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DH wearing more than just womens underwear, I don't like it. Don't know what to do now.

(77 Posts)
ItsATurnOff Wed 21-Aug-13 16:10:57

When me and DH got together, after a while I suspected he liked wearing womens underwear as he kept trying mine on 'for a joke' in front of me. Anyway, he finally admitted that he likes it and at first I wasn't overly bothered, or maybe I thought I wasn't, I don't know now tbh.

After a while he started buying himself some and wearing on occasion at night. Then it was every night. I would frequently see him lean forwards with some lacy/silky/red or blatantly womens underwear on. It became a bit of a turn off tbh.

I do the washing and I noticed more and more womens underwear. He seems to be buying new stuff all the time, he now must have between 30-50 pairs, I haven't looked that closely but it is a lot, more than his normal underwear and far more than I have. He says he likes the feeling of the silk etc but there are thongs (which can't be a comfort thing as they are not comfortable) and lacey ones. I get more and more annoyed by it and I have hinted heavily as much, he knows it bugs me but he never mentions it and carries on buying them. When I say he has been buying more, he just denies it, even though as I do the washing, its obvious when more new ones crop up. The other day I was on his phone (with his consent) and when I went back a couple of pages too far, it came up with the Tesco website, where he had been looking at more womens underwear.

Anyway, just now I was putting something away in his wardrobe when I saw a bag scrunched up at the back and it was all tied up. I opened it and in there is 2 womens lacey body suits, one with a bra type top. They clearly aren't for me as the bra size is all wrong and they are far too big for my body. I don't know when he would ever wear this, I am always around. On the odd occasion I am out, then the kids are here. There is the odd time I go out of an evening but this is not frequent.

I don't like this. I didn't really like the underwear, it didn't matter quite so much when it was 1 or 2 pairs and he kept it hidden more, but then he didn't bother to hide it, bought more and more even though he knows I don't like it and now this. I don't think he wants to dress as a woman. I have asked him before and he said no and I do believe him.

I don't really know what to do now. sad

ItsATurnOff Thu 22-Aug-13 15:30:41

Do you really think that he won't stop doing it though?

He has said he will stop. I questioned him on this and said how but he just said "well I have to". He did quit smoking on his first attempt (was my fifth attempt) because there was a good enough incentive.

Do you really think its that much of a problem that he won't be able to stop?

Isetan Thu 22-Aug-13 16:39:36

Do you really think its that much of a problem that he won't be able to stop?

Your'e in denial.

It sounds like a compulsion and I doubt he can just stop. Compulsions often need therapy to overcome. What will probably happen is he will just hide it and you guys will go back to pretending.

Demanding he just stops at this point in your relationship is unrealistic. You are where you are because of your failures to communicate. Get yourselves to a counsellor and have an honest and frank conversation like grown ups.

Vivacia Thu 22-Aug-13 19:51:47

I feel sorry for your husband. This is who he is.

WeAreSeven Thu 22-Aug-13 20:10:30

It might be who he is, but the OP doesn't have to like it. And she doesn't.

thebirdsandbees Thu 22-Aug-13 20:17:51

Oh no. I couldn't be happy with a man with a weird fetish. Poor you, hope it all gets sorted for the best.

Vivacia Thu 22-Aug-13 21:15:44

I just feel sorry for the husband. Firstly, what he's doing isn't wrong, yet he has the disgust of his most cherished person in the whole world. I just don't understand what options this situation leaves him with, other than deceit.

nkf Thu 22-Aug-13 21:25:04

He could leave. Or stop doing it. They're alternatives to deceit. OP doesn't sound disgusted to my mind. More puzzled and turned off.

TrueStory Thu 22-Aug-13 21:43:39

I think cross-dressing is more common than people think. I have met at least 2 men in my life who did this. Certainly, the second man I knew found it extremely shaming and distressing, the actuality and the secrecy. I do agree to a large extent with whoever said, well, that's who he is.

Where that leaves you though, OP, I don't know, I am sure it is difficult. Somebody suggested the Beamont Society earlier?; it might be good to contact them before you make any drastic decisions.

Vivacia Thu 22-Aug-13 21:47:58

I personally would find this very difficult to deal with, but I love my partner so much I'd be willing to seek support and try the recommendations above.

Mumsyblouse Thu 22-Aug-13 21:59:47

I don't think what he's doing is wrong either. It is just a fetish, not something disgusting although I can see it's a turnoff for some and that boundaries could be set around it if you don't like it. But plenty of women are with men who dress as women, or use certain make-up (Eddie Izzard) or just like women's underwear but are very masculine and straight- I really think you should seek out women in a similar situation to yourself, if you carry on here, lots of people are just telling you they find it awful, but I don't think you know how you would feel until it happens to you- and if you love your husband and you are coping together with your illness/sexual issues too, then some compassion is in order, not condemnation.

I'd rather have a good man who wore women's knickers than one with a porn habit, or was unfaithful or was many of the things I read about on MN (my husband doesn't but I feel the tone of some of the posts is less than compassionate). You don't marry a perfect person, you marry a real person, this is part of him. Decide what you can cope with, get counselling, let him know where the boundaries lie, I think you can deal with this.

WeAreSeven Thu 22-Aug-13 22:51:05

No, it's not wrong per se, in itself.

But he only let her know by stealth. If you have a fetish like this it's only fair to make sure that the person you are with doesn't have a problem with it before you forge a relationship, get married, have children. There are women who are fine with it. But the OP is not one of them and it sounds like it's a dealbreaker for her.

And I don't see why women should have to bend over backwards to accommodate their husbands' fetishes just because it's "who he is". He should have let her know "who he is" long ago before she invested her future in him.

I would place a bet on it that he won't/can't stop and that he'll just expect her to put up with it whether she likes it or not.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 22-Aug-13 23:00:20

Could you live with him doing it as long as he keeps it to himself ie hides his things away and takes care of the washing etc himself? If not, then you need to separate. Because it is not up to you to forbid him from doing this. If you think about it logically, it's such a harmless thing to want to do. It's just clothes. He isn't attacking anyone. You say he's a lovely man in every other respect: if he were to keep it private then could you not just regard it as a little hobby that doesn't interest you and is of no relevance to you?

zippey Fri 23-Aug-13 01:51:30

Is it really a fetish though? Or is it only a fetish if a man wears "womens" clothes? It wouldn't be a fetish if a woman did that I guess.

It's ok for OP not to like it though but she was aware of the habit before marriage. It might not be deceit by stealth. As the years go by he might just enjoy doing it more, like a hobby or something.

Communication and comprimise is the key to both OP and DH. Dont ask him to stop, but ask him to reign it in and do it less.

Monty27 Fri 23-Aug-13 02:16:50

If you don't want to accept it don't.

Libertine73 Fri 23-Aug-13 03:22:39

I agree with SGB, you can't ban him from doing this, it wouldn't work anyway.

tbh the communication in this relationship sounds shot, if you have problems in your sex life you need to deal with them, not bury your head in the sand, you sound like you've given up on that side of things, it's a separate issue, but an important one to keep you connected.

justwondering72 Fri 23-Aug-13 08:17:19

Hi op

I wouldn't agree that what your oh is doing is either an addiction which he could learn to control or a fetish, which he could choose not to indulge in. If he is anything like my ex then it's something he is compelled to do. Yes he can choose how he reacts to his compulsion, whether it's too keep it all hidden from you etc but I don't think the urge, the need to do it is going to go away.

Have you ever had counselling as a couple? I kind of agree with the op, that even if the cross dressing thing magically went away, there would still be problems with communication and sex.

After I find out about my partners cross dressing, things went from bad to worse. I was totally lost about how I should react and muddled asking for a while as a kind of girlfriend / therapist / make up consultant - and I was desperately unhappy. Like a op says I felt sorry for my bf, because it was part of who he was and he had to keep it all secret from everyone. We limped along for a few months but split. It was very different to your situation -much younger, not married, no kids. But I think you have to decide what your own limitations are, and what, if any, dressing you can live with. A counsellor just for you might be able to help you sort that out.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:30:08

Hi, back again.

I actually don't think its an addiction, but more like a compulsion like justwondering said. He said immediately that he would get rid of it, what he actually said was "well I'll have to get rid of it won't I" and when I pressed him and said do you actually want to, he wouldn't answer and said he had no choice. That told me what I needed to know. He doesn't want to stop doing it, he will be stopping because I made it clear that I don't like it and gave him an ultimatum. Whether this would lead to more secrecy I don't know tbh. I'm not sure if I could be happy with him doing it like venusandmars's friends.

I do think we need counselling really. We have been out for the day today and its clear that I am not happy. There have been times when I have questioned our compatibility and wondered if we should split but I never actually saw myself doing it, when taking the kids out for the day, it always seems to feel better. Today I felt like I was going through the motions. There was a point when I actually felt like I don't know if I can come back from this. I keep picturing the stuff I found and DH wearing them and it makes me feel uurrgghh. The underwear itself wasn't as bad, even though I wasn't over the moon and I didn't want him sexually, this just seems more.

We were suppose to have psychosexual counselling a few years ago but I got pregnant and they won't do it when you are pregnant. I was suppose to phone back when the baby was 6 months old and we wouldn't have had to go through the waiting list again, but I never did.

Part of me has often wondered if I fancy DH that much. I don't find him unattractive but I don't feel like I want to rip his clothes off either but then that could just be part of early relationship stuff that fades anyway. This is my first relationship. We have been together for 13 years.

I always thought our (non existent) sex life was soley down to me because I do have issues in that area, but there is stuff that I realise isn't down to me, like the way we do it and that, don't really want to go into detail, but that's stuff from him and as I am inexperienced, I just accepted it.

I don't know what I want really. I don't want our family to break up. I know there are far worse things out there and everyone has issues with their partner. Sometimes I think its a case of the grass is greener with me then people I know talk about their DH's and I think how lucky I am with mine.

I just feel a bit all over the place. He did start putting it all in a bad yesterday but I don't know how far he has got because DD went upstairs. I think its still in a bag in his wardrobe. I am actually seeing how long it takes him without me saying anything. If I 'take this away' then is he going to be desperately unhappy?

Wish I had a answer right now. He is worse than me at communicating which isn't great. Even when I do sit and talk to him, getting answers are like getting blood out of a stone, then he complains that I don't talk to him.

WeAreSeven Fri 23-Aug-13 18:34:52

Has sex always been all about him and what he wants? Rather than at least sometimes being about you and what you want?

Libertine73 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:41:23

I can almost guarantee he won't stop doing it. He will hide it better yes.

You have problems of your own sexually, fair enough, these are separate issues, you being off sex is not making him wear womens underwear, you know that don't you?

can you live with this? As I think that's the first thing,because I doubt he will stop.

Can you seek help with your own inhibitions/problems with sex?
by help I mean anything from talking to friends, to asking for advice on here, or talking to a GP.

Do you love him, and can you see yourself with him in 10 years? Not just because he's not an arsehole like some of the DHs yo hear abut from friends. but because you love him?

Vivacia Fri 23-Aug-13 18:41:23

The lack of communication is a real issue here, as I said in my first reply. Why torture yourself with not knowing, and worrying and imagining things? Just ask him!

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:41:53

Its not that its always about him and what he wants. He likes it to be good for me (and I have no problem having an orgasm), its things like he has never actually undressed me, he just sort of tugs at my clothes then waits for me to take them off, same with my underwear. When its time to have sex after foreplay, he just tugs at the top and waits for me to take them off. But as I am inexperienced I've never thought that this stuff contributed to our poor sex life, but I think it does.

I have issues because of abuse and I clam up (physically) big time. I've never been able to overcome it.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:44:42

Vivacia I have asked him and I don't get straight answers. I just get "I don't have a choice" when I ask him if he can stop, even when I press him on it (because I know that he doesn't want to stop) he just says the same thing.

Libertine he says that he does it because of the lack of intimacy between us. I pointed out that he liked it way before this and he said it wasn't as often but because I don't seem to want him, then that's why he has done it more and more and its a massive turn on for him. Its makes sense I suppose.

Libertine73 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:55:00

I don't believe your lack of sex life is why he does it,he's told you he's had that stuff for over ten years. Maybe it escalates it? It depends what he gets out of it.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Fri 23-Aug-13 18:55:01

OP, have you talked to him about the clothes tugging?

Can you follow up on the counselling now? However the relatuonsh

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Fri 23-Aug-13 18:55:34

OP, have you talked to him about the clothes tugging?

Can you follow up on the counselling now? However the relatuonship turns out, it may well be good for you to have done it.

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