing him ( but I am highly insecure) sad

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 23-Aug-13 10:29:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiffanyAtBreakfast Fri 23-Aug-13 12:43:20

This is a bit of a generalisation but IME if a guy really wants to do it they will be the one pushing the issue. Your DH finishing every conversation with the same "but I'll get jealous" feels like an alarm bell to me. Sounds like he likes the idea of it but that's how he wants it to stay - A sexy idea that just might happen.

I think threesomes always seem like a fun idea but are terrible in theory. My best friend had one and her partner could never shake the image of her with the other party, and they split up.

Have to say I agree with those saying that choosing to be with a person forever is a choice not based on the sex of the person but by choosing that person, regardless of being bi, hetero, etc.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Fri 23-Aug-13 12:57:47

I don't know your backstory but I would say don't have a 3some if he is already saying he would get jealous. Personally I would never want a 3some. I would like to have sex with a woman again, frankly, I miss it, but I wouldn't want to do it as part of a group and I wouldn't really want to have sex with a woman who wants to have sex with and audience. I miss women in a way that I don't miss other men but that's the shitty thing about being bi. When I was with my ex, I missed men but I've never been the polyamourous type. I have a bi friend married to a man who is 'allowed' to have sex with women and while part of me is insanely jealous that she gets to do that, another, possibly more grown up part of me thinks it's ridiculous. I would hate the thought of DH going off and shagging other people because the particular type of sex was something I couldn't do and wouldn't push him into being OK with me doing that because it would fuck up our marriage which is worth more than an orgasm.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Fri 23-Aug-13 13:00:13

I also think a straight mans view of what a 3some with 2 women who are into each other may be very different from the reality. Remember in friends when Ross's and his ex had a 3some with Carol? He went and made a sandwich. It's not like lesbian porn, designed to please the viewer.

QuintessentialOldDear Fri 23-Aug-13 13:01:29

"but I feel sad I'll never have experiences with a woman again. "

This actually has very little to with sexuality, but with sexual attitudes.

How would you feel if your husband said he felt said he would never have experiences with other women again? It is just sex.

I am sure that this is exactly the attitude to sex and relationship that people who have affairs, or one night stands behind their partners backs. The gender is irrelevant. If you were totally committed to your husband, you would not want other sexual partners.

This is what you need to address, that you dont want a monogamous relationship, and that you should think about what this means for your relationship.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 13:09:49

I agree with scaevola

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 23-Aug-13 13:11:27

There seems to be a backstory, I take it?

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 23-Aug-13 19:56:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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