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Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

(325 Posts)
cherrysparkles Wed 21-Aug-13 10:58:12

Hello, I've just signed up to post this thread, I hope that's ok smile

I read about 'friendzoning' on another forum and apparently, it's bad when it comes to being friend zoned by an ex.

I recently split up with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. We were seeing each other quite casually - as in, we hadn't been seen together in public around our town, as I'm still in the process of going through a divorce (split up a long time ago) and didn't want that reflecting badly on me...despite all that, this man said he loved me fairly early on (within a month) and seemed to be planning for the future; talking about future events he will be attending and mentioning it would be nice for us to go together, and so on.

He spent a while after we split up saying that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone for as far into the future as he can see, but that he liked me a lot, we did continue to sleep together but then both felt awful the next day, and then he told me he was going away for a couple of weeks with work, and needed complete space; I.E no contact for the time he was away. He said he was hoping to see if he missed me, and to work out what he felt for me; whether he wanted to never see me again, just be friends or something more than friends.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, and he said he was hoping to see me next week when he was back home, just meeting up for a coffee and a chat then going home to see if we can actually get on (we've been arguing a lot recently, due to his 'confusion'). I asked about how he felt and first of all he said I'm lovely but not for him, then he said he could never say never and that two people could never have a relationship if they can't be friends. He wouldn't say if his actual feelings had changed, just saying that he had made a decision that if he can't have a relationship with anyone at this moment in time, then he can't have his cake and eat it by sleeping with me - which seems fair enough to me.

He seems to want to meet up next week, chat and get on and then just text and stuff as people do, with a view to meeting up "some time in the a week, or two or three, whenever feels right".

He says that he will still be attracted to me, but won't ever act on it. I asked what would happen if he comes to see me and still feels the way he did the last time he came over (which was beginning of August) - the same feelings that were confusing him at that time, and he said he would just try to enjoy the feeling of enjoying my company.

Is this a bit weird? Putting aside the issue of whether the dumped party should be friends with an ex when they still have feelings for them, would it be so bad in theory to meet up with this person fairly regularly but not planned regularly, just chat about casual things and then we both go home having had a pleasant there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

cherrysparkles Sat 07-Sep-13 12:35:05

Why does anyone start threads on here?

How many threads do you know of where the OP has blindly followed the other posters' advice?

I am taking it on board but I don't know any of you, you don't know me, you don't know this guy or the situation.

You can make a judgement based on certain facts given, but look how much everyone's opinion on this man has changed - from "he's confused" to "he's abusive" to "he's an arse/headfuck" and now "he's befuddled, poor bloke".

I know what G.P stands for thanks very much, and how the hell can you state with so much certainty that I'm not in control of my thoughts or actions!

Take the example of going to his place last week; I knew full well what I was doing, I knew he wouldn't take it too well but I was so fucking blinded by the fact I wanted to get my point said and for him to hear it in person that I did it anyway and took the risk. The whole way there I was thinking "shouldn't be doing this, it won't go well" but I carried on, ignored the sensible side of me that was screaming at me not to go and just leave it.

Ok maybe you'll jump on now and say murderers (sorry for using such an extreme example, hoe it doesn't offend anyone) know what they're doing is wrong but do it anyway...but I've never not been able to stop myself from doing anything, that's stupid!

If you want to see how people react to breakups/second chances, feel free to search for a website called Loveshack (US site) - look in the second chances or 'coping' forum and you'll see hundreds of posts from people trying to do 'NC' and saying "oh, like, it's sooooo me stop texting this guy please...I can't stop thinking about it...why did he say/do this, do we have a chance etc etc" and making plans about how they're going to 'win' their ex back or whatever!

You're fucking acting as if I'm the only one!

THAT'S what I hate about this place, you ask for advice (I've seen it on other people's threads too, not just this one) and if you don't immediately accept that MNetters are unequivocally right then you are accused of being deluded/naive/a troll/making pointless threads!

cherrysparkles Sat 07-Sep-13 12:39:02

happyinherts - so why did he say he's confused about his feelings? Make it clear to me as I'm so stupid.

Why didn't he just say "I don't want you - ever, simple as that".

I haven't got a phone, deliberately haven't bought another one after mine got broken last week. Not intending to buy another one just yet and I don't have his number saved anywhere anyway.

What I'm saying is, how do you know he doesn't have feelings for me at all and how do you know they won't develop/return in the future? If we ever got back on better terms? Do you have a crystal ball?

I'm not deluding myself, in my mind I'm thinking it's about 90% that won't happen but there IS a chance, surely? People DO change and they do get back together.

happyinherts Sat 07-Sep-13 12:52:27

Cherry... he's a red blooded male. He has feelings. He is trying hard NOT to act on them for whatever reason he feels - doesn't want a relationship with anyone.

Feelings will never develop if you try to manipulate or control a friendship / relationship. It has to be two-sided.

I don't have a crystall ball, no. Having one might have prevented me crying over someone similar once. Someone who clearly had feelings but DID NOT want to act on them and either a) was a coward and couldn't bring himself to say the actual words or b) didn't want to hurt - so just gave stronger and stronger hints. I write from lessons learned from life not from a crystall ball

It can happen with some people, maybe - but I think with great respect to you both, it won't and you need to concentrate more on other things.

akaWisey Sat 07-Sep-13 13:03:32

Take the example of going to his place last week. I knew full well what I was doing, I knew he wouldn't take it too well but I was so fucking blinded by the fact I wanted to get my point said and for him to hear it in person that I did it anyway and took the risk……I carried on, ignored the sensible side of me that was screaming at me to not go and just leave it

This ^ OP. This shows you are not in control of your thoughts and actions. You can justify it any way you like - but if you were my DD I would be really worried about her MH and doing something about it.

cherrysparkles Sat 07-Sep-13 15:15:12

Ok well with respect AkaWisey, I disagree. I could have stopped and gone home anytime I wanted. I just chose not to. That's not 'not' being in control, it's ignoring your sensible side.

I'm not trying to justify anything, I don't need to. I'm just answering your point that's all smile
Tell you what, if I end up texting him as much as I have been in the past, or I go over to his place uninvited then I promise I'll post here straight away and agree with you, okay?
Because you know...if I was suffering from something more than Anxiety/OCD then I'd carry on the way I have been, yes?

happyinherts - please don't get my wrong; I'm not saying I'll be sitting around waiting for him to call! I have a lot on (went to his place during the summer holidays, school is back now so that's one thing I couldn't do, even if I had the inclination again), I work, I have a child, have classes I go to some evenings, am learning to drive and am in the process of starting a college course so I was just planning on carrying on with my life, realising that the split and now this most recent 'ending' was for the best, and keeping a bit of limited contact (we'll see each other anyway in passing, in the village).
If he ever showed an interest in coming to see me again in the future (and by future I mean 6-9 months or longer) or I asked him at some point and he agreed, then I'd take it as it came and just enjoy his company and think nothing more of it. He'd let me know if he ever developed 'those' feelings again so no point analysing and questioning.

But that's not to say I expect it to happen - yes I wanted to keep a bit of hope for it, but I don't see the harm in that as long as I don't cause him any more hassle.

cherrysparkles Sat 07-Sep-13 15:19:39

Also I think asking him to come over was me trying to manipulate him - or at least, asking him to come over and when he said no, laying on the "you need to do this, I need to say one last thing etc etc" lines was the manipulative/controlling part.
Not a deliberate attempt to control and hurt him or make him feel bad, but just felt he owed me, I guess.
Which I now see he doesn't.

I wouldn't be doing that any more; I might ask him if he wants to come over in the future but that's a way off and if I did and he said no, then I'd accept it and not keep on and on about it.

So I don't think I WOULD be manipulating or trying to manufacture a friendship/relationship.

akaWisey Sat 07-Sep-13 19:43:34

Then, with respect OP, if you are indeed making fully conscious decisions to act in the way you say you are - there should be no question as to your motives or his responses to them. For he is merely responding in kind.

cherrysparkles Sat 07-Sep-13 19:50:22

"Then, with respect OP, if you are indeed making fully conscious decisions to act in the way you say you are - there should be no question as to your motives or his responses to them. For he is merely responding in kind."

Well clearly I AM stupid because I don't understand what you mean? About my motives/his response to them I mean...

akaWisey Sat 07-Sep-13 20:08:48

Well, you could always start another thread…..But I'm outta here. Good luck OP.

happyinherts Sat 07-Sep-13 20:23:10

cherry - read your response to my last post and that should wrap it up.

You work, you're a mum, you're going to college, you're learning to drive - that would be enough for most of us to divert our attention on.

Who knows what tomorrow brings hey? Don't waste today's time chasing a dream - just focus on what you have

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 07-Sep-13 20:38:30

So what's the harm in that?

1. He's asked you to leave him alone
2. It's not going to get you what you want (neither friendship nor a relationship)
3. It's prolonging your obsession with him
4. It's harassing and abusive

cherrysparkles Sat 07-Sep-13 21:10:33

Ok so he'll feel harassed by 2 texts in 3 months. Delicate flower that he is.

For fuck's sake!

Now I'm done with the thread...

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 07-Sep-13 21:31:39

You said a few posts back that you would text him then text again if he hadn't replied in a few hours asking if he was ignoring you. When did that happen?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 07-Sep-13 21:32:39

"Then, with respect OP, if you are indeed making fully conscious decisions to act in the way you say you are - there should be no question as to your motives or his responses to them. For he is merely responding in kind."

Well clearly I AM stupid because I don't understand what you mean? About my motives/his response to them I mean...

I think she means that you are consciously acting nuts so maybe he is too?

SisterMonicaJoan Sat 07-Sep-13 23:57:07

Tbh op, I can't see you only sending 2 texts in 3 months...

Ain't gonna happen sad

cherrysparkles Sun 08-Sep-13 06:47:49

Ehric - to be honest, it happened nearly every time I text him. Well maybe not but quite regularly.

SMJ - I'm certainly not going to be texting him anywhere near as often as before...might contact him in a couple of weeks and then see how he responds; if he doesn't or it's just a brief response to my "how are things" then I wont try and get him into a conversation and might try another text a few weeks after that.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sun 08-Sep-13 07:37:09

Please, please just don't text him. It's so unhealthy.

Dearjackie Sun 08-Sep-13 08:36:33

Delurking to post this

Please please don't contact him in ANY way. Why would you want to text someone whose made it clear they don't want a relationship?

You just said if he doesn't respond you'll try again a few weeks later WHY WOULD YOU?

He is telling you your not welcome. Gain some power and self respect by leaving it alone PLEASE

Jaynebxl Sun 08-Sep-13 08:52:38

Ok I've just read through this post and here's what I think:

He fancies you, finds you attractive etc but you've been too complicated / high maintenance / hard work and he doesn't want a relationship with you.

When someone says I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship, it is generally bollocks because of someone came along who they liked enough they would go for it.

He doesn't cut contact because he does still fancy you but you haven't given him the space he asked for and when you've met up you've overanalysed the relationship and the previous meeting. Things are not going to change. You will keep texting him and turning up and trying to analyse things with him despite what you say about just wanting to see if you can have a normal friendship with him, because the two of you can't have a normal friendship.

He does not want a normal partner style relationship with you now and he won't in the future.

That's it really. You have thrown away your dignity and self respect in front of this guy and need to walk away, find your self respect again and not start with someone else til you have it.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sun 08-Sep-13 08:55:45

You used to harass him by text until very recently. You have decided you will only text once every week, or few months (not sure which) but you must acknowledge that any further text contact will be received in the same way previous texts were (oh for fuck sake, it's cherry again, why won't she get the hint and leave me alone) because you have set up a situation whereby receiving a text from you is stressful and annoying. If any man behaved with me the way you have behaved to him I would experience it as harassment.

Spickle Sun 08-Sep-13 09:01:16

You are going along with the idea that he is confused. He probably is, but it would seem that he is the one with the power.

He needs to decide whether or not he wants a relationship with you (you've made plain you want a relationship with him) and whether that relationship is as BF/GF, FWB or Just Friends. You are not allowing him the time and space to make this decision.

You are sounding so desperate to have any kind of relationship with this man, that you are clinging on to whatever snippet of hope he gives you.

He holds all the cards and you will have to accept whatever that decision is, it cannot be made until he has the space away from you that he has repeatedly asked for.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 08-Sep-13 09:11:43

Why do you need to keep testing the water by texting him 'every few weeks' ? You've been banging on about some 6-9 month timescale for letting things go quiet in the hope that he'll decide that it's you he wants after all and he's not a goldfish - he won't forget you exist if you stop texting him, and from most of the encounters you describe he wouldn't be hurt or put out if you stopped texting. You're driving this, regardless of all the angst and analysis of how words - you're the one that keeps texting, pestering for a response, turning up - so just stop, already!

SolidGoldBrass Sun 08-Sep-13 10:15:39

I really, really hope he reports you to the police. It's the only way you are going to get the wake up call you need.

Floggingmolly Sun 08-Sep-13 10:41:16

Op has made several references to he doesn't want to be made a laughing stock in the village type scenarios, SGB. She's obviously got something on him to use as blackmail, or thinks she does.
The poor fucker is probably completely over a barrel sad

SoThisIsHowYouNameChange Sun 08-Sep-13 12:19:50

I read the whole thread.


I think this is some sort of personality disorder, which goes beyond mental illness.

Until or unless the op realises that she has a problem, nothing can be done for her.

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