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Asking Men Out

(173 Posts)
LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 14:08:45

I just wanted some views on this, please. I know that it's the 21st century and we are relatively equal, but I've found asking men out doesn't work. I cannot think of a single time I've asked a man out and they've said yes. There are so many confusing messages in my head.

On the one hand I think why shouldn't women make the first move. OK you get knocked back and it hurts but that's what men have to go through. And then this other part of me is going NO. Men like to be hunters etc and if you ask them out you are taking that away from them.

At the moment I'm dithering hopelessly about asking someone out and keep thinking if he was really interested he would ask me. Which is not a good way forward. Thoughts and experiences...?

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 14:59:23

Okay then you need to find a way to get his company more to a point where he is comfortable with the idea of you two either swapping saliva or being something more than just friends.

Ask him round to help you move some heavy furniture, ask for help with a task you know he is good at but you are not.
Ask for an opinion on a present for a male relative - again opinions are good because we all like to offer them.

waltzingmathilda Mon 19-Aug-13 14:59:42

I told DH we were going out grin bu we were friends for a long time beforehand.

I tend to agree with your OP, men generally do not like forward women.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:00:15

NMercury, the likelihood of me going up to group of men and starting a conversation about spark plugs or something is slim. I'm 51, rather too rounded in places, and not that confident about my pulling power any more.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 15:02:48

Perhaps the word "Relationship" is a bit heavy but you could ask if he's ever considered the two of you becoming more than just friends. being drunk helps

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:03:07

whereas actually that's not me at all

Me too. I have my own screwdrivers and power tools. I know what to do when the electricity suddenly goes off. I'm cool with spiders. I can't do the girly act really.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:03:20

Hey Yoni
One thing I tried to do when I was single was NEVER to look things up on Google if I didn't know it, especially if I thought it was an interesting question.
I asked people, complete strangers often for their help or opinion. Having read the book "life of Pi" I asked a group of women at a bar next door to a cinema if they had seen the film and about its ending. Turned out to be a bunch of bibliophiles and we had an afternoon long, booze fuelled fun chat.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 15:05:58

That's great smile I think we've established we wouldn't be compatible NM wink

Kezztrel Mon 19-Aug-13 15:06:11

"Men do not like forward women." Really.......?

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:06:51

NMercury, I would say you are clearly quite an outgoing person. Your approach works for you. I'm not that outgoing at all and, as I've said, am unlikely to crash a group of chaps asking their opinion. The last thing I want to see in their eyes is either ("Watch out, cougar attack" or "Older woman, hmmmmm"). Younger men like ticking the older woman box, I find. But I can tick my own box, and would like something a bit more.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:09:58

"NMercury, the likelihood of me going up to group of men and starting a conversation about spark plugs or something is slim. I'm 51, rather too rounded in places, and not that confident about my pulling power any more"
I thought I wasn't a catch either - but I have no doubt that a lot of men would consider very differently. If you are rounded in certain places, who the hell cares? Probably you do, but the blokes around you may not - and probably quite like it! I never considered myself attractive, yet I have found lots of women do.

Anyway, most of those conversations weren't about pulling. It was fun - and I learnt lots about the opposite sex AND it boosted my confidence.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:13:48

I'm sure that works for some people.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:14:02

Actually I am chronically shy, very quiet and would never (prior to my conversion) have attempted to crash a group of women. I am also built like a brick outhouse and work in a v responsible position with supervisory responsibilities of up to 100 people (us blokes are a complicated lot eh!)

However, a moot point - your guy is known to you. You just have to find a way to get to know him more. You probably already know how to do this, however putting it into practice might be more difficult.

NMercury Mon 19-Aug-13 15:15:28

I'm offski to waste my day further - good luck Lois. Hope you get him!

DadfromUncle Mon 19-Aug-13 15:18:18

I may not be typical but would be (and have been) relieved to be asked out.

DadfromUncle Mon 19-Aug-13 15:18:42

(By a Woman)

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 15:21:16

Why have you said no, previously when he suggested things?

If you are up to it now, just suggest something. It's not like you are asking him to marry you or anything. Don't ask for a relationship, but why shouldn't you suggest spending some time together?

DragonsAreReal Mon 19-Aug-13 15:22:58

Oh I love random convos in beer gardens with randoms. Not on my own but me and my best friend would regularly end up crashing others groups and drunkenly chatter all evening. I never rang any of the numbers I got but I had a good time.

As for asking blokes out no I don't recommend it, I have twice and all they were really interested in was a shag/assumed that's all I wanted.

But I don't see the harm in inviting your friend round for a dvd or takeaway or out for a drink. That's not really asking out since he's not a stranger and then if he asks you out again you know he likes you back like that.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:25:43

Why have you said no, previously when he suggested things?

Because both times it was about 10.30pm, and he was already "there" and I was sitting in my pants with greasy hair probably. The first time I actually wasn't well. The second time I didn't see the text until I went to bed at 3am (there was a very loud festival outside)...

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 15:27:55

He doesn't seem very considerate, then, or keen.

If you suggest something, to "compensate for not being available" the other times, then you'll know.

BlueDiamond1 Mon 19-Aug-13 15:36:12

If your experience already tells you it doesn't work for you then listen to it. I'm very old fashioned that way and I always believe the initiative has to come from the man. I look at my relationship and those around me which are successful and in every case the initiative has come from the man. Your instincts are right, they are hunters. They are biologically wired that way and it won't be changing, as a result of natural selection, any time soon. smile

niceupthedance Mon 19-Aug-13 15:45:21

The kind of men I like like to do the chasing. I have finally figured this out after many years of failure! Not saying all men are similar, some may like to be asked out.

In your case I'd probably message him on Facebook (so, casual) and just ask if he's going to be 'in your area' again soon and whether he could give you some more notice next time?

That's a big hint but not an outright invitation.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:47:43

After the first "come and join us" text I did exactly that - I said give me more notice next time and put a smiley face...

LessMissAbs Mon 19-Aug-13 15:50:42

I wouldn't. The suggesting things at 10.30pm at night would suggest to me he was only after a quick and easy shag and shows he can ask you out, but lacks the motivation to ask you out on a proper date.

But sometimes you have to find out for yourself. I think the asking him round to move furniture is a good idea, or you could text him something like "I really want to see (X Film) this weekend but all my female friends are busy" and then jump him, if he doesn't jump you.

But don't be surprised if he turns out to be an arse!

There are a few nice men who won't ask themselves but are good relationship material, but he doesn't sound like one of them.

Jan45 Mon 19-Aug-13 15:51:03

Very modern and up to date when it comes to most things in the world but for me no I wouldn't ask a man out (unless of course he was Brad Pitt). I prefer the old fashioned way.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 19-Aug-13 15:55:10

I'm not entirely sure they were "booty calls". For one thing we aren't in "booty call" sort of territory and he was with a group of friends and was under my window, more or less, and invited me down. Had he wanted to do the booty thing there was an opportunity back in February (or some cold time, lots of snow) when a group of us went out and at 2am it was just us two left, drinking and chatting. I kind of hoped things would happen but no.

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