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I'm not sure how much more I can take

(33 Posts)
WhyDo Wed 21-Aug-13 05:17:56

Namechanger, but long time mn'er (I've made my profile public with how long I've been here so you can see I'm not a troll)

I've put this in relationships but it might belong in MH.

This could be a long one, you've been warned.

So, tonight ds1 finally got in touch with the man who walked out on us 16 years ago, when I was 17 and had just found out I was pregnant.

They've emailed back and forth all evening. It sounds like they both want to establish a relationship (which for ds is certainly what he wants and the reason I tracked xp down for him, and contacted him).

I was being all together and supportive and encouraging. I've never bad mouthed xp. He's never paid a penny in maintenance. I've always stuck with the line of "we were both young and I'm sure xp cares" (I was just 17 and he was 21).

I thought I was coping really well, but now I've fallen apart. All those years of struggling, all those lonely months crying myself to sleep with terrible PND, and now he can walk in, say "I'm sorry I never got in touch, I was scared" and ds thinks he's the best bloke ever.

I'm very aware that I am being unfair and irrational. And I'm so glad for ds, but at the same time I'm the one getting the grunt answers and the teenage moods. And I want to scream "what about me?! " as though I'm the teen in need of support. And I hate myself for it. I can't stop crying and i can't sleep.

In other background news, 3 years ago I left my h of 8 years. He was emotionally and Sexually abusive and I'm currently going through the courts to try to sort some kind of stable access for my two other dcs. I've just had a letter from tax credits who have fucked up last year's payments (didn't make changes when I had informed them) saying I've been overpaid £2500 which I don't have, and I don't have the energy to pick up the phone and tell them they're wrong, because I'm so tired of fighting for everything.

I do now have the most wonderful and supportive dh, and our baby is due in 6 weeks. I have immobilising SPD that means I'm terrified to leave the house now, I live miles from anywhere, and now I can't drive anymore I'm feeling trapped.

I need to carry on being the strong one, doing the right thing, saying the right words to support ds through this really hard time. But I also need to vent and say all the irrational things I feel too.

I know this is MN, but I'm going to say straight out that I'm heavily pregnant, in a lot of physical pain, and emotionally fragile. Please don't post if you feel I'm a terrible person sad

My life would now be great if it weren't for XP and XH. I have always done everything I could do encourage good access. I have always picked up the pieces when the dcs were let down. I am so tired. I am so fed up of being told I'm a selfish bitch by XH. I'm so sick of being so unsure all the time.

I selfishly want ds1 to reassure me that he still loves me. I want him to respond to me saying "I love you so much and I'm always here to talk, whenever you need me because I know how hard this must be for you" with something more than the "k" I get.

Help me be a good mother to ds through this bit. Thanks.

ExitPursuedByABear Thu 22-Aug-13 19:28:11

<wipes eyes>

Glad you talked.

WhyDo Thu 22-Aug-13 19:35:15

If it hadn't been for you lot I would have kept trying to protect him from my upset. At some point I have to realise that he's almost a grown up and is more than capable of empathising and understanding.

I can't thank you enough.

Yes, there's lots still going on, but I really need to realise that I'm not going to lose my family, and I do have so much support.

Chubfuddler Thu 22-Aug-13 19:48:25

Really pleased op.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 22-Aug-13 19:53:15

My father came back when I was 16 years old. Although it was great to get to know him, life became more exciting and we got on very well etc., I never for one moment lost sight of what my mother went through to bring me up. It's probably going to be quite tough for you at times, but you will always be your son's number one parent - never doubt it x

MushroomSoup Thu 22-Aug-13 20:37:25


WhyDo Thu 22-Aug-13 20:43:50

Thank you <sniff>

Keepcool that is so good to hear smile thank you for sharing that.

WhyDo Sun 25-Aug-13 14:56:52

Sorry, back again.

Another problem I hadn't mentioned; ds is constantly asking to go and stay with my parents. If he goes over for an afternoon then he'll often wind up staying there most of the week. I know part of it is running away from any chores at home, but it's also running away from everything.

I've spoken to him and asked him to see that he can't spend all his time there. I'd rather he was out with his mates, but he's even cancelled on them to stay at my parents'. I need him to be around so I can make sure he's ok, and he had agreed, but lo and behold he's there for an afternoon and once again I get the phone call asking to stay. When I said no I got a load of attitude (his behaviour is always worse after being there).

He's going through so much, and my parents do know and support him, but they also don't always give the advice that I think is right.

Am I overreacting? Because I'm really upset.!

MushroomSoup Sun 25-Aug-13 23:31:50

No, you're not. While he is a member of your household your rules apply. Maybe worth agreeing a one night only a week rule with the grandparents?

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