Asking Men Out

[LoisPuddingLane]

I just wanted some views on this, please. I know that it's the 21st century and we are relatively equal, but I've found asking men out doesn't work. I cannot think of a single time I've asked a man out and they've said yes. There are so many confusing messages in my head.

On the one hand I think why shouldn't women make the first move. OK you get knocked back and it hurts but that's what men have to go through. And then this other part of me is going NO. Men like to be hunters etc and if you ask them out you are taking that away from them.

At the moment I'm dithering hopelessly about asking someone out and keep thinking if he was really interested he would ask me. Which is not a good way forward. Thoughts and experiences...?

[Boosterseat]

Go for it! It took a few weeks of DH dithering like a loon before I asked him if he wanted to go out, turns out he was nervous and hoped I would do it!

He might be nervous, so just invite him out and take control.

If a man is intimated by a woman asking him out then he isnt really worth a date anyway.

Good luck

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

PLEASE don't fall into the old "men like to be hunters" and "all men want a chase" rubbish. Coz a lot of them are just as shy or nervous or fed up of stupid games or knockbacks as you are.

If you like someone, ask them.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Thanks.

He's kind of invited me to things before but when he's actually there, sort of texting "hey I'm in your neighbourhood come and join us" sort of thing. Which may have been a safe way of inviting me out without risking rejection. I didn't go in both cases. I saw him recently for the first time in ages and just really wanted to be with him on my own. Bugger. I've got to do this I think. If he says no it will be gutting but it's better than not knowing I suppose.

[diddl]

Have you shown any interest in him at all?

Maybe he is interested, but would want some indication that you are?

But to answer the question-why not?

Nothing ventured...

[Kezztrel]

The only man who ever properly asked me out turned out to be a bit of a knob I realised after 3 years together. I've made the first move with all the rest, including my DH.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Have I shown any interest...I don't know! I'm useless at flirting. Mainly we've chatted on facebook.

[diddl]

Just seen your other post.

So he's asked you to things & you've said no.

So he maybe thinks you aren't interested!

Just ask him.

and let us all know what he says

[LoisPuddingLane]

I know, he probably does think that.

I shall see if I can get the nerve up tonight.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Oh something I should have probably mentioned - he's not working at the moment. It doesn't bother me but it might bother him. I'm not exactly a hot shot exec type but I'm gainfully employed.

[NMercury]

Going to pitch in my pennys worth here as a bloke who has been through the realisation that he new nothing about seduction (yep, using that word as it is a nice catch all phrase for the process). Following my divorce I realised I knew nothing about "chatting women up", a practice I found to be a waste of time.
Going straight up to a woman (or man) and asking them out for a drink results in one of two answers. If the bloke is confident and self assured he may say yes, as he does not consider that a threat. However as you seem to be getting "no" a bit perhaps you might want to do things differently.

Perhaps you might want to look at yourself - do you come forward as an attractive, eligible single female or are you in some way projecting an image of a women who is not available?
When I was married I dressed a certain way and acted as such. I had to unlearn such behaviour and modify my body language to ensure that women realised I was single, but most importantly not desperate.

I looked at new clothes, asked for opinions from shop assistants and a personal shopper what really suited me and made clear that I was single and wanted to find a new partner.
I studied body language and learnt to use more open postures and to walk confidently with good posture.
Most importantly I learnt how to smile and look like I was a fun person to be with.

I also learned how to ask a woman out - it was no use just going up to an attractive woman alone and chatting her up (attractive women are rarely on their own any way) but rather to find a group and engage it. Ask for an opinion - with women I found asking about social situations best (a dilemma involving a friends girlfriend, or perhaps about the social protocols involving taking a friends sister to a wedding).

If you wanted to engage blokes, ask about blokey things. In a bar where football is showing wait until half time and (together with a friend) just ask a bunch of guys about the off side rule. Or what is this new camera thing they are bringing in this year.
Or ask about if they think it is safe to go without a spare tyre and use one of those repair kit/compressor combinations.
It may seem to be perpetuating a stereotype about women, but it gives us blokes a chance to act like blokes - and we like that occasionally!

When I asked groups of women (and sometimes mixed groups) for an opinion I was never, ever blanked or ignored. People like to talk and if you sound interesting and interested in their opinions they will feel valued and like you.
It will also give you the chance to get to know them a little bit before suggesting "Hey, you know, you seem like real fun - is there anyway I could stay in touch with you?"

[LoisPuddingLane]

If you wanted to engage blokes, ask about blokey things. In a bar where football is showing wait until half time and (together with a friend) just ask a bunch of guys about the off side rule.

Erm. This surely would only work if you were remotely interested in the answer. I loathe football and cannot even feign interest in it.

I don't want to "engage blokes" as a species, just the one I'm interested in. I already know him quite well, it's just a matter of getting past this.

[NMercury]

Just seen the other posts (posted whilst I was writing that novella).

Why not just ask him, straight out, if he is interested in being in a relationship with you?
It will probably know the guy for six, especially if he hasn't really considered you in that way before, but it may give him pause for thought.
Perhaps give him time to think it over and maybe suggest meeting in a day or so over coffee. At least it might force the issue and you will know what he wants.

[LoisPuddingLane]

As to whether I come over as attractive and available, I have no idea. If I start thinking about that I'll fall at the first hirdle I reckon.

[diddl]

"This surely would only work if you were remotely interested in the answer."

Yes-asking the question & then glazing over as you get the answer probably isn't the way to go

[LoisPuddingLane]

Hirdle? Hurdle.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Isn't asking someone straight out if they want to be in a relationship guaranteed to make then go ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo and curl up or run away?

[NMercury]

Sorry again - missed your earlier clarifications. Even if I were not interested in something that got me "into" a group there is always a way of putting it.
I am not at all interested in womens make up - but I asked a couple of women once that I keep seeing ads with different types of mascara brushes, does it really make ANY difference at all? I mean really? (That could start off a whole new debate on here I imagine)!

But as for your bloke why not ask him a blokey question that you do need the answer to? He might like the fact you are seeking his opinion.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

I've asked loads of blokes out and had a mixed response - some interested, some not. Seems about right :)

YY men are not a separate species and you shouldn't have to act in a particular way to "engage" them. Just be yourself - if you can't be yourself with someone then the relationship is a no hoper anyway!

I have tended to get drunk and it sort of happens. Or you can be straight and say "I fancy you" or just invite him out for a one to one thing rather than in a group. Or what I did with DP was - okay to be fair, he expressed interest first, but I made the first actual move - I invited him over to watch a DVD and then jumped him

[LoisPuddingLane]

Really? That really works??

[NMercury]

"As to whether I come over as attractive and available, I have no idea. If I start thinking about that I'll fall at the first hirdle I reckon."

It forced to me to have a hard re-think about myself and change some negative behaviours that were holding me back.

"Isn't asking someone straight out if they want to be in a relationship guaranteed to make then go ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo and curl up or run away?"

Yep - probably scare the hell out of him. It would me. But it will force him to face the issue, which is something that he may have been avoiding up to now.

[LoisPuddingLane]

ha, my question was to NMercury, not YoniBottom...

[NMercury]

"Really? That really works??"

If you meant the mascara question, why not? People like being asked their opinion, especially when a coming from a dumb ass bloke who looks like a rugby player on his day off. Raised a laugh, started a discussion and was fun - didn't lead to anything but was a nice 10 minute chat with some very pretty women, something I would never consider a waste of time.

[LoisPuddingLane]

I don't really want to scare the poor chap. And I suspect mentioning the R word before we've even swapped saliva might have a rather loosening effect on his bowels.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

YoniBottom Best misspelling of my name ever!

TBH I'm not keen on the "ask him a man question" approach. I'm sure it would work for some, but firstly, if you're already friends then he's not likely to see it as a relationship thing but more as a friend thing especially if you and he both know it's a topic he's knowledgeable about but you aren't. Secondly it sets the tone of the relationship as "Ooh, silly simpery me, I don't know anything about cars/football/beer/whatever, I need a man to tell me!" whereas actually that's not me at all, if I wanted to know about cars then I would look it up on the internet or seek advice from a garage or a friend (male OR female) who is interested in cars, not a random man in a pub just because he's a man. I get there's supposed to be a bit of play-acting here but it's not how I would like the relationship to be (for there to be clear man stuff/woman stuff) so I'd rather not go there at the start. Personally.

[NMercury]

Okay then you need to find a way to get his company more to a point where he is comfortable with the idea of you two either swapping saliva or being something more than just friends.

Ask him round to help you move some heavy furniture, ask for help with a task you know he is good at but you are not.
Ask for an opinion on a present for a male relative - again opinions are good because we all like to offer them.