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DH on holiday... so I looked through his wallet

(43 Posts)
mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:09:49

Dh has taken the kids away for a few days. Not unusual as we do pretty much everything separately at the moment. We are separated though still living together for financial reasons and I don't expect us to get back together. I also don't see how we'll end it, tbh. I have no money to move out. He's not violent or nasty, we just get on with it for the kids.

Just looked through a an old wallet stuffed full of work receipts and found:

a. Half (!) a large red triangular tablet that I googled and now think is a 'generic' Viagra rip off

b. A paying in slip from the bank with the name of suspected OW on it, for £100 from 2011

c. A business card with the (unusual) name of a sports instructor on it that he used when on holiday with 'friends'. Having looked at OW's Facebook (before she blocked me!) I know she follows this guy and now firmly suspect she was also on the same holiday - he denied it before.

I could list all the other ways I've suspected he's cheated, including earrings in the laundry ( I don't wear them), unexplained dog hairs in his car (she has one) etc etc... I'm not devastated because I want him for myself. I don't. I'm just fucking angry he's taking me for an idiot and not having the balls to admit it when I tell him I know he's seeing/has seen someone else.

What would you do when he got back? Don't say 'have his stuff in the garden waiting for him' because I'm past all that.

He's taking the piss but I just want to get him to finally admit it after having confronted him SO many times before and he's lied his way out of it and made me feel like I was a nagging bitch for going on about it.

Sorry this was long. I have three days to get this sorted in my head.

BaldricksTurnip Thu 22-Aug-13 16:17:36

Why in God's name is he still living with you? I can't think of anything more miserable than ending a relationship and still being stuck with the person. Financial reasons would not be enough to endure such an unsatisfactory situation sorry.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 16:17:44

D'you know what, I would cut my losses and look for a way of getting out, even if it means struggling financially - I'd rather do that than live the way you are, it's not healthy and tbh so what if you have found all that, you suspected anyway and the relationship between you and him is over, you don't see a way back so what is the point - you must be entitled to something from the house if married no?

It just sounds like you're stuck in limbo at the moment and I don't really `get` why you want him to now start telling the truth, it aint gonna happen, why would he and who cares if she was on holiday.

If it makes you feel better then tell him you know but don't expect any truth about it from him, esp if you are both living separate lives.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:19:14

It is pretty miserable, but I think living in a bedsit with two kids might be worse :-(

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:20:05

You're so right, Jan45, it is limbo and he will NEVER tell the truth

emmelinelucas Thu 22-Aug-13 16:20:26

So..if you confront him, and he admits to it all. What are you going to do then ? Do you think it will clear the air ?
will anything actually change, because he is doing exactly as he pleases at the moment, and think about it-was the wallet hidden, or does he really not care if you found it or not ?

BaldricksTurnip Thu 22-Aug-13 16:20:43

If he's been having an affair them you make damn sure it's him and not you moving to a bedsit missus!

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 16:20:55

Surely you would get the house with having children, can't he do the decent thing and move out for god's sake?

Honestly - I'd rather live in a bedsit - I don't think I could cope with that much misery.

BaldricksTurnip Thu 22-Aug-13 16:21:28


IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous Thu 22-Aug-13 16:26:18

You are separated. You need to let it go. I say this not for his sake but for yours. I have seen what happens when 1 party clings on and it isnt pretty. I suspect the best way yo7 can hurt him is to move on and not give a flying fuck.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:26:26

It wasn't hidden away particularly, but not somewhere he'd expect me to snoop through. And on my reasonable days I can't ask him to move out because I don't want my kids living in one room with him when they're with him.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:27:13

IKHWWD - that made me LOL. I am heading that way...

Bogeyface Thu 22-Aug-13 16:28:56

Its easy to say "I would rather live in a bedsit" but not so easy when you are actually facing that with 2 kids.

OP I do think that he has to move out. The kids need their home, better they live in one room for the night once a fortnight than in a home full of hate and bitterness.

BaldricksTurnip Thu 22-Aug-13 16:28:58

Then kids don't stay with him unless he sorts out decent accommodation. You can't take responsibility for what he does, you need to think about yourself and your kids because he certainly isn't.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 16:31:17

Fair enough, I was just meaning anything to get away but yes of course HE should be the one living in a bedsit. Sorry OP but it sounds like your making excuses to actually stay. Have you not even discussed separately properly? You are entitled to happiness you know.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 16:31:40


mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:37:02

I think I'm just so used to being miserable that I've forgotten what it's like to be happy at home.
We don't have any savings, though I could probably manage the mortgage solo at a push if I really pushed it for more overtime at work.

We got in such a financial mess a few years ago that I know I would never get another mortgage in a million years. Our credit ratings are shot.

I think I've been looking for proof he's been playing away to giv myself an excuse to do something about the situation. But as you've rightly pointed out, it's doomed anyway.

Time for some tough talking I think

PostBellumBugsy Thu 22-Aug-13 16:39:41

You are afraid of making that final split. Yes, it may suck financially but it will also release you from this vile half life that you are living at the moment.

Do you & your H own the home you are currently living in - or is it rented? Do you work at all?

If you & your H own your home then you tell him he has to move out. You start arranging the divorce & you don't worry about the kids having to stay in a one bed place every 2nd weekend.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:42:19

We own it, paying the mortgage.
I do work, but my earnings are abysmal as I'm self emplyed and all this situation has made me depressed and struggling to motivate myself.

I think about divorce and all I an think about is how much it would cost

HighJinx Thu 22-Aug-13 16:43:01

You know he has cheated. He knows you know he has cheated. He is a twunt and refuses to admit it. These, among other things, are why he is your ex.

Him admitting it now would not suddenly make him respectful of you or less of a twunt.

PostBellumBugsy Thu 22-Aug-13 16:45:13

Ok, so maybe if you seized control back again - you'd feel better & a bit more incentivised and motivated.

Divorce doesn't have to cost vast sums of money - it only does if you end up going to court. If you can come to a financial arrangement through mediation, then it'll cost alot less than your wedding did! wink

HighJinx Thu 22-Aug-13 16:46:43

Can you put aside these thoughts just for a while and say for the next xxx hours I'm not going to worry about ex or money and I'm going to focus on work or going out and having fun etc.

Give yourself permission to take time out from the worrying even if its just for a bit.

You don't need to get divorced to move on. Not straight away.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:48:00

PBB, that's it. I need to TAKE CONTROL. You've hit the nail on the head.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:49:22

High Jinx, you're so right, I need to find a way to be able to separate this in my head from everything else. Just seems to overwhelm me

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 16:50:49

If the mortgate is repayment could you contact the lender and go on interest only, maybe until the house could be sold and you could afford a smaller place or at least rent somewhere and claim housing benefit. If this guy was even a decent parent he'd move out and leave you in peace.

Agree with above, in the meantime go about finding little bits of happiness for yourself, ie, meeting up with friends, cinema, anything that gives you a bit of a social life; I think you have become totally stuck and the longer you stay the worst it will get, he'll do as he pleases whilst you rummage for proof - you don't need it, you already know it's dead in the water.

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