Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Ridiculous middle-aged crush- need to get over it.(46 Posts)
First of all, I know how ridiculous this is going to sound. (It's also similar to a recent thread on here, which was very helpful to read.)
At 44, I have developed a huge crush on someone who works at a place that my son and myself attend every week. I think that the feeling was pretty much mutual- meaningful eye contact, chats etc.
I hardly know him- almost certainly married & children. But I got totally carried away with him in my head. It was just nice that someone looked at me like a woman and not just X's mother. I don't think I imagined it- deeply sexual eye contact, makes an effort every week to talk to me etc. And the conversations were longer and longer- he was digging a bit for details about me etc. Of course, this then developed in my head into a whole full-blown thing.
I hardly know him but much to my mortification I sent an FB message this week (very innocent, ostensibly- he did something nice for my son.) (But of course you don't need to be a genius to see the intent behind the message.)
I am praying it went into the 'Other' folder because essentially it means: I found out who you are, I like you.
Honestly, I know I'm over-reacting a bit but I feel mortified. I don't even know why I did I- I can't handle a FB message, never mind an affair.
No reply, of course (thankfully).
I just want to not feel like this. I know I need to work on my current (long-standing) relationship (sex life not good; my SO appears to not have any emotions ). I don't know what I'm asking, really- how to get over this, I guess?
Obviously I won't be attending this place again (for a long, long time) and so the chances of me running into him are nil.
I feel dreadful- stupid, embarrassed, idiotic. But i did/do like him. Ugh. Any tips/hints on how to deal with this would be helpful. (I do have a history of silly little crushes in the last two years or so; I think I am just coming out of a post-natal haze and realising there is a woman here, not just a mother.)
Sorry to ramble. I can't blame him, really. Yes, he encouraged me a bit but I'm sure it was all harmless to him and he didn't give it a thought.
I want to:
i. Not feel like this about him;
ii. Stop acting like an idiot; and
iii. Not do this again.
Thanks if you got this far.
TBH it all looks a bit silly now, and me a grown woman and all!
Yes, it's the fantasy I pick; I need to keep telling myself that. Interestingly it's kind of running its course; there was so little to go on that it's getting quite boring to go over the old events; without any fresh meetings, it quite literally goes nowhere so there is no new fuel.
One of the lessons is to not repeat this pattern again.
it's taking a long time, isn't it? What a headf**k. But you're not picking this man, it's all a fantasy. You're picking the fantasy. How exhausting your imagination must be! It will fade, honestly, and look very silly in a year's time (in fact you'll forget it). AS LONG AS YOU STAY CLEAR. Boundaries, my girl, boundaries ;)
Quick update (mainly for myself, but thanks to anyone who reads!)
Three week no contact. I really miss him at the moment. Obviously I'm not going to go and see him but God, it's bad today. Don't know why today, particularly. Got a lot of general work/life stress so maybe I'm fixating on him to distract myself....dunno. Wish I knew when I would stop feeling like this.
I suppose it's just disappointment; disappointment about something that was never going to happen anyway. Or disappointment about an idealised situation and the loss of that ever happening, probably ever again?
I think I am mourning the thing that never happened and might have been; but also it's like a break-up. It's like when you end a relationship/freindship and you REALLY know you mustn't /shouldn't contact them but you kind of want to....to see if they still like you, or think about you....I know he doesn't though.
I still keep wondering what was going on in his head which I know is futile. I will never know, and the answer appears to be 'not much'. So it's a silly question to ask. But I still wonder.
I live very near where he works and keep thinking I might bump into him (possible but unlikely and I sure as hell won't go there! Obv.). Can't quite let it go, even though I know I have to.
Will very probably see him in 6/7 weeks or so....yikes. I'm sure it will be fine (he is unfailingly polite) but I hope to be almost over it by then. Hopefully.
I am very busy which helps, but I feel like a big emotional hole has been left, which again is silly because it was all of my own fantasy creation anyway. Well, I'm sure he liked me/found me attractive but all the rest was in my head.
Read Natalie Leu's book about dreamers and fantasists (forgot the name) and it was really good- it helps to see it in black and white. This thread also helps enormously and I keep coming back and reading it- so thanks.
Oh, and I'm in counselling. Keep repeating patterns with my emotionally unavailable father-- keep picking the same kind of man- either literally unavailable or emotionally withdrawn.
Thank you. I feel like a better person, at least. Or a bit better, anyway.
Yup, over-thinking and over-analysing is what I do....but it's getting easier.
Just to update:
One week with no contact. It's hard, but getting easier. Today has been tough- I would normally see him. But I have been OK. Sad, disappointed, but OK.
Natalie Lue's 'No Contact' book and the fantasy one (forgot the title) have been invaluable- essential reading.
Thanks for all the advice and hand-holding. Nowhere near 'there' yet (still having fantasy meet-ups in my head) but I am trying hard to limit the mental space I give this.
Hope all who are reading and who contributed to this thread are doing OK. Thanks again. xxx
I'll try and update if I have anything else of use to add (and to stop myself from backsliding).
I know what you mean about physical pain though. Now I know I can't see him again my stomach clenches.
Thanks MH. I am sorry for your pain. It comes through in every line.
I am reading the Baggage Reclaim NC book and it is very helpful and makes a lot of sense. I need to stay strong, though.
Emotionally unavailable men, eh? Ugh. But perhaps I was doing the same thing.
Hi again OP. Yes, you would be back at square one. I went NC for well over a month and then OM contacted me via email on my birthday. This resulted in us being back in contact for a month as friends. For the first time I thought about his OH and how she would feel if she knew and what a total rat and game player he really was.
I had already deleted his text number so I then deleted and blocked him on Outlook. It put me right back to square one and I was so low I felt physical pain. I've now been NC for well over a month again and have put plans into place which means I'll never have to see him again. I finally feel strong and empowered and tbh I pity him because I know he will never be truly happy or satisfied. I also pity his OH because she obviously has no idea about our 5 month EA and of the kind of man he really is.
Btw I had conversations in my head too but it didn't stop me I hope your stronger than me x
I knew this - don't worry! I wish I were: wise instead of just wiser.
Thanks- yup, I just can't see him anymore, at least not for a very long time. I know I would be back to square one if I did.
BTW upthread, I meant that you should be a counsellor, not be in counselling- hope that was clear! Sorry if not. And thanks for all the advice- much, much appreciated. You are very wise.
If I were you - don't put yourselves in a situation where you're alone with the OM whatever you're telling yourself now. Which you know anyway. Good luck!
Thanks kerstina and delilah. Interestingly my partner does know a bit about the OM (I did discuss his attraction to me in a jokey way) and this did take the sting out of it , a little. But no, the fantasising hasn't protected me from falling in a fairly embarrassing manner.
Anyway...interestingly (to me, anyway) I spent a lot of last night and early this morning having conversations in my head with the OM about how it couldn't happen, was a bad idea etc. etc. for all the reasons we have discussed above. Which makes me sound like a lunatic but actually shows that I have moved from thinking this might happen to knowing it won't. Which is a healthy development, I think.
Obviously, this isn't anything I would ever actually say to the OM but it's helping me to get a sense of [cliche alert] closure.
Hello MiddleAgedCrush. Your messages remind me of how I felt before breaking up my last relationship (no DC thankfully). I felt sexually unsatisfied and had loads of crushes. My partner now things are completely different, and I never would get these crushes. It IS to do with unfulfilled sex drive, or at least un-noticed erotic aspects.
Oh, I think being attracted to other people is fine - entirely human. And a good thing if you can share it with your spouse too - this has a tendency to neutralise the flutters. Doesn't protect you though from mid-life crushes or the sort of fantasising which would embarrass a teenager. Especially your own teenager.
I can identify this too but I try to see the positive side of being attracted to other people. I would rather have someone i am attracted to be around than not at all. I t just reminds us we are alive! My DP has admitted he finds another school mom attractive but oddly I don't mind. I trust him. I find other people attractive too but what stops me going any further is how i would feel if my partner cheated on me. Plus i would probably have a breakdown as could not live with the guilt.
You are right about the danger zone 40's, though have been shocked at so many couples splitting up in the final years of my sons primary school.
blueshoes, yes, it is a dangerous age....50 is round the corner.It is hard, to know that there will be a day (pretty soon) when the looks and slimness really will go and with it one of my main sources of self-esteem. Sad, but true.
saferniche Eipcurean, ah, how nice. I actually think I should also read some of the Stoics- lots of wisdom there.
blueshoes - far from oblivion, I promise you ;)
not pious at all, and I'm sorry it happened to you in the past too.
Good for you. In fact, MAC, you are an Epicurean, a pleasure seeker.
'To be valued and esteemed is agreeable just because one's life is thereby more secure and full of pleasure. Hence we consider that dishonesty is to be avoided not simply because of the troublesome turn of events which it leads to, but much rather because its presence in one's heart prevents one ever breathing freely or finding peace.
... One cannot live pleasantly unless one lives wisely, honourably and justly; and one cannot live wisely, honourably and justly without living pleasantly.'
and that is via some bloke called Cicero, so nothing new there.
OP, I am your same age. I think the name you have given yourself is instructive.
You are attractive but why put yourself down using terms like "middle aged" which imply you are not?
It is a dangerous age. I sometimes feel like it is my last gasp before I head into my fifties and oblivion (this is just now I feel).
It is hard as I have for a large part of my life defined myself by my looks <cough cough> to have to involuntarily give up the affirmation I get from occasional male admiration. Hence the need to re-double my efforts to hang onto that feeling. I have started paying a lot more attention to my grooming of late ...
Mexican- yes, this is how I feel now- invisible. But yes, I think the OM stares etc. so much to get back a reflection that he too is still attractive (which he is, very).
Saferniche you touch on something very important to me. I will sound unbearably priggish and pious here but in my working and personal life I have always tried to do the right thing; I also do lots of volunteering and so on, vegetarian. Obviously I am no saint but I try to add good mojo to the world and do I think this partly explains why I am so upset- it's not the kind of thing I do, or should do. The damage to my self-image if I did anything would be unbearable and not something I could live with- possibly smashing two families and causing so much hurt. And having had it done to me in the past I know exactly how it feels.
Again this does sound pious but it is a powerful force in preventing me from acting further, so I need to keep remembering that.
OP I get you. I too make an effort to always look nice. I do lots of exercise to stay slim and think I always make the best of myself. My H never complimented me, never told me I looked nice, infact I may as well have been invisible. It was the OM telling me how stunning, beautiful, funny etc. I was that sucked me in. I realise now that it's because he also wanted to know he was still attractive and I was simply stroking his own ego.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.