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To be worried about sexual history

(50 Posts)
NotDead Mon 19-Aug-13 22:52:03

Hello I am a man who has just started a relationship and there seems to be strong feelings but as things have gone on, there have been discussions about sexual history as you'd expect.

It feels like its been reasonably honest but something has been concerning me and I would like some perspectives.

Whilst we both seem to have been a little wayward, her stories seem to consist of a lot of 'I didn't intend to but he asked and I couldn't say no'. she has mentioned terminations and a couple of days ago said that one recent random shag was a heroin user.

I'm pretty broad-minded and ok with women seeking pleasure from sexual encounters but this seems a little unsettling - my 'randoms' have typically been with professional women or students.. not just anyone on the street.

Am I being prudish or snobbish to be nervous about a future here? Otherwise she seems very together and fun to be around. She seems to drink more regularly than I do -but no more than other female friends.

I guess if I am honest I am as much worried/jealous that she could seemingly accidentally fall into bed with someone risky whereas I seem to stay a little in control how ever I drink.

What do you think?

Faezy Mon 19-Aug-13 22:55:21

I would be worried about her sleeping with a heroin user due to HIV.

Monty27 Mon 19-Aug-13 22:55:39

You like her. She has a history, as you and most people do. Get to know her more and build up trust. She may just have found 'the one' and so may you.

Good luck smile

Monty27 Mon 19-Aug-13 22:56:41

Sorry Faezy cross post, yes I would have an issue with that too. I did mean to mention it.

Faezy Mon 19-Aug-13 22:56:51

And yes it's sounds like she's making poor decisions due to alcohol and probably wouldn't have slept with some of them if she'd been sober. "I couldn't say no" is pretty worrying in itself

KellyHopter Mon 19-Aug-13 23:00:52

Prudishness and snobbery really don't come into it.
We're all entitled to our own levels of comfort with other people's choices, we can't dictate what they do but we can adjust our interest in them accordingly.
I'm sure you'll get a big telling off in a minute but what matters is wht
At you are comfortable with.
I would be put off by some of the things you mention....but I would have to weigh it up against what else I knew about that person.
You're perfectly entitled to realise you're not suited and move on, what would be entirely wrong now would be to stay but treat her differently or badger her about these experiences.
If you continue then it has to be in the spirit of accepting her exactly as she is, her past is hers and you have no claim on it.

NotDead Mon 19-Aug-13 23:13:37

I suppose what I am worried about are signals that she will shag risky people whilst we are in a relationship as she seems so unable to limit herself even if she doesn't actually fancy a guy who comes on to her.

Monty27 Tue 20-Aug-13 00:23:19

Good post Kelly.

As a woman I have issues with men who have slept around, particularly those who were in relationships at the time. I assume they will do the same to me and give them a huge body swerve. have been hurt a couple of times

So if you think she might do that, maybe it's not so good.

TwoStepsBeyond Tue 20-Aug-13 00:40:12

Are you more concerned about the likelihood of her straying or potentially having stds? If its the latter then it would make sense to both get tested as a kind of 'new start, clean slate' thing. If you're more worried about her cheating then you have to decide if she's worth the risk to your heart/self-esteem as nobody can make any guarantees about fidelity on her behalf.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 00:42:42

there have been discussions about sexual history as you'd expect.

no, I wouldn't "expect" this at all

DH and I know very little about our respective "sexual histories" from before we met

if you are under the impression you are dating a serial shagger with no limits and no boundaries, I advise you to do her a favour and dump her right now

because I think your tone is fucking way off, Pal

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 00:55:33

Jeez, glad I'm not the only one who thought it AF!

You're behaving like a monumental dick. I especially liked this line: "I'm pretty broad-minded and ok with women seeking pleasure from sexual encounters" How terribly gracious of you grin

As if throughout all of that your concern isn't for her health or yours (sex with a heroin user would ring alarm bells for me), it's oo she might shag around (and I didn't see any reference to cheating, unless you've omitted that).

I would let her go and you can find yourself a naice professional woman to shag instead.

Monty27 Tue 20-Aug-13 01:12:01

Grrrrrr AF, you say it so right. grin

Monty27 Tue 20-Aug-13 01:13:40

You too and all stunt.

SusuwatariToes Tue 20-Aug-13 02:24:03

You obviously have no idea what it's like to be woman. How many men will feel like you 'owe' them sex because they bought you a drink/you lead them on/they asked nicely. They will do their best to talk you into having sex and society tells women it is rude to say no. You'd be surprised how many women have had sex with men they didn't fancy or didn't want to sleep with. Most will not admit it, some not even to themselves.

Yogii Tue 20-Aug-13 05:27:59

"They will do their best to talk you into having sex and society tells women it is rude to say no"

Really? Really?

"How many men will feel like you 'owe' them sex because they bought you a drink/you lead them on/they asked nicely"

Nobody told me I could expect sex in return for a drink. Which country were you brought up in Sus?

Oh and Op. If you need to ask for advice on this, better get somebody to hold your hand today. You know what you know, you know how you feel about it. Make a decision.

NotDead Tue 20-Aug-13 05:51:34

erm looks like AF brings with her all manner of nasties in a non sti way..

Of course I am worried about her health..and her behaviour around sex. I have never met someone who has sex because they are 'obliged' to, and its weird to think that some people here seem to think that if a man pesters, a woman should give in.

IME pesterers are usually scumbags and I don't particularly like the idea of being with someone who will just do a scumbag if they pester her.

Its just that I suppose even though I might have had theodd ONS and short term thing they just haven't been wit real low-lifes and I'm struggling to work out how I feel about that. If I were just a friend I'd be concerned in one way but as someone who might be with her when she is pestered by a low-life or who might catch something she has.. etc.

somanyfake Tue 20-Aug-13 05:54:16

Just read yourself back notdead
And do yourself a favour and leave her

My friend was with guy while ago
She had case of historical sa

After a few years her ex said to her that people who had been abused one day can become abuser

Which totally broke her heart

And anyway if you can not accept her past and her drinking...
Its wrong
Just leave her and look for somebody better and professional:-!

niceupthedance Tue 20-Aug-13 07:46:04

Sorry notdead you sound just as bad as those scumbags to me. Judgmental, much?

Younger women, who may be frightened of what happens if they say no to sex and don't have the confidence to get away from the situation if for eg they feel they have somehow contributed to it by laughing at his jokes, accepting dinner or drinks bought etc, may feel like they 'can't say no'. You say you have never heard of this - IME most women have been in this situation. Including me. And I'm a professional!

You need to show her your real feelings right now and dump her. Lucky escape for her I feel.

niceupthedance Tue 20-Aug-13 07:47:20

Also if you are using condoms (I hope) then minimal risk of contracting HIV in any case.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 20-Aug-13 08:04:48

Alarms bells would be ringing very loudly for me.
Go with YOUR gut instincts.
Sounds like she has very low standards and/or a very poor sense of judgement.
It's good that you have discussed this before anything has happened and not after which is often the case.

professorgrommit Tue 20-Aug-13 08:15:22

Alarm bells for me too. She sounds fundamentally unstable. Move on asap!

ToddCranes Tue 20-Aug-13 08:26:04

I feel sorry for her. Do you not think not think being in a stable and loving relationship will give her the confidence to say no to scumbags?

I don't think you are the man for her. She needs her confidence building, not knocking down.

Lazyjaney Tue 20-Aug-13 08:29:36

You're behaving like a monumental dick

Rot - if the sexes were reversed the thread would be full of advice about red flags, feral men and leopards not changing spots etc etc.

I think its too early to shout LTB, by all means carry on seeing her if you enjoy her company, but be very aware of the risks.

HorryIsUpduffed Tue 20-Aug-13 08:44:24

Sounds like she met a rapist fairly early on which skewed her ideas of consent and loving relationships. Her self esteem probably never recovered.

If you think that makes her risky or tainted then she's better off without you.

arsenaltilidie Tue 20-Aug-13 08:46:52

Your fear is if someone puts pressure in her she'll cheat?
Go with your gut on this relationship.

You are not here to 'rescue' someone whom you barely know.

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