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Text I sent dh last night

(46 Posts)
topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 16:04:25

Not sure when you will read this, but I begged you to show me that iPad tonight, begged you and you refused, did that make you feel good? Like a man? Stupid little woman begging you! I am so ashamed of how the kids were made to feel, so ashamed. There little faces crying and so sad. But i promise those girls will never ever think thats an ok way to be treated by a man. Ever, I will teach them they deserve so much better than that. They do not have to do what some man tells them to do! I never thought I would be treated like this and never want them to go through this. I am sick of thinking of dying sick of feeling worthless . I am sick of being scared to phone people and tell then the truth. It is all about to change.

This was after an almighty ding dong because he hid his iPad from me and flatly refused to tell me where it was. I stood there crying, kids were, begging him and he just looked at me and said no. I found it in the end under a cupboard nothing bad on it this time (i know all the tricks wink ) so why do that to me?

He is not speaking to me again today smile not bothered by that at all after 14 years of it. Kids are unsettled but he did just have a go and said something about how he is going to when I told him to go away !

I am going to start a note thing where I recall every shitty arsehole thing he has said or done to me or made me do because he said he was unhappy. I am fighting back and he doesn't like it ! Then maybe I will get the confidence to tell people.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 20-Aug-13 17:04:01

There is a way out.
You need to find the strength to call Women's Aid.
Lines will be busy but keep trying and also email them.
Don't forget to delete you internet history.
The number for Women's Aid doesn't show on phone bills (I believe!!??)
They will help you to get out.
You can't stay in this awful situation.
Good luck - go for it!

myroomisatip Tue 20-Aug-13 17:05:41

Get yourself to a solicitor, or more than one until you find one you have confidence in, go and get advice from the CAB, get in touch with Womens Aid.

You will be much happier away from this man, and if you can't do it for you, please do it for your children. I didn't leave until mine were young adults and it has seriously damaged them sad Please don't make the same mistakes I did.

eurochick Tue 20-Aug-13 17:09:35

I don't understand the incident, tbh. It all sounds very dramatic.

But if you are unhappy in the relationship (and it seems quite plain that you are), then leave.

OctopusPete8 Tue 20-Aug-13 17:09:54

£25 a week? WTF will that pay for?

as well as everything else in this awful relationship.

Although for future reference ,the begging/crying will have played into his hands totally and unstable,jealous OH. Next time he refuses just say I have to take that as an admission of guilt we are over, take back the power , stop giving him the upperhand.

I hope you leave OP.

Sparklysilversequins Tue 20-Aug-13 17:10:33

When you're caught up in it and that's all you know it's hard to see a way out. It's quite natural in abusive situations for the person being abused to go into shut down mode because you are actually subconsciously just trying to survive. You're so used to trying to prevent conflict that the thought of leaving and creating BIGGER conflict feels too much to possibly be able to cope with.

What's on his iPad doesn't matter but you can't see that right now because you are caught up in the madness. You need to get him out. Only then will you begin to function normally and be able to think clearly.

Vivacia Tue 20-Aug-13 17:10:53

So if you don't want to leave him what is your plan?

topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 17:21:58

I don't know, I would like him to leave obviously but I don't know if he will, I doubt he will. He could go to his parents but said before he would never do that. He has one friend but again he wouldn't go there. He doesn't like me discussing this with anyone or online forums, he actually slates them as a bunch of haggard women.

Vivacia Tue 20-Aug-13 17:24:24

I think you need to clarify what you want. Otherwise, what's the point of this thread? Why share with us the content of the text and your behaviour last night?

Hissy Tue 20-Aug-13 19:11:36

Cashback is your friend OP!

Men like him HATE mumsnet, it's cos we blow their little world to kingdom come!

Could you get 50 pounds cashback every time you shop? Or would you be able to withdraw a great big chunk and use it as a deposit?

You could save smaller amounts over time, until you have enough, but it's risky. Could you open a savings account somehow? Online account?

picnicbasketcase Tue 20-Aug-13 19:14:04

Please take the children and leave him. He sounds appalling, is abusive and is potentially cheating on you. I've not said it before but seriously - LTB.

maleview70 Tue 20-Aug-13 19:45:53

5 kids----does that not equal shitloads of benefits and maintainance?

topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 20:36:54

A lot to take in, but thank you. Will speak to someone tomorrow probably womens aid. Not quite sure what benefits have to do with anything though?

coffeeinbed Tue 20-Aug-13 20:39:53

I think it was a clumsy way of saying you'll have quite a lot of money in benefits because you have the children.

Chubfuddler Tue 20-Aug-13 20:41:27

I think the point is the benefits you could access would give you money to live on if you left him. Which seems like a good idea based on what you have said.

myroomisatip Tue 20-Aug-13 20:44:46

Absolutely, if you have a debit card, get some cash back every time you shop, £5 here and there!

Benefits? Well if you decide to leave you may well be entitled to some help, again, go to the CAB.

As Sparklysilversequins says, it is hard to see a way out when you are stuck in this kind of situation, this is what kept me stuck for so many years.

As for hating Mumsnet, that is because it is empowering! It undermines him. Oh I so so so wish I had had Mumsnet years ago! Mumsnet changed my life and I did not even have to post, I just read and the scales fell from my eyes. Sadly it took longer for me to find courage sad But I did! I left! My life now is so peaceful, so much happier.

myroomisatip Tue 20-Aug-13 20:46:28

Can I do my very very first 'LTB'?


Sunshine. He does not love you. He does not care about you. Please LTB

topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 23:24:33

Myroomisatip I know sad sad as it is I know. Will do something constructive tomorrow although not sure when or if he is working, he is self employed.

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 23:47:35

If he is self employed is there anyway that you can get copies of his books? SE men are notorious for suddenly not having any money going through their accounts in order to avoid paying maintenance. Get any copies you can now (and make note of any work he does so even if you cant get proof of payment, you have got proof that he has regular work).

See a solicitor, you are married so the home is negotiable based on who needs it most and that is the kids. You can apply to the court for him to leave and chances are you will win.

You can file for divorce while living in the same house, as long as you can prove that you are not together and you are not being financially supported by him then you can claim tax credits, income support etc. I realise that you have an ASD son but could you get a part time job while the kids are at school? Do you have any family or friends that could help with childcare (you can claim for help with that too via TC).

You dont have to live apart to seperate from him.

StellarLights Wed 21-Aug-13 01:05:39

"I am fighting back and he doesn't like it"

How are you fighting back, by sending him a text?

That isn't fighting back. Fighting back is taking none of his shit in the first place, if my DP (young, 6ft, 16 stone boxer) did that to me I'd laugh in his face and go "You have 3 seconds to go and get me that iPad."
And he would because he knows that some stupid power-tripping prank is not worth the shit storm that he would get back.

In order to fight back to this man you need to take all of the bad feelings that he's given you, the low self esteem, negative feelings towards yourself etc. and turn it into poison. Get angry about it, who the fuck is he to think that he can treat you like that? Does he get a kick out of psychologically tormenting you? How dare he have a laugh at your expense!

Stop feeling bad about yourself, he is clearly the one with the problem, not you.
How dare he spend 14 years of your life bringing you down with him, you deserve better. Don't waste anymore time on him, you can leave him but you're scared. Yes the money may be tight but you'd have enough to get by, a woman with 5 kids is hardly going to be left desolate on the street now is she?
And frankly I'd rather have less money but for it to be my own, hell itself would freeze over before I'd allow my DP to give me pocket money and control my finances.

He's treating you like shit, and is enjoying tormenting you in any way that he can.

If I was one of your children then I would rather you leave, I wouldn't want my Mum to suffer like that.

Leave. The. Bastard.

Hissy Thu 22-Aug-13 06:56:01

After 14 years, the kind of 'action' described above is no more achievable than flying to the moon on little wings.

The small acts of rébellion are a start, think of it like the snowball effect.

OP you are being brave, and you're right to be. Please keep trying, it does get easier. Stay strong, and stay SAFE! First whiff of trouble, call the police!

Isetan Thu 22-Aug-13 09:11:06

Your H is an arse but you already know this.

As for the iPad performance you do realise that you played an integral part in your children witnessing the childish acts of supposed grown ups. This is who he is, accept it or leave, There isn't a third option

If change is what you really want then get out of the passenger seat and stop waiting for him to change. You are an adult you have choices, staying and exposing your children is your choice.

I remember being so angry and frustrated with my ex that I emptied the contend of the fridge on floor in front of Ex and DD. He responded by knocking me to the floor and pinning me to the ground. I was not responsible for his actions but I was sure as hell responsible for mine. I ended it that day, not because I wanted the relationship to end but because there needed to be a change and it was never going to come from him. It was the beginning of his EA bullshit, which in turn led to violence and financial distress. However, I was no longer in the passenger seat and It felt fantastic moving forward rather than standing still and going backwards.

Until you start taking some responsibility for your dysfunctional relationship (not his behaviour, that's on him) then things will not change.

He hasn't taken any power from you, you've surrendered it, when are you taking it back?

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