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I never want sex anymore

(34 Posts)
Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 07:14:58

Not sure if this is the right section but here goes (regular poster NC etc)

DD was born almost two years ago and my libido has never recovered. She is DC2, no problems after DC1. Initially I put it down to newborn stuff, recent birth then breastfeeding. Stopped BF a year ago and it hasn't returned. I'd always been fairly highly sexual, up for experimenting, massive urges etc but honestly, if I never have to have sex again ill be happy sad

DH remains with a high sex drive, we DTD several times a week because I feel so guilty. I'm not attracted to anyone else so it's not that I just don't want sex with him. It's fine once we get ping but I spend most of the time willing it to be done with quickly, even if I reach climax (which now happens 1/8x when it used to be almost 100%). I just can't be bothered and even go so far as to say the idea just turns me off, so I don't think it's just tiredness either.

I'm not convinced I'm as in love with DH as I once was, we rub along fine, I do often feel stifled by him though. I don't want to LTB, but often with we could just have a platonic marriage.

It's bad, isn't it? What can I do?!

CoffeeandScones Wed 21-Aug-13 07:33:16

Several times a week sounds like a lot if you're not really feeling it. Might a break from sex could give you some space to regain your libido?

Lweji Wed 21-Aug-13 07:38:05

Pressure to have sex is a libido killer.

It might be him you don't what to do it with, if his behaviour is less than impeccable in that respect.

Or it could be physical/ a sign of depression and if it bothers you you could see te gp about it.

But do talk with your OH about it. He should be on your side on this. If he's not, then you may need to reconsider the relationship...

MissOtisRegretsMadam Wed 21-Aug-13 07:38:21

Watching with interest as in a similar situation. We dtd prob twice a week at the most. My dp has picked up on it and he feels really concious and paranoid that I don't love him like I used to and I would rather be with somebody else. What does your dh think op?

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:03:55

Well I kind of broke down about it the other night - he'd mentioned a while ago he thought I had "a problem" and should talk to GP about it. I've halfheartedly tried to make an effort, basing this on the theory that the less you do it the less you want to, but I just can't pretend anymore.

DH definitely is quite needy, and in the last few years seems to have become more dependant on me emotionally whereas I've grown in independence - and he's constantly tellingly I'm his favourite person in the world etc,which I can't respond to because (obviously?) I love DC more than I do him. I think he's pretty paranoid about the fact that he potentially lives me more than I live him - I tried reassuring him the other night that I'm not attracted to ANYONE and tried to suggest maybe we should go to counselling together. He's suggested we get used to just being intimate but we've had sex twice since then, as always instigated by him, he's very attentive to me and my needs but I just try to hurry him along sad

Really not sure what to do. Just ish we could co parent and be friends....

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:04:40

*love not live

MissOtisRegretsMadam Wed 21-Aug-13 08:12:28

Really feel for you and can relate. My dp tells me to go to the doctor too. I think he thinks he will give me some kind of Viagra and il be raring to go. I think I would quite like that as I did used to enjoy sex and miss the excitement and putting the effort in.

I totally understand the "hurry along" thing too and have to bite my tongue to stop saying it.

My ds is 20 months and it has been since I had him as during pregnancy I was fine.

I also worry one of the kids will wake up or wonder in which makes me uptight. If we are home alone I'm much happier with it.
We have booked a night away in October and I'm hoping that will put the passion back in.

Do you and your dh have any alone time?

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:20:58

We literally might be the same person!

We have a night away booked this weekend (first since pre DD), I really hope we can reconnect without being expected to be shagging constantly...maybe if we can find a happy medium (I'd be much happier with once a week but feel guilty saying that) that would be better?

We tried taking a mini break from sex but tbh I was just grateful for it and didn't want to get back into doing it again!

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:22:21

I feel so guilty that my go to reaction is to roll my eyes at him when he tries it on

And I'm sick of the constant "playful" references and groping at inappropriate times - which I've said on many occasion

CoffeeandScones Wed 21-Aug-13 08:22:57

Nottonight just to explore that a bit, would you actually be happy with coparenting and living together? Does that imply he/both of you could seek relationships elsewhere?

I know some people suggest that can work and maybe it can, but sounds like a recipe for finding emotional contact elsewhere and breaking up your relationship.

orangeandemons Wed 21-Aug-13 08:25:20

Oh same , zero zero interest. Still love dh, but just no interest. Think it's a lot more common than people let on. Also when are you supposed to do it when you have kids. Dd has never gone to bed early, often up till 9 ish. I go to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow about 10.00.

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:25:50

No I don't think that would realistically work tbh.

I just don't want to have sex...we kiss and cuddle and hug a lot which I love still, but even the thought of sex turns me off completely. In my current mindset I wouldn't care if he had sex elsewhere but I know realistically it would damage us both

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:27:19

orange DH says the reason I don't want to is because we always leave it il bedtime, but by the children are in bed, house is tried, boring admin done (he often works late too) I don't have the energy for a 3 hour sex session!

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:28:15

Ugh *tidied

namechangealso Wed 21-Aug-13 08:33:11

Well.... I come to this subject from the other side. I know you can't help it and even by posting, you obviously want to make things better... but there is nothing worse than rejection. I know about that because my OH has rejected me like this. I feel for your OH. He will be puzzled, confused and unhappy and although you are DTD, he will just KNOW you are trying to hurry it along or you don't want to be doing it at all.

You owe it to him, to yourself and to your relationship to get some help together to overcome this. It's a kiiller for the other person, it really is. If you used to be highly sexual, some of that can be recaptured in time perhaps, but you have to try and make that happen perhaps in the form of counselling.

I tried everything to make it all better. I never mentioned it and went quiet for months, I was warm and affectionate, I tried to please him so that he would want me in the bedroom, I tried to look desirable and sexy. Nothing worked and I knew just by one sentence at 8pm about a programme he wanted to watch later... that nothing was going to happen that night. I could sense the excuses before they were barely said. I became needy for a while just like your OH, because rejection makes you like that. After a while, I just emotionally cut off from him for the sake of self preservation, and that hasn't changed. It has caused me an enormous amount of problems and I wish we had tackled it earlier on. I urge you to get some help somewhere... you sound very caring and that you want to sort this. Good luck.

namechangealso Wed 21-Aug-13 08:35:53

Oh and yes... you may still be affectionate and kiss and cuddle now. That will fade when the situation worsens, I'm afraid. It's hard to keep being affectionate when you have been rejected for years.

orangeandemons Wed 21-Aug-13 08:37:42

But if you have dc when are you supposed to do it? Dd wakes up before us, she's always around every weekend, and saps all our emotional energy. I think it's pretty normal to lose interest when dc are small.

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:38:54

Thanks namechange I recognise a lot of DH in your post and interestingly the stuff you say about hearing the excuses before they come! I know when he's planning to have sex and more often than not I "give in" because I don't want to hurt him but I can feel it turning into resentment.

I did bring it up with him but I'm trying to get through to him that this is probably something we need to deal with together, not that I have "a problem" that can be fixed with a trip to the GP

Maybe I just need to keep the communication going! How long has it been bad between you and your OH, if you don't mind me asking?

MissOtisRegretsMadam Wed 21-Aug-13 08:41:32

I sometimes think I am tired from work etc as when I'm off work like I am now things are a bit better.

namechange I really feel for my dp as he is not a pushy monster trying to force me but he really tries to get me in the mood. Compliments, wanting to buy me nice underwear etc but I just find it turns me off more.
I enjoy kissing and cuddling but I dread the inevitable hand starting to wonder or the whisper in my ear as I know I will want to reject it and it will upset him.

Op I hope you enjoy your night away with your dh. I'm really looking forward to mine even though its ages away. I sometimes think I just can't switch off from "mum" mode.

ExcuseTypos Wed 21-Aug-13 08:47:08

I agree with oranges, it is very common to lose interset when you have small children. Yes it must be hard for the other half if you used to have a high sex drive, but I'm afraid the vast majority of parents with young dc have less sex than they did before the children. It's a fact of life and I'm afraid people have to accept that. Things change all the time throughout a marriage, as dc get older and less clingy and time consuming, it can all come back.

I think you should go to some kind of counselling, as I think your H isn't listening to what you want and how you feel. It's no wonder you just want him to 'get on with it' if he wants 3 hour sessions.

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:48:02

I feel the same about my DH's advances...he's trying to get me in the mood because he wants us o have a sexual relationship, not to just get his end away, but anything he does repells me

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:49:34

He doesn't want 3hpur sessions (well, he probably does tbh but never says that and we're lucky if its longer than 5-10mins), but I do think he thinks its solely my problem...

orangeandemons Wed 21-Aug-13 08:52:10

I agree with Excuse, I do feel that it will return when we have more time to devote to us

namechangealso Wed 21-Aug-13 09:03:29

Nottonight... yes do do do keep the communication going. It's when it becomes the elephant in the room and The Subject That Can't Be Mentioned that really is a problem. You ask how long... I am OLD now... so we are talking decades. It all started when my DCs were little. I was the one who wanted sex. I wanted to be not just a mother but a wife too. In fact, I was desperate to be desired in some way.

Excuse... I totally agree that it all changes with small children but that shouldn't mean total withdrawal for the reasons above. As much as I wanted to feel like a wife who was wanted physically, so will the OH's want their validation too.

MissOtis... awww your OH. He is trying so hard. I am not saying that as a criticism. I just remember how hard I tried too, that's all.

tumbletumble Wed 21-Aug-13 09:34:39

Of course it is very very common to have sex less frequently when you have small children, due to both tiredness and less opportunity, but it sounds to me that what the OP is describing is a bit more than that.

For example, in my case, we DTD much less frequently and sometimes I have to make a bit of an effort to get myself in the mood, but when we get started I always enjoy it and wish we did it more.

OP, you mention that you'd prefer once a week to several times a week. I think that would be a reasonable compromise, BUT only if you are really genuinely into it on that one occasion - maybe not every single time, but usually. I'm guessing that your DH (who sounds like a nice guy) would prefer that too. It isn't really fair to him to expect him to be happy with the current situation of you never wanting to do it or enjoying it - that is soul destroying for him. Maybe a trip to the GP would help - not to be handed a magic pill, but to find out what the next steps could be and to demonstrate to your DH that you are committed to trying to sort this out.

I hope your night away goes well and you have a chance to discuss the issue openly and calmly.

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