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Stuck in a loop with what H had done, how do I stop it upsetting me?

(23 Posts)
Allofthis Wed 21-Aug-13 22:17:26

At the start of the year I went into hospital for an op, a few weeks before this H went in for the snip. After this op I had to refrain from sex for several weeks. H understood but wasn't keen as he was worried he wasn't going to do the required amount of ejaculations for his test time (which made me hmm anyway as it was 20 or so times in 4 months).

A day or two after I came out of hospital he took himself off to the loo and spent 45mins at least, there. This went on at least daily for a few weeks.

I asked him what he was doing one day, when I got frustrated with him disappearing and leaving me feeling unwell alone with DS for so long for no real reason.

He told me he was off wanking to porn each day to get his number up, I cried as he was more interested in wanking than helping me recover.

Now it's many months later and this is still upsetting me, I don't really know why. How do I go forward and get over it?

TramadolDaze Wed 21-Aug-13 22:31:53

Welcome to Mumsnet OP.

Have you told him that you're so upset?

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 22:35:46

I don't understand why he needs to ejaculate a certain number of times.

If it's for a test on a certain date, why not just change the date? confused

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Wed 21-Aug-13 22:38:32

They dont have to hit the number - its more of a fact that after twenty ejaculations the procedure is deemed to be complete? My OH had it done recently. At no point was he told to have ejaculated 20 times by test date.
I think your OH has been very insensitive.

Allofthis Wed 21-Aug-13 22:39:45

I have told him this before, he can't see why I'm still going over it- to him the matter is sorted.

It was a sperm count and he wanted to get it all over with as soon as he could, they needed to do two tests a month apart on the dates given.

Allofthis Wed 21-Aug-13 22:41:35

It may have been a rough figure that he took to be as a minimum, I don't mind him having a wank at all, but to do it daily, with the DC and I at home in the day made me feel crappier than i was tbh.

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 22:44:02

OK so although he didn't have to wank that much, it's his preferred choice.

He could have chosen a time when your ds was asleep so that it didn't inconvenience you during your recovery. That would have been more considerate.

But what is it that's still upsetting you, the wanking or the porn?

Allofthis Wed 21-Aug-13 22:46:52

It's the wanking thats getting me, looking back it was almost an obsession, he couldnt go a day without it.

DogonBed Wed 21-Aug-13 22:47:41

What's upsetting you is his manner of informing you - he could have done this privately if he felt it was necessary. He wanted you to know. He wanted to make you feel inadequate in servicing him

RhondaJean Wed 21-Aug-13 22:51:33

It's literally to flush the tubes out.

I'm sorry but if you had an issue with the porn use I would get it. If he had been pestering you for sex I would get it.

The wanking? To borrow an overused phrase on here, "his body his choice". How old is your DS though? How much did you actually have to do while he was away for 45 minutes? I'm thinking it's not so much the activity as the leaving you for 45 minutes that the issue is with?

meditrina Wed 21-Aug-13 22:53:10

For post vasectomy semen analysis, it is (according to Marie Stopes) 20 ejaculations or 16 weeks - whichever is later. Plus a further test two weeks later. Or later than that, if earlier samples not clear. Wanking to clear the pipes can be part of this, but it's not necessary. So there really is no operation related reason.

Has he had an 'all clear' and if so, has your sex life resumed?

Allofthis Wed 21-Aug-13 22:55:11

DS had just turned 1, not fussed about him doing his own thing, he regularly disappears off into the garden for hours but I felt it was really uncaring to go and have a wank while i was recovering from a quite horrid biopsy under GA.

He does and did pester for sex, before I had the op i had 'oh, how will i cope without sex for that long' pity party.

Allofthis Wed 21-Aug-13 22:57:43

He has had the all clear and our sex life has resumed, albeit not to what it was pre DC2, and not as often as hewould like.

RhondaJean Wed 21-Aug-13 22:57:49


See, that's a bit of a different perspective that there gives.

I'm not sure tbh - there's a bit of me thinking YAbu and another bit thinking he could have been more sensitive about it - YAbu is based on the dynamics of my relationship though and yours sound totally different.

Hope the biopsy results were good?

Allofthis Wed 21-Aug-13 23:00:23

Thank you, I knew I was probably being a little U about it.

The biopsy came back as well as I could have hoped and the last biopsy was clear- so I am thankful for my health

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 23:07:52

I too think he was doing it on purpose to wind you up. He didn't need do it for medical reasons. If he needed to do it because he 'felt the urge' then he wouldn't need to look at porn.

So it's all been designed to 'get back' at you for denying him sex imo. No wonder you are upsest.

However, if there are no other concerns in the relationship, just put it down to a bout of twattishness and move on now.

Leavenheath Thu 22-Aug-13 02:58:40

This is pretty straightforward to me.

Don't have a problem with wanking. I'm sure we all do it.

Do have a problem with using porn to do it. It's totally unnecessary.

Do have a problem if it's getting in the way of normal life, other responsibilities that need to taken care of or at the cost of a sexual partnership and intimacy.

Maybe have a think about where you stand on this and explain how you feel?

ageofgrandillusion Thu 22-Aug-13 03:09:45

He sounds fucking weird. Does he have mental health issues?

Allofthis Thu 22-Aug-13 09:06:10

I will try to gather my thoughts and explain to him, this thread has been really helpful, thank you.

I do feel that he only makes an effort when he wants to get his end away, so I feel really resentful with that as well as feeling like a domestic maid- he's had a few weeks leave, great, but still all of the domestic jobs fall onto me. I've had a harder time than normal as its him + the DC. He can't grasp why I don't want to fall into bed with him...

Coconutty Thu 22-Aug-13 09:08:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWolowitz Thu 22-Aug-13 09:15:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allofthis Thu 22-Aug-13 09:23:14

Apparently so Coconutty. He obviously paces himself well...

I didn't reply to age's post as I didn't deem it useful, helpful or constructive.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 16:00:18

Sounds obsessed, and 45 minutes, usually it's a couple for a guy surely - he sounds pretty selfish, you were out of the Hospital no more than 2 days and he was in the loo wanking every day for 45 minutes - sorry he sounds awful.

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